Archive of Our Own

jaemin was always in the distance. looking and staring at chenle who was either willingly engaging in group activities or just listening and supporting those around him. whatever he felt like that day, he did just that.

he swore that chenle never felt pressure to be or do something he didn't want to. it was alluring, inspirational, and captivating. jaemin never imagined to be close with someone who actually didn't care about what people thought of him, how people felt about him.

since he himself was one of the millions that were hyper aware of all the negative things being said about them, unconsciously making them change the way they naturally are to fit other's expectations. it's not like he wanted to be that way, jaemin swore it was wired inside him, wired inside every human, to be in a lack of better words; insecure. all but chenle.

of course jaemin couldn't say what chenle was feeling, he couldn't speak on his behalf whether he is insecure or not. but what he is saying is that even if chenle was, he hid his feelings well. jaemin wondered if chenle was wearing a mask all the time, if chenle had all these emotions stored so deep inside him that they would never see the light.

he would ask, he would ask chenle all these questions he has been curious about, but he couldn't. there was a barrier between them, not a physical one, but an imaginary one. this imaginary barrier was still stronger than a realistic barrier, no matter how much jaemin tried to break it down it would just build up again. this barrier was made for the sole purpose as to their relationship being nonexistent, they weren't close at all.

they could fake friendship, it is easy. just put a smile on your face, force yourself to laugh at their jokes, possibly sling your arm around their shoulders, and there you go. you successfully fool a person to believe you know each other, that you thrive in each others presence.  this was a verified fact, jaemin and chenle have been doing this for years now.

and it is not like jaemin didn't want to get close to chenle, he really did. he wanted to be the reason for chenle's melodic laughs, he wanted to be the reason for chenle's pure happiness, but they were just miles away although they were truly a foot away from each other.

since debut things started off rocky. chenle was super young, he wasn't from korea, and he barely understood what the others would talk about when on variety shows or just simply alone off-camera. he would constantly go to renjun for help because he knew he understood what he was going through, sometimes chenle would seek help in jisung or donghyuck. jaemin never took it to heart, it's not like he offered chenle help anyways.

plus chenle didn't go to jeno or mark much either, so jaemin just shrugged off the feeling of not being wanted. he just watched chenle in the distance, consuming as much knowledge as he could about the way the younger works. noting down what he likes, what he doesn't like, what makes him uncomfortable, what makes him happy. jaemin wanted to be filled with intellect about chenle before trying to make a bond.

it works, it always worked for jaemin. his way of making friends had a 99% success rate, so he was confident that chenle and him would be close in no time.

he noticed that chenle was an introvert like him, he noticed that iced vanilla lattes and stephen curry made him happy, he noticed that chenle avoids stressful situations or ones that get too physical, he noticed that chenle likes space that he needs time alone to feel comfortable, he also noticed that they were so alike.

they were a copy paste version of each other, everything that chenle liked and disliked, jaemin found himself liking and disliking the same thing. so why was it that when jaemin tried to get close to chenle, he simply ignored his advances and made the barrier thicker. it wasn't making sense, jaemin followed his friendship instructions step by step. so why?

this ruined jaemin's confidence. maybe that was a little dramatic, but truly, jaemin would always feel on edge before confronting or talking to chenle. scared that he was going to scare him off or offend him in any way. and it shouldn't matter this much, but jaemin was invested, he felt some special way about chenle. about the bond that will soon happen, it just had to happen.

chenle had no idea what he was doing to jaemin, how he was unintentionally making him feel. he thought that since they were not close, jaemin just wasn't willing to make it work again. and chenle would gladly be the person to instigate their relationship, but he wasn't that kind of person. he doesn't seek for people, he doesn't seek for validation of likeness.

whoever wanted to hang out with him could, only if he felt like it though. he was a social butterfly at times, but when he wants to wind down he wants nobody near him. he just wants to be on his bed, cuddled up in his warm soft blankets, and listen to piano instrumentals or ballads. he never means to reject plans or physical affection with mean intent, it just comes off that way for some people.

he blamed himself for him and jaemin not being close. he could tell that jaemin tried his best, he was always checking up on chenle, and asking genuine questions to get to know him better. and then when he finally asked to hang out, chenle rejected him and said that he wasn't in the mood. it came off cold, like chenle was annoyed that jaemin asked him to spend some time with him, but it wasn't intentional.

once chenle realized how he sounded, he stopped in his tracks on the way to his room. he hesitantly turned around to find jaemin, but the hallway was empty. he had left. it was something chenle would never forgive himself for. yet things have to be forgotten, put to the side, this happened years ago. the present was the only thing he should be worried about.

and lately chenle felt like he was indeed redeeming himself. jaemin and him talked more, they finally said good morning to each other, they finally greeted each other when they walked past instead of just ignoring. things were good, he felt like this "coworker phase" had past. they gamed with each other every night, and jaemin even bought him a new computer.

throughout their bonding chenle realized they were compatible, they understood each other on a certain level. it was nice, refreshing, and something that chenle hopes will never disintegrate.

jaemin on the other hand felt proud of himself, like he finally cracked the code of an impossible mission. and the amount of relief that he felt brought joy into his heart, he loved being around chenle. he was cute, energetic at times, mellow, and so beautiful inside and out. jaemin constantly described chenle's life as a painting.

his life was alluring and gorgeous to see, but so confusing because you never could tell the story behind it. you could only make assumptions upon assumptions, but they will never be answered. they will never be certified as true or false.

•

"what are you doing," a voice scared jaemin.

jaemin aggressively flinched, his camera jumping out of his hands. he scrambled his hands in the air, barely catching the sensitive equipment before it hit the ground. when he turned around he saw jeno looking at him with a beaming smile and a basketball being supported by his hip.

