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Lily giggled as she saw Remus, his jumper doing a poor job at hiding the marks littering his neck.
“Good job Rem, I knew you and Sirius would work everything out!”
Remus blushed, but smiled nevertheless, he was clearly so happy.
“You are always right, thanks,” he said while coming to walk with her to the library “It still feels a bit surreal, if I’m honest”
She smiled at him, and took his hand.
“Do not worry. You’re not dreaming right now”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course I am. I would never lie to you”
“I know that”
He smiled as they approached a table and sat their things down for one of their study sessions.
“We can work on the potions essay, and then study for the story test.” Lily said while fumbling in her purse. “Is that alright?”
“Of course it is. What are you looking for?”
“My phone” she scrunched her nose “I can’t find it “
“The one you just put on the table?” he laughed, as lily’s cheeks turned red “may I know what’s so important in it?”
“I have to tell Mary that were here studying. You know we always tell each other where we are”
“Yeah, I know” he replied, with an amused smile, and knowing glint in his eyes.
Lily just ignored him. Remus had been insisting on this stupid idea that she and Mary were more than friends for some time now. She focused on her phone instead.
Already in the library with Rem, what about you?
I am in the dorm, dreaming about you, as always
Please why dream about it when you have me in real life, Love?
Because I can’t go a second without thinking about you
Lily blushed a little, her chest getting warm. She and Mary have been friends for six years now, and they have always been like that flirting with each other for fun
“Oh, good for Mary getting you all flustered. Again.”
“Oh, shut it Remus, you know it’s not like that”
“Really? Then what is it like?”
“That’s just how we show affection as friends”
Remus just looks at her, clearly not believing a single word that comes out of her mouth.
“If you’re saying so”
“Yes I am, and if you can recall you just said I am always right, so”
“Clearly a lapse in my judgment”
Lily often forgets how insistent Remus can be, which is not surprising at all considering who his friends are.
“Let it go Remus”
She says before going back to her phone.
As am I, my Mary
Get off your phone and focus on your studies baby
Okay, okay
Lily puts her phone away and turns to Remus just as he starts saying
“Lily. You know I love you. You are one of my best friends and that’s why I’m telling you this right now. You are way too smart to actually believe this is all platonic”
“Except that it is” she can almost feel Remus rolling his eyes as she keeps talking. “You can’t understand that but friendship between girls is different, we just act like that”
“Are you sure that’s it?” He asks arching an eyebrow at her. “And of course I understand it. I live with James and Sirius in case you forgot.”
“Please those two are an anomaly. They can’t go a single second without each other.”
“You may have a point”
Remus concedes.
“As previously stated I always do”
They actually study after that.
Later that day Lily is making her way to Supper, Mary by her side, as always. They were laughing loudly, teasing each other about something stupid, their pinks hooked between them.
Lily cannot remember a time when she was not that close with Mary. They knew everything there was to know about each other, all the secrets and details that made them who they were. Mary knew about Lily’s issues with her sister. Lily in return knew about Mary’s issues with self-steam, and how hard it was for her to come to terms with the fact that she is queer.
“Looking good McDonald”
A seventh year boy Lily does not know at all, from Slytherin according to his uniform, said as he passed them. Eyeing Mary shamelessly, from head to toe. Lily got inexplicably angry; did he not know that it is very rude to interrupt two people talking?
She pushed Mary away from the boy before the girl had time to do anything about it, or answer in anyway.
“Why did you do that?”
Mary asked turning to her, a hand propped up in her hip.
“Please you deserve better than…” Lily flails her hands around, trying to convey her idea. “Better than catcalling you in the middle of the corridor Mary”
Mary sighed and smiled at Lily, that one smile that was reserved specially for her, so soft and only directed at Lily, never at anyone else. Perfect just like the rest of her. In moments like this, Lily received the full impact of how beautiful Mary was. Her perfect dark skin, not a blemish on sight. Her hair, her eyes, everything. Not that she was ever able to forget.
“I know I deserve only the best, that’s why I have you”
“Exactly”
Lily answered before taking her arm and leading them to the Gryffindor table.
On the following days, things proceeded just as usual. Lily and Mary being each other’s best friends, doing everything together, from brushing their teeth in the morning, to late night talks under the duvet in Mary’s bed. Her pillow smelling like her, vanilla. Lily loved the way she smelled.
Once again, Lily found herself in the library with Remus.
“You and Mary are worse with each other than I was with Sirius, and you know that is saying something.”
