Work Text:
You're sitting on the porch enjoying moment when everyone are too busy by Carl's case and you have a little time for yourself. Streets are abandoned what surprises you cause that's something new. Back in the old times it was hard to gain even just a minute of silence when all what you heard was police sirens and fights in every house. Kids were on streets until late night hours and now it was barely 10pm and not a living soul was here. This neighborhood quieted definitely. Gentrification they say. Most of neighbours got out of here or were kicked out but you're still here. Gallaghers won't move for an inch. You're curious if sometime will come this moment when whole Southside will change into some sort of suburbs for the richest and you will still be here. Rats between royal greyhounds. Fucking trashes of this society.
You remember times when you wanted to get out of here. When you had dreams which were supposed to help you run away. Stop being trash become somebody important. In the bottom of your heart you knew that it was impossible. No, something like that would worked well only for Lip. Even if you literally ran away from here you came back. But you're glad you did cause you never really fitted in exclusive company.
You're staring at last cigarette from your pack. How it's slowly burning itself in your hand. Damn, now you realise that you don't even remember when you lighted it. In other hand you're clutching to your phone and red control light reminds you about missed calls. 45 voicemails and 24 texts which you read already. It wasn't much. Most was from Fiona, Debbie or Lip. Barely couple from Mickey. Short 'I'm sorry. Come back.' or just 'I'm sorry'. But you're not ready to listen through the voicemails. In this case most of them are from Him. You know that you won't avoid guiltiness which you blocked so well since he visited you in psych ward. Medicated or not you remember how he looked like. You skip his unnatural paleness cause you're not sure if it wasn't fault of hospital lamps. But his eyes. You could read them like an open book. Pain, insecurity, care and guiltiness. This fucking guiltiness. You want to yell at him that he needs to stop this right now. Nothing is his fault but you know what is happening in his head in this moment. You know him too well to know what exact time he is bringing back into his mind and for what he is mentally kicking himself. You want to stop him but you can't. Words aren't forming in your mouth, even in your head they aren't here. You don't really think or feel in that moment. You're just using programmed options for walking and breathing. There is nothing more you can do.
That's what you're afraid of. That this messages will be full of guiltiness and it will be too much for you. But you need to deal with this. He is not here and most likely he won't be anytime soon or at all. You have only this voicemails. And you know you will find less painful one and you will listen it thousand times until his voice will stay permanently in your head.
You start and thanks to this messages you can sketch what was happening. In the beginning Mickey thought that he will do everything by myself and he didn't tell anything to your family. If you would check time of this voicemails you could know exact time when he told Fiona. Then Lip and Debbie. You skipped couple of them cause his pleading voice was too hard to maintain. You stopped when his voice changed and he was more pissed off than worried.
"Alright shithead, this is, like, the 200th time I'm calling and you not picking up. I'm starting to get homicidal. Call me the fuck back, Ian. I'm worried about you. I love you. Call me back."
You freeze. You're not sure if you aren't hallucinating. It happened before. You play it again. "I'm worried about you. I love you. Call me back." And you play it again and again and again until you finally listen just this one sentence and your head is so full of it that there is no more space for thoughts. Just endless 'I love you's.
You freak out. You hide your phone in your pocket and you start pacing nervously. You're not freaking out cause he said it. He didn't have to and you always knew that he does. You're freaking out cause your reaction isn't right. And you don't know if it's because of the meds or you're just crazy. Fifteen years old version of you would be over the moon and would grin like crazy just on the memory of it. But you're not happy, you're furious. You just realised something and you can't believe that it took you so long. You wish that you didn't smoke already this last cigarette without really smoking it cause you would use it right now.
All 'big steps' Mickey ever did were caused by desperation. Desperation you made him feel. You feel sick on your stomach. You bend over the porch with hope that you will vomit and get rid off everything, including your thoughts. But you fail. You forgot that you haven't eat anything since yesterday so nothing really comes out of you. You're just choking patheticly until there are tears in your eyes and you have difficulties with calming your breath. Just fear of Fiona coming here and ruining your moment of loneliness helps you to even it.
Kiss in the van? You enforced it on him cause you knew how jealous he was about Ned. Back then it was white lie. Just little manipulation for you two to take a new step. You knew that he wants it too but he was too scared. You thought that you gave him enough of time and now he only needs some little push in right direction. He had to be terrified that you will leave him for someone better who will give you everything he can't. That you will also abandon him.
You tried to enforce on him changing decision about marrying Svetlana and stand up against Terry when you knew that he had no feelings for her and he is saving yours and his life. But no, you had to show that your feelings matter also and now you're damn glad that he didn't listen to you and chosen safest option for you two to stay alive. And what you did after that? You left him alone in the middle of this mess cause he hurt your precious feelings.
Oh God, and this blowjob ultimatum. You fucking knew that he will do anything for you to stay, to keep you here and you used it. Like the biggest asshole you told him to suck you off or you will leave. You want to punch yourself right in the face. Mick didn't deserve that. He saved your coked ass and without word of disagreement was following you to Boystown even if admitting that he is gay was still something hurtful for him. He did all of that for you, cause he cared about you.
He came out in front of Terry in worst possible moment cause you threatened him that you will left. He risked his life just because he didn't want to lose you.
Now this. I love you but please come back. You want to vomit again but everything what comes out of you it's just a weak sob. You hide your face in your hands and you want to disappear. You're ashamed. You don't want to show yourself to him ever again. You want him to forget about you and find someone who is worth him. You're definitely not that person.
You thought that he wasn't here today cause he was scared off by vision of living with crazy person. But now you have hope that he finally opened his eyes and realised that you're not worth him. He had to change too much for you, risk too much. For asshole who manipulates him.
You love him, of course you do. You love him and you want to spend the rest of your life with him. There is nothing you can do about it and you know that if he will come back to you you will be egoistic again and you will clutch onto him to suck life out of him.
"Ian? You're here?" You hear Fiona's voice behind you when door slowly crack open. "You need some company?" She asks with this smile full of concern. She is afraid that you could jump off the porch and run away again.
"No." You force weak smile and stand up although you're not sure when you sat. "I'm heading upstairs. I'm tired." You brush past her and hold her arm for fraction of a second. Everything is fine, Fi.
When you're finally in your bed it didn't take long when tears are running down your face and you want to disappear. That's why when Mickey shows up you feel so damn relived but on the other hand you want to yell at him to run, to escape when he still can. But you're not screaming. You're fucking egotistic asshole and you're going to use him until he will resign by himself.