"sorry, should've warned you of my presence," jeno joked, his eyes crinkling up.

jeno was attractive, extremely, and he acknowledged that for what it is. he had known jeno for the longest, and he can confirm that he grew well into his facial and body structure. but jaemin claims that there are so many other men who are like jeno, attractive with a good personality. he wasn't interesting, not as interesting as chenle.

chenle whose eyes changed upon the mood. chenle whose life was always a mystery. chenle who was so pretty, so beautiful, that you couldn't possibly capture his essence on a flimsy camera. you couldn't capture his essence on anything, you just need to see him raw, in the flesh. but why, why was chenle constantly replaying in jaemin's mind.

"thats alright," jaemin responded, fixing his camera back to it's original settings.

"the guys were wondering if you wanted to join the 3v3 game we are about to do," jeno stated, pointing at half of the court where donghyuck, mark, renjun, and jisung were already fighting over team selection.

"why not chenle? he would love to play with you guys im sure of it," jaemin suggested.

"i dont know, it seems like he is in solitude right now," jeno shrugged, messing with the basketball in his hands.

jaemin looked back at chenle and smiled lightly. chenle was practicing his shots and was so focused on succeeding every angle and distance he attempted on the court. he really shined when he was by himself, just highlighted that he was living without a care for the world.

"yeah.." jaemin sighed, bringing his eye up to his camera and focusing on chenle.

his form was outstanding, the practice and attention to detail was noticeable. although jaemin didn't know much about basketball, he can still tell you how your posture should look like and what it shouldn't. and chenle's was a textbook example of a step by step procedure on how to shoot a basketball in a hoop.

chenle's legs bending ever so slightly, and then extending straight as his arms performed the same motions. he pushed up and onto the tip of his feet, his eyes trained on the hoop, pushing the basketball through his fingertips and flicking his wrist with as much force as he needed. jaemin didn't need to see if the basketball made it in or not, he heard the swish and the hum of approval from chenle.

it was a warm day outside, and the breeze was present in the court. chenle was sweating, but his hair was still being blown by the wind. only parts of his bangs being stuck to his forehead, and even with this weird look going on, chenle was still easy on the eyes. just so easy to look at from afar.

"how many more pictures are you going to take of him before your memory card explodes," jeno commented.

jaemin sent a small glare to him and turned off his camera, "you're acting like i take pictures of him all the time."

jeno chuckled and hooked his arm around jaemin's shoulder, "look jaem i might be dumb sometimes, but one thing im not is oblivious."

"okay so maybe i do take photos of chenle a lot, so what?" he began to become defensive.

"i am not trying to get on your case relax. i am just saying that maybe if you are so interested, you should surround yourself around chenle more." jeno suggested, "put your camera down for once and ask to play some bball with him."

"but what about your 3v3 game?"

"a little handicapped match never hurt anybody. plus renjun barely counts as a player, he always gets scared of the ball."

jaemin laughs and pats jeno on the back before walking away. he is only a matter of steps away from chenle and each step causes a rush of anxiety to course through his body. he isn't sure why he is so nervous, this was his friend, it was just chenle.

he walks to chenle's half of the court and placed his camera to the side before walking to the center. that is where chenle was dribbling the ball and doing little tricks between his legs and on his arms. his presence was acknowledged when jaemin accidentally stumbles over nothing and chenle looks up at him.

"careful, you fall down and you might get little rocks stuck in your hands and knees," chenle smiled.

is it normal for a statement like that to give you butterflies in your stomach?

"i think you're the problem because im always falling for you," jaemin cheekily winked.

chenle's face scrunched up in distaste, "god please never say that again."

"promise i won't if you beat me in a 1v1 match," jaemin offered.

chenle looked as if he was contemplating a lot, bouncing his ball here and there, his eyes looking everywhere but at jaemin, "okay deal."

they both stood in front of each other and chenle passed the ball to jaemin and jaemin passed it back, and the game started. chenle was casually dribbling the ball, and jaemin was barely trying to gaurd the hoop from chenle. and it was only in a matter of seconds before chenle dashed pass jaemin, jaemin barely having the time to react, and he shot the basketball toward the hoop.

it hit the rim and bounced to the other side of it before circling into the net. it was going to be a long day. jaemin wasn't very good at basketball and chenle was a master so obviously he wasn't going to win. but they got back in starting positions anyway and this time jaemin was the one who had the possession of the ball. and there was a clear difference as to how both of them play.

chenle already had his arms out, waving everywhere, and when jaemin tried to run past, chenle stole the ball from him. slapping it out of his hands and shooting it from afar. the swish of the net echoed and chenle giggled in victory.

"i am starting to think you are letting me win," chenle accused.

"no, i just suck real bad," jaemin assured.

the game went on and jaemin managed to score a few points, still not being slightly close to chenle's score. but he got more into the game. chenle has the basketball in his hands and he is trying to get around jaemin, but realizing he has nowhere to go. and as he attempted, jaemin encircled his hands around chenle's waist.

at first with the intention to get the ball, but he then made it into a physical affection lure. he hugged chenle from behind and laid his face onto his shoulder. his face extremely close to his neck where his breath fanned lightly onto it. he watched as goosebumps rose on chenle's skin and he smirked at the revelation.

"red card!" chenle screeched, trying to get out of jaemins grip, "red card!!"

"aww but i don't see the rules on what we are allowed to do and what we aren't" jaemin smart-mouthed.

"if you wanted a hug you could've just asked," chenle rolled his eyes, dropping the basketball from his hands and letting it roll away from the two of them.

jaemin wasn't expecting the response, and his first reaction would've been to step away from chenle. but, he couldn't help but keep his arms encircled around him, it felt natural, comfortable.

