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"I don't know" James said with a half-hearted shrug, "maybe therapy or whatever is for the best. I mean... I can't get it out of my head, ya know? He was right there, D. Right there. If I had just stretched my arm a little further I could have-
"Don't" she cut him off. "There is nothing you could have done that wouldn't have meant you going right down with him. That fire was out of control. I shouldn't have let any of you in there. It was too dangerous..."
James shook his head as they signed in on the little clipboard at the desk. It was no use arguing with Dorcas when she got like this. She was a great fire chief, but she had a bad habit of taking on everyone else's mistakes or tragedies as her own personal failures. She wanted to protect everyone. It's why she was so good at her job; why they all trusted her with their lives every day. But it was killing her.
The roof had collapsed so suddenly none of them saw it coming. They'd checked for weaknesses. They had put out most of the fire. It just happened too fast. Over a month had gone by and still James felt like he might never get that image out of his head.
"See?" He said, pointing between the two of them. "This is why they are making us do therapy."
Dorcas laughed a little, but it felt forced. Everything felt forced these days. She wondered if anything she did even mattered. There was always another fire. Another wreck. Another tragedy. Another person she couldn't save.
A man opened the door and smiled warmly at them.
"Dorcas? James?" He asked as though they weren't the only other people in the room.
Dorcas covertly rolled her eyes with her head turned away toward James, and the two of them walked into the office of Dr. Remus Lupin unprepared for how they would feel in an hours time. Unprepared for how easy Dr. Lupin would be to talk to, or how much they would each look forward to their individual sessions in the next weeks.
-
James talked a lot about Peter. How he hadn't felt like he appreciated him enough before the accident. How he had made a heartless stupid little joke just a few days before about how he would be the first to go in a disaster all because he'd forgotten to put his pants on before his boots during a midnight exercise call-out. How he felt guilty, like it should have been him instead.
"Pete was only first on that roof because he was trying to prove himself" he said, crying a little. "If I hadn't made him feel like such shit... he would have never gone first. He never ever wanted to go first. Ever. He was the cautious one."
"Do you think if it had been you- if you had gone first- he would be in that seat blaming himself?"
James thought about it for a minute. He knew the answer. He knew what Dr. Lupin was getting at.
"Yea. I think he would be."
"And what would you say to him, knowing he felt that way?"
"That it's not his fault. He's not a coward or a bad fireman. It just happens. It's the job. Sometimes the fires... you know... sometimes they fight back."
Dr. Lupin sat back in his seat with a small nod. They had reached the place James had needed to get to. Acceptance, however brief.
"I see what you did there" James laughed. "You think you're slick."
"I do, actually" Remus added with a little grin, making James laugh even harder.
-
Dorcas talked about the team. She talked about each person's strengths and weaknesses as if they were puzzle pieces that could fit together if placed the right way. As if better planning and leadership could prevent losses. As if everything could be predicted. As if looking at all the angles and possibilities could bring Peter back.
Dr. Lupin let her vent, let her get the pain out session after session as he bounced her own words back to her, rephrased, but the same.
She would say "They are my responsibility. Everything that happens is on me. If someone dies, it's my fault" and he would counter with: "So you're saying they don't have free will? That their training didn't prepare them and unless you babysit every move every one of them makes, they will die?"
It took a long time for Dorcas, and she stormed out of their sessions on more than one occasion. But when the allotted required hours were up, she asked to keep seeing him outside of what the station mandated.
"I think it's helping" she said in a small voice. "At least... I can hear your voice in my head next to my own sometimes now telling me I'm being a dumbass and to chill the hell out."
He let out a sudden laugh. "I don't think I've ever said that exactly" he chuckled, making a quick note on the pad he rarely used. "But if it helps I would be happy to start."
-
Lily knew James was in therapy. Of course she knew. He never wanted to talk about work with her, but she was so glad he was talking about it with someone. The change she'd seen in him in the last 6 months... it was like she had her Jamie back. The boy who chatted up strangers at the crosswalk like they were old friends, and hugged trees after two glasses of pink wine.
"I think I'm going to start going to therapy too" she said suddenly over dinner one night.
