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When the torture finally ends your eyes are bloodshot from how hard you've been staring at the screen.
KARKAT: WOW THAT WAS A MOVIE THAT WE JUST WATCHED. HUH.
White text scrolls upwards, backed by a human man singing about "moving along" or something. You are tangled in a blanket on one corner of the commonblock loungeplank. You will not be moving along from this, ever. You nudge Dave beside you.
DAVE: snrrk- wha huh
DAVE: oh im awake. im watching
Of course, the human who subjected you to this "cultural experience" has been unconscious for approximately three-quarters of the film. He's sprawled across the rest of the loungeplank and has been proving your theory that, while asleep, humans are biologically driven to take up as much space as physically possible, and to violently propel their "feet" in the direction of certain trolls.
KARKAT: DAVE YOU DONT NEED TO PRETEND. I HEARD YOUR LABOURED RECOOPER-BREATHING
DAVE: please just call it snoring
KARKAT: NO.
You sit up, somewhat detangling yourself from the blanket wrapped around you. Dave remains horizontal.
DAVE: yeah i figured
DAVE: so what did you think of the movie? did it explain misogyny clearly to you? did you discover who the man was?
KARKAT: OH THE OBVIOUS TITLE OF YOUR SIMPLE HUMAN MOVIE WAS TOO COMPLEX FOR MY ALIEN BRAIN TO COMPREHEND THAT THE MAN WAS ‘SHE’.
KARKAT: SHE WAS THE MAN, BUT ISNT ANYMORE. IT WOULD BE MORE APT TO NAME THE MOVIE IN PAST TENSE. BECAUSE IT'S OVER AND ALL THE ACTORS WITHIN DIED IN A METEOR SHOWER
DAVE: ok dont do amanda bynes dirty like that, she’s a child actor.
DAVE: was?
DAVE: whatever
DAVE: i'm pretty sure all child actors on earth ended up snorting mad powder
DAVE: its like in the child actor contract
DAVE: while the overbearing parents monetize the kid, the kid is spoon-fed wicked icing sugar up the schnoz
DAVE: straight fucked up
You could spend a sweep attempting to decode what the fuck Dave means by "mad powder", but you have known him long enough to have given up even trying to understand 70% of what he says. Instead, you just zero in on the stupidest, most idiotic part of his sentence.
KARKAT: HOW MANY ALTERNATE WORDS DO YOU HAVE FOR CARTILAGINOUS NUB?
KARKAT:AND WHY DO YOU REFUSE TO USE THE PROPER TROLL WORD AND INSTEAD USE HORRIBLE WORDS LIKE ‘SCHNOZ’????
KARKAT: IM SHUDDERING AT THE FACT THAT I HAD TO SAY THAT WORD OUT LOUD TO MAKE A POINT. LOOK AT ME SHUDDERING DAVE. IM HAVING AN EPISODE AND ITS YOUR FAULT
You are notably not shuddering, but you're pretty sure Dave's eyes are closed under his shades, so it doesn't matter.
DAVE: youre deflecting
DAVE: give me an epic monologue on why you hated the movie so i can be lulled to sleep by your melodious voice
DAVE: your voice that is so smooth you could easily compare it to prepubescent sandpaper in a middle school woodworking class
KARKAT: GO FUCK YOURSELF.
You throw a pillow his direction. When it hits his chest he just wraps his arms around it and turns to the side, clutching it in his half-asleep haze like it's some kind of precious gift and not a deadly weapon.
"Lulling him to sleep with your melodious voice". You swear he will describe scenarios from your favourite novels right at you just so he can twist them into what you're pretty sure are insults. If he were a troll, you would accuse him of black flirting with you, but he's not a troll, he's Dave, so you know he's just like this. You have far more pressing matters to address anyway, like this video lesson on human "patriarchy" he just showed you.
KARKAT: BUT YES, I DO WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS MOVIE. THERE IS A LOT TO UNPACK HERE.
KARKAT: ‘SHES THE MAN’ WAS INCREDIBLY INSIGHTFUL WHEN IT COMES TO UNDERSTANDING HUMAN GENDER DYNAMICS.
KARKAT: IT'S ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING HOW THE FEMALES OF YOUR SPECIES ARE THE ONES WHO ARE TREATED BAD WHEN IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND ON ALTERNIA.
Dave shuffles a bit. He peers at you from under his shades.
