Work Text:
“Ever thought of getting your own place, Tsukumo?” Yagami asked. He and Tsukumo were eating dinner at Yokohama 99. There’d been a lull in cases in Kamurocho, Yagami figured he could stay in Ijincho for a while, help the younger detectives with some case work and spend time at the various clubs at Seiryo High now that school was back in session.
Ranpo was at the agency now more than ever since Amasawa was in university, not that either Tsukumo or Sugiura minded. Sugiura sent updates to her and she sent toys and treats she thought Ranpo would love. It even got Tsukumo out of the agency more; he’d go with Yagami on walks if the older man was over, even frequently took more of his own ventures out if the weather was nicer.
“My own place?” Tsukumo asked. He popped a piece of sushi in his mouth, chewed on it thoughtfully. “This is my own place, Yagami-shi. Why would I need another?”
“Well, I know for a fact that a couch isn’t always comfortable or good for your back or neck,” Yagami laughed, looked at Tsukumo. He was shorter, so the couch probably suited him just fine, though Sugiura sometimes sent pictures to Yagami of Tsukumo asleep in his chair. One time Tsukumo even let Yagami sit down in the seat; it was pretty comfortable. “I figured it might be nice if you had a bed.”
“I don’t need a bed,” Tsukumo said. He couldn’t really remember the last time he slept in a proper bed. He had a pillow and a blanket he used for sleep during his time at Mantai, it suited him just fine. Besides, he normally slept in his chair anyway; it reclined. Yagami stared at Tsukumo, the corner of his lip twitching. “Yagami-shi, it’s me. If you have something to say, I’ll listen.”
“I think you need a bed,” Yagami stated. Tsukumo stared at him. They’d been dating for a few weeks, though nothing really went on between them. They talked a lot, Yagami dropped by now and then, but with both of them busy with detective work, it didn’t leave a lot of time to do much together.
The most exciting thing they did recently was walk Ranpo together, Yagami finding a small alleyway to pull Tsukumo into so he could kiss the younger detective. Tsukumo was very inexperienced and Ranpo’s constant barking ruined the moment.
“Really?” Tsukumo was unenthused. “You get a place if you have such carnal desires, Yagami-shi. I’m sorry I’m not satisfying you enough.”
Yagami’s eyes widened.
“That’s not what I meant!” he exclaimed. “Tsukumo, I know that you’re practical, but I worry that you’re going to hurt yourself long term because you only go for the minimal needs. I don’t think it’s good to sleep where you work.”
Tsukumo grabbed another piece of sushi.
“I think it’s hard for me to take you seriously when you also live out of your office,” he said.
“Do you think I can afford both an office and an apartment? I would if I could, but work sucks right now,” Yagami explained. Tsukumo was always thinking and very open; he listened to everyone no matter what their opinion was, so why he was getting so easily upset, the older man didn’t know. “I just think it’d be better for you if you weren’t constantly at the computer, always looking into things and keeping your head in casework.”
Tsukumo’s nose was flaring, but his breathing told Yagami he was trying to calm down. Mad Tsukumo was scary because it rarely happened.
“I’m not saying it because I’m hoping for sex,” Yagami concluded. He rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. Sex would be great, but he wasn’t looking for anything. He and Tsukumo had talked about it before; Tsukumo needed enough time to do adequate research and prepare himself physically, mentally, and emotionally. It seemed like a lot, but Tsukumo was a lot, and Yagami found it charming when it came to the other man.
“Then what are you hoping for?” Tsukumo had finished eating. There were still several sushi rolls and Yagami knew that both of them had lost their appetites. If he’d known he’d be opening Pandora’s box, he would’ve kept his mouth shut. When Tsukumo got into heated arguments, he played to win.
“I’m hoping for you to relax and not be so wrapped up in work, apps, or anything else that’s constantly plaguing your mind,” Yagami explained. “I’m happy you’re so dedicated, and I love how your mind works, but I just don’t think you need the weight of the world taking it over.”
“Are you really the one to be telling me this?” Tsukumo narrowed his eyes.
“It’s because I get it that I’m telling you this,” Yagami said simply. He was tired already and it was barely night. “I don’t want you to be like me. I know that you’re doing all this because you and Sugiura-kun can make a big difference, and I know you both say you look up to me, but you need to be you, Makoto.”
