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No one has ever scolded you for being childish, have they?
He knows those words were supposed to make him feel better, he really does. But they weren’t true. Maybe it’s because he wasn’t the youngest until right before they debuted or maybe because he was the oldest sibling in his family.
He couldn’t be childish.
Sure there were moments on camera when he’d play up his role as youngest for fans, but off camera he was the exact opposite. He always did his best did help his hyungs whenever he could. Hoshi was stressed about choreography? Dino was there to drag the leader of the performance unit home and then work the kinks out himself. Woozi couldn’t get something to sound right? Dino was there to bring him food while he worked, knowing how the producer would lock himself away until he got it right. Seungcheol at his witts end with the other members? Dino was there to rangle everyone back together.
He felt that he had that responsibility despite the fact that no one had ever told him that. No one had ever told him otherwise in his defense, so it wasn’t entirely his fault.
The comments he saw online also didn’t help.
He knew the usual things that people said about him. How thirteen was a bulky number and that twelve would make a much better group. How Vernon and Seungkwan were already such better maknaes. How it made things weird that he was the only one with no one else born in the same year as him.
Typically he just took the comments in stride. He knew that his hyungs didn’t actually think any of those things despite the jokes they might make about it. They’d stop in a heartbeat if they knew it actually bothered him and that usually was enough for him.
But recently, his insecurities had been getting worse.
As much as he told people that he just brushed hate comments off, he never really did. It was more that he absorbed it, always thinking about it in some sense. He had never really understood the concept of “brushing it off” when it came to things like that. It usually just sat in his head.
Because of this fact, there were moments when they’d build up to a point where he couldn’t handle them. When he’d gotten to this point before, he’d been able to take care of himself. Get out and by himself before he broke.
This time was different.
He hadn’t even noticed it was getting bad at first. He didn’t think twice about how he was basically hovering over his hyungs 24/7, making sure they ate, slept, and took decent care of themselves. He’d wake up early to make breakfast, pay for snacks, even so far as washing their hair when they were too tired after long practices.
Everyone was stressed out. It was comeback season for the group so their days were full of late dance practices and long recording sessions. Soon enough they’ll have to worry about filming, but that was still a few weeks away and not yet the focus.
He knows they’re all stressed out. He knows that whatever they say during these times isn’t true.
“Dino-yah, can you stop distracting everyone else and focus?” Jeonghan had yelled after Dino had made a small joke to Mingyu inbetween learning songs, “Jesus Christ, I expect better of you.”
He had blinked at Jeonghan in shock for a moment before apologizing quietly and moving to his starting position. Throughout the rest of practice, he was dead quiet. He’d caught the leaders, Jeonghan, and Joshua talking to each other, glancing over at him every once and a while when they thought he wasn’t looking. It made his skin crawl in embarrassment.
When they’d all gotten home that night, he’d let everyone else shower before him while he made a late night snack for them.
“Oh sorry Dino, we didn’t mean to eat it all,” Dokyeom says.
He quickly shakes his head, “Don’t worry about it, hyung. I wasn’t super hungry anyways.”
It isn’t like he meant to stop eating. It just kind of happened. He reasoned that the older members needed it more than he did. His portions at mealtimes got smaller and smaller until he would scrap his plate onto the nearest member’s plate, saying that he’d eaten earlier or that he’d find something later. It worked well enough with their packed schedules.
When they had finally started filming, everyone only got worse.
The company had hired a new director to film this music video as well as an almost entirely new camera and lighting staff which means no one knew how to work with each other. The makeup chairs were the only place any of them felt comfortable with the staff. Tension was high all the time when they were on set and it didn’t help that most of the new staff seemed to have some weird personal vendetta against Dino specifically.
No matter how hard he tried or how closely he followed their directions, something was always wrong with what he was doing meaning that they were continuously rerecording massive chunks of the music video until he finally managed to get it right. He saw how much it was wearing on the members and he really was trying to follow instructions, but nothing he did seemed to be right.
“Dino-ssi,” The director called, voice thin like he was seconds away from screaming in frustration, “I understand this must be a difficult concept for you, but could you stop acting so childish and focus.”
He could feel his shoulders tense up at the man’s words.
Stop acting so childish.
“I’m-I’m sorry…” He stuttered out an apology, bowing as far as he could.
When they had finally been given a break, everyone avoided him. The second they had been let go, the members all turned away from him and huddled into small groups. As he stood, replaying the notes from the director, he could see how they’d glance at him while talking in hushed voices.
“Pardon?” He asks quietly, standing behind the director and a few staff.
The director turned and looked him up and down, something akin to annoyance on his face, “Can I help you?”