DAVE: whoah really? i just kinda assumed yall have gender equality, seeing as you dont have straight people
KARKAT: WELL. I DONT THINK TROLL BOYS ARE TREATED AS BAD AS HUMAN GIRLS. BECAUSE WE KIND OF CHOOSE A GENDER WHEN WE ARE YOUNG? OR LIKE, OUR PEERS CHOOSE FOR US IF WE FALL INTO STEREOTYPES.
You pause for a moment, thinking.
KARKAT: ITS SO NORMAL FOR ME, ITS HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS FOR AN ALIEN. LIKELY SIMILAR TO HOW YOU DIDNT WANT TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN HUMAN GENDER NORMS TO ME, AND ROSES EXPLANATION WAS SO LONG WINDED THAT I ASSUME SHE WAS WORKING THROUGH HER THOUGHTS OUT LOUD AS SHE WAS RELAYING THEM TO ME.
DAVE: yeah, rose could go toe to fucking toe with john for windiness
DAVE: they could get matching toe rings
DAVE: wait forget i said that
DAVE: dont tell rose i said that she will think i have a thing for toes
You disregard the toe-talk, ignoring it as a way of letting Dave know you really do not care enough to tell Rose. There's also the fact that if you so much as acknowledge Dave has said anything weird ever he will suddenly start saying infinitely weirder things at alarming rates.
KARKAT: TROLL BOYS ARE SEEN AS LESS AGGRESSIVE GENERALLY THAN TROLL GIRLS. GENDER IS REALLY JUST A SOCIAL CATEGORY FOR US. IF YOU’RE LABELED OR CHOOSE ‘BOY’ YOU GENERALLY KEEP TO YOURSELF AND ARE LESS LIKELY TO START FIGHTS.
Dave hums in response as you adjust how you're sitting, pulling a knee to your chest.
KARKAT: IM NOT GONNA LIE I TRIED TO BE A GIRL WHEN I WAS PRETTY YOUNG. FRESHLY PUPATED I THINK.
KARKAT: BECAUSE I WANTED TO PROVE I WAS STRONG.
KARKAT: BUT THEN I REALIZED THAT BEING STRONG MEANT GETTING INTO FIGHTS WITH OTHER KIDS.
KARKAT: AND THAT MEANT POSSIBLY SHEDDING BLOOD IN PUBLIC, AND IVE ALREADY EXPLAINED TO YOU HOW THAT WOULD HAVE GONE.
KARKAT: A WHIMSICAL INFLAMED RAZZMATAZ GAME CALLED ‘CULL THE MUTANT’ WOULD HAVE COMMENCED
There's definitely zero bitterness in your voice with that last part. Nope, none at all. Girl power ended up not being your thing anyway, but it's still bullshit that your mutation's what made you realize that. Maybe you would have been assigned a girl at first if you weren't a mutant? You'd still end up a boy, but even though you're not a great physical fighter you're not the most masculine guy, considering how you talk.
KARKAT: BUT I HONESTLY AM MORE COMFORTABLE BEING A BOY ANYWAY. I JUST FIGURED IT OUT SOONER THAN OTHERS. SOLLUX DIDNT REALIZE HE WAS A BOY UNTIL HE WAS LIKE FIVE SWEEPS OLD
DAVE: whoah
KARKAT: YEAH, IMAGINE MY ‘WHOAH’ WHEN I WATCHED THIS FUCKING MOVIE.
KARKAT: WHY DIDNT YOU BOTHER TO EXPLAIN TO ME THAT HUMAN GENDER WAS DICTATED BY SEXUAL DIMORPHISM? I HAD TO FIGURE THAT OUT BY THE VERY END OF THE MOVIE WHEN THE CHARACTERS FLASHED THEIR HUMAN GENITALIA AT THE STADIUM FULL OF SPORT VIEWERS.
DAVE: wait girl and boy trolls all have the same junk? Like snails?
For the first time in your conversation, Dave lifts his head up. He stares at you, looking as amused as a wiggler who just made their first pail joke. You feel your face get hot.
KARKAT: IM NOT GETTING INTO THIS WITH YOU.
DAVE: ok maybe not right now, but i'm definitely cornering kanaya later to give me the troll birds and bee’s
KARKAT: GOD. WAY TO PICK THE ONE PERSON WHO WOULD BE THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE AND AWKWARD AT EXPLAINING
DAVE: thats the exact point it will be so funny
DAVE: i cant trust terezi to not straight up lie to me for shits and giggles
DAVE: and vriska would just laugh at me and make me feel stupid
DAVE: you want me to find gamzee in the vents?
