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The distant sound from the television became the reason why Max woke up everyday in the morning. That and the awful nightmares that had kept her company every night. It had been weeks since she had gotten a peaceful, fulfilling, dreamless sleep, and one that didn’t cause her to take a painkiller every morning.
And like every other day, just like it had been for the past few weeks, she found her mother passed out on the couch, beer cans lying on the floor and cigarette butts on the ashtray. She could feel dread building up in her at the sight but she kept her mouth shut and started gathering the trash.
Suddenly, she saw her mother stirring in her sleep, making sounds until she could hear it clearly. “Max, baby? Are you leaving for school?”
Max didn’t feel like replying to her. If she had to utter a word from her mouth now, she felt that she would fall onto the floor. Her energy was already drained and it was just 6:30 in the morning. But despite herself, she spoke. “I’ll be leaving in a while.”
“I had bought some sandwiches last night, there’s some left in the fridge. You should take it to school, honey.”
“Alright mom,” she replied, gathering up every last bit of trash that was needed to be thrown, because she had forgotten to do it the previous night.
This had become the routine for her now. Barely sleeping, barely making to school on time and barely eating anything at all. And she wasn’t sure when it had become like this, but it was probably after Billy’s dad had left.
Moving to the trailer park wasn’t easy and it was the last place Max had imagined they would live in. But the house at Cherry Lane wasn’t theirs and with the landlords increasing their rent, it had become impossible for her mom to manage it on her own.
Her mom got up, sitting right up on the couch. “Max, leave it. Go get ready for school, I’ll clean up.”
Usually, she would have argued with her mother about cleaning it up herself. Why shouldn’t she, after all she had begun doing the work. Might as well finish it herself, right? But today, she was going to get really late for her first class. And she didn’t want to give her math teacher another reason to scold her or threaten to send her to the principal’s office. Something that many teachers were fond of doing, she had realised, now that they were in high school.
And so, she went to get ready.
By the time Max had reached school, the hallways were empty. Seemingly everyone was in class. Thankfully, she got to enter inside before the teacher could make an appearance and she went and sat down in her seat, which was right next to Mike’s. He usually had nothing to say, just a general acknowledgement of her presence, few words getting exchanged between them, asking about what the teacher had said in class in case he hadn’t been paying attention.
But today, when she caught a glimpse of him as she entered class, there was an expression on his face. And she knew that he had something to tell her. Although she couldn’t think of what could be so important that he was willingly in the mood to talk to her.
These days, especially since the Byers had moved, Mike had been really quiet and isolated. Sure, she saw him hanging around Dustin and Lucas whenever she was in school, but there was a distant look always there on his face. As though he wasn’t really present, probably lost in the thoughts of something else. She presumed it was actually a someone.
A small part of her felt for him, since she knew, at least thought that she knew, that he was probably missing El. And Will of course. Or it was probably both of them. After all, Will and him had been best friends long before El had come into his life.
And Max could understand. She missed El, too. She missed El a lot. She missed everyone in the Party. Two members were away in California, while everyone else was still here, and she even saw them every day in school. And yet she missed them.
She felt like a ghost. Physically there, but as if no one could really see her. Truth be told, she couldn’t see herself either. Or the version that she did see of herself, felt unrecognizable to her. Every day, looking into the mirror made her realize that the deep feeling of sadness and regret that loomed over her was making a physical appearance on her face.
But she didn’t know what to do with it. She didn’t know if there was anything that she could have done. Other than staying away from the Party.
“Max, where were you last night? Lucas told me you were going to come for the movie night,” she heard Mike say. It was surprising to hear concern in his tone, since their only way of communicating otherwise with each other was by arguing and making fun of each other.
Although those days were long gone. It had been ages since she had properly conversed with Mike. She still felt nice that he was kind enough to ask, even though she didn’t want to admit it. Nor the fact that she felt guilty about knowingly avoiding their plans the previous night.
“I was busy. I had some assignments to complete,” she lied.
It felt as though Mike could see right through her lie, but refrained from pointing it out. “You could have come over and done your assignments with us. It isn’t like we have all had any free time to hang out, anyway,” he told her, pointing out the very obvious truth.
School was indeed keeping everyone busy.
And even though Max wanted to retort, to say, ‘As if you little shitheads would let me do my work in peace with the amount of noise you make,’ her tongue, her mind was holding her back. And Mike took her silence as the answer.
“Lucas has been looking all over for you. Why don’t you talk to him?”
“What’s it to you, Wheeler?” she felt agitated. Defiant, even. She didn’t like that he was asking so many questions.
Mike opened his mouth, shut it, and then opened it again. “I am not trying to get you to tell me anything. Just thought you should know that your boyfriend has been worried sick about you and eating our heads off about it. Talk to him, at least then he will probably settle down a little.”
Before she could have said anything back, the teacher entered the classroom, the noise from everyone talking, reducing. She glanced at Mike but his attention was elsewhere, getting out his notebook and writing something down and so, she decided to leave it.
But his words kept ringing in her head. Your boyfriend has been worried sick about you.