“Uh- Yes,” He’s thrown off by the tone in the man’s voice, “Could you explain a little more how you want me to act for these scenes? I want to make sure I get it right this time.”
“I shouldn’t have to explain myself again.” What? “I’ve told you how I want you multiple times, figure it out yourself.”
“Oh… I apologize…” He trails off uncomfortably.
The rest of the day doesn’t get better. He can’t make the director happy no matter how much he tries and none of the members talk to him when they finish. He hands the outfit back to their usual stylists with tears in his eyes.
“Dino-yah,” One of the stylists says softly, placing a hand on his shoulder, “It’ll be okay, everyone is just tired and stressed from having new staff around.”
His smile is strained when he answers her, “Thanks noona, have a good night.”
The drive back to the dorms isn’t quiet like he thought it would be. They all speak quietly to each other, just not to him. He’s ignored the whole time. Even when he tells Dokyeom and Vernon all to shower before him while he cooks something, no one says anything.
After the two shower, he fixes them plates for dinner and sets the table. While they eat, he showers.
There isn’t any food left when he gets out and everyone is in their own rooms.
It’s fine, he reasons.
He doesn’t deserve dinner tonight anyways. Not with how much he messed up today.
His sleep is fitfull at best and when he wakes he feels like he barely got any at all.
The next few weeks go the exact same. During filming, he can’t please the director which in turns makes his members upset at him. He barely eats anymore, telling himself that when he gets things right is when he can eat with his group.
Finally promotions start which means music show stages, award shows, and variety content. Which also means that he now has to work on making sure fans don’t catch onto the rift between everyone.
They work day and night during these few weeks. Everyone feels it, but Dino struggles . Maybe it’s the fact that he hasn’t had a proper meal in well over a month or the endless nights of not sleeping, but he feels like he’s going to puke everytime they have to perform.
He knows carats are picking up on it too. He sees the comments.
Some of them are kind, asking if he’s okay and begging him to rest, but others are downright mean, saying that it’s clear he doesn’t care about being an idol since he isn’t trying as hard as the rest of them. That he should just leave the group or better yet, get rid of himself entirely.
On the morning of one of their final stages, he knows he’s not okay. He’s freezing, but also sweating far too much for having just woken up and every muscle in his body hurts. His head feels like it’s been stuffed with cotton and it takes everything in him to not pass out when he tries to get up to shower.
The only good thing about his members ignoring him is that no one questions his silence on the drive to wherever the award show is. He takes a few fever reducers in hopes that they’ll kick in before he has to perform.
“Dino-yah,” One of the makeup stylists says, “You feel really warm, are you feeling okay?”
It takes him a moment to realize she’s talking to him and he feels sluggish as he looks up at her, “Yes, noona… I’m alright.”
“Should I go get S.Coups?”
That wakes him up, “No- No, that won’t be necessary, noona.”
She seems taken aback by his sudden insistence, but thankfully drops the subject. He catches all of the stylists giving him odd looks whenever they can though. He tries to brush them off as much as he can, but their stylists know them almost as well as they know each other.
He’s so focused on the stylists that he doesn’t even notice his members giving him weird looks at how much he’s being doted on.
The actual performance goes horribly. He trips a handful of times and he knows his voice sounded weaker than it should have. With each mistake, he feels himself get worse and worse. Gross, dark thoughts start filling his mind.
He can barely hold himself up during the ending fairy and as soon as the lights go down, he feels himself stumble off stage as fast as he can. He knows he’s going to be sick and he doesn’t want to give his members another reason to be upset with him in addition to messing the performance up.
As he gets backstage, he’s panting and his shirt is stuck to his chest with sweat. He all but runs into someone, too delirious to recognize who it is, but vaguely being able to hear the panicked voice of who he thinks is his manager. Everything is too warm and his vision is foggy. Black dots scattered across his sight.
More voices fill his ears, his members, and they sound angry .
He can’t really understand what they’re saying, but he hears his name multiple times and a lot of less than friendly language. His breath catches in his throat when he realizes that they’re mad at him . They’re angry at him for ruining their performance. This is just the final breaking point. He knows they’re tired of him fucking up.
Everything stops abrubtly when a loud sob falls from his lips. He can feel himself shaking violently and how everyone is staring, but he can’t stop his tears. Their manager holds him tighter and tries to console him, but it doesn’t work.
They hate him.
They’re going to try and get rid of him.
Maybe he should have never debuted with them in the first place.
People are yelling around him, but he can barely hear it. He feels detached from everything other than the fear that feels like it’s engulfing him whole.
The last thing he remembers before everything goes black is his manager letting him go and feeling himself drop, pain erupting on the side of his head.
When his hearing comes back, the first thing he hears is someone crying.
Multiple people crying.
