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Han Jisung is a very anxious person, he messes one thing up then he over thinks about it for the rest of the day. Which then the over thinking turns into stress causing him to spiral into a depressive state. All because he messed one thing up.
That night they had a concert on, during maniac he messed up his lyrics and next he missed a step for the case 143 choreograph. And just like that his mind goes insane, over thinking any possible outcome for his mistake and he swears he can hear stay whispering about it. Which is highly unlikely as he can already hardly hear the screaming when Felix lifts his shirt.
Backstage after the performance Chan comes up to him. “Hey you all good? What was that about?” Chan's tone is calm, eyes soft as he makes eye contact with Jisung.
“Ah, yeah just a little slip up. Didn't get enough sleep” He forces a slight laugh, Chan’s expression changes, he doesn't believe him.
“Hey I thought that was my job” He jokes, nudging Jisung on the side. Face filled with worry. “Just remember to take some breaks and get enough sleep yea? Come to me whenever you need”
Jisung nods and Chan just smiles back, giving him a wave before heading to the dressing room. Jisung couldn't talk to him about his worries, he's already busy with everything like working on their comeback and producing the beats for their songs. Which is all just causing him to have zero sleep, even if he was to tell Chan how he was feeling what could he do? Just sit there and pat his back while he sobs, telling him everything will be ok when it obviously isn't.
Jisung lets out a sigh before turning around, making contact with Minho. “Oh- Hyung, Sorry I didn't see you” He apologises with a little bow.
“Why'd you do that.” Jisung looks Minho in the eyes with confusion. “The choreography and lyrics.”
Oh right, how could he forget that when it was the only thing on his mind for the rest of the concert. Minho now stands in front of him, arms crossed.
“I just haven't gotten enough sleep” Forcing a smile again. Minho's eyes change to something familiar, kinda like Chans earlier. Filled with worry, except it's not as obvious. You'd have to really know Minho to be able to tell the difference between his neutral face to his worried face.
“Mm, whatever. Get a good sleep tonight, we don't want it happening again” Minho's words come out harsh but you can tell he cares with the way his voice went soft near the end.
Jisung makes it to his hotel room, just closing the door before falling to the ground, letting the tears he kept from the moment he messed up his lyrics fall down. Staining his cheeks with a temporary wet stain. He starts to get lost in his thoughts. He has a habit of making the situation worse by reminding himself of other mistakes he has made in the past. Which is causing him to turn into a big wet ball of snot and tears. He starts to hiccup due to the uneasy breathing and tries to muffle his cries as the rest of the group are in rooms around him. Praying to god these walls are soundproof.
He finally gets up off the floor, his knees weak from sitting on them. He heads to the bathroom looking at himself in the mirror. His eyes are red and puffy, face feeling sticky from the tears. He hates how he looks, the more he stares at himself the more his face starts to seem more distorted. Twisting and turning with dark splotches around the figure. He blinks, the image of himself now returning to normal and he turns away. Not wanting to look any longer.
He slowly goes to grab his stomach, softly pulling at it. He’s gaining weight, what did he eat again? Oh right he had a burger from some fast food place with the rest of the group, since Chan wanted to show them around Sydney and it was nearby. Fuck how he regretted it, he hasnt been eating much lately. Only having dinner most days but of course the day he does have a proper meal is when it is take out.
His attention now changes to the toilet, his feet moving as if they have a mind of their own. He kneels in front of it and opens the lid, sucking in a sharp breath he hesitantly puts his fingers in his mouth. He's searched about this before, he just has to push on a spot at the back of his tongue where his throat starts and it should cause a reflex. His hands shake as he moves slowly towards the back of his mouth.
He presses down causing him to choke but nothing. Nothing comes up. He couldn't do it, he didn't press the right spot. He wasn't far enough but he couldn't get himself to go further. Fuck why couldnt he do it? It was right there. He just needs to get over his little fear of vomiting and just do it.
His eyes start to sting again as he feels more tears threatening to spill down as he continues to shove his fingers into his throat, more aggressively each time but continues to chicken out when he gets close to actually accomplishing it. He leans back on the wall and curses at himself.
Fuck I can't do anything right
He squeezes his eyes shut and curls into a ball, hugging onto his knees trying not to have another meltdown. He tries to control his breathing but it starts going out of control again.
He thinks back to what his therapist had told him. What are 5 things he can see? He looks around. One, the cracked chip in the tiles that are making up the floor. Two, his blue and white toothbrush sitting on the edge of the sink. He can feel himself slowly starting to calm, just need to find 3 more. Three, his mint mouthwash, half full and is definitely too strong. Four, the shampoo bottle on the floor in the shower that he forgot to pick up from last night.
Ok 1 left. Five, he looks around for a bit and catches a glimpse of something shiny. He turns his focus to it and gets up. Walking towards it and he sees his razor blade..he stares at it for a bit, almost as if he's in a trance. He soon snaps out of it and picks it up, he inspects it for any trace of rust growing but finds nothing and decides to take it back to the bedroom with him
After rummaging around the whole hotel room he finds a box filled with some screwdrivers. Taking one out that fits the size of the screws on the razer. Slowly undoing it and carefully taking the blade out. Being careful not to cut himself. He stares at it once again, questioning if he should really go through with it.