As nice as it was to know that Lucas cared, she felt nothing but overwhelmed at the thought of talking to him anymore.
She knew that she was being unnecessarily mean to him by ignoring him at school, cutting short their conversations whenever he tried to call their landline, or the fact that she had completely switched off her radio, so that she wouldn’t have to hear the Party talk on their channel.
But she didn’t have it in her to face him. She was too angry, too bitter, too sad and too hateful to let him near her again. And after the last couple of times of blowing up at him, she thought distancing herself from him was better than getting angry at him.
Because he wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was just being a good friend, a good boyfriend too, by trying to ask her about why she had become so quiet suddenly. About why it looked like she hadn’t been getting proper sleep and if she was okay. That she could talk to him, that she should join him, Mike and Dustin after school at his house for some time.
“Maybe being alone at the trailer every day might get boring for you, you should come over to my house then,” she had remembered him telling her, the day they met outside, near the arcade, when she was telling him that her and mom had to move from Cherry Lane. Max had nodded her head with a tight smile, saying nothing further on it, as a response.
But after she moved, she never went to his house. She slowly stopped hanging out with him at the arcade. He would keep calling her landline once in a while but she started making excuses to not continue talking to him.
If anything, she was being a bad friend, a bad girlfriend to Lucas. Something she was well aware of but there were only so many things in the world whose guilt she could carry on her shoulders.
Classes passed through her day quickly, the break was there just like it had always been, and she spent it alone, in the washroom, because she didn’t have the heart to go and see Lucas, who was definitely going to be present in the cafeteria.
She decided to head to her next class, since anyway she had nothing else to do other than wait. Might as well wait in the classroom, she thought.
When she went to grab her books from the locker, a piece of paper fell out, and she picked it up.
Can you meet me at the gym after school? I’ll be waiting for you – Lucas
She crumpled it up, shut her locker and walked off to class. As she was walking to the class, she bumped into none other than the person himself she was trying to avoid. Lucas. He was talking to one of the guys from the basketball team. Which she found a little odd, at first. But it didn’t occupy her mind as much, since she had other things to think about.
He seemed a little taken aback at seeing her. But then he smiled, a small smile. A kind smile. With hope in his eyes. At least, that’s what she thought it looked like.
She felt like she was undeserving of him. He was being so patient, so nice. Still waiting, still not giving up. And she was treating him like he was scum on earth.
“Max, hey! Did you get my note?” he asked, expectantly waiting for her to reply.
“Uh, yeah. What is it? Why did you want to talk to me after school?” she asked.
“No, it’s nothing, I just—you never came yesterday,” he said, following her as she started walking through the hall. She had anticipated him bringing up the movie night.
“Yeah, I was busy.”
“Is everything okay, Max? This is the fourth time you’re cancelling on us.”
“Lucas, everything is fine. I told you; I was busy.”
“With assignments?”
“Yeah, with assignments. I’m assuming Mike told you,” she said sarcastically, as they reached the classroom.
She turned around to face him. “Look, class will start soon. We’ll talk later.” And as if she foresaw few minutes into the future, the bell rang, indicating that the break was over.
Lucas pursed his lips, as though holding back from saying something. He looked disappointed, hurt even. And a part of Max could feel her heart breaking at knowing that she was the cause for it.
“Please meet me, after. I really wanted to talk about something. Don’t leave before meeting me,” he told her, the pleading tone making her feel guilty whilst simultaneously angering her. It felt as though he was begging her to do him a favour. And it annoyed her.
She felt so angry at him. She felt angry at everything and everyone.
“Okay, Lucas,” she sighed tiredly. “Please, now go. You’ll get late for class.”
But he didn’t say a word. Just turned around exhaling, and walked away from her. She felt relieved, yet for reasons unknown, her heart hurt. Everything hurt. It was getting unbearable to deal with this. Their crumbling relationship, non-existent friendship.
Because friends told each other everything. But she couldn’t tell Lucas anything. She had so much to say, and at the same time, absolutely nothing. Because talking was a mistake. Letting her tongue run free only meant doing more damage. And she couldn’t afford to do that anymore.
It was damaging not only to the person in front of her, but to herself. She couldn’t let another soul know, about what kept her up at night. About the thoughts that haunted her mind every single waking hour. It was the hardest when she was only in the company of herself. And she would never admit it out loud to anyone.
As if her sharp personality and hurtful words weren’t enough to keep people at bay. She didn’t want to give people a reason to think that she was a psychopath. Deranged. And it would only lead someone like Lucas to smother her even more.
The rest half of the day went by as quickly as the first half did. Max found herself contemplating whether she should have gone to meet Lucas. But standing him up, again? After the way he practically begged her to come and see him. Not a chance. She had to get this over with now itself.
The hallways were crowded, with people heading out back home. She could hear loud chatter from some of the seniors who were talking about going out to Lover’s Lake. They were probably going to go make out there and do other gross stuff. She’d rather had not think about it.
Pacing her way across the hall, she found herself opening the door to the gymnasium. It was empty today, unlike the other days when the basketball team would be practicing. Maybe practice was off today.