And there’s people talking. He isn’t sure what they’re saying, but they’re close to him.
He tries to open his eyes or move his arms,panicking when he realizes he can’t. He squirms a little, trying to find something he has control over.
“Dino?” A voice sounds from right above him and it’s then that the faint feeling of hands on the sides of his head fade in, holding his head in place, “Hey, it’s okay. You’re going to be alright, we have paramedics on the way. We think you had a seizure or something similar, so it’s normal to not be able to move just yet. Just breathe, Hao-hyung is right here.”
Hao? Who is Hao?
A whimper escapes him as more sensations started coming back, including the pounding on the left side of his head, right above his ear. His entire body is sore like he’s been dancing nonstop for days on end.
“Minghao is one of you hyungs, Dino,” The voice says, “Your hyungs are here, you’ve been so strong, you can rest now.”
Minghao. One of his hyungs.
His body involuntarily relaxes as he remembers who Minghao is.
He lets himself drift, barely noticing when he’s being moved and when people are trying to ask him questions.
He isn’t sure when he falls asleep, but he’s vividly aware of when he wakes up.
He can feel the rough sheets on his skin and the air is colder than his dorm is. He forces his eyes open and furrows his brows when he’s faced with a stark white ceiling instead of the the softer tan color he’s used to. When he turns his head to the left, his breath hitches as his eyes land on Jeonghan and then the heart monitor. He looks down at his chest to see different types of wires all stuck to him and an IV in his hand.
It’s silent, Jeonghan being fast asleep with his hair falling into his face a little. It’s the most peaceful Dino has seen the second oldest in weeks.
It’s nice. He sits and takes in the quiet for a few minutes before the door creaks open. Jun quietly enters the room, shutting the door as softly as he can before turning around. Dino watches as Jun nearly jumps out of his skin, clearly not expecting him to be awake.
“Dino!” He says, quiet but relieved, “You’re awake!”
“Jun-hyung…” Dino’s tongue feels a little heavy in his mouth when he tries to talk.
The noises stir Jeonghan, who stares at Dino for a second before realizing what’s going on and jumping up, “Are you okay? How do you feel? Do you need a nurse? Water?”
“Hyung, why don’t you go call Coups-hyung and our manager,” Jun says, gently guiding Jeonghan outside of the room.
Jeonghan looks frantic as he leaves the room, hands wringing and hair a mess. When the door clicks shut, it’s quiet once more.
Jun carefully sits on the hospital bed, making sure not to disturb anything, before he speaks, “You gave us quite the scare.”
“I’m sorry…” Dino mumbles, head tipped down, unable to look Jun in the eyes.
“Hey, none of that now,” Jun reaches forward and lifts Dino’s head with a gentle grip, “If anything, we should be the one’s apologizing, but that can come later. Do you need anything right now?”
He thinks for a moment, “...Can we go home?”
“Oh, Dino… We have to keep you here for a little longer just to make sure nothing is really wrong other than that concussion you have.”
“Concussion?” When did he hit his head?
Jun sighs softly, dropping his hand from Dino’s cheek, “When you started seizing, our manager let go of you and you ended up hitting your head pretty hard. The doctors want to keep you here for some more testing.”
“I had a seizure?” He doesn’t remember much.
It’s all fuzzy. He vaguely remembers the performance and the stylists’ concern, but other than that it’s hard to piece together what happened.
“You don’t remember?” Jeonghan’s voice startles him.
The second eldest was stood in the doorway, looking less frazzled than before, but not at all calm. His eyes have a red rim and he’s slightly pale. It’s so unlike how Dino was used to seeing him.
“The doctors said that might happen, he hit his head pretty hard,” Jun gently helps Jeonghan sit, “Did you call hyung?”
Jeonghan nods, still looking at Dino like he might burst into tears at any second, “Yeah… everyone is on the way.”
An almost awkward silence falls over them. The tension in the room is so thick, Dino can almost taste it. His gaze falls to his hands, feeling too uncomfortable to look his hyungs in the eyes. As much as he’d like to say he didn’t think anything bad, that wasn’t true. The fear that he’s finally pushed his members to their final breaking point is still loud in his mind.
None of them speak after that, they just wait for everyone to arrive while Dino’s fears eat away at him silently. It’s horrible. He jumps everytime either of his hyungs move.
Finally, there’s a soft knock at the door and Dino can see their manager’s face through the window.
When the door opens, not only their manager, but the rest of the group shuffles in after him. They all look awful, the bags under their eyes hang heavy and none of them look like the put together hyungs he’s used to seeing. Seungcheol looks the worst, easily. He looks like he hasn’t slept.
“Dino,” His manager greets, “How are you feeling?”
“Wanna go home,” He repeats what he said to Jun.
