Chapter Text
“Finnegan and Ziva come down for breakfast or you’ll be late for school!” Beatrice yelled as she continued packing the kids' lunches. “Ava, darling, could you check on the kids?”
“Can do, baby. I’ll bring down your bag as well so you don’t have to get up to grab it.”
Ava was about to go up when Bea stopped her and kissed her cheek, “Thanks, darling.”
“You’re welcome.”
Ava walked through the hallway of their house, up to the stairs, past the wall that has their pictures, and through the kids’ room. She saw them huddled in a corner.
“Yo kids what’s going on? You know mum doesn’t like it when we rush.”
“AHHHHH” Ziva yelled. “Mama don’t look.”
“We’re just making something quick, mama, we’re almost done.” Finn explained.
“Well whatever that is will have to wait. You two need to eat.” Ava looked at her watch before continuing, “Like now.”
“Okay, mama, close your eyes so we can hide it.” Ziva said.
Ava knows there is no point in arguing so she just placed her hands on her eyes while she heard some rustling in the background of the kids hiding their project.
“Okay, we’re good!” Finn mentioned while tugging on Ava’s elbow.
“Okay, let’s go down. Come on, quickly.” Ava said as she herded them out of the door.
The Silvas did get out of the house in time and no one was late for school or work. The kids have after school activities and so neither Ava or Bea needed to go home early to pick them up. After work Bea picked up the kids first and then picked up Ava, like their family always does. When they got home, the twins went straight to their rooms without saying anything to their parents except “We’re going upstairs!”
Bea looked to Ava as if to ask what’s happening.
“Oh, yeah, with the rush of this morning I didn’t have time to tell you. Whatever is happening right now is why the twins were running late this morning. They are doing something that we cannot see.” Ava said that last part while pointing to herself and Beatrice.
“Odd. Did you get to see what they were doing?” Bea asked her wife.
“A glimpse. It’s some sort of art project. Probably one of their collaborations. You know how they are.” Ava said collaboration with air quotes.
“Yeah, I really don’t understand where they got their creativity. It’s not like any of us are artistic.”
“Speak for yourself, baby, do you see my artwork posted on the fridge? Please.” Ava and Bea laughed.
The two started cooking dinner, nothing fancy, just grilled chicken and vegetables. Bea cut the vegetables while Ava grilled the chicken. After they finished, they called the children to dinner. About an hour later, the kids were helping load the dishes to the dishwasher as part of their everyday chores.
“Mama and mum, Ziva and I are going up to do some homework we didn’t get to finish at school.”
“Okay, sounds good, loves. Let us know if you need any help, okay?” Beatrice answered Finnegan.
“Okay, we will!!” The twins started running up the stairs and were out of earshot before Beatrice could tell them not to run.
“Sometimes, I really wonder if they truly don’t have your DNA because how the hell are they so much like you?”
“I’m just a great influence, baby.” Ava laughed.
“So great!” Bea responded sarcastically. “Anyway, I’m going to shower, the building’s AC wasn’t turned on and it was sweltering inside, I actually sweated by just sitting.”
“Sounds good, baby. I’ll queue up some potential movies we can watch.” Bea kissed Ava’s forehead before heading up the stairs.
Beatrice walked through the hallway of their house, up to the stairs, past the wall that had their pictures, and to their room to shower. After her shower, she knocked on the kids’ door even though it was open.
“Come in, mum!” Finn said without looking at the door.
“How did you guys know it was me?”
“Mama never knocks.” Ziva said as matter of factly.
Bea shook her head before continuing, “Well, I just wanted to check in on you guys. How was your day?”
“It was good. We played outside after school since it was nice out.” Finnegan answered.
“Yeah, we played in the playground! Finn and I started a tag game with the others!”
“That’s good. Having friends is good. Are you guys ready to shower?”
“Yep, we were just about to get our jammies.” Ziva said.
“Okay, good. I’ll be downstairs with Mama, okay? Let us know if you need anything.”
The twins nodded.
“I love you Finn and Ziva.” Beatrice hugged her kids and placed a kiss on their cheeks.
“We love you too mum!”
Beatrice started walking back down to the living room where Ava was waiting to watch movies with her. She was almost by the stairs when something happened. She knows every single thing that is hung on this wall but something about the picture caught Beatrice by surprise tonight. She’s walked past this wall so many times over the years. She doesn’t know why tonight was different. Bea’s heartbeat started to beat faster. She kept staring at the picture until her sight started to get blurry from the tears. Bea had to sit down before she could potentially lose her balance and fall to the ground,
“Imara.” Beatrice whispered through tears. “Imara, I miss you.”
“Bea, where are you? It’s been like an hour?” Ava yelled
It’s been 8 years since Ava and Beatrice lost their first kid, Imara. She was only 5 years old. A child. It’s been a while, yes, and they have been living their lives without their first kid. Gone but never forgotten. There will always be a hole in their heart and souls that will never be completely filled by anything in this life. That is reserved for their little girl, Imara. Most of the time that hole is filled with the fond memories they had with their kid, no matter how short of a time it was. But today, Beatrice felt the pain. Like she just lost her all over again.
