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In the span of 2 weeks, Freddy had met a cute girl, lost his superpowers, got them back, had his first kiss, buried his best friend/brother, watched him come back from the dead, and…had his first breakup. High school sucks sometimes.
So it’s not like he didn’t have reason to be off his usual rhythm, alright? And even if he was acting weird, it’s not like everyone else was being perfectly normal either. Trauma and all that. In any case, Freddy did not expect to be called out on it. And certainly not by Billy. Wanting to talk about Ann.
“So…did something happen between you and Ann?” Billy asked, would-be-casually, late one night as they were going to sleep. Freddy had just plugged in his phone and set it aside to go to sleep. Well…lay in bed staring at the ceiling for a while, seeing the flashes of lightening every time he closed his eyes too long, until he finally drifted off for a few hours before dawn.
“We, uh,” Freddy shifted against his pillows, decided to just get it over with and admitted, “We broke up. I mean, we weren’t really together to begin with, not officially or anything. But yeah, we talked and, we’re not gonna date or anything.”
Billy had shifted on his side to face Freddy. Freddy remained on his back and stared at the ceiling.
“What? Why?” Billy pressed, “I thought you really liked her. Everything was…messy and all, but she’s cool now and nice. And she definitely likes you.”
“Look, it’s not a big deal, it just didn’t really work out.” Freddy said, “I did like her and all before but…it’s complicated. So we’re not…anything.”
Billy was quiet for a moment, and Freddy foolishly thought he’d drop it and let him wade through his harrowing memories all night in peace. But no.
Billy took a breath before speaking, like he was choosing his words carefully. “It’s not like I’ve been in your situation before, man - or like anyone has for that matter. But you guys do seem good together, in a weird way, and if you still care about her, you should try, y’know? I don’t know if you maybe blame yourself or Ann for anything that happened, but you shouldn’t and you shouldn’t let it stop you seeing her.”
“I think she’s just trying to figure out who she is now and who she wants to be. And I know she kinda did want to do that with me, but…I don’t think either of us really wants that for real at this point. It would just be too confusing. For both of us.”
“But you like her; don’t not see her because you feel guilty or something-“
“This isn’t about Anthea!” Freddy whisper-shouted across the room, “Or how I feel about her. I mean it kind of is, I guess, but it’s not that I’m punishing myself for anything not seeing her or-or- or- pushing her away or anything. I did have feelings for her before. And I can forgive her for any part she had in what happened, I mean I know she didn’t want any of that to happen. I- actually, you remember when I said you were like Hespera because I thought you were trying to control everything I did? Sorry about that, by the way, I didn’t mean it-“
“Freddy, forget it.”
“Anyway, I actually think you’re more like Ann. She didn’t want revenge like Kalypso, and I don’t think she really even cared about getting all their power back, I think…I think she really was just trying to keep her family together. And that’s all you were trying to do and,” Freddy sighed, “We were all too busy playing hero or playing at being normal kids to see what you already saw. That really all we had was each other. And we needed each other. Need each other to do this.”
Billy looked away, looking a bit embarrassed. He rolled onto his back and said to the ceiling, “I don’t see why any of that means you shouldn’t date Anthea. She knows better than anyone else what we’ve been through.”
“I told you, it’s not about her. I mean, I just- don’t have feelings like that for her anymore. Like, I can forgive her totally, and I think we can still be friends fine, but I just- can’t. Be more. Want more. Because I can’t forget. ‘Cause now everything I felt about her is wrapped up in everything that happened and I can’t see her without thinking about…” Freddy trailed off, not knowing how to even start to explain the mess of feelings and thoughts in his head these days. More so than usual.
“It’s just everyone is so glad for what you did. And Anthea and the fucking Wizard and probably even Wonder Woman are all so proud of you for- for- throwing yourself on a bomb. That it was your responsibility, your fucking job-“ Freddy breathed sharply, trying to avoid making the choked feeling in his throat known.
“It was my responsibility,” Billy interrupted, voice quiet and unusually deep, “It had to be done and I was the only one-“
“I know, I know,” Freddy raised his voice to talk over Billy, “That’s exactly the point. Standing there by the dome, watching you - I realized that. Like I mean we’ve been superheroes for three years and all, and I’ve always taken our job to keep people safe seriously, but this was- I mean, there was nothing we could do and you were the only one who could stop her, and I realized it was your responsibility…and I realized it was going to kill you…” Freddy was lost for words for a moment, not sure how to explain everything he was feeling, how to make sense of what happened. How to explain the hollow feeling in his chest that had lingered since finding Billy lying on the stadium field. How to make the horror and grief stop choking him whenever he was away from his family, like he might return to find a member gone.
Billy shifted on the bed across from him, but didn’t seem to know what to say either, eyes locked on the ceiling.