"i wasn't planning to ever ask for one, but if you've been waiting for me to give you one you could've just told me sooner."

chenle bit his tongue back and his stiff tense body melted into jaemin's arms. his mind was screaming at him to move away from this hold, but he just couldn't. it was innocent, kind, and felt needed. this physical affection was something that chenle had been waiting for undeniably. never did he ever think it was necessary to be affectionate with jaemin, but maybe it wasn't so bad afterall.

but it felt like there was something deeper in this hold that was scaring chenle. the increase of his heart rate made him freak out. this wasn't normal, god why was his heart racing so much from being held. he knew he wasn't that cuddly with people, but when he cuddled with jeno or jisung it had never felt anything like this. he always felt neutral, but right now he was filled with expectations.

like he was expecting something to happen, that if he faced jaemin he would do something. chenle didn't know what, but he had this feeling and it wouldn't shake off of him. he didn't know it before he looked down at his hands, but he was trembling. and he tried swallowing this anxiety down but his throat was dry, it was coarse. it couldn't take down this huge lump.

chenle immediately took himself out of jaemin's grip and turned around to look at him. jaemin's face was filled with confusion, hurt. his eyebrows were knitted together and his mouth was slowly deepening into a frown. his hands were still reaching out to chenle, giving away as they found its way back to jaemin's side.

"chenle i-" was all jaemin could say before chenle ran away, "fuck" he cursed under his breath.

jaemin gnawed on his bottom lip as he walked over to his camera and sitting right next to it. he held his head in his hands and mumbled things under his breath. he swore everything was fine between chenle and him, and chenle seemed to be comfortable in their short-while hug. then all of a sudden he ran off looking absolutely terrified.

he never intended to scare chenle, jaemin was just trying to spend some time with him. and in the end it just bit him in the ass like it always does.

chenle didn't even run too far away, he was still in the court area. he just went over to the other side where the benches were located. he seemed stressed, his face was a burning red and he was twiddling with his fingers and messing with his loose shirt. jaemin wanted to so badly go up to him and apologize, but he wasn't going to make the situation worse.

jaemin grabbed his camera, turned it on, and went to the photo album. looking at the past pictures he shot of chenle. pictures portraying the way he soared in his individuality, and it make jaemin's heart ache. he was so fond of the younger, but he knew that chenle would never feel the same way back.

it was just this ongoing feeling of unrequited love... love? no way, jaemin wasn't in love. that isn't the right diagnosis for what chenle and him have. they were friends, group members, coworkers. there is no "love" in-between them, and if there was it was only platonic love not romantic love. how could he feel that way for him.

sure his eyes are naturally drawn to chenle, but that means absolutely nothing. since the beginning he had the urge to just hug him, kiss him, and simply drown in quality time with him. but it wasn't in a romantic way, it was just because chenle was cute and interesting, and jaemin actually felt like it was necessary to feel that way.

it wasn't like jaemin got jealous when chenle was all kissy kissy with with the other members. sure he felt a bit annoyed and he always wants to simply leave when it happens, but that isn't jealousy.. but it was. it was jealousy, but fuck it, it still doesn't mean he loves chenle.

"i'm sorry," a voice prompted, sounding extremely close to jaemin.

jaemin looked up and saw chenle looking down at him with a wry smile. he turned off his camera and set it aside once again, watching as chenle sat down next to him. this was a first, chenle approaching jaemin, this was the first time he ever did.

"no need to be sorry," jaemin quietly chuckled his breath coming off shaky, "i shouldn't have played with you like that."

"no," chenle said causing jaemin to look at him more intently, "i don't have a problem with you hugging me, it's just me.. not you. i just felt weird i-".

jaemin snorted out a forced laughter, chenle felt weird about him hugging him. that hurt more than it should've, and before jaemin knew it he was already getting up and grabbing his camera, hanging it around his neck.

"you don't even have to finish that statement chenle, its fine i get, i wont do it again." jaemin spoke brokenly.

"wait hyung i didn't.... i didn't mean it like that," chenle muttered the last words to himself.

if jaemin was this hurt over something like this, he was willing to blame it on love.

he was in love with someone that probably won't ever love him back.

•

the basketball incident was soon long forgotten between the two of them like all tense situations they have do. they should've talked through it, lay all feelings on the table, but there was simply no time for that. they had to move on and suck it up.

especially since they have been on tour for the last few weeks in america. during all this traveling chenle found himself getting sick, at first he labeled it as small cough. probably just some random cold he got from constantly changing locations with different weathers. but it progressively got worse.

he felt weak, and he was now being more excluded from the group then usual like he was back in quarantine all over again. when he was on stage he would always take any moment he had to cough, or drink some water. and nobody was really realizing how much he was struggling, how much he needed someone to be with him, taking care of him.

nobody, but jaemin was watching him throughout every last america concert. he would ask him constantly if he was okay during their breaks or when neither of them were singing. jaemin would bring him a water bottle every second he had so that chenle was hydrated. he even made sure to protect chenle from any fans who might've been concerned with the way chenle was struggling. he knew that the last thing chenle wanted was to make fans worry about his health.

jaemin was just chenle's savior and the younger acknowledged this, feeling grateful that jaemin makes sure he has somebody alongside him. but he couldn't help but question why jaemin was like this with him. why was he so worried and protective over him after what happened between them in the basketball court.

chenle in a way wanted jaemin to be upset at him, to stop faking their friendship, not knowing that jaemin was not faking anything. chenle believed that jaemin was only being this way because he wanted to look good in front of everybody, and this was such a shallow way of thinking.

if jaemin ever found out that chenle thought this way it probably would have been his last straw, and he most likely would have broken down. but chenle had the intention to never let jaemin know how he felt towards his kindness, there was enough tension in-between them anyways. no need to add excessive drama.