He looked up from his plate with worried eyes. "Everything ok? Should I-"
"No no" she replied easily, expecting his worried mother bear response. "Everything is fine. I just..." she sighed a little, picking at her naan for something to do. "It's just work stress and, you know, trying for a baby... I just thought I'd give it a shot. See how it goes."
He nodded, still looking worried, but she could tell he was trying to let it go.
"Do you want to see my guy? I know I don't talk about him much but he's pretty freaking great."
"Work gave me a list of places they recommend, actually. Apparently ER doctors do like... a shit ton of therapy."
They both laughed and moved on to lighter topics. They'd shared every single thing for so long. The same friends, the same teachers, and for the last few years, the same home. It was nice to each have this one thing to themselves.
Of course neither of them could have imagined they would end up seeing the same therapist.
Lily had a hard time opening up. She was content to talk about everyone else in her life and how they were doing, but never wanted to put the spotlight on herself. It took a few sessions for Dr. Lupin to understand what she actually needed from him.
"You're deflecting again" he said as she started in on a story about a coworker who got a new haircut.
She only half rolled her eyes as she slumped back into the seat a little.
"You can't let it slide just this one time?" She said with a childlike groan.
He smiled but said nothing. She had shared alot, but it was rarely personal. Almost never anything below the surface. He guessed this was because growing up she only felt valued by what she did, not who she was. Any time they got close to the issue, she pulled a away.
He could see her mind working as she stared at her hands. It was her tell. Maybe she was thinking of leaving, or of what to say to ease the perceived tension she would likely blame herself for. He decided to let her in so that she might do the same.
"I... have been seeing someone" he said quietly, crossing one leg over his knee as if settling in for a conversation with a close friend. "It's new, but I really like him."
She smiled wide. He hoped she would get the hint. Tit for tat. I share, you share.
"When I first started dating James, I was so mad it had taken me so long to say yes to him that I... like... made all this drama that really just sucked for a while."
"It's hard to accept being happy when you've never experienced it before" he added simply.
It wasn't a personal revelation about himself as much as a statement of fact for her. He was giving her permission to feel her feelings, no matter how complicated or how long they had festered, and she was very grateful.
"Yea" she nodded with tear blurred eyes, "it is." She took a shuttering breath and buried her head in her hands. "It took so long to get it right with James. With everyone... how am I going to love my future child when I can't even love myself?"
-
Marlene had asked Sirius about his therapist first. Dorcas seemed to have gone out of her way to not mention her therapists name when she'd started going nearly a year before, so it was clear that she didn't really want them going to the same person. Marlene couldn't blame her. She didn't like the idea that her own perspective might be ignored in favor of what someone already knew about her partner if a situation ever came up when Dorcas, or their relationship, would be discussed.
"Dr. Collins is amazing" Sirius had gushed, handing her card over to Marlene. Then, more seriously, "I really hope it works out. I can't tell you how life changing my sessions have been for me. Well... you remember how I was..."
And she did remember. Sirius had been working really hard for years to heal everything his family broke inside of him, and seeing him happy and healthy was enough to bring a tear to her eye. It had been hard fought, but he was winning the war.
Which is why it was so disappointing when Dr. Collins turned out to not be a good fit. Both of them felt it, and at the end of the second session she had very kindly given Marlene a list of personally vetted therapists in the area that she felt might be a better match. Sirius took the news in stride. He had gone through at least 5 therapists before he landed on Collins, so Marlene decided she could try one more time.
Walking into Dr. Lupins office felt like leaning into a warm hug. She could tell he was use to adapting quickly to people, and she wondered out loud in the first session what his life growing up was like to have gained such a skill.
"You would make a great therapist" he deflected, laughing suddenly at her question.
"Well I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up so... maybe I will be one day" she grinned.
Their sessions were quickly productive. Marlene had faced a lot of violence in her early adult life. Hate crimes and the ever present risk of being a female in a cruel world. She was blunt about it, almost emotionless. Making jokes that did a decent job of hiding how haunted she truly felt. Dr. Lupin knew she was separating herself from the trauma as a way to make it lighter, more manageable, but it wasn't working anymore. She knew she wasn't dealing, but she didn't know how to do anything but pack it up and set it all aside. She needed help and she was willing to work at it from the first meeting.
