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Sung Hanbin is never wrong.
That's a fact. Matthew had never seen him be wrong about anything. So obviously, when Hanbin convinced him to join the survival show and held his hands promising him that they would debut together, he wholeheartedly trusted him.
But Matthew thinks Sung Hanbin might be wrong this time.
Everything was just getting worse and worse with each day, with each elimination, with each pitiful glance sent his way. Everyone knew what was going on outside the camp, the continuous allegations, the scorn, the hate he was continuously on the receiving end for.
He was excited about being chosen as the killing part for Jelly Pop by the trainees and worked as hard as possible to perfect each one of his moves even though he had no confidence to be chosen by the star creators. A tiny part of him hoped, a small wish. A tiny, selfish part of him hoped that the star creators had not given up on him, that they had seen his hardwork and were not fooled by the rumors.
But then it all came crashing down the day the killing part was announced, Zhang Hao was selected not him.
Hao hyung deserves it, he comforted himself.
You were not good enough , the voice in the back of his mind reminded You will never be.
The disappointment he felt in himself and the fear of losing the only chance he had came in waves and washed him down every time he tried to stand again.
Zhang Hao apologized to him several times even though he did not need to, like the sweet man he is. Matthew smiled as always, assuring him he was fine.
Lies. He was not fine.
Matthew was beginning to get hopeless, he and Hanbin promised that they would debut together, he no longer believed he could keep that promise. He cries himself to sleep the next day, but after that he simply does not have the energy to. He put on his smile and friendly demeanor, only a few trainees notice the lack of the shine in his eyes.
Him and Hanbin drifted apart as time went by, settling easily into different friend groups making him question all those years of friendship they had built up. Staring into the blank roof of their dorm room is the only comfort he had left now.
Earlier that day, Keita had come to him with arms filled with snacks and a smile, holding him tight within his arms as he sobbed wordlessly, whispering words of affirmations in his ears. But when he was done crying and Keita had left, he was still empty, hopeless, staring at the roof above his bed again.
He felt lonely, he had joined as a bright trainee looking forward to debut with his Hanbin hyung, now he was left alone, away from his family, away from his friends, not even Hanbin by his side.
They used to be each other's sole source of comfort– a safe haven, in that small room where they lived together, pouring their blood sweat and tears into their craft hoping to debut, they were each other's safe place when they left cube to go on their separate paths, they were each other's comfort when they decided to join boy's planet in hopes of debuting together.
Now, Hanbin had Hao to go to every time he ran into a problem or felt distressed, Matthew was not needed, he was not enough . He never was.
Thumbing the ring on his pinky for comfort, Matthew got out of his bed and room quietly so as to not disturb the other trainees sleeping, though he was sure no one would wake up to any sound after a physically draining day of practice.
Only when the cold air hit his face, he realized the tears staining his face. He sat down on the cold pavement, near some bushes, shutting his eyes and letting the tears flow. There was still a few more hours until cameras will be set up again outside. He had time to think, to feel.
He let the tears flow, not bothering to wipe them off. Let himself be sad without feeling guilty that each of the trainees were in a similar position, without feeling selfish when he felt miserable. He drowned out all external sounds, hugging himself as tears rolled down his cheeks and stained the cold concrete pavement beneath his feet.
Too tired to notice anything around him.
Too tired to notice Hanbin walking towards him.
"Seokmae?"
Matthew whips his head up, startled and messily wipes his eyes with the ends of his sleeves.
"What are you doing here hyung?" he asks, voice hoarse and ears red from embarrassment.
"You've been crying" Hanbin says, a statement, not a question. He looks like he is on the verge of crying as well, Matthew doesn't understand why Hanbin always seems to shed tears for him but Hanbin has always been like that . He's always been a kind hearted, empathetic soul. It is one of the many reasons he fell in love with the man a year into their friendship, found a home in him.
Matthew fails to put on a smile, the corners of his lips trembling as he tries to. He swallows hard, the knot in his throat not getting any better.
"I'm fine-" he tries to put out.
However, before he could complete his sentence, Hanbin rushes towards him and before a moment could pass, he pulls him by his arms, Matthew stumbles forward and falls into Hanbin's tight embrace.
Hanbin holds him like he would disappear at any given moment, hands firmly pressing into his shoulder blades, head snuggled in the crook of his neck.
And suddenly Hanbin is everything Matthew could feel at the moment, his warmth a stark contrast against the cold of the night. Matthew lets out a choked noise when he feels Hanbin's hand move from his shoulders to the back of his head, alternating between petting him and scratching him softly beneath his hair.
Hot tears spill from his eyes and he is overwhelmed by the comfort of Hanbin's body against his. He whimpers when Hanbin presses against him even harder , like he too craves the warmth, like he wants to be even closer to a physically unattainable level. And Matthew feels like he is back again in their tiny shared room in Cube, hands holding each other under the covers as they talk about anything and everything, cuddling together on a particularly cold day for the extra warmth bodily heat would provide.