once their america tour ended, they went back to korea and things were not looking good for chenle. they only had so much time to rest before having to make their concert stops at manila and singapore. and overtime chenle's condition plummeted, there was no way he was able to make it to the next two destinations.

and he tried everything, honey, medication, and herbal teas. but nothing worked. through this process of trial and error, jaemin was the one helping him once again. buying the honey, buying the medication, making the herbal teas. he was caring for chenle with so much emotion and eagerness.

jaemin wanted to make sure he was okay, that he was healing and not falling into destruction. but ultimately, his efforts didn't work and it was already d-day for their concerts. jaemin tried to convince the managers and staff to let him stay with chenle, but they didn't allow it even chenle called him unreasonable and told him to attend.

and he did, he listened, but for what reason? he couldn't even perform his best without chenle. chenle was his motivation and without him he had no motive to dance or sing or perform. jaemin was upset and he was going through a hard time, he was struggling to hear chenle's recorded voice boom through the venue without seeing his face.

simply hearing him was not enough, he needed to see him. jaemin needed to see chenle thrive with the widest smile on his face. but jaemin pulled through for the group anyways, finishing up in manila and singapore. failing to keep his phone away from him as he was constantly checking up on any new updates.

he spammed his managers back at korea and asked about chenle, getting bland responses back. them just saying "he is recovering" or "he is doing better". like okay, jaemin gets that, but he wants to know how he is really feeling, so he calls chenle up every night he is away from him. to hear his voice, to hear how he actually feels.

and chenle would respond to these calls every single time, but refused to delve into his feelings. the whole call is just chenle telling jaemin not to worry and that he is doing alright, and jaemin asking him to expand on what he means by 'alright'.

the only thing good that came from them being separated was jaemin realizing he actually couldn't live and function right without chenle. that this love he was rejecting for the longest time was actually there and alive. that he is in love with chenle romantically, that he wants to be with him all the time.

he misses their petty arguments, the way chenle laughs loudly, and the way they would game until the crack of dawn, when chenle's eyes crinkle up into bright shining stars, and even when chenle ignores him or is upset with him. jaemin loves everything about him, he misses everything about him.

"chenle-yah we are back!" jaemin calls out as the members enter their dorm, coming back from the airport.

jaemin wanted to say "i am back" but maybe that would have been a little too weird for not only chenle but everyone else. either way it would've had the same affect as chenle comes fast-walking down the stairs with the biggest smile on his face.

he greeted everyone and asked about manila and singapore, how the energy was and if they visited beautiful places. all questions were answered and all stories were told late into the night. the boys were getting exhausted and each of them individually went away to their rooms, getting ready to go to bed.

jaemin stayed with chenle, talking about their days and what had chenle been doing while they were gone. chenle admitted to drinking the herbal teas jaemin made for him before he left, and taking the medication every morning and night. it was evident that he was getting better even though he was still coughing here and there.

"i think we should talk about how many times you called me all week," chenle giggled.

"yeah about that.. i don't regret it. i miss you," jaemin breathed out.

chenle harshly sucked in air and then exhaled it slowly. there was that weird feeling again that only happens around jaemin. that feeling where he gets butterflies in his stomach from the simple things jaemin says and does. it is annoying, and it is the reason why he just wants to constantly distance himself from jaemin.

"you don't say," chenle exasperatedly chuckled.

the air was off, it turned sour all of a sudden. jaemin sensed this real quick and he was sure it was because he said he misses chenle. but what is so wrong about that? friends say they miss each other everyday so why did that trigger chenle? it had to be because of him, there was no other reason because jaemin knows the other members say that they miss chenle to his face and he never acts awkward or weird like right now.

it was degrading and self deteriorating to have someone feel this way about you constantly. especially someone you like at that, the pain hurts ten times more. jaemin pulled his lip in-between his teeth and tried to read chenle's face. did chenle want him to leave? did he want him to stay? jaemin wasn't sure.

but he let situations like this go to the dumps several of times and this time he wanted to save it. for his hearts well-being but to also stop making chenle run away from him. if he was feeling like he wanted to be in solitude, he would have never came down and greeted everyone, chenle had no reason to leave.

"how about we watch a movie hm? your choice," jaemin suggested.

chenle looked at jaemin and softly smiled, "yeah, i would like that. how about we watch scream 6?"

jaemin hummed in approval, "i'll go get blankets and make the popcorn while you start the movie, cool?"

"mhm, cool."

chenle wasn't sure if he said cool towards the mini plan jaemin came up with quickly or cool to the way jaemin makes the atmosphere comfortable again. either way both thoughts were cool, but chenle was definitely saying cool to the second thought.

thinking back at it he regrets not saying he missed jaemin as well, because chenle truly did. he missed all of his friends, but especially jaemin who called him constantly and took care of him. he is a beautiful soul, and chenle wishes that everybody had a jaemin in their life. he was just so perfect, and it made sense why everyone loved him.

chenle tapped away on the remote control as he already smelled the buttery scent of popcorn fill the living room. jaemin then dropped off a huge soft blanket on the couch and stood by the microwave until the popcorn was done popping. two beeps were heard and jaemin grabbed the hot popcorn out. he then opened a cabinet, grabbed a huge bowl, and placed the popcorn inside.

the movie was on the screen ready to be played and jaemin waltzed over to his seat next to chenle. the popcorn bowl was placed in between them and chenle started the movie. the blanket was being unfolded and stretched out only to realize it wasn't big enough to cover the empty space between the boys and chenle and jaemin themselves.

they were sat pretty far away from each other and so it made since as to why sharing a blanket wasn't working on their behalf. jaemin tried to magically make it longer, trying all different types of techniques but nothing was working.

