Chapter Text
they're 4 years old when they meet. just about the age where they can sit on the couch and draw while their moms get high outside (that's the real reason natalie's over, if they're being honest).
her mother knocks on the door, and a small redhead peaks out from behind their mother's legs, a small hand with an even smaller wave, but natalie scatorccio is nothing if not energetic, eager to make the friends she’s never had in preschool, "hi! i'm natalie!" she practically runs into the house, not hearing their mother's sigh, the "she's always like this, little spaztic." (after all, they've been hearing it every other day) and the redhead breaks into a grin, missing tooth from running into the doorframe on display, "nat-lee?" "that's what my daddy calls me, natty! you can do it too, i don't mind!" "i'm vanessa." their smile wavers, and natalie scrunches her face up, "can i call you van?"
and when van's face splits into a massive smile, they nod, grabbing the other's hand and racing into their room to show off their cars.
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they're 8 years old when van's grandpa dies. nat dosen't fully get what it means-funerals, she knows death-but she knows that van came to school with teary eyes and said that they want her to be there.
that week in sunday school, they learn the mourners kaddish (natalie finds it painfully situational).
she has to walk herself to van's house because her dad is drunk and yelling at their mom when they sneak out the front door, dressed in an old faded black t-shirt and black jeans that they hoped would be appropriate.
when they get to the palmer's house, the door is open, and there's way too many people for natalie to be comfortable with, so she shakes out her hands to get rid of the weird feeling, and runs up to van's room as fast as she can.
"van?" they're sitting on their bed, tears slipping down their face, a black lump of fabric laying on their bed. "why aren't you dressed?"
"my...my mom said i hafta-" they cough, "to wear a dress. i don’t wanna. i don’t-i dunno why, i just don’t.”
nat considers this, thinking long and hard for an eight year old, and then firmly decides that-"that's stupid. here, take my clothes, we can swap." and proceeds to pull off their shirt and pants, handing it to van, who's teary face manages a smile, "thanks natty." the two pause, holding each others clothes, before van laughs, a missing tooth grin "i like your clothes."
natalie grins back, pulling the dress over their head, "i don't like this very much, it's scratchy. i can't run." she pauses, shivers at the texture, nerves crossing over van's face, "i can suck it up. just for you."
the hug van wraps her in is worth an uncomfortable dress, "i love you." "i love you too, van."
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van is 12 years old when they decide to join soccer.
and since they know nat needs a reason to leave the house, they manage to convince her to join.
"i am seriously going to punch you if you make me do this."
"you'd punch me no matter what, c'mon natty, it'll be fun!"
even with the complaints, van still watches while nat-normally doing a hundred things at once-is completely focused on a single task.
they find themselves face to face with a taller girl, her curly black hair pulled back as she sprints forward, tapping the ball back and forth as she lines up a shot on goal, twenty feet away, then fifteen, then ten, then-
she kicks, and van throws their small body harder than ever before, slamming their hand into the ball and curling inward onto themself, landing on the grass with a thud.
they pop up, grinning like a madman, while nat jumps up and down, dark hair falling in her eyes as she cheers, van matches, colliding with her.
the curly haired girl sticks out a hand, "taissa turner, that was a good save."
van's to busy wondering why their mouth stopped working as they spit out, "i'm vanes-van. van palmer, thanks." to notice nat's face has dropped, fear coating her eyes as van clasps taissa's hand, smiling.
"nice to meet you," it's practiced, van notes-the way taissa turns to nat and extends the same hand, nat's bad at keeping friends, good at making them. "natalie scatorccio." the kindness in their voice is forced only to van.
van snorts as taissa's eyes widen-nat always manages to throw people off by introducing herself as 'natalie'. (something about how it sounds fancier than she is, or at least that what jackie jokes).
they elbow her, "they go by nat, she's just a dick. natty, stop being a dick." and taissa's face molds back into the smile, giggling-only van can hear nat's "never, i'm a dick expert." van's heart jumping to their throat before they pinch her. (nat seems to warm up to taissa as the days go on)
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nat's 14 when she gets high for the first time.
jackie taylor was having a team party, and in a moment of pure insanity, nat stole her dad's weed.
they pulled van aside a little after everyone was settled, "i might have fucked up."