But he is not.
Those were lost days he knows but that makes him wish for those days even more.
When everything was easy, when he was not being monitored even in his bedroom, when each of his words were not twisted and tuned for the sake of entertainment. When his friendships were not just another storyline in the grand scheme of the show.
He feels safe in Hanbin's arms and he presumes that's enough, it should be enough, he shouldn't wish for more but he does. Oh he does.
He wishes that this moment would last forever. He wishes they would be together forever even though that is a hopeless thought. He wishes he would always be the one on the receiving end for Hanbin's affections. He wishes for a lot. And all of them are just hopeless dreams drifting along the waves of the vast ocean.
"Talk to me Seokmae" Hanbin says, face still buried in his neck but Matthew stays quiet, relishing in the comfort of his friend's arms. He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't want to spoil this precious moment by speaking.
He always seemed to fuck up when he spoke afterall.
His throat feel like sand. Even when he opens his mouth to speak, to say something, anything in reply, no words come out. He sniffles quietly.
Hanbin lifts his face from Matthew's neck where he buried himself previously to face him. He searches his friend's face, eyes furrowed in worry. Matthew does not want to look him in the eye and see his pained expression, to see what he caused, instead he focuses on the tattoo between his collar bones.
" Please " Hanbin pleads.
And one word is all it takes, he could never really hold back with Hanbin. Words spill out of Matthew's traitorous mouth involuntarily.
"I'm scared" Matthew says quietly, voice cracking and he gulps "I don't think I can keep my end of our promise hyung."
Matthew looks up at Hanbin and smiles wetly. His cheeks are red and tear stained, his hair is a mess and his bangs are sticking to his forehead but Hanbin is looking at him with so much affection and adoration in his welled up eyes that it is painful for Matthew to meet his eyes any longer.
Sniffling, he quickly casts his eyes down to his shoes, unable to maintain eye contact with his friend. He tries to shrug off Hanbin's hands from his shoulders, in an attempt to run away. Anywhere. As long as he could get away from Hanbin's gaze .
His loving gaze that makes Matthew overthink in the wee hours of the night, his gaze that makes him hopeful that they could be something more, the gaze that makes him want want and want .
He tries to run away but Hanbin's shaky hands hurriedly find their way to his cheeks.
"No Seokmae-ya" he says, his voice as shaky as his hands, like he couldn't believe what he heard, like he had not thought of that possibility.
His thumb caresses the swell of his cheeks, rubbing the dried tear stains. His touches are tender and careful, he touches him like he is made of precious gems, his touch makes him feel invaluable like he is at the top of the world.
"Don't say that" Hanbin's voice is pained "We will make it together yeah?" He pulls Matthew's face closer and presses his forehead to his own. "I'm sure the Star Creators appreciate you as much as I do" he reassures.
But Matthew cannot find it in himself to believe. He is not sure anymore. Not after the past three weeks where everyday was a hit after hit to his confidence. Definitely not after the 3rd Eliminations.
He feels like a ship caught in a thunderstorm, the constant ups and downs, the dark waters of the ocean trying its best to swallow him whole. He doesn't think he can overcome this storm anymore. He was once hopeful but it was completely crushed under the horrifying weight of reality.
But he doesn't want to disappoint his hyung— the only one who wholeheartedly trusted that his friend could debut, that they would debut together .
Therefore he hums out a tiny mhm in agreement, he will let himself believe that fleeting dream, just for a while, just as long as he has Hanbin's hands around him.
"I missed you" Matthew's voice is so small, so soft when he speaks that if it wasn't for dead of the night, no one would've heard his small confession. But Hanbin does.
Hanbin always does.
Hanbin's hands find their way to the small of his back and pull him forward by his waist, pressing them together, hands twining at Matthew's back.
"I missed you too" Hanbin confesses, fitting his forehead in between the crook of his neck, his hair tickling Matthew's chin.
"I missed us" he whispers, his breath sending pleasant shivers over Matthew's skin. "I missed holding you like this, having you close"
Matthew bites his lower lip relishing in the revelation. Words leave his mouth before he could stop himself.
"You could've but– but you never came to me" Matthew mumbles, his voice trembling, tired from crying.
Hanbin lifts his face back up to look at Matthew's face, worried, his hand rubbing soothing circles in the small of his back.
"I thought you didn't want me anymore" Matthew continues with his broken voice and Hanbin chokes, a tear runs down his cheek at the confession.
Matthew wipes away the tears in his eyes with his sleeves, sniffling. And the sight breaks him.
Hanbin pulls away Matthew's hands and tangles their fingers together.
"No ba- Don't say that Seokmae" Hanbin sounds wrecked as well, "I didn't want to hog you to myself and stop you from making new friends" he takes a deep breath as if contemplating whether or not to say the next thing "...but you never came to find me as well"
"That's because I didn't want to be clingy and bother you" Matthew pushes his lower lip out in a pout, his lips that are pink and swollen and Hanbin has to will down the uncontrollable urge, the need he feels to bite on them.