Tsukumo rarely heard his name; Yagami used it once when they first met, way back years ago. He had smiled at the younger man, told him it meant sincerity and that it was fitting. Tsukumo, who had shut himself away from the outside for so long, was moved that not only did this handsome new detective speak so kindly to a wretch such as him, but also viewed him so positively.
Tsukumo felt like every good thing in his life now was because Yagami couldn’t let sleeping dogs lie; he thought Tsukumo deserved more and encouraged him to finally leave his apartment. Not because he wanted Tsukumo to change, but because he wanted more for him. And in Tsukumo’s mind, he had everything now.
Except not a good place to live, according to Yagami.
“I’ll think about it,” Tsukumo said.
Yagami didn’t hear from him three days later. Yagami was busy helping out some of the clubs at Seiryo High, so it’s not like he himself wasn’t busy. The Mystery Research Club was handed off to Kento, who was trying his best to keep it together for Kyoko’s sake. Jun had joined in almost immediately, fit in surprisingly well and had already befriended the new president. Yagami and Jun did their best to make sure Kento had it all under control.
“I want to make Kyoko proud,” Kento said. He, Jun, and Yagami were sitting at the table of the club room. “I’m not a great detective, or even good at that kind of thing at all, but I’ve been around and know exactly what Kyoko-chan would do!”
“And she’s very proud that you’re stepping up, Amasawa-kun,” Yagami smiled. Kento was very laid back, mostly stuck around in the past to make sure no one tried to mess with his sister. She came off strong, but she just wanted the best for Kento, and Kento wanted her to be able to follow her dreams.
“Don’t worry senpai, I’ve been on a few cases before with Yokohama 99,” Jun added. “Not to brag or anything, but I have a nose for this kind of thing. Anything happening in this school, I can be on top of it.”
He and Mikiko had moved to Ijincho a few weeks back; it was more quiet and had an atmosphere more suited to their lifestyle. Kaito didn’t even mind traveling at all; he dropped by Yokohama 99 to help when he could, and his relationship with both Jun and Mikiko actually improved. It wasn’t perfect, but it seemed more organic and loving. They all looked forward to Kaito being over.
“Ah, yes. The Rabbit Detective will get to the bottom of any mystery,” Kento teased. Despite his delinquency in school, Jun’s grades had been good and he was accepted into Seiryo High last minute. He was hesitant to consider stepping into the dance club, but Yagami found him lurking around one day and invited him in; the members accepted the teen immediately. Jun thrived in the dance club.
“Hey, at least I have experience,” Jun shrugged his shoulders. Most days when he came into the club, Kento was nose deep in manga or some video game. Jun could barely believe he was a third year student with such a laid back attitude toward the club, but he wasn’t about to judge Kento, his first friend in a new school and city; he reminded him of Kaito in some ways, and he turned out to be a good man.
“Let’s not start a fight here,” Yagami grinned. He was happy to see Jun getting used to the school and making friends. He got up, figured he was good to leave for the day.
“Are you going, Yagami-san?” Jun asked.
“Yeah. I think you both are fine here, I should probably think of what I’m going to have for dinner,” Yagami had no more real ties to Seiryo High, but the faculty accepted that he was actually boosting the morale of students, so the chairman gave him permission to stick around. Still, Yagami knew eventually, he’d have to let go and let the school thrive on its own.
“I’ll come too!” Jun jumped up, looked over at Kento. “Uh, you good by yourself, senpai?”
“Yeah, you go ahead, Sadamoto-kun. I should probably do some studying,” Kento said. Jun’s eyes widened, and even Yagami was shocked. “Oh, come on, have some faith in me! Now’s when I need to really think about my future. I’m sure Kyoko-chan will give me an earful if I’m kept back; that’s scarier than anything else.”
“Wow, you’re really becoming a man, Amasawa-kun,” Yagami stated. He meant it, too. Before, Kento would just take Kyoko’s scolding and never learn from it, but now he was at least working toward bettering himself even if the motivation was just to avoid trouble. It was a start.
The two left, started making their way to leave the school. Jun seemed so much happier than Yagami had previously seen him. He knew Jun had a talk some time back with Kaito and Mikiko; Kaito mentioned it, told the detective he was proud that Jun could speak his mind so clearly, and how he felt like a bad guy for ignoring the problem for so long that it took a horribly upset teenager to make things right again.