DAVE: get the juggalo to tell me about troll penis and vag?
KARKAT: I DONT WANT TO KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
KARKAT: PLEASE LET ME TALK ABOUT THE MOVIE YOU MADE ME WATCH
DAVE: proceed
His head falls back down. Of course, genitalia talk is over, so Dave is no longer interested.
KARKAT: OK SO VIOLA HAD TO PRETEND TO BE A DIFFERENT GENDER SLASH HER BROTHER TO JOIN A HUMAN SPHERE STRUT POD HANDLING LEAGUE - I UNDERSTAND THAT MUCH
KARKAT: AND THEN A GIRL NAMED OLIVIA DEVELOPS RED FEELINGS FOR VIOLA WHILE VIOLA IS DISGUISED.
KARKAT: VIOLA’S ROOMMATE DUKE ASKS HER TO TALK TO OLIVIA ABOUT HIM, AND SUGGEST HIM AS A REDROM PARTNER FOR OLIVIA.
KARKAT: VIOLA DEVELOPS RED FEELINGS FOR HER ROOMATE DUKE.
KARKAT: OLIVIA TRIES TO GO OUT WITH DUKE TO MAKE VIOLA JEALOUS.
KARKAT: VIOLA IS ONLY JEALOUS BECAUSE SHE HAS RED FEELINGS FOR DUKE, NOT OLIVIA.
KARKAT: DUKE SEEMS TO ONLY FEEL DIAMONDS FOR VIOLA THE WHOLE MOVIE AND THEN AT THE END DECIDES ITS HEARTS? IT WAS KIND OF A FUCKING LEAP.
KARKAT: NOT TO MENTION OLIVIA DECIDES TO GET TOGETHER WITH VIOLA’S TWIN BROTHER AT THE END. THE GUY SHE THOUGHT VIOLA WAS.
KARKAT: BUT OLIVIA NEVER FUCKING TALKED TO SEBASTIAN. NOT THE REAL ONE ANYWAY. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!!
You gesture wildly and pause for dramatic effect, letting your words sink into the air.
DAVE: yup pretty much
As soon as Dave talks, you launch back into your rant.
KARKAT: THE ROMANTIC ADVANCES FROM OLIVIA TO VIOLA SEEMED SWEET, WHY COULDNT THEY BE IN HEARTS TOGETHER?
KARKAT: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN ENGAGING CHARACTER ARC FOR VIOLA TO REALIZE THAT OLIVIA HAS BEEN THE ONLY PERSON REALLY THERE FOR HER SINCE THE START OF HER CROSSDRESSING ADVENTURE
KARKAT: SHE COULD HAVE CONFIDED IN OLIVIA THAT SHE WAS REALLY A GIRL
KARKAT: AND THEN OLIVIA WOULD HAVE TO CONFRONT THE FEELINGS SHE DEVELOPED FOR SOMEONE WHO SHE THOUGHT WAS SOMEONE ELSE
KARKAT: BUT THEN COMES WHAT IVE COME TO KNOW AS THE WILDLY RESTRICTIVE CONSTRUCT OF ‘THE HUMAN HETERO’
You pause again, but this time Dave doesn't give his unhelpful commentary. You wait 1, 2, 3 seconds before reaching a prong over his almost-unconscious body and poking him in the side. He shuffles, then seems to remember he is supposed to be conversing with you.
DAVE: haha yeah
He doesn’t actually laugh. He literally says "haha" out loud. You lean closer to him as you continue to talk to make sure he doesn’t drift off. He'll like this next part.
KARKAT: DAVE
KARKAT: I ADMIT THAT I SAID IN THE PAST THAT HUMAN ROMANCE MOVIES COUDNT BEGIN TO COMPARE TO THE COMPLEXITIES THAT TROLL ROMANCE MOVIES COULD.
KARKAT: SEEING AS WE HAVE FOUR ROMANCES AND YOU HAVE ONE.
You take a deep breath, and then poke Dave again for good measure.
