Chapter Text
I think I am dead.
Or maybe I'm not. I can't really tell anymore, some days I feel like I'm moving without a sense of direction, or an idea of where I should be going.
Sometimes I get confused with things that revolve around emotions, whether they're mine or someone else's. I don't understand why people feel things. I never really understand how they did either.
Someone told me when I was younger it wasn't normal to be this numb. I don't think I disagree with that, but I've never felt any differently. My brother Shiro says I'm just too cooped up in my room writing in my journal, drawing random things or reading some novel I borrowed from the school library. He says I would start feeling happy if I just made a friend.
It's not like I never had a friend. I had one when I was younger, she had light brown hair that reminded me of caramel. She had round glasses that reminded me of Harry Potter from a weird wizard movie my brother had me watch. Her name was Katie and I think I was happy when she was around. It was a while ago so I don't remember if I smiled when she told a silly joke, I don't remember if I ever laughed alongside her.
Sometimes I wonder why we never stayed friends. I see her around school once and awhile. She cut her long hair at the beginning of the school year into something that looked like a pixie. It was now grown out but it seemed to fit her well. Sometimes I wave at her, and she waves back. I don't exactly feel ecstatic about it, I don't really know how it makes me feel. It's confusing.
When I tell Shiro I'm already happy he sighs and shakes his head, and mumbles "no you're not."
I think it's because I have to go to therapy every two weeks. My doctor said it probably was a good idea to start going because of everything that happened the year before. I didn't know how to disagree so there I was the next week getting paired with a therapist.
She's nice though. I can barely remember her name, but I've been seeing her for three and a half months but I still haven't memorized it by now. Doctor Kruger? Doctor Krolar? Doctor Kroll? None of those sound right. Oh well.
Doctor K says I should put myself out there, try and make friends again, she says it would help my apparent social anxiety. I really want to believe her but I can't ever push myself to try. I stand awkwardly in the front of the lunch room with my books in my arms and I stare. I try to think of where I should sit. I could try next to the "nerdy" kids. They probably would Like the TV shows and movies, and all the random books I seem to enjoy too. But then there's the mean kids you find pleasure in picking on the kids who are just being themselves. I really don't want to be picked on for something stupid. My mom used to say I was a sensitive kid. I would cry a lot and I would get angry a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I'm still that sensitive kid.
I tighten my grip over my things and look around the room. There were maybe 3 tables with seats left. Two of which I really wanted to avoid at all costs. The third had a single kid sitting down, which if I was going to be honest I was eyeing him curiously. He had light brown skin that reminded me of the fluffy brown rabbit I used to have as a pet when I was a kid. The boy also had short shaggy hair that seemed to poke out at the sides and all around on the top. It looked like it wanted to curl but also wanted to be lightning straight. In a way it was cute but at the same time it looked like he rolled straight out of bed.
I made one quick glance around the room before I decided I wasn't going to sit alone today. I walked up close to the table and gently dropped my things across from the boy. He looked up from his phone when I sat down.
Words spilled from my mouth before I got a chance to filter through them. "I didn't want to sit alone but I also didn't want to sit with the nerds." I onited my thumb over to the table full of the kids I was looking at earlier. The stranger looked at me with a blank and silent stare for a while. I looked away after a while finding the eye contact awkward but also unnecessary. I pulled workout from one of the folders I had tucked neatly inside my binder and my favorite black pen. It had a nice grib to it, and the color was always consistent. Oh and the click it made always sounded nice. I could feel the boy staring at me. I really didn't want to look up again though because I wasn't sure if it was going to be a curious stare or a mean glare that would tell me to leave immediately.
"Ok. Mullet's just going to sit there, alright. Cool. Fine." The boy rambles on. I lift my head to see how he's still staring.
"I don't have a mullet?" I lift my hair to touch the ends of my hair. It was starting to get long, but that's because I have not gotten my haircut again since last fall. With all the chaos with my brother and moving in with him after everything went on, I just hadn't found time. But it definitely wasn't a mullet, that I can confirm.
The boy laughed and shook his head. "Sure, Keith, it's not a mullet." He rolled his eyes and flicked his phone back on.
"You know my name?" I haven't really spoken to anyone. It was rare for me to say a word to the teachers or the school's social workers, let alone to another student.
"Yeah? We have classes together?" He looked confused or maybe shocked that I hadn't realized. Maybe.he.didnt pay attention to the fact I barely paid attention to the people around me and kept to myself, looking down at whatever novel I had swiped from my room the morning before.
"We do?" I raised an eyebrow.trying to think of what class we may have shared. This was the first time I had met this kid. At least I thought. As I started to dig deeper in my memory I started to recognize him from my English class. "Wait. Are you the boy who presented the wrong project for English? A health power point instead of a book summary?" I smirked at the memory. If it was the same person then this was the kid who tried to present the lord of the rings but instead showed a powerpoint on safe sex, then when he realized what was being presented he tried to cover the board with his Body, failing miserably. The screen showed up until the teacher stopped laughing and turned the computer off.
"Uh..." pink flush boiled over his face while he adjusted himself in his seat. "Yeah." He cleared his throat and looked away from me.
"So you're lance then?"
"Yes."
I couldn't help but laugh, it sounded more like a snort than a chuckle but I didn't care. The embarrassment that was painted on his face was hilarious. I had to stop myself from laughing because I didn't want to look like a fool, but much to my displeasure my composure kept breaking apart, my tight lip expression shattering into a speu of laughter.
"Yeah laugh it up, my misery is hilarious." Lance crossed his arms and frowned. The flush from earlier is still staining his face.
"I'm sorry, it's just- your face." I kept trying to shake the laughter from my body, eventually after several minutes I calmed myself down enough to keep my humor to myself.
"What's wrong with my face?" Lance asks, touching his cheeks and his chin as if to look for a flaw or a spill of ketchup on his face.
"Nothing." I smiled faintly, keeping my lips clamped closed, preventing them from bursting into another fit of laughter.
"No, what's wrong, you're laughing at me." Lance frowned again pulling his phone close to his face trying to see his reflection through the camera.
"It's just when you get embarrassed your face turns pink and it looks adorable." I couldn't stop myself before I said it. But as soon as I did I covered my mouth. "Or no, it looks strange." Lance's face screwed into another sad look as he looked at his reflection. "No uh it's cute-no it's endearing?"
I tried to recoil and fix my mistake but it seems I only made it worse because now Lance was the one laughing. The corners of his eyes crinkled up, and his lip parted just slightly to let out a loud laugh.
Lance cleared his throat before speaking. "It's ok, I understand what you mean. It was funny looking?"
"Yeah. Funny looking." And almost for a full class period I didn't think about last fall, or Shiro, or Katie. I thought about Lance and how maybe I could be happy. If only I kept around and tried being his friend.