“I’m happy to see you thriving, Sadamoto-kun,” Yagami said. Jun looked at him. For all his street smarts and know-how, he was just a cute kid that had seen too much tragedy. Despite it, he was trying to pull himself and his mother back up so they could mend their broken hearts.
“I’m happy to see you thriving, Yagami-san,” Jun repeated. “Sugiura-san told me you were an outside councilor and helped out a lot of the clubs, but I didn’t get how much you meant to everyone until I saw how happy the dance club and Amasawa-senpai was just by your presence.”
“Well, you know, I just try and help where I can,” Yagami knew he was good at helping others, but he always felt awkward taking compliments. Like if he agreed he’d sound too cocky, but if he denied it because he didn’t think he made too big of a difference, it would seem like he didn’t believe in himself. He went for staying quiet because he never knew how to respond.
“Yeah, but you just seem happier in general,” Jun continued. “Not just here, in Kamurocho too. I know it was hard when Kaito-san wasn’t stepping up, and you just seemed so lost and tired. Lately I guess you just give off this vibe like you’re happy in general.”
“Vibe?” Yagami asked. “You’ve definitely been spending too much time with Sugiura-kun.”
But he supposed Jun was onto something. Yagami felt like he went from the Mikoshiba case right into his whole ordeal with Kaito. He’d barely had time to process everything that happened during his time in Ijincho when his partner, the man he’d trusted for over twenty years, just decided to pack up to play family without so much of a word. And Yagami wanted Kaito’s happiness, thought he deserved it after the shit he’d been through, but he felt completely abandoned and left to handle everything.
He felt horrible and selfish; he turned to Tsukumo even more in that time. They’d always kept in contact, but Yagami needed someone he could depend on, and the younger man had never let him down. Of course when Kaito decided to play hookey, cases came piling in. They were never anything beyond Yagami, but it was nice to end a case and just talk it over with his partner, go out for drinks and laugh at the absurdities that plagued Kamurocho.
He was getting that back again. Yagami thought when Kaito told him Mikiko and Jun were moving, the man would just be gone again to pick up the pieces, but he seemed fired up about it instead. Like he had a challenge and he would move heaven and earth to be a better man for these two people in his life that he cared for.
Tsukumo fell to the wayside after it was all said and done. He didn’t need much, even sometimes seemed to prefer his own company, but Yagami also knew Tsukumo was trying his hardest to get past his own bad habits and better himself. Tsukumo was proud of his work and he wanted to be the best person he could be, as the owner of Yokohama 99.
Because of it, Yagami wanted the best for Tsukumo. He felt bad that he couldn’t do more for him, after all the time and energy Tsukumo gave to Yagami in his time of need. It’s why he was trying to push for Tsukumo to do more for himself; Yagami lived in his office, and he hated being surrounded by things that reminded him of work.
He loved being a detective; even when Mafuyu and Genda insisted being a lawyer would work out better, he knew his place was to get to the truth and help people in that way. But he knew it was also unhealthy to always be around your work. Tsukumo was smart, always finding ways to improve systems that didn’t work, or find clever little ways to help solve cases, but Yagami knew that his brain couldn’t run like that forever. One day he’d burn out.
Yagami knew that place all too well.
But he also knew Tsukumo couldn’t be pushed into anything. As much as Yagami cared and wanted better for him, the other man had to be on board as well. It took two months before Tsukumo had finally left his apartment without prompting; Yagami would stop by several times a week, stayed with Tsukumo as he slowly made his way outside. They’d walk together, Yagami talking about whatever would keep Tsukumo’s attention on him so that the other man wouldn’t get distracted and overwhelmed by everything around him.
Yagami never wanted to overstep anyone’s boundaries, but he knew Tsukumo had trouble seeing beyond himself in terms of what he needed. He was a genius when it came to pushing the limitations of technology and improving on it, but when it came to his own well-being, Tsukumo thought that if it was good enough, he didn’t need more.
“Yagami-san!” Yagami felt someone take his hand, pull him back. He came back down to earth, looked around. He looked at Jun, panic on the boy’s face. “Yagami-san, are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Yagami had almost crossed the street without even looking to see if he was okay to go. “Sorry Sadamoto-kun. I’m glad you were here.”
“I am too,” Jun clutched his heart and took a deep breath. “How could I explain to Sugiura-san and Kaito-san that you got into a traffic accident on my watch?”