KARKAT: BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT PAST ME WAS WRONG
KARKAT: HES AN ASSHOLE GENERALLY BUT IM ACTUALLY GOING TO CUT HIM SOME SLACK THIS TIME BECAUSE ITS INCREDIBLY EASY TO MISS THE FACT THAT HUMANS AS A SOCIETY WERE EVEN MORE INSANE THAN ORIGINALLY THOUGHT.
KARKAT: HE DIDNT CONSIDER THE FACT THAT HUMAN HETERONORMATIVITY IS ATROCIOUS AND CAUSES MANY PROBLEMS FOR THE TREMBLING SHITSTAIN YOUTH OF EARTH
Dave swats away your poking-prong.
DAVE: i cant argue with that, heteronormativity was honestly the worst
DAVE: i dont even think most people are straight, i think people just like to fit in
He's been saying stuff like that more often recently – since he's admitted that he isn't fully straight himself. He told you a few weeks ago, in a excruciatingly awkward conversation, where he shoved his strut pod in his mouth at least six separate times about how his realization has nothing to do with you. His reaction to waking up in your lap the other day makes you suspect otherwise, but you don't push it. Maybe your quadrant-confused feelings are just making you see things.
KARKAT: THE WILD THING IS THOUGH, IT MAKES FOR A SOMEWHAT COMPELLING STORY.
KARKAT: ITS FASCINATING HOW HUMANS FOUND A WAY TO MAKE THEIR MOVIES JUST AS COMPLICATED AS TROLL ONES BUT IN AN INFINITELY WORSE WAY.
DAVE: i guess
DAVE: its like watching a dystopian movie, fun to see what could have been worse
You hum, resting your chin on your prong.
KARKAT: ILL EXCUSE THE STRANGE DYNAMICS HUMANS HAVE WITH ADULTS OF THEIR SPECIES. AND I ADMIT HAVING A BUILT IN FRIEND DYNAMIC WITH THESE HUMAN SIBLINGS IS INTRIGUING.
DAVE: more like built in pain in the ass
Dave jumps in quickly. You shrug. If trolls had siblings then maybe you would have had another mutant to grow up with. That would have been nice, even if it would introduce a lifetime of potential conflict. Siblings sound nice overall. However, the rest of human society…
KARKAT: BUT THE GENDER SOCIAL SPLIT AND NEED FOR OPPOSITE GENDER COUPLES PAINTED ME A VIVID PICTURE OF A PLANET THAT I WOULD RATHER EXPLODE VIOLENTLY WITH A BIG LAZER GUN FULL OF KNIVES RATHER THAN EVER VISIT.
DAVE: haha
KARKAT: REALLY? HOW DID YOU STAND IT?
You're watching Dave like a carnivorous featherbeast, so you catch him curl in on himself a tiny bit. His tone stays light.
DAVE: well, i kind of didnt
DAVE: seeing as i was party to the destruction of said planet
DAVE: there were knives involved, but im not sure about lasers
DAVE: unless john’s roborabbit had lazers? i never got a good look at the thing
KARKAT: IT HAD LAZERS
DAVE: sick
DAVE: anyway
DAVE: what did you think about the one gay guy
He points at you. Your eyes go wide.
KARKAT: THERE WAS A GAY GUY?
DAVE: yeah, the hairdresser
KARKAT: WAIT. THE GUY WITH THE…. WHAT DID YOU CALL IT EARLIER? FROSTED TIPS?
KARKAT: YOURE TELLING ME HE LIKED MEN? HOW COULD YOU TELL?
You scan your memory for any romantic male-male contact involving Mr. Frosted Tips. You come up blank.
DAVE: idk, stereotypes
DAVE: he did cosmetic stuff and hung out with girls
KARKAT: OK HE WAS A HAIRSTYLIST. HOW IS THAT RELEVANT. AND YES HE HAD ONLY FEMALE FRIENDS.
You bring a prong to your mouth, eyebrows furrowing. That is ridiculous. Humans are ridiculous. How do you articulate this in a way that's not going to be horribly offensive?
KARKAT: DAVE. LOOK AT ME.
KARKAT: NOT COUNTING EACH OTHER OR THE MAYOR,
KARKAT: I ONLY HAVE FEMALE FRIENDS.
KARKAT: YOU ONLY HAVE FEMALE FRIENDS. THIS IS THE REALITY WE LIVE IN.
KARKAT: ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT WE ARE HUMAN SAME-SEX DEROGATORY STEREOTYPES?
Dave makes a noncommittal sound and you want to shake him by the shoulders aggressively, but that would mean you would have to lean over top of him and he would make that weird immediately. He sees you glaring at him.