"ah... this is embarassing, i thought it would be long enough," jaemin muttered scratching the back of his head, "let me go get another blanket."

chenle threw himself to where jaemin was at and grabbed his arm, pulling him to stay on the couch, "don't, its unnecessary. just scoot closer to me, i-... i don't mind being close.. to you." he awkwardly said, his words sounding choppy.

"it's really fine chenle, there are tons of-"

"i'm serious jaemin," chenle interrupted, "unless you don't want to be close to me."

that was so wrong. so so so wrong. jaemin would love to be close to chenle, and for an hour or two at that? hell, he felt like he was winning the lottery today. he could finally see chenle's face up close and to feel his breath fanning on him, so of course he was going to take this chance.

"no!" jaemin said way too loud for his liking, chenle's eyes widening, "no i just, i'll scoot closer."

chenle tried to keep in his smile and watched as jaemin moved in by his side. their legs were touching at this point and jaemin's arm was so closing to brushing against chenle's. jaemin tried his best to behave and to not burst out into a cheesy lovesick smile. but it was hard when chenle was laughing to himself in the cutest softest sounds. now the air oozed of relief, it was indeed still awkward, but as good as awkward can be.

"it's so funny," chenle mumbled, making jaemin look at him with a confused face, "it's so funny how robotic we are with each other, i think we are the only ones who act this way in the group."

"what do you mean by that," jaemin tried to urge him to continue, but his words came out all wonky.

"you just proved my point hyung," chenle laughed, "i think it's because we are so alike that when we face each other it's like we are facing ourselves in a way. but i think its pretty awesome don't you think?"

"if what you mean by "awesome" is us being so uncoordinated with each other, then i don't think i agree," jaemin joked.

"i don't think of it as uncoordinated, i think we just constantly fluster each other," chenle couldn't stop himself from letting those words slip out.

jaemin smirked, "oh? i fluster you?"

chenle's face turned a bright red and he started waving his hands everywhere, "oh my gosh i didn't mean it like that."

"so if i were to do this," jaemin wrapped his arm around chenle's shoulder pulling him to his chest, "will it make you flustered?"

"hyung.." chenle whined, covering his face with his hands.

"oh so it does i see, i see," jaemin fakes naiveness, "you make me flustered too chenle, so i think you are right."

chenle peeked through his hands which slowly fell off of his face and onto his lap. he looked up at jaemin who had been looking at him all this time, his arms still wrapped around chenle's shoulders. their faces were close, very close that chenle could tell you the details on jaemin's face. and well jaemin? he was already noting every detail on chenle.

the way his dark brown hair poked his eyes, and his dark circles that were made from restless sick nights, his rosy cheeks and nose, his chapped lips that still acquired a reddish natural tint. chenle was beautiful and his eyes were so dark, jaemin couldn't tell you what he was thinking. even if he was this close to him.

"i make you flustered?" chenle whispered.

jaemin's breath hitched and his heart was beating out of his chest. there was tension in the room, but not this bad ugly tension. it was a tension that was filled with excitement, one that jaemin couldn't describe because he had never felt something like this before. and wants to know if chenle is feeling it too.

he wants to know how chenle feels about him in this moment. if he feels excited being this close to jaemin. if he has the urge to just close the distance between them because jaemin feels this urge strongly.

"don't act like you don't know.." jaemin choked on his words.

chenle sucked his in lips and then pursed them out. he didn't know, he never knew he made jaemin flustered. this was his first time hearing such a statement, but it made him feel confident in a way. that he had such an affect on a person like jaemin, a person loved by the world.

"i.." chenle didn't know what to say, he just continued to look at jaemin through his eyelashes.

what could he say at this moment. the both of them seem to be entranced by each other because no one was breaking the eye contact they had going on for a while now. the movie was distantly playing in the background, always there to have someone at least take a peek in that direction. but it almost felt like it would be wrong to look away.

"please chenle, please don't look at me like that," jaemin begged.

"i haven't a clue what you are talking about," chenle quickly answered back, his hand moving to jaemin's, thumb brushing on the top of it.

this wasn't good, jaemin couldn't control himself anymore. he needed to get up and leave, leave before he does something that can ruin their relationship forever, to the point where it can't be fixed. jaemin wasn't in the right mindset, he just needed to leave.

"jaemin.." chenle said quietly.

a sound of glass shattered in the mind of jaemin, and his hand shot up out of chenle's hand and onto his face. he pulled him closer by the chin and connected their lips together. chenle gasped against his mouth and laid frozen.

jaemin felt all of his emotions build up and he backed away before chenle could make a move back, "i'm sorry.. oh my god i'm sorry." he sputtered.

chenle tried to speak but nothing was coming out of his mouth and jaemin felt like he was going to puke his guts out because what the fuck did he just do. he backed away and covered his mouth, his eyes beginning to water and cloud his vision. he let out another sorry and stood up from the couch.