The light turned, and the two continued on their way. They were close to Jun and Mikiko’s apartment.
“It’s not your job to keep me safe, Sadamoto-kun,” Yagami said. He smiled as they got to the apartment building. “It’s your job to do well in school and to be the best junior detective and dancer you can be.”
“And keep the bullies from harassing others!” Jun flexed his muscles, a grin on his face. Yagami laughed; even if this wasn’t Kaito’s kid, Jun definitely had taken all of his mother’s diary entries to heart. He would definitely keep Seiryo High safe and hopefully be able to keep the younger Amasawa in check, make sure the Mystery Research Club would prosper. “Will you be okay by yourself, Yagami-san?”
“I’ll be fine. I just lost the plot for a bit,” Yagami smiled, hoped it was convincing enough for Jun not to feel like he had to stay and be a bodyguard. “Say hi to Mikiko-san for me?”
“Yeah,” Jun didn’t look like he bought Yagami’s words for a minute, but he waved and turned to get back home. Tough kid to fool, but it was better that way in the long run that he be able to read people so well.
Yagami checked his phone; three messages from Sugiura.
Sugiura - 11:26am: What did you say to Tsukumo-kun the other day? He’s been all moody and not his usual, happy self since you guys had that romantic dinner. It’s like a flip switched and he’s been down, now he’s cleaning the office. WTF!!!
Sugiura - 1:14pm: I know you’re busy, but please talk to Tsukumo-kun whenever you have a chance. I don’t know what happened, and I know you’re probably giving him time or something, just make up PLEASE. He nearly threw away all the Koro-nyan plushies you got for me to decorate the office with. 🙁
Sugiura - 3:12pm: I promise I’ll stop bugging you because I know the clubs are important to you, but I’m going shopping once I’m done with this case I’m on, so if there’s any food you want me to get, let me know. 🙂
Yagami chuckled. Sugiura was kind enough to let Yagami stay with him while he stayed in Ijincho; the man insisted Yagami not spend a dime, which the older detective was grateful for. He grabbed his skateboard and hopped on, going as fast as he could over to the agency.
When he got in, Tsukumo was lying on the couch asleep. It was the only time Yagami had seen him without the glasses and he thought Tsukumo looked really good with his hair out of his face and no glasses for once. He never felt like the man was unattractive, and Yagami had to admit he had a thing for glasses, but seeing Tsukumo with his hair back just hit different.
Yagami sat on the chair across from the couch. He didn’t want to wake the other man; if he went on a cleaning spree, he wasn’t having a good time.
Yagami looked around, noticed the Koro-nyan plushies all sitting on Sugiura’s desk, a trashbag thrown haphazardly on the floor. Tsukumo usually had respect for all of Sugiura’s things, even commented how sweet it was of Yagami to always get them decorations for the office, so he was likely just moving in a flurry and not thinking about it.
Definitely not normal Tsukumo behavior. The man was generally three steps ahead of everything.
Yagami grabbed his phone, decided it would be the right thing to respond to Sugiura so that the man didn’t worry.
Yagami, 3:37pm: Back at Yokohama 99, Tsukumo’s sleeping, we’ll talk when he wakes up. Sorry he’s been upset. Do you mind picking up stuff for omurice?
Sugiura replied almost immediately.
Sugiura, 3:39pm: Well, whatever lover’s quarrel you had, I know you can make it better. Dude looks up to you so much. I’ll pick up the stuff for omurice; I’ve been getting pretty good at cooking, so I’ll knock your socks off with Sugiura’s Omurice Special. Made with a lot of love!!!
Yagami smiled. He never had siblings, but Sugiura was probably the closest thing he’d ever have to a little brother. He was quite astute; Yagami nor Tsukumo ever said anything to Sugiura, but Tsukumo had mentioned him questioning their relationship. It was never quite a date, but Sugiura seemed to have known since the carnival that something was up. Yagami wasn’t quite sure what it was either, but he knew that part of him wanted it to be a date, just a little. He just didn’t want to put that kind of pressure on Tsukumo and he himself always felt like a relationship was beyond him. He had too much baggage and guilt, he didn’t know if it could ever be in him to truly love anyone fully. He wanted to, but most of the time he felt like he just couldn’t be that vulnerable with anyone no matter how much he wanted to be. It felt like so many people just wanted him to be better, but they could never understand how deep his pain, hurt, regret, and guilt truly ran.