"is this a 'van i need you to cover for me while i put something i stole back' or a 'van i need you to hide a body' kind of 'i fucked up'?"
nat laughs, "no, dumbass, i stole my dad's pot." van's face drops, "no fucking way."
but she pulls it out, a few joints already made that hopefully won't end that badly for her, and all it takes is a glance back at the rest of the team before the two are running out to jackie's tire swing (the one shauna shipman broke her arm on last year). and she's grabbing the lighter from her pocket.
being high is funny. everything seems a little weirder, but nat kind of likes it, it makes them feel calm-their brain constantly racing through everything, but this...natalie can hear their own thoughts for the first time in, well, ever.
she's not sure she likes it, she dosen't like a lot of things, their dad, most classes at school....natalie isn't sure she even likes most people.
van's the exception. van's always been there. van'll always be there.
they knock into van's shoulder, who's been staring at the windows for the past twenty minutes.
"dude, you good?"
"i-uh." van's voice is lodged in their throat, and natalie blinks a few times before turning over, a silent "are you ok?" written on her face.
"natty...nat. nat, i like girls."
nat blinks again, "who doesn't?"
"no-nat." and she doesn't get it, doesn't everyone like girls? like the way their smiles are always so much softer than boys? like the way on the rare occasion she lets them, they hold her so much lighter? "i like girls how you like boys."
"i don't like boys." "natalie!"
she's pissed off now, "vanessa!" and they almost fall as they clamor off the tire swing, "you fucking idiot-i'm telling you i want to kiss girls, not that i don't think boys are fun to hangout with!" van is practically tearing up, and with a start, natalie realizes exactly what they were trying to do, "oh. oh shit-"
van lets out a shaky breath, and nat's brain starts racing again, overcoming the haze from the weed.
"that's not...that's not something everyone wants?" her own voice sounds much to small in her head, muted, like she’s speaking from behind glass, and even smaller when van shakes their head.
"no. it's not."
she swallows hard, "then i guess that makes two of us."
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when van is 15 years old, they see a dead body for the first time.
after weeks of hyping themself up, and nat teasing them in class, they managed to get their shit together enough to ask taissa if she'd like to see a movie together (as friends. duh.)
it ends up being beetlejuice, back in theaters for some reason or another, not that van cares-nat showed up at their house earlier-walking back to her house with kevyn tan, and handed van 20$ with a shady grin that van just knows means she did not get this safely or intelligently. (nat also threw a condom at them. van threw a book in return.)
and taissa said yes, but she's choosing the movie. van could care less what they saw.
so they paied for popcorn and soda and candy, feeling all floaty-like whenever they get high with nat. granted, van didn't like being high that much, it was a once every other month kind of thing for them.
the theater is dark, and van's only half paying attention to the movie-taissa keeps jolting on all the cheep jump scares, eventually she hands van the popcorn, pushing their hair back to whisper in their ear-ignoring or just not seeing how van's entire body stilled-"please keep this i think i'll tip it over."
when not five minutes later taissa grabs van's hand, and van is silently thanking whatever god there is that this theater is dark because oh my actual fucking god.
on their way out they tease her for it, "really, the silly demon?" "shut up, he's kind of scary!" "no, tai. he's really not-" and if tai's blushing even a little...van's smiling harder than they ever thought possible.
that's when the sirens go off, the ambulance speeding down the street, past the houses and down the road to....
"fuck."
taissa looks confused, van can feel panic invading their bones, their brain jumping to the worst conclusion-it's not her. a bunch of people live there. the trailer park always has the cops there for one reason or another.
she's fine, she's fine-kevyn tan is outside the liquor store breathing like he's just run a mile, terror coating his face.
"fuck, fuck-taissa-i'm so sorry, i have to go, here-" they hand her the rest of the candy and another apology before springing as fast as they can after the ambulance, leaving taisssa confused and heartsick outside the theater.
van's heart nearly falls to their feet when they see a black tarp covering....someone. the grass is stained red when they get there, and a cop flings his arm out before van can run up the stairs.
"get off me!"
"hey, hey kid calm down-"
van wriggles until he lets go, and there's tears pouring down their face as they stare around wildly, "who-who is it? tell me, please!"
his face calms a little, "shane."
they collapse on the floor, sick relief flooding-she's ok. thank god they're ok. "where-where's nat. natalie, where is she?"
they can feel an arm pulling them up, "c'mere kiddo.”and he walks them to one of the cop cars.
van can see vera, tears steaming down her face and red on her hands, waving madly at the cops, van caught the words 'unexpected', 'spaz' and 'insane'. another cop standing next to a dark haired girl, silently staring at the black tarp with wide, shell-shocked eyes.