"hyung," chenle rushed, "wait please, i-"

and jaemin was gone, he ran from the living room up to his shared room with jeno. the boy was knocked out on his bed so he didn't hear the sniffles now filling the room. jaemin cried as soundless as he can, his hand not leaving his mouth. tears fell down his cheeks and he laid his head against his pillow.

he ruined everything. he ruined any small chance he had with chenle because he couldn't control his actions. chenle probably hates him now, he probably felt grossed out because jaemin kissed him. he put his lips on him without a warning, the least he could do was ask, but no he did not.

it was out of nowhere that jaemin himself wasn't expecting it. and even after it, even after he felt like chenle hated him, he couldn't help but thinking about how he wanted to do it again. he already misses the warmth of chenle's lips, the feeling of his lips brushing against his own. it was something that he only imagined would happen in his dreams.

and in the end it makes him cry even harder. his heart was broken, like he already got rejected by chenle even though the words didn't come out of his mouth. jaemin thought that the moment was right, and he was proven wrong when chenle was frozen against him. his lips unmoving and his body tensed up.

jaemin felt stupid, he felt so dumb for ever thinking there would be a moment where chenle and him felt mutual longing for each other. he just thought by the way chenle was looking at him and by the way he said his name so softly and carefully, that he wanted the same thing. but jaemin was probably imagining this inside his head, imagining his fantasies were coming to life.

his heart was broken, he had never felt pain like this before. pain where you just can't stop yourself from crying, no matter how much you wipe your tears, no matter if you try and watch funny happy videos, no matter how much you try to not think about it, none of it works. his heart could be heard if you were close enough, and every time it beat, jaemin felt a weird energy surge through his chest.

jaemin's head was pounding and he felt dizzy, like the room was spinning around as if he was drunk. his throat was closing up on him and he tried to hum and cough to clear his airway. and jaemin couldn't remember his last thought before falling asleep, makeup still on his face, his airport clothes still on, and his heart shattered into pieces.

•

jaemin woke up by being shook to oblivion, his eyes barely opening as they were closed shut by eye crusties. he looked at the person who stirred him awake and it was his roommate jeno, his face contorted into a worried espression.

"are you okay? why are are you still in your airport clothes?" jeno bombarded.

jaemin sat up on his bed and rubbed his eyes that felt sensitive and puffy, everything that happened last night hit him like a truck and he hung his head down. he truly didn't want to be alive today and face chenle.

"i'm fine," jaemin bluntly spoke, getting off his bed and collecting fresh new clothes.

jeno followed behind him, "no you are not jaemin. you look like a mess.. and have you been crying? your eyes are bloodshot red and super puffy, you got me worried over here man."

jaemin turned to look at him and tried to hold himself back from crying once again, "look jeno, i just don't want to talk about it alright?" he croaked, leaving the room.

he just needed a nice hot shower, maybe it could help himself from wallowing in the past, but he knew that it wouldn't. usually.. usually jaemin would forget about something like this when it was with chenle. but he crossed the line this time, and you could never forget about something that went overboard.

he just kept replaying chenle's shocked face in his mind and jaemin almost felt traumatized by it. like he really fucked up this time, there was no other way to describe this situation. like what was chenle thinking right now? was he going to ignore jaemin again like the old times? i mean jaemin wouldn't be surprised. he actually preferred if that happened.

jaemin took his shower and quickly exited the bathroom, walking himself downstairs where everyone else was scattered around. some watching tv whilst others were eating breakfast at the table. jaemin went to the kitchen, avoiding any contact, his eyes just looking at the floor and only looking when he gathered his plate to eat.

"compliment the chef before you eat," renjun tried to lighten the mood.

"thanks," jaemin barely uttered out.

everyone can tell there was something wrong with him. jaemin was usually so energized in the morning, ready to start making jokes and playing around with everyone. but today was different, he was gloomy and his energy was drained, his face showed that he was on the verge of tears.

"goodmorning," voice groggily said.

"finally the sleepyhead is here to join us," donghyuck exclaimed.

"sorry, just stayed up last night," chenle responded, walking to the kitchen and grabbing his plate of food, "thanks ge."

renjun nodded his head in acknowledgement and chenle sat at the closest empty chair. which happened to be right next to jaemin, the man that kissed him last night so unexpectedly. chenle didn't know what to think about it, but one thing he could say was that he wasn't mad about it. he just didn't know why jaemin did it, and he wanted to get those answers.

"can we talk hyung," chenle whispered to jaemin.

jaemin flinched and his bottom lip began to quiver. no, he didn't want to talk. he didn't want to hear chenle officially reject him. why did chenle want to bring it up anyways, what happened to the chenle who never approached people.

jaemin wished that chenle would just stay away from him like he always does, he just wanted to continue loving chenle without getting hurt. he couldn't handle rejection jaemin is realizing, if he couldn't handle the way chenle didn't kiss him back then it proves he is too weak to handle anything else.

"no chenle," jaemin could barely talk, "no we can't, just please stay away from me."

chenle's heart ached, "you don't mean that."

he doesn't, jaemin really doesn't, "i do... and i liked it better when we weren't close, so let's just go back to being that way." was all he said before getting up and throwing his dish in the sink.

jaemin heard nothing but a ringing sound echoing in his ear. what he just told chenle was something that he would never forgive himself for. he swore he didn't mean it, god he was madly in love with chenle of course he didn't mean it. but if it meant preserving his feelings, protecting himself from rejection, then so be it.

he didn't hear chenle calling out for him or the way the other members tried to capture his attention as well. jaemin didn't want to hear it anyways, it would've made him rupture in front of everyone and they would probably be ashamed.

jaemin just didn't want to be in the way of chenle anymore. he was disturbing his inner peace, bringing unnecessary feelings into his life when he doesn't even know what chenle might be going through. yet chenle was holding his heart in his hands, squeezing it apart unintentionally. chenle didn't know he had something fragile in his grasp.

jaemin would take everything back if he could. from the moment his locked eyes on chenle, to the basketball incident, and to when he kissed him on the lips. because he was hurting badly when he didn't deserve to be.

he locked himself inside his room, blasting music so he wouldn't hear anybody who tried to speak with him. he grabbed his camera, turning it on, and looked through the photo album. he always did this when something happened with chenle. he would look back to the first ever pictures he took of him and just launch back into that time.

that time when he didn't know what love was. when he thought that chenle was the most perfect human being ever and the best group member he could ask for. when he innocently stared through his lens thinking that chenle was always photogenic. back when he could read him, and tell his story.