It always felt more like anyone would try and fix Yagami rather than let him be who he was, accept him and all the shit he had unfortunately been through. He tried to work through it, but it was just a part of him at this point.
Sugiura - 3:41pm: Oh, and Higashi-san’s coming over too! I let him stay with me when he’s in town, so hope you like even more room mates! 😀
Yagami smiled and put his phone away. He and Higashi were getting better. It still wasn’t perfect, but Higashi seemed to be a lot more personable over the past couple of months, didn’t spit venom or act like Yagami was the scum of the earth anymore. Maybe having a second arcade and staying with Sugiura more changed him, though Yagami was sure Sugiura likely annoyed the other man after too long. He enjoyed Sugiura’s presence, thought he was quick and funny, but Higashi was sensitive and Sugiura was good at getting under someone’s skin, whether on purpose or by mistake.
“Yagami-shi?” Tsukumo had woken up. Yagami looked over at him, watched the other man take his hair out of his tight ponytail. Tsukumo re-tied his hair into its usual looser hold. “What’re you doing here?”
“Sugiura-kun asked me to come here,” Yagami said. He planned to give Tsukumo the space he needed; whatever made him mad, Yagami wanted to give him time to process it. He looked at the desk. “He said you nearly threw out his plushies.”
“Oh,” Tsukumo put his glasses back on, looked at Sugiura’s desk as well. “I was in a rush, it didn’t even register as his stuff. I’m a horrible friend, I thought he was going to lose it when he saw them in the trash. He cleaned all of them, but I heard him crying at the sink. He was trying to be quiet, but I know when my best friend is hurting.”
“Oh no,” Sugiura only cried if it was bad. Yagami didn’t know if it was the thought of losing something he cared about, or that it was Tsukumo nearly disposing of the things he cared about, but now Yagami knew why Sugiura was practically begging him to fix it. “Hey, I’m sorry about the other night. I have a feeling it’s what put you in a cleaning mood.”
Tsukumo looked at the older man.
“Getting an apartment is a big thing and not just something you can decide to do out of nowhere,” Yagami continued. “You and Sugiura-kun have only started to really get into the flow of the agency, but you’ve been working hard to get it going over the past few years. I can’t throw a wrench in it out of nowhere and be surprised when it doesn’t go over well.”
Tsukumo sighed, looked over at Sugiura’s desk again. He looked around the whole office. Despite the agency only having been around for nearly a year now, it took so much planning prior, a lot of talking to people and getting a feel for the city, not to mention going through all of the paperwork and making money to get it all started. It’s why the pair just kind of left; tornado Tsukumo took over and hurricane Sugiura went with him.
“I’m not comfortable having an apartment that I could possibly fall apart in again,” Tsukumo said. Yagami was his friend, hell, even more than that. Tsukumo knew he had gone overboard at dinner, got upset for what was just an innocent suggestion. He could keep it to himself, but Yagami would understand him all too well; he had been the one to help Tsukumo put his life together again. “When you got me out of my apartment years ago, I promised myself it wouldn’t happen again.”
“What wouldn’t happen again?” Yagami asked.
“Yagami-shi, come on,” Tsukumo thought Yagami was very smart and astute, but sometimes he was just kind of dumb about things. It was cute because Yagami had such a good brain, but it also got frustrating when the man couldn’t use his brain to put simple things together. Tsukumo sighed. “I’m not about to give myself the chance to stress out over everything and lock myself away again. I’m just starting to see how nice Ijincho can be.”
“You think you’d do that?” Yagami questioned. It didn’t occur to him that Tsukumo would even consider he could fall back into being a shut-in. He’d gotten so far, turned his life around and had done so much. “Tsukumo, you have an agency and friends that love and care for you. You think you could fall back into that pit again?”
“Yes,” Tsukumo replied. “You understand it, Yagami-shi. Living in a world that you’re not quite sure can even be for you but doing your best to manage despite it. It’s precisely having the agency and friends that could push me. I love my life, but it’s very stressful trying to work it all out and not teeter over the edge. I could see myself getting comfortable, deciding to just take a little time off, and then it spilling over and turning into me never leaving the place. I’m scared I’ll go right back to who I was if I don’t have my work with me to stay on track. It keeps the thoughts at bay.”
