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Shiv has absolutely no fucking idea what’s going on.
Things had stopped feeling real for a while now, but when her father finally decided to die?- she’s convinced he did it on purpose. Oh that’s when the complete disconnection really started. She’s felt this scary loneliness before, always somewhat managed to pull herself back into a sense of normality, but this time it feels overpowering; this time it’s too overwhelming. But here she is, doing what she does best, pretending that she’s not withering away at every twist and turn. Here she is, getting ready for another random day, getting ready to face whatever fuck ups her brothers will throw at her.
Then there is Tom. Oh Tom, Tom, Tom. Shiv wants to really believe that she hates him for his betrayal; she spent months and months learning and re-learning this made up truth in her head. She hates Tom Wambsgans. What kind of name is Tom Wambsgans anyway? She really, really, really tried to convince herself. But then he’s kissing her again, and suddenly she’s kissing him. They’re back in this random hotel room from two nights ago, and it’s too early to make rational decisions, but too late to stop. For a second Shiv thinks about her makeup of all things. Didn’t she just spend a good 20 minutes attempting to look less grieving-pregnant-almost-divorcee and more heartless-bad-bitch. Well, R.I.P to that perfect shade of Chanel. Fuck the lipstick; she’s got bigger issues to deal with, like the way his hands feel on her body right now, both unbearably sweet and beyond painful. Oh Shiv is gonna fucking sob down his neck, but she’s too cool for that. Get it together. So she does as she pulls away from him, knowing damn well she can never hide the redness of her eyes.
“Are you okay?” Of course he fucking asks. She almost wants him to just take her right here, right now. Fuck, she’s not okay. But who cares?
“Is this… do you want this?” Why does he talk, “Do you want to stop? We can just get breakfast.. They have this perfectly made Croque Madame downstai-”
“Just stop the..words…the talking..okay?” She says as nonchalantly as she can muster; she thinks she’s good at this but her body decides otherwise. She bursts into tears.
He tries to hug her, but she doesn’t want this now. She decides she doesn’t want it right now. She pushes him away, gets up, goes into the bathroom and locks the door.
“I will be here, I will wait.” He softly says behind same door she’s sat against on the other side, the cold tiles making her feel a little less insane.
Ever since she found out about the pregnancy, Shiv has made sure she literally never thinks about this baby, this thing inside her womb. She only thought about it when she had her regular gp visits. She thought about it when she went to her early pregnancy ultrasound. She heard the heartbeats. She acknowledged that this is now a reality, but when she walked out of the doctor’s office she forgot. This selective memory loss has served her so well. It has served her well up until this very moment. Suddenly it all hits her. Maybe it’s the hormones, or the claustrophobic feeling she suddenly senses in her body. She feels it all at once. She’s pregnant. There’s literally a whole human developing inside her. She had an easy way out, and she could’ve taken it. In fact she’d had access to endless ways out, yet she still chose this. She chose this baby. She sobs even more. She doesn’t know whether these are happy or sad tears. She cries for what feels like forever. When she’s finally done, she realises it’s time.
She needs to tell Tom.
She gets up, and slowly unlocks the door to the bathroom. She waits inside, hoping Tom will just get the message to join her inside. The view from this bathroom is outstanding. Shiv walks closer to the glass wall overlooking the entire city. When you’re so used to the most stunning scenes, you eventually stop acknowledging them. You get used to luxury, to privilege. At one point you’re even bored of this shit. Shiv is no different. Shiv is bored most of the time. But something about this specific view, gloomy NYC, the bathroom that’s bigger than some people’s studio apartments, the scent of the expensive products she used this morning, the utter realisation/remembering that this is her life, it all feels meaningful right now, not in a good way, but not in a bad way either. It just feels real, and grounded. She is here. She’s pregnant. She’s a fucking billionaire. But in this moment she’s just a woman with a secret that has burdened her for weeks. She’s a woman who’s tired. A woman who just needs to be seen, fully seen.
Tom walks in. Shiv turns around, meeting his concerned eyes. How does she even do this?
“Hey,” He almost whispers. Shiv stares at him. She might have forgotten how to blink, because her eyes are watering again. This time, though, she’s not gonna sob. There are no tears left in this body of hers.
“There is something,” She can hear herself speak, but she doesn’t really feel her mouth move.
“What?” He immediately asks. She can tell he’s nervous now. The air tenses around them.
“It’s not bad,” She tries to remedy, “or maybe it is, I really don’t know.” Ugh.
“Siobhan please,” He begs. He’s closer now, keeping sight on her.
She takes a deep breath as random memories of past and future(?) flash before her eyes. What will it be? Shiv suddenly feels the need to know what it will be, what will come out of this. In fact she just knows if she doesn’t say something right now she never will. And so she does.
“I’m pregnant,” She makes sure to look at him, biting the inside of her mouth watching as he reacts.
First he raises his eyebrows in confusion, then he laughs for a second.
“It’s only been like.. a few days?” He blurts out.
Oh?
“Tom,” Shiv states, then watches as the realisation hits.
“You mean-”
“Yes, that one time three months ago..”
“Oh my god, fuck. Wait, so we’re…we’re having a baby?” He is closer to her now, but she still can’t read his reaction.
Then his eyes go a little red, and Shiv is surprised.
“You’re pregnant,” He confirms. It’s Shiv’s turn to (uncomfortably) chuckle.
“I’m going to be a dad? You’re going to be the mother of my child? Shiv this is insane.” He whispers as he grins. His eyes are even more red now.
“This is..We need to tell my parents.” He quickly blurts out then he realises, “I’m sorry I-”
“It’s fine. Ah. Well no one knows..From my side.” She tries to smile. She hides the hurt. She knows he can still see it.
He inches closer. He kneels down, “Can I?”
Shiv is a little confused, “Sure.”
“Hey little baby,” Fuck this is the most “Tom” he’s ever been. He wraps his arms around her torso, placing his ear on her lower stomach.
She has him. She knows how much he wanted this. She slowly puts her hand on top of his head. She dares to play with his hair. She’s uncomfortably warm inside. She’s almost… happy? She knows this feeling won’t probably last. She knows she will disappoint Tom someday again, and he will definitely hurt her again. But right now? It doesn’t matter. She has him.
Tom stands up again. He leans in, and kisses her. It’s real. Too real. Shiv suddenly feels pulled back “in”. That sense of disconnection begins to fade away, she physically feels like she’s back into reality.
This won’t last forever. Yet right now it feels like it will.