DAVE: i mean, john is also our friend, we havent talked to him in 1.5 years but
DAVE: i wouldnt discount him
KARKAT: I WOULD.
You throw your prongs in the air. Maybe one of the horrorterrors out there will hear you and agree that yes, human derogatory same-sex stereotypes are stupid. At least troll derogatory gender stereotypes were reasonable!
A scene from She's The Man flashes though you mind. It is against your will.
KARKAT: OH! I REMEMBER. HE LOOKED AT A MAN AT THE VERY END OF THE FLICK.
KARKAT: DONT FUCKING TELL ME…
Dave nods. He's covering his eyes with his shades and the pillow you threw at him earlier.
KARKAT: YOURE TELLING ME THAT IS PEAK REPRESENTATION? DID YOU SEE YOURSELF IN THIS FROSTED MAN, DAVE? ISNT YOUR HAIR MORE FROSTED THAN HIS? FULLY FROSTED?
You cannot contain yourself when surrounded by this level of bullshittery. If frosted-ness was so damn gay than why did it take Dave so long to figure it out? Jegus. You bury your face in your prongs.
KARKAT: IM SO TIRED
DAVE: dude me too
DAVE: can we pack it in for the night
DAVE: i'm straight up at the border guard for yawn-town and they’re checking my passport, you’d better wrap this up
He rolls onto his back, letting one of his fronds dangle off the loungeplank. You pry your face out of your prongs and stare at him.
KARKAT: YOU ARE FUCKING RIDICULOUS.
KARKAT: IM GOING TO HAVE TO WATCH THIS MOVIE AGAIN LATER TO FULLY RECONCILE THE STUPIDITY OF YOUR SPECIES. THE ASS-BACKWARDS WAY OF LIFE YOU ALL LIVED.
KARKAT: SHES THE MAN WAS A RIDICULOUS FILM. IM GOING TO WORK ON A TROLL TITLE SO THAT I CAN BREAK DOWN TO KANAYA LATER WHAT THE FUCK I JUST WITNESSED.
KARKAT: WAIT KANAYA DOES COSMETIC STUFF IS SHE A SAME SEX STEREOTYPE?
DAVE: no shes a girl
Dave yawns, stretching out like a starfish. You have push one of his strut pods away from you.
KARKAT: RIGHT.
KARKAT: I FORGOT THAT DEROGATORY STEREOTYPES FOR 'GAY' HUMAN MEN ARE BASED ON HOW MUCH THEY ACT LIKE GIRLS, THE SUPPOSED ‘INFERIOR’ GENDER ON EARTH.
KARKAT: IT MIGHT BE FUNNY IF I MEMORIZE SOME OF THESE MISOGYNY INSULTS AND RELAY THEM TO VRISKA.
KARKAT: WAIT
KARKAT: DOES THAT MEAN THAT A STEREOTYPE FOR A GIRL WHO LIKED GIRLS WOULD BE SOMETHING AKIN TO ACTING LIKE A BOY?
KARKAT: DIDNT VIOLA IN THE MOVIE GET CRITICIZED BY HER MOTHER FOR BEING TOO MUCH LIKE A BOY? AND VIOLA’S BLATANT REFUSAL OF FEMININITY AS A POINT OF PRIDE RATHER THAN GENDER PREFERENCE. DOES THAT MEAN VIOLA WAS CODED AS A GAY CHARACTER? WHAT DID ROSE CALL IT… A LESBIAN?
KARKAT: DAVE?
The laboured recooper-breathig returns and you sigh. Dave's out cold, and he's cradling that pillow you threw at him earlier. His hair is disheveled and his shades are lopsided. You want to pull them off him. You've seen the red marks they leave on the sides of his face when he falls sleep with them on, but taking the comfort-shades off of a sleeping Strider was probably one of the fastest ways to get a katana to the face. So, you just smile at him, because hey, maybe your "smooth as prepubescent sandpaper in a middle school woodworking class" voice could really could lull him to sleep. You watch his chest rise and fall for a few minutes before it hits you how creepy you’re probably being and you stand up.
KARKAT: GOODMORNING DAVE
"Goodnight" would probably be more accurate for his species, but that doesn’t matter. You pick your blanket up from the couch and lay it over him. You can interrogate him over human woman same-sex stereotypes tomorrow.