Yagami did understand. Every day he fought just jumping into a big hole of regret and letting his sadness and fear consume him. He never knew Tsukumo felt like that; he always seemed so happy and in his element, though Yagami also knew what a farce that could be. Tsukumo had moved into Mantai after months of Yagami helping him to get out of the apartment little by little, and he had almost immediately offered to help Yagami on the technological side of things for the agency. Yagami just couldn’t see that Tsukumo worked so tirelessly to stop himself from going back to the place he’d been in for so much of his life.
Yagami moved to sit next to Tsukumo. He watched him for a moment before carefully placing a hand on his shoulder. Tsukumo was tense, but he relaxed into the touch. He was not used to opening up about anything; he preferred to help others with their problems rather than delve into his own.
“I didn’t know it was such an issue,” Yagami murmured.
“I don’t like to talk about it,” Tsukumo said. “I’d like to think I’ve gotten a lot better since then. I never would have imagined that this is where I’d end up when I hired you all those years ago. But sometimes I think if given the chance, it wouldn’t be hard to just crawl back into the darkness. The only thing stopping me right now is that there’s nowhere to crawl.”
“Sugiura-kun would drag you out screaming,” Yagami laughed. He thought levity could lighten the mood, not that he was trying to make light of the very real fear Tsukumo had. “If I knew, I wouldn’t have fought you about it. I just don’t want you aching at my age because you sleep on couches daily.”
“I know it’s because you care, Yagami-shi. I was being defensive because I didn’t want to think about it,” Tsukumo explained. “You aren’t wrong; it would be nice to have a place to just lie down and take up however much space I want.”
“And Sugiura-kun can’t keep housing all of us when we visit. His place is only so big,” Yagami added. Yagami only slept at Sugiura’s apartment, the younger man himself was at work most of the time, and even Higashi probably only needed a futon when he was in, but three grown men in one tiny apartment seemed like it would get cramped quickly.
“Maybe one day I will leave my comfort zone and get my own place,” Tsukumo stated. “Just give me time, Yagami-shi.”
Yagami smiled.
“You have all the time in the world. I don’t want to rule your life; I really do just want you happy and healthy,” he said. “And I want you to always tell me if something’s bothering you, because I’m not a mind reader and I can’t know everything.”
“And you don’t want me to be you,” Tsukumo laughed.
“I… I just want you to do things your way,” Yagami didn’t want anyone to be like him, least of all Tsukumo. Yagami had lost too much and became too jaded to want anyone to think of following in his footsteps. Yagami poked his nose where it didn’t belong and was a magnet for trouble, he wanted this pure man to be himself and be safe.
Yagami felt like he’d already gotten Tsukumo too involved in the dark side of their work. It was only a matter of time before they’d figure out Kuwana was behind Mikoshiba’s murder and everything that went with it. Yokohama 99 suffered because Yagami had gotten in too deep again. And despite it, Sugiura and Tsukumo got even more fired up despite their injuries. They barely took any time for themselves before they got right back into the game. Despite Tsukumo’s pain, fear, and trauma, he was ready to help Yagami.
And he knew despite such a betrayal, Tsukumo had still done what he could for Kuwana without any complaint. Because Yagami asked him to. Tsukumo talked a lot to Yagami, but he never brought up how he felt about how things played out, not that Yagami ever asked. But he knew it must’ve been hard that someone Tsukumo trusted had initiated an attack on them. All because he hoped it would cause them to back off. Like everything else, Kuwana didn’t seem to even care for the consequences as long as he got his fucked up sense of justice.
Yagami preferred when Tsukumo was safe at Mantai working diligently behind that screen and never having anything bad happen to him. He didn’t want anything happening to anyone he cared about, but it felt like everyone else knew what they were signing up for; Yagami couldn’t forget the fear in Tsukumo’s voice when they had returned to Yokohama 99. Tsukumo sat in the dark for who knows how long, hurt and scared, nothing to do but sit alone with his thoughts and watch Sugiura's body. Yagami didn’t care what happened to him, but his biggest fear was always that his actions caused others to get hurt.
He wondered if Tsukumo felt more overwhelmed now than ever, having had a taste of the dangers Yagami faced. And Yagami knew Tsukumo felt strongly about what he and Sugiura were doing, not that he’d ever even think to talk Tsukumo out of his new role. He understood how important it was, and he knew how much helping others meant to Tsukumo.