They made a plan and set goals for her day-to-day life that seemed easy on paper but that felt like physical labor in practice. When Marlene had breakthroughs they would fist bump across the tiny coffee table while she made jokes to cover the fact that she was crying.
"Damn Lupes" she would say as she wiped her eyes. "We're fucking crushing it today!"
He would nod as he bumped his fist to hers. "Hell yea we are, Macs!"
-
Remus was the first person Sirius had dated exclusively since boarding school, and even at 16 years old with hormones and grand ideas of a forever type of love coursing through the school halls like a feather in a hurricane, he knew it wasn't built to last with Kingsley. But this time, with Remus... it was different. He was different.
From their first date he felt like he had never laughed so much in his life. They talked easily and freely like old friends, and kissed like they had all the time in the world together. Sirius found himself sincerely hoping that they did.
Remus didn't have a lot of close friends aside from Morgan, his old college roommate who he still had lunch with every Tuesday, but he didn't seem to mind at all how much time Sirius's friends took in his life. When Sirius referred to them as his family Remus didn't question it. When he said he wanted to wait to introduce them all to him, Remus agreed to whatever made him comfortable. He was flexible in a way that was nearly inhuman, and seemed genuine in his desire to move at whatever pace was right for both of them to feel comfortable.
Sirius was falling in love.
-
Remus was getting ready to meet Sirius's found family. They would be meeting at a dinner for Sirius's birthday hosted by his adopted family, the Potters. To say he was nervous was an understatement, but Remus had never been one to give in to his own fears. He loved Sirius. He would do whatever and meet whoever was deemed important enough to be in his boyfriend's life. He wanted a permanent place there too. He was willing to face whatever awkwardness he knew was coming in order to have that. To have a future with this man he adored.
Hand in hand they walked up the long driveway to the only real home Sirius talked positively about. The woman who greeted them had shoulder length dark black hair and an easy smile. She pulled Sirius into a smothering hug before giving Remus a quick once over. She raised her eyebrows in what Remus hoped was approval as she gave him a small but welcoming hug of his own. She said a few words to Sirius in Hindi, and Remus watched in amusement as his boyfriend blushed furiously before they were dragged away into the main part of the house.
Sirius was great. Even though the party was for him, he never left Remus's side. He kept his hand held and introduced him to each person as they made their way through the crowds and clusters of people. Remus loved seeing him in this environment. He let himself wonder how it might be at their wedding. Would they have a big one? Would all of these people be there to share in that moment with them one day?
He tried his best to pay attention to names and remember every detail just in case, but he was so mesmerized by Sirius that it was hard to see anyone else.
When they made their way to the middle of the room a loud, familiar voice called out to Sirius over the music and crowd. Remus took a deep breath and prepared himself for whatever reaction he was about to get.
-
"Sirius?" James practically shouted, jumping in a vain attempt to see over the heads of all the people crowding his childhood home.
He grinned wide and motioned to the others to follow when he heard Sirius's voice call back.
"James!"
"My god" Lily laughed as they squeezed through, the two boys still calling out to each other like lost lovers. "This is my hell."
They found each other by one of the small tables Monty had dispersed around the house that held wine and hors d'oeuvres.
"Thank fuck!" Dorcas groaned playfully as she reached for a glass of wine.
Sirius hugged James, then everyone else while Remus sunk back and tried to go unnoticed until he was introduced. There were some jokes about leaving to get drunk on the roof later, and some laughs about how typically over the top Effie had gone for the party before Sirius took Remus's hand again and pulled him to his side.
"Guys. This is Remus" he said in a way that clearly meant something like 'here is the face of the man I can't stop talking about'. It made Remus blush.
"Remus, this is... well... everyone! Haha!"
There was a long and awkward beat of silent staring that followed that introduction.
Sirius gave his hand a little squeeze of encouragement. He could sense something was off with his friends, something he hadn't expected. Remus wanted so bad to tell him, had thought about it for weeks actually, but he couldn't break confidentiality with his patients. Even if they all knew each other and talked about each other in nearly every session.