“You’ll be able to soon, don’t worry,” As if those words were going to fix everything.
Their manager excuses himself and leaves the thirteen of them alone in silence. He can see how all of them are having a silent conversation above him. There’s a burn of tears in his eyes that makes him feel slightly sick.
“Chan-ah,” Seungcheol says softly and Dino can feel the bed dip slightly where his eldest hyung sits down.
He hears Seungcheol start to say something else, but it gets cut off by the quiet whimper that falls from his lips. He hadn’t meant to actually cry, but the use of his real name cuts him deeper than he ever wants to admit.
“‘m sorry-” He chokes out, hands coming up to scrub at his cheeks, “I’m so sorry-”
As he continues to cry, hands gently grasp his and pull them away from his face. When he’s forced to look up, he’s faced with his third oldest hyung. Joshua’s eyes are glimmering with his own tears and it only serves to make Dino feel worse.
He tries to pull his hands away, “I know I ruined the stage and ‘m sorry you have to deal with me messing up so much… I don’t wanna leave- Please, I won’t mess up anymore, just don’t make me leave-”
His chest is heaving with his rambling, eyes frantic as he looks into Joshua’s.
“You’re okay now,” Is all Joshua says, hands tightening around Dino’s, “We aren’t mad at you. We still love you. You aren’t leaving, it’s all okay now, Chan-ah.”
Something in him clicks back into place at the words. His tears kick up again, but this time they’re not as heavy. There’s a relief in them that has Joshua pulling the youngest into his chest, hands running through his hair. He clings to the front of Joshua’s shirt, curling into the protective arms.
When his tears finally stop, he feels exhausted. Somehow, it’s worse than it has been this last month.
“Sleep, Chan-ah,” Joshua’s voice is soft and comforting, “We’ll be here when you wake up.”
They all keep that promise.
When he rouses a few hours later, they’re all still in the room, scattered around. His heart squeezes slightly at the realization that they really didn’t leave him.
The doctor comes in to explain that he’ll have to stay for another day just to make sure he doesn’t have another seizure, even though he’s informed they’re certain it was caused by stress and that he mostly likely won’t have anymore if he’s careful, and to make sure his vitals are more stablized.
“Your weight is fairly concering even despite being an idol. We’ll have to make sure you have meal plan when you go home to make sure you regain the weight you’ve lost,” That makes his members look away, something that looks like guilt flashing across their faces.
“I’ll let you catch up with your friends,” The doctor smiles before leaving.
It’s silent again.
“Chan-ah?” Seungcheol asks, “Can we talk now?”
He really doesn’t want to. Talking would mean admitting everything that’s been going on inside his head. Admitting his fears and weaknesses.
“Yeah, I guess…” He answers anyways.
A hand comes up to gently pet him on the head before Soonyoung’s voice rings out for the first time since he’d woken up, “What’s been going on with you?”
Dino flinches despite the gentle tone used, hands fisting the sheets. What was he supposed to say? That he pushed himself into a seizure because he knew he was falling behind? What would they say to that other than confirm it.
He doesn’t even realize he’s crying until gentle hands are wiping his tears away.
Face to face with him is Wonwoo.
“We aren’t mad at you,” Wonwoo says, voice deep and calming, “We aren’t going to kick you out of the group or anything like that, we want to know what we missed.”
He keeps his focus on Wonwoo’s eyes as he inhales shakily, “I don’t- I’m not sure when it started…”
When no one interrupts him, he continues, “Fans online made some comments about how Vernon-hyung was a better choice for a maknae than I was and- and Jeonghannie-hyung yelled at me during practice, then the new director refused to help me during the shoot and- and-”
He’s cut off with a shuddering sob, one that shakes through his entire body and lurches him forward into Wonwoo’s already open arms.
“He called me childish,” Dino’s chest feels infinitely lighter as those words finally get aired, “He told me that I was holding you guys back because I was acting like a child.”
Wonwoo’s arms tighten around him and he can hear several of the members inhale sharply out of shock.
“You have never held us back by allowing yourself to be childish,” Woozi says as Dino pulls out of Wonwoo’s arms, “We might get annoyed by it, but never will we think you’re a burden because you mess around on set sometimes.”
Seungcheol nods, picking up where Woozi leaves off, “You especially deserve to act childish. You debuted so young, Chan-ah, and before that you were so focused on debuting that you never got a normal youth.”
A hand runs through his hair, coaxing his head up to look at Jeonghan, “We’re sorry we made you feel like you weren’t safe around us.”
“I want to go home,” He says after a few moments of silence, leaning into Jeonghan’s hand on his cheek, “Can we go home yet?”
“Of course we can, lets get you home, Chan.”