He just hated knowing that he had contributed to Tsukumo’s underlying fear of going back to his past self. Tsukumo would never admit it, and the thought might not even ever occur to him, but Yagami knew that whether he ever meant to or not, he was always putting others at risk.
And it was something that would always haunt him.
But he knew he couldn’t treat Tsukumo like some kid. He had always seen the man as an equal even when they met and Tsukumo was clearly embarrassed over his situation. Yagami saw past it and just saw a man that needed someone on his side, even well past the case. People like him were the reason Yagami became a detective. But as safe as he wanted to keep Tsukumo, he had to let the man do what was best for himself. He saw light in Tsukumo, but he couldn’t let it blind him. Tsukumo was not some delicate flower that would just wilt.
He threw an arm around the other man and pressed the side of his head against Tsukumo’s, closed his eyes and relaxed. He never felt like he could be vulnerable, but maybe this was as close to it as he could get.
“If you ever got to be too much like me, I’m not sure how I’d feel,” he admitted. If Tsukumo could admit he was scared of going back to his old ways of being a shut-in, Yagami could admit his true fears as well. “I don’t even want to be me most of the time, but I know if I weren’t me, I couldn’t do what I do.”
“If you weren’t you, I couldn’t be me,” Tsukumo said. “I don’t want to be you, Yagami-shi. You inspire me, and I learned so much from you. I just want to be an ideal person who can use their wits to get to the bottom of the truth. You’ve done so much to help me, and I want you to see how far I’ve come so that you can know what a good man you are.”
“I’m not ideal,” Yagami stated. It hurt. Before when he and Kaito first came into Yokohama 99, it felt odd but nice that Tsukumo and Sugiura had looked up to him so much that they tried to make the office kind of like his. As they grew into their roles of being detectives, Yagami noticed them both shifting more into their own style and people.
Tsukumo had admitted once that he felt responsible for Sawa’s death; if he hadn’t called Yagami and Kaito in to help them investigate the bullying case, perhaps things would have played out differently and she would have been fine. Yagami knew that hurt and guilt, told Tsukumo that neither of them saw it that way at all. Tsukumo seemed relieved, but Yagami wondered if he really believed it.
“You think too highly of me, Tsukumo,” Yagami felt blessed to have someone like Tsukumo look at him and always see a positive. Lord knows Yagami had made mistakes in his life, but Tsukumo still chose to look past it and treat Yagami so well all the time. Sometimes he got obsessive, but Yagami would take Tsukumo’s weird quirks any day of the week if it meant he could be the recipient of that smile and all of the younger man’s kind words. “I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve someone like you.”
“You’re the light in my darkness, Yagami-shi,” Tsukumo said. “Even at my worst, you chose to see past it and treat me with kindness. You took time out of your every day to come back for me, simply because you wanted a better life for me even if I couldn’t see any bright future for myself. You chose to believe in me when I couldn’t do it for myself, and I believe in you because you need someone on your side even when you don’t believe in yourself.”
And there it was. Another of Yagami’s problems; he had felt so alone. Sleeping in that little office, a pathetic little couch that was too small for Yagami and his big thoughts to lay comfortably on every night. He didn’t think he could handle turning his back on detective work this far in, but he had to admit being a lawyer came with perks, like a consistent paycheck that meant he could afford his own apartment and everything that came with it. But he was helping people and being in a stuffy office following protocols over his own morals just would have killed him one day.
It nearly did.
“Thank you,” Yagami felt like he should say more, but nothing was coming to him. When Tsukumo had finally found his new home in Mantai six months after he’d met Yagami, he asked the man what he could do for him. Yagami had always gone to Tsukumo for all his technological needs for cases, and in return he ran any physical errands Tsukumo asked of him, though it was mostly to get Tsukumo figurines or food if it was something he couldn’t get delivered.
Yagami always tried to let Tsukumo know how much he appreciated him because truly, he felt blessed. Tsukumo had never tried to change Yagami, tell him what he should do or how to feel. He accepted the man in whatever state he was in. He was getting better at challenging Yagami these days, but sometimes it was just nice to have someone who didn’t try to deter Yagami from what he knew he needed to do.
“And if you ever do fall down that hole, I’ll be right after you to get us out,” Yagami murmured.
“You're quite the romantic, Yagami-shi,” Tsukumo stated.