"NAT!" van stops themself before crashing into her, nat's touch reservations still holding prominent, before the taller collapses into van, sobbing uncontrollably into their shoulder.
the two sink to the floor, van holding onto their friend as tight as they could ever, they watch as the body is lifted to the ambulance, they don't turn away in time as the deputy or whoever the hell he is lifts the tarp and whistles.
van's eyes catch, shane's eye and half his fucking head gone, blown off, blood still dripping, flecks of brain matter. they swallow down the popcorn and fanta that threatens to arise, whispering into nat's hair, "what the fuck happened....?"
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nat is 16 when she starts to slip away from the person van's known basically their entire life.
they're still there when van calls them at 3am because they're shaking so hard they can't move, or when they come to school with scrapes on their face from the bottle their mom threw the night before, she still patches them up in the locker room with soft hands and a brightly colored band aid.
natalie's always there, but it's becoming less and less.....natalie.
they get into a fight, their first real one in possibly ever, and when nat goes home she nearly puts her fist through the wall because of it. it wasn't even a real fight, it was pathetic.
it's been six months-six months of ignoring the increased whispers in the halls, six months of passing her classes only because the teachers feel bad, six months of kevyn and charlie treating her like she's glass.
six months of working themself so hard at soccer that when nat gets home she doesn't even have the energy to think.
it's better than the other alternatives she's tried. the ones that leave white lines on pale skin, and make showering sting.
they liked the blonde. it changed during the first month, van helped-neither of them could smell for a week after, but she liked it. it felt safer than the others, but still stung for a little bit when it was setting.
they win their first game of the season, natalie's pass to taissa passing smoothly through the other team members legs, taissa sprinting up and tapping it to lottie who sends the ball sailing over the goalie's head and into the corner of the net.
they cheer their way back into the locker room, and a warm sense of pride spreads through nat's chest for the first time in six months.
they're so happy that everything that's been pressing down feels like it's taken a break, left her mind, let them forget. it's floating away like a balloon, up up.....gone.
lottie mathews is holding onto their shoulders and shaking them as someone slams a tape into the player, and music starts blasting and natalie's grinning harder than she knew they could, blushing unnaturally hard at the attention from the tall girl (lottie’s always loved dancing with natalie, why does it feels so weird this time?)
van's arm is looping around their shoulders, nat's hands hooking around their waist.
they feel like a kid. like when they'd climb as high as she could in the trees and it felt like no one would ever be as high, that the world was wherever she could see-nothing else mattered.
"we fuckin' did it natty, we fuckin' did it!!"
and everything comes crashing, slamming back onto her. pinning their lungs and holding them underwater, dousing the flame with gallons of water with every click of the lighter.
images flick through her head like a screwed up slide show and all natalie can see is her dad's body, her mother's hands and dress slowly overtaken.
she can't see anything else. she can smell the metallic tang and hear the ringing in their ears.
before they know what she's doing, van is pressed against a locker, natalie's hands holding down their wrists, misty's slammed a hand on the 'pause' button, laura lee's jaw wide open. shauna let’s out a soft ‘woah-’ and taissa freezes.
natalie's breathing hard, fighting to keep van's face in front of her, the echo is getting louder with each heartbeat.
"don't. call me that." they manage to force out, sounding much harder than they had wanted, it sounds mean, cold. maybe that's better.
"ever again."
and as they turn away, van's hands connecting with their back in a soft shove, not hard enough to do any damage, some hidden creature inside natalie's chest explodes out.
"what the fuck is your problem, nat?!"
"you!" she spins, stalking up to van, who's face contorts from confusion to defense, "you and that stupid fucking nickname! alright? so just shut the hell up about it!"
they stalk out of the locker room, not missing lottie's worried face or jackie's mutter of "jesus fuck, that girl's a spaz."
eventually they managed to not hit any walls, and insted found the boys at one of the football guy's houses, not that nat really enjoyed football boys, but it's free alcohol and a chance to forget everything she said, everything they didn't mean.
sitting on a windowsill with a shitty bottle of beer, their mind replaying every moment of it, the guilt coming back over and over.
she didn't know why she snapped, but they knew they had to say sorry, say sorry and fix this, somehow. van would get it, they always got it. nat rarely got mad at them, but they were always mad at someone. van was always mad at their mom. nat got it.