and as he looked through the most recent ones, chenle's smile became smaller and smaller. his story was wired into a different direction that jaemin will continue to say over and over again that he couldn't and no one couldn't tell what chenle was feeling. so mysterious, yet so addicting to look at.

if only jaemin didn't mess up what they had, they could be civil. best friends possibly, and the thought made jaemin throw his camera to the end of the bed. his bad luck must be on a high this weekend because his camera rolled further and hit the right bed post with force. jaemin heard the glass shatter and shards of it scattered on his bed and onto the floor.

he reached his hand to one of the pieces and when the tip of his finger touched the glass shard it pricked it. jaemin winced and realized that there were smaller microscopic pieces that cut his finger. the blood built up on the pad of his index finger and slowly rolled down the length. his blood was dark and dull, and it contrasted with the shiny bright glass shard stuck in his finger.

jaemin then looked back at his camera and saw that the component where his memory card was, was open and the card was missing. his face ran cold and he stood up on his feet, trying to carefully push the broken glass around to find the memory card. he didn't care that it was indeed in his room and that he could just pick up the glass and find it later, he didn't care because he wanted to find it now.

it was so important to him, this memory card had been with him for years. it shouldn't be buried in crystal glass, it should be safe and secure inside the camera even if it was broken. jaemin cried as he felt his hands get pricked continuously, but maybe he deserved the pain. when he brushed the floor once again he found a familiar black memory card, picking it up and blowing onto it.

intensely observing the card to see if there were any scratches and he was in the clear as there were none. jaemin then grabbed his camera and placed the card inside of it, placing it onto his desk. as for the glass everywhere, jaemin grabbed a dustpan in his closet and swept it up, trying his best to take the glass off of his blankets as well.

and he did the best he could, the glass will eventually all be gone as the days go by anyways. as for his hands, they were bleeding slightly in a whole bunch of places. he cut himself quite a lot  by rubbing his hands through the shards. jaemin quickly went to the bathroom and washed them, wincing as the soap stung badly. but nothing compared to the way chenle stung him that night.

chenle. chenle. chenle.

that was all jaemin could think about, even when he was wallowing in real physical pain.

•

it has been a couple of weeks since jaemin told chenle to leave him alone, to basically never interact with him again. chenle was reluctant at first, he tried to speak to jaemin, spammed him with messages, and even tried to unlock jaemin's door. he just wanted to talk, something that they never ever do.

but jaemin would never answer, he would play up their friendship for the cameras, but other than that nothing. it's not like he lost feelings or anything, they were still strong as ever, but he was trying his best to get rid of them. and it helped when chenle stopped trying to fix things, then it was back to how it had always been.

quiet, no interactions whatsoever, jaemin just admiring chenle from a distance. taking pictures of him when he felt like it was necessary to capture his essence. his lens was new and so the quality was far better this time around, jaemin hit himself for not buying a new lens sooner.

they were at that original zero they started with. like they were complete strangers who only ever knew each others names. jaemin wants to say that he is satisfied, this is what he said he wanted, he should be satisfied. but he wasn't he was still hurt, still broken. every time he saw chenle he would have the urge to just say 'i love you', this urge just felt like bile that was stuck in his throat and wouldn't go down or come out.

it was just stuck, just like chenle and jaemin's relationship. and jaemin guessed that it all made sense, but did it really? chenle himself even voiced out how they are so alike and how they are so compatible, so why was it never working out between them. jaemin prayed everyday that something would happen, and when it did it wasn't mutual.

yet when he thinks about how they are compatible, jaemin can't help but think about if chenle wants to see him. if he wants to reach out to him once more, because jaemin is thinking this constantly. but how many more times can jaemin reach out and be denied before he just can't take it anymore.

"you're zoning out again jaem," jeno sighed.

"i'm sorry."

it seemed like sorry was jaemin's new phrase because he felt like he'd been apologizing to everyone recently. he just didn't know what else to tell them because how was he supposed to say 'the reason i am acting this way is because i am in love with chenle and when i kissed him he backed away and now we aren't talking again'.

"enough with the sorry, come on eat the pizza it's super freaking good." jeno chippered, handing jaemin a slice, "i'm surprised you actually came out to eat with me today, i got so used to you rejecting me."

"how do you even get used to rejection?" jaemin muttered.

"what was that?" jeno asked, moving in closer.

"nothing," jaemin whispered, "lets leave after i'm done with this.", jeno gave him a thumbs up.

•

chenle spent most of his time alone, it wasn't anything that wasn't normal. but this time around he spent time alone so he could build his confidence to confront jaemin. he hasn't given up on him yet, he wanted to speak with him, because his heart had been aching for too long now. and no one makes chenle this way and gets away with it.

during the few weeks of them not talking, chenle had been in his room talking to his mirror. rehearsing what he was going to say over and over again so that it was drilled into his memory and so he wouldn't forget any specific words he wanted to include.

and he felt like it was time, time to finally put his rehearsals to play. so chenle walked over to jaemin's room and knocked on his door, no answer. and so he knocked it again, and then three times, but still no answer. and so chenle put his hand on the doorknob twisting it and letting out a gasp when the door actually pushed open since jaemin always had it locked.