She did remember seeing Jason, the captain of the team outside.
Why did she care anyway?
As she walked in, she could hear tapping of someone’s foot from the bleachers. When she turned around to look, she saw Lucas sitting, concentratedly staring at something far off in front of him, his hands clasped together and his feet shaking. He seemed anxious? Worried? Max couldn’t tell. She cleared her throat, and Lucas paused.
As she watched him turn his head her way, she observed that there was a look of relief at the sight of her. Unfortunately for her, she did not share in his feelings of relief. She wanted to leave. She wanted to go back home and listen to music. Sleep.
Music was the only thing that kept her on the edge from crossing over to insanity.
“Hi, you came.” She heard him say, as he got up.
She made her way towards him, up the bleachers and sat beside him. Still maintaining some semblance of a distance between them. It had been a while since they had sat beside each other like this. She could tell that her heart was aching from how much she missed being in close proximity to him.
But now was not the time to grieve her own unwillingness to be close to him.
“Yeah, I did,” she said, monotony hiding her true feelings.
Lucas smiled. Again, a small smile. From the way he was seated, his body half turned to look at her, she could notice that he was glad to see her. She didn’t know how to feel about that anymore.
“How was class? I heard that you have been given a shit ton of homework from Mrs. Bradley,” Lucas said, his tone slightly awkward. But he was trying his best to make conversation with Max.
“Yeah, she did. Lots of analysis work. And a creative writing prompt. I have to submit it on Friday.”
Lucas nodded. Max wondered why he had called her here. Why was she even sitting here? To make small talk with Lucas? When had they come to this? This was painful to go through.
“You know, I haven’t told this to anyone but I think I am planning on trying out for the basketball team, I am really nervous but—”
“Lucas, why did you call me here?” Max jumped straight to the point. Her patience was running thin.
“I just wanted to talk to you,” he explained, his expression on the verge of morphing into a helpless one.
“About what?”
“Just you. Like we haven’t met up in ages. I just wanted to see how you were doing,” he told her.
“Why are you being so nosy?” she asked, suddenly unable to control her irritation anymore. Why did he want to know how she was doing? What was he going to do knowing anyway?
“I—I’m not being nosy, Max! You’re my friend, I wanted to talk to you!” he exclaimed, pulling away a little. He seemed to be agitated too.
Max paused. She didn’t know what to say.
“In fact, you’re my girlfriend. I mean I hope you are. But it feels like we aren’t even on the same page about anything, anymore. And I don’t understand it.”
“Don’t understand what?”
“Why are you avoiding me?”
“I am not avoiding you, Lucas. I am just busy,” she lied.
“I don’t buy that, Max.” He sounded defiant.
“Lucas, please! Stop this.” She moved away too, now properly staring at him, looking into his eyes pleadingly.
Stop it, leave me alone. You’re better off not knowing what is going on with me. You’re better off without me in your life. Stop making this harder than it already is.
Lucas looked defeated, but it didn’t stop him from continuing. “Something has been up ever since you told me that you were moving away. At first, I thought it was just because you were sad to move into the trailer park. Which I’d totally understand. But now—”
“Oh yeah? You would understand? Do you understand, Lucas? It’s so annoying to hear you assume stuff about what’s going on when you don’t know shit,” Max said angrily.
She got up, ready to leave. She couldn’t bear to sit here anymore.
“Then tell me! I am right here! Make me understand, Max,” Lucas said, his voice loud, but tone softening. Although she could hear that he was struggling too. Struggling to understand why Max was being this way.
He was standing up too now, but she was turned away from him.
“There’s nothing to tell you, Lucas. There’s nothing to say to anyone,” Max said, tired. She could feel her throat thickening, a lump forming. Tears forming in the corner of her eyes.
“Why?” Lucas asked, his voice cracking.
Max turned around to look at him. He had a pained expression on his face.
“What?” she sniffed; her voice thick.
“Why do you keep pushing me away? Did I say something wrong? Are you angry at me? You know you can just tell me if I made a mistake, right?”
Max blinked hard, trying to inhale deeply and control her tears from spilling. Though one tear did slide down her cheek.
“Well, I’ll tell you now, you are making a mistake,” she started. Lucas’s lips parted. He looked confused.
“Stop trying to fix this. You did nothing wrong, okay? You just need to leave me alone. Please, I’m begging you,” she finished.
Lucas shook his head. “I’m used to you breaking up with me and then fixing things up again. This has to be another stupid mistake I made, right?” His eyes were glistening too.
Max sucked in a breath. “Aren’t you listening to me? You did nothing wrong. Leave me alone, Lucas!” she cried.
And with that, she hastily got off the bleachers and started walking away fast. If she had to spend one more minute, trying to convince Lucas to leave her be—well, she probably couldn’t have done it.
This was mortifyingly, the most painful thing she had ever done. But it was for the best. For Lucas’s and her own. And maybe Max was deserving of this pain. Because she was a terrible person, hurting everyone who was crossing her path. There was nothing that anyone could have done to help her. It was her punishment and she could do nothing but bear it, if she would have even been able to make it out alive from this hellhole.