"hey, hey."
nat looked up, a boy in a letterman jacket with an annoyingly bright grin that made him look like the hot boy in every teen romcom movie that laura lee picked whenever it was her choice at movie night had his hand on top of the window, beer in hand. he was grinning directly down at her.
something about him made nat want to gag. it was probably his face. something else about him made nat want to run out of her own skin. also probably his face.
she nods in his direction before going back to staring out the window.
"what're you doing here all alone?"
"does it matter?"
he grinned again, and nat's hand instinctively went to her pocket, intending to close around the swiss army knife.
insted, the boys hand shot out and held her wrist in place, inches away from the knife.
"let go."
he leaned down, she could smell the beer on his breathe, could feel her own speeding up. she still had one arm.
"not until you give me a kiss."
"what the fuck, man? i don't even know you."
natalie twisted, intending to land a knee in his groin, but insted her back slammed painfully into the wall, and his entire body pressed against hers.
"i said let go, fucker!"
he laughed, and that thing that had exploded only hours before formed again, reared it's head up again-pulling out their free wrist from their back, and as the boy leaned impossibly closer, slammed into the side of his cheek.
"CRAZY FUCKING BITCH!" it came out with flecks of spit and blood, but she only pulled back again and struck him in the same place, the creature screaming in pride, again, again, again, again-
"NATALIE!"
the creature vanished, crawling back, away, hiding again inside of nat, the boy did the same, crawling to his feet and running into a new room, adjusting his pants as he did so.
nat turned, heart leaping into her throat as she saw lottie staring daggers in the direction of the boy, and then turning to give a soft smile at nat, "are you alright?"
"i-uh. mhm."
lottie gave her a funny look, and natalie had the strange feeling that her entire body was being x-rayed, lottie scanning through to see everything, read their entire person.
"you're bleeding."
she was right, nat's knuckles had split, it was barley anything, but lottie still took them by the hand and lead them into the bathroom.
"what happened?"
some part of natalie couldn't even attempt to lie to her. by the end of the story, however-lottie looked relived, "at least you're ok." she smiled, and natalie blinked.
"fuck."
lottie's smile wavered, "what?"
"nothing. why are you here?"
the taller girl shrugged, "van wanted to come but tai was busy so now i'm here."
natalie winced, weather from surprise or the soap and water lottie was gently rubbing over their knuckles, she didn't know.
"van's here?"
lottie nodded, "mhm. i can get them if you want, i think they'd like to talk to you."
nat blinked, trying to keep a straight face as her mind ran through outcome after outcome after outcome. what if van hated them? what if they never wanted to talk again?
"yeah. alright, whatever."
the other smiled, "i'm glad." and then bent down to kiss natalie's knuckles.
natalie froze, a weird sensation flooding through their entire body, landing in their chest and spreading out to her cheeks and hands, heating up her face, "it's what i always see them do in movies whenever someone's hurt." lottie pauses, considers, "the romance ones at least. i figured it couldn't hurt."
nat nodded slowly, "mhm." as lottie left with a smile, off to find van. nat slowly stood up and glances at her reflection in the mirror, her entire face was pink, "what the fuck?"
the door opens again, and van trips in backward, "lottie what the actual fu-nat?"
the door clicks shut, and the mask that nat's had up for months gets torn down in a second.
"i'm so sorry-i shouldn't have shoved you or sworn at you or-"
it all comes flooding out, and in the middle of it, natalie's hit with the realization; the only person she's ever apologized to, genuinely at least-screaming cries of 'i'm sorry' don't really count when it's aimed at natalie's parents-is van.
"nat!" she stops, as van's all too familiar smile swims back into place, "you're still going through a lot of shit. i know you don't want to admit it, or anything really, but you're a kid." natalie scoffs, and van gives her a look, "and i keep thinking you're changing and of course you are. i'm not mad at you, yeah i kinda wanted to slap you but i'm not mad. ok i'm not that mad. i'm definitely pissed, but we're cool."
natalie hesitates for a second, then smiles, "when the hell did you get so smart?"
van blushes, "hanging out with taissa is doing something fucked to my brain-she actually likes studying."
"just studying, hm?" nat's smirk is back in it's normal place, and van knocks into their shoulder, "says the flamingo after lottie was in here."
"dude. that...i think she broke me."
"really? how the every loving fuck did charlotte matthews break you?
"she's like....magic?"
"how high are you right now?
"no i'm serious it's so weird. she kissed my knuckles after bandaging them."
"nat you are a giant fucking dyke."
"says you."