"hyung?" chenle called out as he walked further into the room. looking at whatever he can find to see if jaemin was actually in here or not.

he didn't see jaemin's phone anywhere so he concluded that he had gone out with someone or by himself. chenle huffed a breath out in frustration, and plopped himself uninvitingly on jaemin's bed. just looking around his room and taking in the vibe and aura. when he looked down at the bed he was sitting on, he saw shiny specks on the corner, chenle investigated closely and classified it as glass.

he frowned deeply and then stood up, walking over to his desk that had his camera laying on top of it. chenle looked at the lens and it was perfectly fine, no scratch seen in sight. shrugging his shoulders, he continued to look around on the desk. he was being quite nosy, but he swore he was going to leave in a few seconds.

that was until he caught this small book which was labeled as 'CL', it contained two of the letters in his name which made him more curious of what was inside of it. chenle struggled back and forth with his morals on whether he should snoop and see what it was about, or just simply leave it there.

and chenle could always apologize his way through things, but he can never live with curiosity running through his system. so he grabbed the black book and sat back down on the bed with it in his hands. he caressed the hard cover and turned it to it's side seeing that there was a lock holding it shut.

chenle tried multiple combinations on it; one being jaemin's birthday, the day he joined the company, and when the group debuted. but none of it worked, and chenle was just going to give up and never know what was inside but he decided to try one more combination.

he put the numbers of his birthday and once he locked in the last number he heard a click. his birthday was the combination to jaemin's book. he let out a heavy sigh and swallowed down the nervousness he was feeling. he opened the book slowly and the first page said 'to you'.

chenle flipped the page again and his eyes widened when he made eye contact with a picture of himself in pre-debut. underneath was the words written 'when i first met you', chenle quickly realized that this book was about him. but he didn't want to jump to conclusions, maybe jaemin had a book for everyone.

so he continued to flip through the pages, seeing the way this book portrayed him growing with the small captions saying something meaningful and signed with the date. all captions were friendly, sweet, innocent, and chenle melted at some of the words jaemin wrote. ones saying he is 'pretty', 'alluring', 'beautiful', and he stalled at the caption that said 'what is going through your mind, i need to know'. this was signed with the date of the basketball incident.

"you were," chenle mumbled to himself, brushing his fingers over the letters beneath the photo.

chenle flipped the page again and saw another picture of him during the day of basketball, he was on the bench this time. his face being cradled by his hands and underneath the photo it read; "the day i realized i love you". chenle's throat dried up and his hands began to shake, jaemin loved him?

he flipped the page once more and it was the last photo of the book, it was of chenle sitting on the couch putting on the movie for them to watch. the caption underneath read; "i still love you, i loved you since the 'we young' era.. crazy right? love me back before i get hurt.".

chenle's eyes burned, he was tearing up before he noticed, and he closed the book and locked it up. jaemin has been carrying these feeling with him for so long, getting hurt here and there, and chenle felt like a monster. he never dared to ask how he felt, and what he did that night at the movie was so wrong, so vile.

jaemin deserved so much better, and chenle feels like its too late for him to make all this lost time up. he held the book close to his chest and just let the pain stab at his heart. chenle was never good at feelings, but now he could label the weird feeling he felt with jaemin.

chenle liked him, he liked him so much and the realization hit him extremely hard.

he didn't think it was love just yet, it is too soon for him to label this as love. but there was romantic mutual feelings back. chenle just thought of all the times he rejected jaemin, and all those times were because he was scared of how he felt. scared of what might happen if he let these feelings progress.

and the night jaemin kissed him, he wanted to kiss him back so badly like it was the end of the world, but he was shocked as to why jaemin did it. but it all makes sense now, everything is coming together.

from the day jaemin loved him, to the day he realized it, from the day chenle gained feelings for him, to the day that he realized it. chenle held himself back from crying at this realization.

"chenle?" jaemin questioned, hesistantly stepping in the room.

chenle snapped his head up and dropped the book, running towards jaemin and throwing himself in his arms, "where were you? why didn't you tell me anything, jaemin why?" his voice broke.

jaemin looked at him stunned and saw his photobook for chenle laying on the ground, he found out.

"you never told me that you loved me, why would you hide something like this from me. this isn't something you can just push aside and never tell until i find out myself. jaemin it hurt, you being away from me and telling me to stay away from you. please i'm begging you to never do that again. i like you jaemin i-." chenle babbled out.

jaemin frowned and looked offended, he held chenle by the shoulders and pushed him away, "chenle you can't just say something like that. you find out that i'm in love with you and you are just going to say you like me out of pity? and i have been trying to tell you for a long time now, but it's kind of hard when you say absolutely nothing and just reject me before i can even express how i feel."

"i never intended to reject you hyung, i just don't know how to cope with how i feel. everytime i'm with you i feel weird, my body feels weird."

"not this again, chenle i already feel shitty enough-"

"listen to me!" chenle pleaded, "i felt weird because i always felt nervous around you. like i had butterflies in my stomach and i felt weak and vulnerable. i didn't know until now that it was because i like you and that's why i felt the way i did." he took a sharp intake, "and the night you kissed me, i didn't know your feelings towards me, i was trying to understand and thats why i froze. i would do anything to repeat that night so i can return the kiss back to you jaemin i swear."

jaemin paused and took in chenle's expression. that mysterious hard to read person was gone. chenle was an open book and jaemin was finally understanding everything he wanted to. chenle liked him, yes he didn't love him back, but this was a start. a start that jaemin is willing to accept.

"i believe you," jaemin teared up, "you don't know how long i've been waiting for you to feel the same for me chenle i-."

"since 'we young' era i know and i am sorry for putting you through so much pain," chenle reached out putting his hand on jaemin's cheek, "i like you jaemin."

jaemin wasn't scared anymore, he pulled chenle in and attached his lips to his. their lips moving in synchronization, chenle humming against them as jaemin's salty tears dripped in between their mouths. this proved how much they meant to each other, how much they trusted each other.

and jaemin could finally add another page to his book; "the day you said you liked me".

•

"jaem smile!" chenle exclaimed, pointing the camera to a crying jaemin.

jaemin tried his best to do as he was told and chenle took the picture and soon enough printed the picture out and laminated it. sticking it into the photobook and writing a caption beneath it; "the day i fell harder and said i love you".