His stares switch from the blade to his arms, where you can see faint scars that now have smudged foundation on it from him sweating during the show. These scars aren’t new, they are from way, way back during his teenage years. He didn't have the best school life. He knows for a fact that the group has had to notice them, it's not like the foundation can last the whole day, he does prefer wearing long sleeves when they aren’t performing due to insecurities but when it’s hot it’s almost impossible to wear anything to cover them so he just holds his breath hoping no one points them out.
After considering it for a while, he slips his pants down. Leaving them beside the bed as he sits down. Pulling his boxers up a bit and holding his thigh slightly with the hand that's not occupied. He figured if they wear short sleeves during shows then he’ll have to do it where it's not visible. His thighs.
He knows the next day he’s going to be filled with regret. Already cringing with the thought of tight leather rubbing against fresh cuts. But that’s a problem for future Jisung. Present Jisung is too lost in his mind to care.
The blade in one hand and his thigh in the other, he shuts his eyes as he places the blade against his skin. Eyes twitching a little from the sudden cold touch he quickly rips it across to avoid the slow pain and rather enjoy the sting that keeps his mind off of all his mistakes. God how he missed this feeling. It feels with every cut, all his stress and worries are being spilled out with the blood.
He slowly opens his eyes just to see some dots of blood showing up. The crimson red reflecting the light from his lamp. Sighing, he does it again over the same cut, causing a wince from the back of his throat. And then he does it again….and again..until he has this blood mess running down his thighs and onto the hotel sheets. His mind snapping back to reality and realising what he had just done. Panic starts to rush through his head and a sick feeling in his stomach. He can't look at it, it looks disgusting.
The adrenaline now gone and the stinging pain starting to rise. Fuck what did I do?!
As he's about to get up and rush to the bathroom, he hears his door click open. With a flash he covers himself with the blanket. A silhouette is seen across the room, many thoughts start going through his mind till he remembers only one other person has the key to the room….Lee Minho.
“Sorry did I interrupt your little alone time?” Minho jokingly chuckles, totally misreading the situation in front of him. Jisung forces a slight smirk “You wish”.
Minho chuckles again before closing the door behind him, walking up to the end of the bed. Jisung’s head starts to feel a little uneasy. His thigh aching and his body feeling weak. Trying to fight through it he looks Minho in the eyes. “May I help you?”.
Lee Know is now sitting at the end of the bed, Jisung starts to worry. What if he notices? Did I remember to hide the blade? Is the blood going through?.
”I’m just returning the laptop you let me borrow, remember? I mentioned before the concert that I would bring it in.”
Right..of course, he lended it to Minho because his was lost in luggage or something and he needed to work on some choreography ideas. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He must've gotten stuck in his thoughts from everything that was going on. He really needs to work on that.
Lee Know is now next to him, his anxiety going through the roof. He reaches a hand to his face. “You ok Jisung-ie? Your face is very pale” His tone switches to worry, feeling his forehead.
Jisung weakly pushes his hand away, “Tired remember” Minho’s face shows he doesn't believe it. “Jisungie, tell me, you look worse than before and your skin is freezing.”
Minho’s free hand moves to his thigh, laying it there. Jisungs eyes go wide as he winces in pain, trying so badly to not convince himself that he knows. Minho looks at him, confusion in his face. He brings his hand back up and rubs his cheeks softly. Jisung still has a look of fear, refusing to look Minho in the eyes. Minho’s hand slides from his cheek to his chin, carefully pulling it to face him.
“Jisung, seriously are you ok?” He says with a more harsh tone, his hand that is placed on Jisung’s thigh starts to rock back and forth in a comforting way obviously trying to make Jisung feel better. But instead it does the opposite, causing Jisung’s panic to worsen.
Jisung starts to hyperventilate, tears threatening to spill once again, so many thoughts going through his head at once. He should just say it's sore from the concert, or he pulled a muscle. Fuck just say anything. Just get Minho out of the room. Shit….
He cant breath, his head is throbbing and the tears are falling down in a rush. He can't think straight, his mind is just blank. His body now in a curled position as he shakes violently.
Minho's hand is back to his cheek, almost desperately as he touches their foreheads together. He hums, trying to calm Jisung down. “It’ll be ok..just follow my breathing.” Minho's voice is calm but there's a tint of fear in it, he's helped Jisung with his panic attacks before but that doesn't mean he's used to it. He's human too, he still feels fear when he sees Jisung slouched down on himself as he shakes and cries.
Jisung starts to breathe as he tries his best to listen to Minho’s, who is exaggerating his own breathing pattern to help. His breathing still isn't stable but he's taking his time, his body slowly sitting back up.
Once Minho notices Jisung’s breathing starting to match with his own, he slowly looks up into his eyes. His face is puffy again, eyes red and his cheeks flushed. Minho’s heart breaks at the sight but he doesn't show it, wanting to be strong for him.