Lily sighed and rolled her eyes.
“This again?”
“Yes, this again. It’s not possible for you to be in so much denial, it’s definitely not healthy”
“Remus, I love you so I am going to choose to ignore you and focus on the assignment”
He runs his hands through his hair, looking frustrated.
Lily’s phone vibrates on the table, the name “My Mary <3” flashing on the screen, indicating a new message, she is fast in catching her phone and Remus laughs.
“Oh yeah, because that is exactly what a platonic relationship looks like”
“Please, stop it you know it can never happen”
“Why Lily? Please explain to me”
“We are just friends” Lily feels weirdly sad saying it, her heart clenching “And that’s okay, she would never see me as more than that”
“Do you see her as more than a friend Lily?” Remus asks his voice soft and eyes understanding.
“I…” Lily thinks about all the ways Mary makes her feel, how important she is, how Lily could never live without her, their constant messages, their banter, their hugs that never fail to feel like home. “I can’t Rem, because I could never risk what we have right now”
“Do you honestly think that what you have right now is just friendship?”
Lily smiles, although it is sad.
“It is all it can ever be”
The holydays come around and Lily is back home, having fun seeing her parents and old friends, she really misses all of them, and always take the opportunities to go and see her family. It was also good for her to be away from Hogwarts a little, after her conversation with Remus she started overthinking every little interaction she had with Mary, drawing comparisons between that and the way Mary treated everyone else. Lily was on the verge of insanity.
“Mom, can you hand me the salt please?”
She asks while helping her mother cook, an activity she always found soothing. The routine of it all.
“Can you not do that with your magic?” Petunia asks, her face scrunched up in disgust, saying the world like it is a curse.
“You know I can’t. I am not seventeen yet”
“What’s the use of it all then?”
Lily is about to snap at her sister but her mom just passes her the salt before saying, without raising her voice.
“Petunia stop being rude to your sister, please.”
“And of course you would defend her” Petunia says bitterly before standing from the chair she was previously on and leaving the kitchen. Lily can hear her footsteps going upstairs.
Things have been tense between then, as they have been since Lily received her Hogwarts letter. However, it seems like Petunia’s new boyfriend Vernon has been a bad influence on her, which leads to a lot of fighting. Lily is so tired of her sister hating her.
“I’m going to talk to her. Can you handle everything here sweetheart?” Her mom asks
“Of course mom”
.
The night rolls around and Lily heads to her bedroom, feeling overwhelmed and tired after a tense dinner in which Petunia kept staring at her. All she wants to do is lay in her bed while complaining to Mary all about it, she always succeeded in making Lily feel better so Lily did just that.
They were not really talking during this break, most because Lily was avoiding Mary as much as she could get away with, only replying to her messages so late that Mary would already be sleeping. She knew it was wrong but she could not face her feelings just yet, so that was that.
As soon as Lily opened her conversation with Mary her heart started racing, there were only three messages, different from the previous days, in which Mary was still telling Lily everything that went on with her .
Lily, I do not know what I did for you to be mad at me, and avoiding me, but I am truly sorry
This song made think of you. I love you.
Superposition- Young the Giant
Lily immediately felt even worse, it was not fair for Mary to feel bad just because she was freaking out about her feelings, and it was not Mary’s fault that Lily was in love with her. Because that is what it was this whole time. Lily loved her. She felt her eyes fill with water. Why did everything had to be so hard?
A single tear fell down her cheek and she clicked on the link of the song, curious despite everything. She had already listened to some of the songs of this band since Mary loves them with her whole heart, but not that one.
“I don't believe in fate
Nor psychic vision
But when things fall into place, superposition”
Lily smiled in the midst of her tears, it seemed like a sweet song and the rhythm was so nice.
“In any universe you are my dark star
I want you to want me
Why don't we rely on chemistry?
Why don't we collide the spaces that divide us?
I want you to want me”
Lily could feel her heart beating in her throat, she stopped crying, a sudden rush of adrenaline hitting her. There was no way. She turned the volume up and kept listening.
“Superstition aims with imprecision
But when things can't be explained, superposition, oh
In any universe you are my dark star
I want you to want me
Why don't we rely on chemistry?
Why don't we collide the spaces that divide us?
I want you to want me
I want you to want me
No matter what we do
I'll be there with you
I want you to want me
Why don't we rely on chemistry?
Why don't we collide the spaces that divide us?
I want you to want me”
Lily finished the song and she could not move or breath, the whole world seemed to have stopped turning, everything felt frozen in place. Such a lovely song. Such lovely lyrics.