“Bea? Come on, baby.” Ava yelled from the living room again.
Beatrice wanted to cry loudly, to yell. But she can’t do that, otherwise the twins will know she’s crying and losing it. But all she wanted was someone to remove the unimaginable pain she was in. To remove the guilt, the guilt of why did she get to live but her kid did not. But removing the pain means forgetting about her. At the very least can someone wake her up from this nightmare, to tell her all of this was not real? That when she opens one of the doors, Imara will be there, playing. That she’ll be greeted by the sound of toys. The sound of her laugh echoing through the home. Not by this silent loudness.
She doesn’t know how that was possible. How the car crash just took their daughter but she and Ava were left to live. It was never supposed to be like this. They weren’t supposed to look at small coffins. They weren’t supposed to be looking through their phones for pictures they can use for the funeral. They weren’t supposed to be dressing their daughter in her last outfit. They weren’t supposed to eulogize their daughter. They weren’t supposed to bury their daughter.
But the reality is this: Imara died and they lived. And all they’ve been doing since then is trying to make sense of the world that is so cruel, hard, and unforgiving. Imara died and time stopped moving as they knew it, but at the same time it never stopped. Looking at these school pictures that they have hanging up, Finn and Ziva have surpassed the age of their oldest sibling. But she stayed the same age. She stayed five years old. Her picture stayed the same and it will stay the same. Forever. She will forever be 5 years old. Bea stood up to grab the picture and sat back down again to hug Imara.
“Baby?” Ava’s voice sounds near. As if she was walking towards Bea. Ava was going to make a funny joke about how Bea was just sitting on the stairs when she realized she was crying. “Beatrice, what happened?”
Ava went up the stairs and sat next to Beatrice, holding her tightly.
“Bea, what…” Ava was going to ask again when she realized that the picture of Imara was not on the walls.
“Oh. Beatrice, baby. Let it out. It’s okay.” Ava continued whispering and gently rubbing Bea’s back.
“Ava, I miss our daughter. I miss Imara.” Bea said in between cries.
“Me too, Beatrice, me too. There’s not a day that I don’t think about her, my love.”
“She was so young. So young. She was just a kid. She didn’t deserve it.”
“None of us did. None of us deserved that.”
“I just kept thinking what if I just swerved a little would we have missed the impact of the other car? What if you guys were left at home and it was just me in the car driving, maybe then I would have survived and she would still be with us. Maybe…”
“Shhhh, Beatrice. It’s not your fault. It was never your fault.” Ava held Bea tighter, “It’s not your fault. It’s the drunk driver's fault. Please don’t blame yourself. You did everything right. Everything was right. You were driving correctly.”
“It’s not our fault, Bea.” Ava said as her voice cracked, “There was nothing we could’ve done to prevent it.”
“I miss her.”
“I miss her too. I miss our Imara.”
The kids heard their parents' cries and rushed out of the room.
“Mum and Mama, are you okay?” Finn asked.
“We heard your cries after we took a shower.” Ziva followed.
With Bea still inconsolable, Ava answered the twins. “Yes, bubbas. We just remembered your sister. It… it brought a lot of emotions that we weren’t expecting, especially mum. She just remembered Imara, the good and the bad.”
The twins didn’t answer Ava, instead they turned to each other and whispered. Then Finnegan ran to their room while Ziva stayed put.
“Sorry you’re feeling that way Mum and Mama. I love you both. I miss my older sister too.”
Before Ava or Bea could say anything, Finnegan got back carrying something in his hands.
“Ziva and I were making this last night and today. That's why we were almost late this morning because we were trying to finish it and give it to you both during breakfast.”
“But we underestimated the time it took so we didn’t finish it until now.” Finn and Ziva handed their project to Ava.
“Oh thank you bubbas.” Ava told them before she took a look at what the project is. But when she opened the box, Ava gasped at what the twins worked on. As she took it out of the box, tears fell, tears that she didn’t know she was holding back. Ava gently touched Bea’s knee and encouraged her to take a look at what the twins made them. Bea slowly lifted her head and looked at Ava first, looking at her with such gentle eyes that only has love and affection for her and then to the project.
More tears fell on Bea’s cheeks, but this time, it was tears of happiness. Because Imara might not be with them anymore, but her memory lives on. It lives with her and Ava, with the pictures they have of her, and most importantly, it lives with the twins. The twins drew a family picture of all five of them. Ava and Bea sitting next to each other, while their three kids played in the playground with each other. Three kids. That’s what they have. Imara will always be with them, their memories of her will forever be with them to cherish and behold.
Bea turned to the twins and opened her arms to invite them in for a hug. Gently, the twins came closer and hugged their mum.
“Thank you both for this lovely gift.” Bea whispered in their ears. “I love it. And I love you both. Thank you.”
Ava looked at her family, specifically, Bea hugging all three of their kids. Yes, three, including their oldest, Imara. She thought; the pain never goes away but sometimes it does. The hole left in their hearts and souls are sometimes painful but sometimes filled with so much joy and happiness from her memories. And time? Time does not stop for the grieving and yet it does.