“..Jisung please tell me what's wrong..” Minho’s words sound desperate, he wants to know what's hurting him and causing him to break down so he can help him back up. He wants to be able to be there for him.
Jisung stays silent, his face dropping as his hands continue to shake. Minho keeps his hand on his cheek, giving him all the time he needs to be able to tell him.
After a moment Jisung speaks up, keeping his eyes glued to the ground. “I messed up….Shit Minho it wasn't meant to get this bad!” His fingers are fidgeting in his lap, picking at his skin as he bites down on his lip harshly to stop himself from crying even more.
“Hannie..what do you mean?” He has an idea on what it could be but he doesn't want to say it, he doesn't want Jisung to confirm it and show Minho how wrecked he really is. He doesn't want to believe Jisung is breaking this much infront of him and has been breaking this much without him knowing.
Jisung breaks out into a fit of apologies. “I’m so sorry-I’m- imsorry...fuck Minho..imsosorry..” His voice breaks through his rant, his hands gripping at Lee Minho’s denim jacket and his face in his chest, not being able to cry any more, his tears all used up. He doesn't want to look up and see the disappointment in Minho’s face.
He expects Minho to get up and leave him there to deal with it himself, saying to his face how stupid and pathetic he is to let a small thing have such a big impact on him. Even though deep down he knows Minho is nothing like this and would never say such a thing to Han’s face but he can't help himself overthink it.
As he silently waits for what might happen, and to his surprise Minho does get up. Han quickly lifts his head, his eyes making contact with Minho’s. Instead of seeing disgust he sees a calm but also scared expression on his face. He can tell Minho is biting back the tears, his bottom lip tinted red from him biting down, suppressing all of his emotions and his eyes slightly watery.
Minho holds out his hand, trembling slightly. “Come on, let's clean it up” his voice breaks but yet still calm, just letting those words out confirm how serious the situation is and it is really scaring Minho. Jisung hesitates, staring down at the floor as he fidgets with his fingers.
MInho places his hand on top of his rubbing soothing circles on his knuckles. “I won't look if you don't want me to but we need to clean it..please Jisung” His words almost desperate. Jisung moves his hand to link with Minho’s as he slowly sits up. Minho’s other hand helping him to stand up fully.
They slowly and carefully walk towards the bathroom. Minho’s eyes stay forward, refusing to look at the boy's thigh. Afraid of what he might see. Jisung seems to notice, tightening their hold. “It's ok” Jisung looks up into his Hyungs eyes. “I- I’ll be ok..” He tries to comfort him, his words coming out shaky.
“Fuck, why are you comforting me? I should be the one comforting you..” Minho says as he slowly puts Jisung down, sitting him on top of the toilet lid. He swallows hard as he slowly kneels on his knee. “Can I…can I see?..”
Jisung slowly nods as he stays silent, embracing himself for Minho's reaction. His hands gripping on the side of the toilet. Minho slowly adverts his eyes from Jisungs eyes to his thigh, he lets out a choke gasp at the sight.
The blood is dried up now, slightly clogged at where the cuts lay. Stopping anymore blood from spilling down and risking more danger. The blood is chunky and…gross. It looks gross. But Minho tries not to show any discomfort, he's trying his best to be strong for Jisung, he needs him and so he is going to be here for him.
Minho gets up off of his knees and gives Jisungs hand a tight squeeze before looking in the cupboards for a medkit. He soon spots the red and white bag before pulling it down and taking it over to where Jisung is. He opens it and rummages through, looking for disinfectant and bandages.
He finds exactly what he needs, he rips open the packaging for the alcohol wipe and warns Jisung beforehand, his voice soft. “This will sting”
Jisung just nods in response before bracing himself. It couldn't be that bad right? I mean he already slit cuts into his thigh, that's gotta be worse-
He stands corrected as he flinches back and winces. Minho immediately stops to look up at Jisung, worry in his eyes. “Are you okay?”
“Uh- yea, just surprised me” His voice comes out croaky, most likely from the crying earlier. Minho nods and continues to wipe at the cuts, this time a lot slower and not as harsh in fear of hurting Jisung again.
Once he's done with that and places some band-aids over it, the last thing to do is bandage it. Jisung shifts a bit off of the toilet seat so Minho is able to bandage around the thighs. The silence is comforting to Jisung, he's not being interrogated. He's just being taken care of and it feels nice.
Minho stands up after tucking the bandage and holds out his hand again for Jisung to grab. Which he does and Minho pulls him into a hug. Jisung can feel Minho's heart quickening, god he can't even imagine how scared Minho must have been to see Jisung in this state and he knows that after everything that had happened he shouldn't be feeling guilty but he can't help but feel sympathy for Minho. He also can't help but admire how strong and calm Minho was able to stay during it all.
They stay like this for a while, Jisungs head in Minho's neck as they continue to stay silent. Neither of them daring to speak, but it's not uncomfortable. It's quite the opposite actually. They both feel comforted.
Jisung knows he's going to have to tell Minho what happened and Minho knows he's going to have to ask but right now isn't the time, they just want to stay like this for a little longer, in each other's arms.