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He stared at the visor in his hand, heart clenching in pain when he saw his face. Blood, lots of it. His face was already starting to bruise, red and yellow patches taking over his face. Gabe stared into those deep brown eyes, trying to look away from the mess around him. Trying to forget, forget the pain, forget the chaos. To forget the world.
Beside him, Jack let out a groan of agony. Trying to open his eyes, squinting from the glow of the sun. He outstretched his arms, trying to find himself comfort in the man beside him.
“Don’t,” Gabriel whispered, “you’re hurt.” And carefully placed Jack’s head on his thighs, gently running his gloved fingers through the blonde hair, picking out pieces of debris carefully.
He couldn’t bear to see him like this. Jack was a hero, a super soldier, and his best friend. Having to watch him die in his hands was agonizing.
“You’re a good friend, Gabe,” Jack offered a small smile, eyes trying to read his face.
“Yes,” Gabe nodded, ignoring the pang in his heart. “A friend.” He agreed, letting his hands rest on the blonde's head.
The silence they were sitting in was deafening, excruciatingly painful. It was so palpable that it felt smothering. The only thing Gabriel could focus on was the sound of Jacks heartbeat, sitting defeated as the beats slowed down.
The overwhelming silence was broken when Jack let out a mumble.
Gabriel’s glossy eyes focused on the blue ones looking up at him. Tears slowly made their way down his cheeks, sniffling his nose, trying to catch them.
“It’s okay,” he coughed, “you can cry.” Hand reaching up to cup Gabe’s face, gently using his thumb to offer a sliver of comfort.
Gabe let out a dry chuckle, turning his head to look at the chaos they were sitting in. “We both know monsters don’t cry.”
Jack let his fingers trace over the scars on Gabriel’s face, “you’re not a monster.” He whispered, as if their conversation was being overheard. “You’re not what they made you to be.”
Gabe didn’t answer. His thoughts and emotions taking over him. The ache in his heart grew, the internal feeling of dread took over him. He sat there, unmoving, as he watched Jack lose consciousness.
Slowly drifting away, Jack let out a mumble under his breath that Gabe wasn’t able to catch.
“Please,” Gabe whispered, voice cracking slightly as he did, “don’t say anything.” Pain filled his chest, but his eyes stayed glued to the blue ones slowly closing in front of him.
***
“Gabe-,”
“No. No! I am not planning his funeral! What is wrong with you? He’s not dead. He’s fine! He’s fine. He’s in recovery.”
“No,” Ana said softly, shaking her head. “He’s really gone, Gabe. You were there. You held him, offered him a last moment of comfort and quiet.”
“Shut up,” Gabriel cried, tears forming in his eyes. “You don’t know shit. You don’t know what happened. Offering fake comfort.” He scoffed. “Jack is still with us. I know he is.”
“You were there, don’t do this to yourself. You’re only hurting yourself.” Anatried to reason, to get him to understand.
Gabriel was in denial, how was he supposed to come to terms that his best friend was dead? He died, right there on the battlefield, in his arms. No, it wasn't true, he couldn't believe it. Jack was still alive, just wounded that’s all. Thats what he kept telling himself.
“He’s not gone. I know he isn't,” he cried into the comforting hug Ana was holding him in.
***
His heart was full of fuel, full of anger, full of fury. The force in his heart was hard to contain, hard to tame. How was he meant to move forward without Jack? Jack was his everything, his whole world, his whole heart. He was a shell. A shell of powerful rage.
“I was right fucking there! Right there!” Gabe yelled as he focused his anger into the punches he was throwing at the training dummy. “I could have taken the shot for him, then he would still be here!”
It wasn't enough, nothing he was doing was getting rid of the anger stored in his heart. So full of hatred, like a storm that's growing deep inside. A force of nature that couldn't be ignored, he hated it. It made him feel weak, pathetic. He was letting these emotions take over his better judgment. He knew he was putting his friends through an abundant additional pain, they were mourning their friend, their commander. But to Gabriel, Jack was so much more than a soldier or a commander. He was his love, his life. His everything.
“Gabe,” Anaspoke softly when she entered the training room, “the team and I were about to have dinner, do you care to join us?”
She was met with silence in return, Gabriel not even acknowledging that she was inviting him out, to help him grieve his sorrows. What was he supposed to say? He felt like it was all his fault, he couldn't handle the whispers about them, the eyes that followed him when he walked. Gabriel wouldn't deny it, he wasn't raised that way. But he will stay quiet, the survival instincts fed into his head, screaming at him.
“Look,” Ana started, taking a few steps forward in the room. “I know you’re hurting, we all are. We all loved Jack, he was impossible not to love. He was like this ray of sunshine, always bright and warm.”
“Did you come here to talk up Jack?” Gabe finally broke the one-sided conversation. His eyes drifted to Ana, but he refused to meet her gaze. He knew she was right, she was consistently right.
“I came here for you,” she sighed. “We’re all worried about you. You’re punishing yourself. For something that is not your fault. It’s not your fault Gabe.”
He couldn't take it anymore, letting himself melt into the mats below him, he let out a sob. “I could have saved him, I was right there!” He cried. His heart beating so loud, he felt like it was going to jump out of his chest. Heaving, he cried, grasping at his pants for comfort, as he rocked himself back and forth. Too focused on his heartbeat and his crying, he jumped when he felt a warm hand on his back.
He took hold of Ana’s hand, holding it in a tight grip. “It should have been me,” he cried. “I should have taken the bullets for him.”
“You can’t change what happened,” she said softly. “You were there for him, offering him comfort when he needed it most. You did your best.”
“My best wasn’t good enough, Ana,” Gabriel whispered.
***
He felt like a puppet, drowning in his sorrows, in his heartache, in his depression. He was numb, an empty shell. Jack wasn't just his other half, his better half, he was his everything. He didn’t sleep, didn't eat, didn't work. Gabriel had fallen into a state of depression, the ache in his heart weighing him down. It feels like there's a dreadful cloud hanging over his head, like a storm churning in his stomach.
He sat on his balcony, eyes focused on the locket he was holding, with a blanket draped over his shoulders to keep him warm from the heavy rain. The locket was a picture of Jack' and his dog. Oh, how much Jack loved that dog, a golden retriever with the same personality as its owner. Gabriel thought it was adorable, but he never dared tell Jack that, now he regrets it. There was so much he never got to tell him. He never got to tell Jack how much he loved him, how full and soft he felt when he was around him.
“Hope you’re not sitting out here debating if you should jump,” Anaspoke, startling Gabriel, making him drop the locket.
“I don’t know what to do,” Gabe whispered, his eyes finding the hazel ones staring down at him.
“Well,” Anastarted, as she took a seat on the balcony next to Gabe. “I know for a fact that Jack would not want you dead.”
“No,” Gabe let out a little laugh, “he’d probably say that it happened for a reason, and to look on the bright side.” He paused, “I just want him here.”
“He’s here in spirit, habibi ,” Ana whispered, wrapping her arms around Gabe. “He would want you to be strong, don’t cry. He loved you, he really loved you. You know that.”
“I want him back.” Gabriel whispered into her shoulder, tears threatening to fall, “I want him back, here, with me.”
“I know, habibi , I know.”
***
Flowers in hand, he made his way over to the tombstone. He wasn't sure what to do, what to say. He had asked Ana for help, but she told him it would be better to go alone. To talk, to share what’s been doing on. “To keep him in the loop” she put it.
“Hi, Jack,” Gabriel said softly when he found the right tomb, “I brought you your favourite.” He laid the flowers on the tomb, reminiscing about the first time he brought them for Jack. “White lilies, I remembered.”