“And then when we found you,” Freddy continued in a whisper, not wanting to say it too loud and find himself back on that field somehow, “I found you. Gone and half burnt and you wouldn’t wake up-“ Freddy rubbed his nose with his sleeve angrily, “And all I could think was, like, fuck why did it have to be your responsibility? And didn’t they all know you had other responsibilities, too? To be our brother, my brother. Why didn’t you get to be just Billy…and I realized I’m a shit hero,” Freddy laughed brokenly, ”because if I could’ve done anything, then, to keep you from facing her, I would have. If running had been an option, I would’ve had us all out of there so fast. Even if it meant no one stopped her. But instead we just stood and watched you die.”
The room was quiet for a moment; Freddy could feel tears sliding down his face but made no effort to wipe them away.
“I’m sorry,” Billy said finally, his voice hoarse, “These powers and everything that comes with them are my responsibility, but I didn’t really give you guys a choice in having to deal with it too. Maybe I shouldn’t have shared the powers and made it all you guys’ problem too-“
“NO,” Freddy snapped, sitting up abruptly, “That’s not the point here. None of us want to sit here at home, and not be able to do shit if you need help. We’re in this too. It’s not just your responsibility, it’s all our responsibility. And I wouldn’t have it any other way, man, but it’s fucking me up right now, okay?” He punched his pillow lightly, just to let some of the tension in his body out.
The bed creaked - Billy got up and sat on Freddy’s bed. There were tear tracks evident his face and he almost looked fourteen again with a lost expression that was probably mirrored on Freddy. It didn’t stop Freddy from continuing on. Now that he’d started letting it all out, he couldn’t stop the words from coming, finally leaving him instead of racing around his head.
“How would you feel if it wasn’t you? What if you’d lost your powers, and it was Mary in that dome? Or Pedro? Or Dar-“
“Don’t.” Billy cut him off, “Look, I can’t imagine what it was like for you guys. I don’t think I could handle anything like that happening to any of you guys. But that’s why I had to do it.”
“You came back this time, somehow, we got lucky. But there’ll be a next time, won’t there?” Freddy wiped his nose on his sleeve, just for something to do with his hands, so neither he or Billy would see them shaking.
“I get it, I do, but- look, it all worked out.”
“No you don’t get to do the whole ‘it all worked out, all of you get to live’ thing. Like we didn’t still have to bury you. Like we didn’t all see your body on the field, like Dad didn’t have to carry your body home.” His voice was catching, making it difficult to speak, but the words kept coming, “Like we would in any way be okay if you weren’t here. Like Darla hasn’t been sleeping with Mom and Dad since you came back because she has nightmares every night. Like Mary doesn’t come and and say goodnight, just to check you’re actually here still. Like any of us have let you out of sight since then, cuz we thought we’d never see you again…
“Like you haven’t been getting up and sneaking off to the lair every night,” Freddy pointed a finger accusingly at his brother, “And I know because I’ve been awake, too, but I’ve been to chicken shit to stop you or talk to you about it, so I just follow you and make sure you’re not doing anything but sitting in the thrones and moping. And obviously you’re not okay, but I’m a shit brother and I have no idea what to say that could make any of this better, so I just don’t say anything until you want to talk about Ann, like this is the time-“
Freddy cut himself off when he finally looked Billy in the face again. His voice had risen during his outburst, heat rising in his face and chest, tears forming again in his eyes, but Billy had gone still and quiet, despite the tears on his face.
“I’m fine,” Billy said softly. Such a blatant, painfully ridiculous lie that it made Freddy want to scream. His expression was carefully neutral to the point of being empty, but he couldn’t hide the haunted look in his eyes.
Freddy’s voice was just a whisper, “No, you’re not.” Neither of them spoke for a moment.
“Maybe not. But I’m here. And I have you guys.”
Freddy leaned forward and pulled his brother into a tight hug, chin resting on his shoulder.
“You’ll always have us,” he promised, “But you don’t have to act like it’s okay just cuz you came back.” You were gone and it was not okay. That still happened.
Billy returned the hug, his grip not as tight as Freddy’s, but steady and reassuringly there. His whole body sagged against his brother’s with exhaustion, more than just the physical kind.
“You’re not a shit brother or a shit hero. Just so y’know,” Billy said quietly.
Freddy shrugged slightly. “Thanks,” he mumbled, before pulling back again. He wasn’t sure he believed it yet, but he wasn’t going to fight it tonight.
Billy wiped his hands over his face before starting again. “Are you really sure you’re okay about-“
“I swear to god, Batson, if you say one more word about me and Ann, I will put you back in the ground.” If Freddy had thought before opening his mouth, he would never have said it. Too soon and all that.
Billy’s mouth dropped open…and then he laughed. Freddy couldn’t help it; he laughed too. For the first time in a couple weeks, it felt like the pressure in his chest had eased slightly. The sudden lightness of breath had a kind of pain to it too, like stretching a sore muscle. But they still laughed, Billy pressing a hand against Freddy’s shoulder to hold them both upright. Tonight, the darkness and silence was broken by soft, muffled laughs, just for a few moments.
They weren’t okay. But maybe they would be.