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‘What do you even like about him?’
The words echo in Kalim’s head long after the date is over. He’s lying in bed, wide awake and unable to relax enough to go to sleep, despite how full his day had been.
Hearing the question had more than just taken him aback- it had shocked him enough that he’d been out of sorts for the entire evening. Kalim hadn’t shown it of course, trying to act as much like his usual as self as he could, but he suspects some of his distraction had slipped through anyway. It’s difficult to care about that though, when his mind is so occupied already. His relationship with Jamil – and how outsiders would see it – isn’t something Kalim has ever cared to think about and analyse. He supposes it’s easy enough to see Jamil as arrogant and insufferable and his friend does have the tendency to assume he is the one who’s right in any given situation. His date has no idea what kind of person Jamil actually is, when far away from public scrutiny and the constant pressure his parents put on him. Not many know him as well as Kalim does.
And that’s just the thing. That’s what gets to Kalim.
His date doesn’t know Jamil at all; it’s not fair to be angry at him over a remark like that when the only impression he has of the rich heir is his last name and the not exactly positive introduction they had. He wasn’t there beside Jamil at his most vulnerable, hasn’t seen what the other went through due to his family on a regular basis. Kalim knows that, and yet, the way his date had spoken about Jamil still leaves a bad taste in his mouth.
When Kalim looks back on this, he sees this rocky beginning of that relationship as the warning sign it had been.
This was never meant to last.
In the morning, Kalim puts a determined smile on his face and tells himself that things will be fine, that he’s overreacting to something that wasn’t even meant as a deliberate insult.
Surprisingly enough, this works well enough that he goes on a second date, then a third… and before long, he has his first proper boyfriend. The excitement of being in his first serious relationship starts taking more and more of Kalim’s time, spare or no. Even when he’s with Jamil, he sometimes can’t stop himself from gushing, or planning out in his head what he and his boyfriend will do next. He becomes increasingly distracted. So much so that when Jamil tells him about the start of the arranged marriage meetings, he only apologises that he can’t be there for the first one. Kalim is floating on air, looking forward to surprising his boyfriend with something he’s had planned for about a week now.
‘-but I’m sure it’ll go fine, even without me!’ Kalim finishes, smiling encouragingly. ‘Whoever it is, they can’t be that bad, right?’
Jamil’s following carefully neutral expression is the most forced it has ever been in Kalim’s presence.
‘…of course…’ he says through gritted teeth. ‘I can handle it.’
‘Tell me how it goes tomorrow, okay? I have to go now, or I’ll be late, but good luck!’ Kalim babbles and rushes off.
(He doesn’t notice just how miserable Jamil looks in that moment.)
The surprise goes perfectly.
Kalim spends a fun and simple evening with his boyfriend. This relationship… it’s nothing like what he has with Jamil. It’s far less intense, less dangerous. While Jamil is Kalim’s closest and dearest friend and he would die if he had to for him, sometimes he craves something more stable. Another person to hang out with, someone he can just relax around.
That evening, just before Kalim has to go home, they kiss for the first time. He goes to bed with a smile on his face and sleeps soundly through the night.
When he first wakes up, nothing indicates that something has gone terribly wrong. It’s an early hour, the morning light having only just begun to shine through his window. Kalim wanders into the kitchen for a glass of water, still in his nightwear. Yawning, he goes straight to the tap and pulls out the first clean glass he finds.
He doesn’t notice his mother until she clears her throat in a pointed way.
‘Kalim… there’s something you should know.’
‘Hmm?’ Kalim doesn’t turn around, staring in a sleepy daze at the water filling up his glass.
‘Jamil Viper was attacked last night.’
Kalim freezes.
‘He’s in critical condition right now. There’s still a very real chance he could die.’
The glass slips out of his fingers, shattering all over the kitchen counter and the floor. His mother jumps at the noise, startled. She starts to say something else, but he can’t hear her anymore.
Kalim stands in the middle of a million gleaming shards of broken glass, feeling completely numb.
The cause, as he learns, is that damn arranged marriage interview. It turned out to be a trap, an elaborate plot from an anti-royalist radical group. There was a long and drawn out confrontation, one only the two teenagers present had escaped with their lives, due to Jamil’s quick thinking. The primary target had been the girl; his master simply got drawn into it coincidentally.
(A coincidence. Jamil nearly lost his life because of a coincidence.)
Kalim rushes over to Jamil’s side as soon as he can, begging to be allowed to see him.
There’s a tired looking woman at the door who shakes her head.
‘He’s not allowed any visitors right now.’
‘But-’ Kalim begins.
‘He’s not allowed any visitors right now,’ the woman repeats firmly.
His protests dry up in his throat.
‘Can- can I at least wait here then?’ Kalim asks weakly.
The woman nods, gesturing over to a waiting area over to the left. Kalim drags himself over and sits down, instantly beginning to fiddle with his hands.
The shock is slowly wearing off now, replaced by an overwhelming sense of guilt. Jamil, the person who he kept saying again and again that he wants to help and protect, is in critical condition. He could be dying at this very moment. While Kalim spent his evening kissing a boy, Jamil had to fight for his life.
A cold, malicious voice deep inside him whispers that it’s all his fault. That he never should’ve let his own selfish desires become a priority over his master’s well-being.
Kalim draws his knees up to his chest and lowers his face, choking down the sobs that threaten to burst out of his throat.
At that moment, some part of Kalim withers and dies…
…and something else takes its place.
From now, Kalim will never let his own desires distract him so badly. Never.
(He’s learned his lesson.)