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Hiiro Amagi was a strange boy.
No matter how many times Aira snapped at him or pushed him away, Hiiro always came back with the same enthusiasm, with that big smile that reached all the way up to his eyes and tinged his freckled cheeks pink. In the months that they had been friends, not once did Hiiro look at Aira with contempt or disappointment. It was never anything but pure affection.
And it broke Aira’s heart.
Even today, when Hiiro had wordlessly climbed into Aira’s bed, wrapping his arms tight around Aira’s waist and burying his face into his chest like it was nothing. It must have been a tough day for him - Aira opened his mouth to ask him what happened, but anything he could have thought to say caught in his throat. The other boy had closed his eyes immediately, not seeking conversation.
Aira sighed. There were occasional days when Hiiro would completely run out of energy like this. Considering his near-superhuman amount of stamina, it had to have been a particularly grueling day for him; with that in mind, Aira did his best to maneuver the two of them into a more comfortable lying position, trying to move Hiiro as little as possible before flicking off the light switch.
Words would be futile at the moment, so instead, Aira settled for pulling the blanket over their shoulders and gently patting Hiiro’s hair, lifting his other arm to rest his hand on the boy's upper back. After all, Aira knew that Hiiro had always found great comfort in physical affection, especially when it came from him. He could feel Hiiro’s soft puffs of breath against his skin - it was comforting, but it also reminded him of just how close they were at the moment, and heat rushed to his face.
Come on, Aira! he silently scolded himself. It’s not like this is the first time he’s done something like this…!
Desperately trying to hide his nervousness, he took a deep breath, praying that Hiiro couldn’t hear his heart pounding as loudly as he could. Casting a nervous glance down at the other boy, he was relieved to see his eyes were still shut. His face was still pressed against Aira's chest, with his cheek squished to the side. Part of his bangs had fallen over his eyebrows, and a small tuft of hair repeatedly rose up and down, blown upwards by his exhales. Aira giggled quietly beside himself. How cute.
Willing himself to settle into a calm rhythm, he methodically moved his fingers up and down the back of Hiiro’s hair to match the subtle rise and fall of his chest. Gradually, Hiiro’s breath slowed and his body went limp, and Aira’s heartbeat faded into the quiet hum of the dorm’s air conditioning. He really was so close; Aira could smell the familiar scent of the shampoo that they shared, along with a tinge of Hiiro’s own warm scent.
He waited for a certain period of time before looking down once more, confirming that Hiiro was indeed asleep. He brought down both of his arms to rest comfortably around his waist and drew in a deep breath. With no need to spend energy on speaking or listening to anyone, he now had time and space to think, for better or worse. So, like many nights before, he let his gaze fall on the wood at the bottom of Hiiro’s bunk and let his mind wander.
The past few weeks had been strange. Nothing had notably changed with ALKALOID’s work schedule, nor had school been any less boring, but his mind had been tossing and turning with thoughts about the usual culprit: none other than Hiiro himself. Even more frequently than before, no matter how much Aira tried to distract himself, every brief pocket of silence was spent thinking about him. And in every one of those pockets of silence, something more was there, tucked in the back of his mind and ripping him apart from the inside.
Something that felt a little bit like guilt.
Rather than a specific moment, it stemmed more from an accumulation of small events from the past few months - times when Aira would say just a little too much or fall just a little short of what Hiiro needed. Aira silently berated himself with every new memory he recalled. Remembering one instance led Aira to remember another, and another, and it began to build up in a swirling haze behind his eyes. He squeezed them shut in hopes of clearing it before his emotions could spill over in all of their messy, ugly glory.
Even still, he wasn’t quite sure what exactly had prompted him to act even weirder around Hiiro than usual. Perhaps it was the changing seasons, with winter settling in and bringing back out with it those throbs of pain and longing that he had squashed under the warm weather.
His heart was racing again. It pounded painfully against his ribcage, as if it was longing to jump out.
“I…” Aira whispered into the empty space with a trembling voice, hugging his arms tighter around Hiiro’s waist.
“I really don’t deserve you, you know?”
He let the words hang in the air for a few short moments, letting them sink into reality, before glancing back down at the boy in his arms. He hadn’t moved one bit.
Aira’s heart sank, perhaps with a slightly misplaced smudge of hope that Hiiro would have woken up and heard what he said, would finally realize how unfairly Aira had treated him during the past few months - no, ever since they met. Even that night in the gardens… all Aira had been able to do for him was say a few words to ground him back to reality and carry him back to the dorms. Aira always felt that all he could manage to do was the bare minimum, and that night was no exception - especially since he had only done such a thing when Hiiro was clinging to him so desperately like that.
The image of Hiiro’s bright smile once again popped into Aira’s mind, and the pit in his chest grew even deeper. He could probably understand what Aira meant, but would he even care? Would he simply try to convince Aira otherwise, that he would love Aira no matter what he did or said?
It was all so unfair. Tears pricked on the edges of Aira’s eyes; he hastily wiped them away with one hand before they could spill. How could Hiiro place so much trust, so much love in him when all he’s ever done is push him away, time and time again?
Another brief period of silence passed before Aira felt Hiiro shift in his arms, moving his head to fit snugly into the crane of Aira’s neck. Aira’s heart squeezed painfully at the gesture. There he was, the same old Hiro-kun, taking things at his own pace while completely oblivious to what was happening around him. His cheek was now pressing into Aira’s collarbone, and Aira could feel the warmth of his body even closer than before.
The pit in his chest had begun to fade into a dull ache. Once again, he focused his gaze on staring into the bottom of Hiiro’s bunk. He must have bored holes in it by now.
Even though this was far from the first time Hiiro had asked to sleep in Aira’s bed, his heart still pounded with the same intensity, mind still raced with a thousand thoughts at once. He breathed a weary sigh, wondering if he could ever get used to how comfortable Hiiro was with something so intimate, something typically reserved for lovers, not… whatever they were.
Despite how much Aira’s mind longed to keep going, to keep thinking, he could feel his eyelids growing heavy at last. Finally letting himself relax completely, he let his head droop to the side to press his cheek into Hiiro's hair - he was so warm, like always, despite everything.
As he closed his eyes for the final time, he hoped that the turbulent waves in his mind would somehow fade into a gentle roar and lull him to sleep.