"You could never bother me" Hanbin refutes, "I will always need you closer, I can't believe you thought otherwise"
"Whenever I tried to look for you, you were with someone else, you were always with Hao hyung and I–" He stopped himself, realizing that he sounded like he was complaining.
no no no no no
He was being selfish again. Hanbin hyung is gonna be disappointed. He's gone and fucked it all up once again.
His mind supplies and he wants to run away again but instead his hands hold onto Hanbin's tighter. He doesn't want to let go.
He doesn't want to see the disappointment on Hanbin's face. But he can't help but meet his eyes when Hanbin removes a hand from his hold and gently cups his cheek, lifting his face up to meet his eyes.
Suddenly Matthew is stricken by the look of pure adoration in Hanbin's eyes. His heart stutters in its cage when a small endeared smile grazes his features. Hanbin looks at him as if he were a precious treasure, holds him delicately as if he's something divine. Matthew felt tears stinging in his eyes, this was all too much .
"Hyung–" he whimpers
"Can I kiss you?" Hanbin asks instead, his eyes flickering from his eyes to lips and back to his eyes again, searching his face.
Matthew swallows a whine, " Please " he whispers with a tiny nod, fingers clutching the front of Hanbin's shirt.
Before the word could completely leave the tip of his tongue, there's a soft pair of lips claiming his. He presses soft pecks again and again on Matthew's swollen lips soothingly.
"Lovely" Hanbin mutters, voice low and gravely, not pulling away from his lips, keeping him close, their breath mingling.
One of his hands find purchase in the back of his head and the other pulls him by his waist, pressing their hips flush against each other and Matthew whines.
And that ignites something within Hanbin, something he'd been pushing away ever since he had met Matthew at Cube. Something that he had to control every time Matthew smiled at him sweetly.
He pushes him against the nearest wall, cradling his head to make sure the wall doesn't hit him hard and crashes his lips onto Matthew's again.
He kisses him hungrily, like a man starved. They hold onto each other even when they run out of air, gasping for breath.
They kiss desperately, pulling each other closer. Hanbin swipes his tongue against Matthew's lips and he eagerly opens up with a moan.
"Pretty baby" Hanbin groans as he lodges his knees between Matthew's thighs and Matthew's head is muddled, all he could think of is Hanbin— Hanbin's weight pressing him against the wall, Hanbin's tongue in his mouth, Hanbin's hand in his hair, Hanbin's bruising grip on his hips, Hanbin's knee grinding up against his crotch. He blabbers Hanbin's name like a chant in between kisses, unable to think .
Hanbin bites and tugs on his bottom lips with his teeth and sucks hard, breaking the delicate skin and he whimpers loud.
Matthew crosses his arms behind Hanbin's neck, pulling him closer and kisses him back hot with fervor, with all his feelings of love and affection he had hidden away in the fear of losing their friendship. He kisses messily, too eager and Hanbin feels like he's struck in the heart by the man in his arms.
Hanbin pulls away to take a breath, only to have his breath taken away by the sight of Matthew, half lidded eyes, red all over and swollen lips parted, waiting for another kiss— a mess. Hanbin blooms with pride knowing this was his creation.
"Hanbin hyungg please" Matthew whines and Hanbin chuckles, who's he to deny him. They kiss and keep kissing until their lips begin to sting at contact.
When they break apart, they are both panting hard. The realization that he just made out with his best friend slowly hits Matthew. "We should probably talk about this" he says, licking his abused lips, casting his eyes to the ground.
He just kissed his best friend, whom he has a massive crush on, who might also like him back, yeah no big deal, he was not panicking at all.
Hanbin's hands cup his cheeks once again and tips his face upward so that their eyes meet and Matthew gulps nervously.
Yet Hanbin smiles reassuringly, as if he's endeared by his antics.
"We'll talk about it…" Hanbin says, pressing a kiss to the eyelids of his swollen eyes, "...at our dorms" he continues, pressing a kiss to his reddened cheeks, "...after we debut together" he finishes with a kiss to his forehead.
Matthew stares mesmerized, falling deeper as Hanbin lets out a shaky breath and stares lovingly into his eyes, and pecks him finally on his lips as if to seal the pact.
"How can you always be so sure?" Matthew asks, voice hoarse.
Hanbin simply smiles back at him, a smile so bright that it lights up the dark of the night and suddenly Hanbin is all Matthew can see.
“ Haven't I told you before? I'm never wrong Seokmae ”
___
Matthew realizes it when he wakes up the morning after their debut, the sunlight lightening up the room, legs tangled with Hanbin's who is sleeping next to him exhausted from the previous day. He realizes it when he presses a kiss to Hanbin's crown and he opens one eye and drowsily smiles at him. He realizes it when they go get their breakfast together, hands intertwined.
Sung Hanbin is never wrong