He squeezed back and gave Sirius a small smile, passing him a glass of wine before taking one for himself.
Remus took a small sip for something to do. Sirius did the same. James and Dorcas were looking at each other. Lily looked down at her hands that were clutching her small napkin full of food. Marlene was looking between him and Sirius as if she couldn't believe her eyes.
"Damn" Remus said casually under his breath, "this wine is amazing."
And just as he had thought- or maybe hoped- Marlene was the one to break the tension. She laughed loud and unrestrainedly, as if the moment was all some big joke that she had only just understood the punchline of.
"Lupes!" She cackled, reaching around James to put her fist out "Holy shit! Welcome to the fam, man!"
He bumped it with a little smile and replied "Happy to be here, Macs" before holding his glass up to clink to hers.
"You two know each other?" Sirius asked, confused but smiling.
"He's my therapist" she confessed, taking a sip of her wine with an amused grin.
"You have to be shitting me" Dorcas half laughed, half groaned. "He's mine too. From... you know... the thing last year... Pete..."
The memory settled for a moment as they all paid silent respect for their friend who couldn't be there.
"So, then... you too?" Sirius asked, nodding to James.
"Yep" James nodded. He held his glass up like Remus had done earlier. Dorcas and Remus both clinked it with a light laugh.
Remus glanced at Lily over his glass, wondering if she was going to say anything. She caught his eye and shook her head the tiniest bit. He gave a half nod then held out his hand to her.
"Lily, right?" He asked.
She took it gratefully and nodded. "Yea, but don't believe anything these guys tell you about me" she replied with a little smile, gesturing vaguely to the others, "it's all lies I swear."
"Noted."
Everyone laughed. The air felt lighter. If Lily didn't want anyone to know, Remus wouldn't give her away. He couldn't.
"Did you know" Sirius laughed, turning to face Remus. "Did you know that my friends were your clients?"
He made a guilty face and playfully hid his eyes behind his free hand as he nodded. Sirius laughed again. He didn't care. Remus knew he wouldn't. He knew he would understand.
"You know... Dr. patient confidentiality..." Remus added in a sing-song sort of way. "I couldn't give them away unless I had their permission. And until you were ok with me meeting everyone I didn't want to give you away to them either."
"Oh my god" Sirius breathed, leaning in for a kiss. "I fucking love you."
"You love me because I basically lied?" Remus laughed playfully "Weird kink, but ok..."
"It's quite hot that you were so... respectful of everyone's privacy, actually. I stand by it."
"Yea" Marlene cut in. "That is pretty hot, Lupes."
They laughed and talked for a while longer before Sirius was pulled away again, Remus following to meet more people, hand still in his.
He had long conversations with his superiors about ethics and the risks of having friends as clients, but everyone decided that ultimately it came down to what the client wanted. This was a unique situation. They were not friends when they started, and they had not become friends through the sessions. It was... complicated.
Lily would stay on as a client, eventually telling James and Sirius when she was ready. Everyone seemed to understand, but it did take a while for her to overcome her own guilt about it. When she got passed it, it seemed like other things started coming easier too. Like a bridge had been crossed.
Marlene joked openly about her sessions with Remus any time it came up in the group and they carried on much like they were before. Intense effort and casual joking working in parallel to get her where she felt comfortable. Everyone seemed use to her unusual method of coping and congratulated her on progress with back slaps and jokes of their own. It worked for her, and as always, Remus let her take lead while he adapted however she needed.
James and Dorcas both stopped seeing Remus in a professional attempt to keep work separate from their home lives. Dorcas had pointed out that if anything were to come up for evaluation through the station, and it was discovered they all had weekly dinner together with their therapist, it would be suspicious. It could look like Remus was just signing off on counseling without them having to put in the emotional work. Of course he would never do that, but it was best to avoid doubt if possible. So Remus made a list of trusted colleagues and they scheduled sessions with two different people. It seemed to be going well.
Sirius asked Remus to marry him two years in.
Remus had told him from the start that it was Sirius's move. That he was in this, and he would wait as long as Sirius needed. They both cried and James took pictures from the bushes outside of the coffee shop to be shared with everyone later. Life felt more full than any of them ever thought it could.