“Gotta keep it fresh,” Yagami grinned. He laughed, had a stupid memory. “It’s hard to really top that Haruka-chan inspired dance video that got us here.”
“Yagami-shi!” Tsukumo’s voice cracked. Yagami laughed as he pressed a kiss to the side of Tsukumo’s head. His hair smelled great and it was actually soft and nice.
“Agreed. My version was better,” Yagami whispered into the younger man’s ear. Tsukumo wanted to melt into the couch. Yagami laughed and pressed his cheek against the top of Tsukumo’s head. His height was perfect for Yagami. “Hey, you should come over to Sugiura’s for dinner.”
“Yagami-shi, no. He’ll never shut up about it if we go to his place together for dinner,” Tsukumo groaned. Sugiura basically knew, but Tsukumo kept his mouth shut. He wasn’t embarrassed, but Sugiura just seemed too happy and something about it just felt embarrassing. But Tsukumo also had never had a friendship as close and loving as his was with Sugiura, either.
“Come on, Higashi’s gonna be there too. Just a bunch of friends having a good time. Sugiura will be cool about it,” Yagami argued. He wanted Tsukumo there having fun with them. Yagami missed out on the party after the Mikoshiba case; he was preoccupied on what had occurred at the end of everything.
But he could be happy. He wasn’t sure he could ever bare his soul to Tsukumo, show him that depth of pain and darkness, but he could slowly open to the man, let himself out a little more slowly. And maybe one day, he could learn to be a little vulnerable around someone else.
“Fine, I’ll go. A home-cooked meal does sound good; Sugiura-shi’s been cooking more and more. He makes me bentos sometimes, they’re good,” Tsukumo explained.
“Bento?” Yagami looked up in thought. “Hmm, I wonder if he makes one for Higashi too, when he’s over. But I feel like Higashi wouldn’t accept it. He’s too proud and would probably argue about it, accuse Sugiura of not thinking he could make himself a healthy meal.”
Tsukumo laughed as Yagami grabbed his phone.
Yagami - 4:30pm: Tsukumo’s coming over for dinner too.
Sugiura - 4:33pm: Oh you made up, good! Great! I’ll go get more eggs. Before you leave, remember to walk Ranpo. Oh, actually, just bring him too. Higashi-san loves dogs. 🙂
Yagami laughed. He also couldn’t see Higashi liking dogs either, although he didn’t seem to mind cats that much. Yagami felt like Higashi was like a cat in a human’s body. Sleek, proud, but also willing to attack you even when all you’re doing is trying to show it kindness. Truthfully, Yagami liked that side of Higashi. It showed his depth.
“He wants us to bring Ranpo,” Yagami said. He smiled and got up, offering a hand to Tsukumo. Tsukumo took his hand, got up himself and stretched. “Sugiura needs to go grab some more food, but if we go now, I think we’ll get there by the time he’s back.”
“Okay,” Tsukumo replied. They walked over to Ranpo, Yagami putting the dog’s leash on. They left the agency, stepping into the cool Spring air. They started making their way to Sugiura’s apartment. “Yagami-shi.”
“Yeah?” Yagami looked over at the younger man.
“Thank you for listening to me. I feel embarrassed sometimes about how low I got in the past, how long I’d stayed there. I don’t really like to talk about how easy it sometimes feels that I could slip back into who I was. But you are a good listener, and it’s nice because you understand,” Tsukumo explained.
Yagami threw his arm around the man’s shoulders. Tsukumo was not a touchy person, but neither was Yagami. They were an exception for each other.
“You’re special to me, Tsukumo,” Yagami said. “You’re always here for me and you always have been, especially when I needed you the most. So no matter what’s bothering you, I’ll listen.”
Tsukumo looked around, pulled Yagami into an alley and leaned up, kissing him. It was a rare time when Ranpo was being a good dog and not screaming his lungs out. Yagami threw an arm around Tsukumo, deepening the kiss. It felt good.
Tsukumo smiled when they pulled away. He seemed more confident and light, Yagami wondered how long Tsukumo had been thinking about his fears of going back to who he was. Yagami was confident in Tsukumo, knew he wouldn’t turn away from who he was now even if Tsukumo feared it could happen; he had too much love for Ijincho and too many human attachments to really leave forever.
And if it did ever happen, Yagami would be there every time to steer him back toward the light.