Everything came back at once, and now Lily was breathing too much, too fast. Her inhales and exhales seemed hollow and she knew she was panicking. Tears started rolling down her face again while she tried to calm herself.
After what seemed like hours, she could finally feel her hands stop shaking; she looked over to her phone. She could just grab it. Instead, she chose to lay down and ignore it.
She kept doing it for the rest of the break.
“WHAT THE FUCK LILY?”
Remus screamed at her and she grimaced, he was not one for screaming, and when he did, it was definitely something serious.
“Your best friend basically confessed her feelings for you. A best friend for which you also have feelings for, by the way. And you ignored her?”
“Keep it down, would you?” they were in a secluded carriage in the train, Lily had called him since she was not ready to face Mary and so wouldn’t come close to the compartment all their friends usually shared.
“I am so afraid Remus” Lily looked at him and felt the tears streaming down her face.
“Oh Lils” he said while hugging her, he was also not one for displays of affection, more reserved, but he never failed in comforting Lily when she needed him to. His sweater was so soft and his hug so comforting, Lily just cried against him.
.
After some minutes of ugly sobbing into Remus shoulder, Lily composed herself enough to be able to let him go, cleaning her face with her sleeves and looking him in the eye. She must have been a true sight, with her puffed and rimmed eyes, red cheeks and messy hair.
“Go on Rem, I know you want to scold me”
He smiled at her, soft. “I really don’t. I just want you to be happy. But for that to happen you need to go talk to Mary.”
He pushed one strand of hair out of her face
“Take it from me; dating your best friend could be the best thing to ever happen to you”
He was right, of course.
“What if I fumbled it? What if she never forgives me? What if she never talks to me again?”
“Lily breath, she loves you. Those are all possibilities but you need to be brave and face her. It is better to regret it all after you try it than to live never knowing”
“How are you so wise Remus?” she smiles at him, a weak smile, but a sincere one. “Thank you for being here for me. I don’t know what I would do without you”
Remus chuckled and ruffled her hair “let’s be grateful you never have to find out”
Lily made her way to the dorms when they arrived at the school. She knew Mary was there, she could picture her, just lazing around in bed, the crimson of the duvet contrasting with her hair. Mary was always the last to organise her stuff and usually Lily did most of the work for her.
Lily could feel her hands shaking, her knees almost giving out as she approached the stairs, feeling the distance between her and the woman she is in love with getting shorter. Lily braced herself and took a deep breath, smiling. She was not afraid of her feelings anymore, loving Mary was probably the most beautiful thing she ever did. She could never be ashamed of it.
That being said, she was afraid of Mary. She was horrible to her, ignoring her best friend after everything. Lily also knew exactly how harsh Mary could be, she was not one to mess with, that was one of the things Lily loved the most about her.
With the knowledge that Remus was right and she needed to make up for her mistakes, Lily took the last steps toward her room and opened the door, grateful to find Mary alone in there. For a moment they just looked at each other, Mary seemed tired; dark circles around her eyes that made Lily’s stomach churn with guilt. Everything seemed to come barrelling down out of her at once and she was crying before she even started talking.
“Mary I know you are mad at me right now, but please listen. I am so sorry. I have no excuses for the way I acted, and you are completely right if you never want to forgive me.”
Lily could not breathe; she needed to put everything out there
“before the holydays I was already freaking out because I realised I loved you as way more than just a friend and that terrified me in ways I can’t even begin to describe. I was so afraid of losing you, and so I tried to keep some distance from you. Then you send me that song. That beautiful song. Oh Mary. You have no idea how much I love you, you want me to want you; well I have been doing that for quite some time now. You are MY dark star and I don’t even want to fight your gravitational pull, I want to exist in you because that’s the only way it will be worth existing”
Mary stares at her, she has not moved once, she just stays there.
“Please say something.” Lily begs, “Even if it’s bad, I can’t live without you so if I misinterpreted you can just tell me and we can be just friends again. Pretend it never happened”
Lily is getting more and more desperate by the second. Mary just stares at her. Until out of nowhere she moves towards lily, stopping when they are so close Lily can feel her breath hitting her face. It is intoxicating. Mary is so beautiful she could die, just from the force of her love for Mary.
“Did you mean any of that?”
“Of course I did”
“Great, because I love you, Merlin, I really do, but if you pull shit like that again I will kill you”
That is all Mary says before grabbing lily’s face and pressing their lips together. Lily is finally happy.