Chapter Text
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter
- O-o-h Child, Five Stairsteps
Parties were never really his thing.
This one is different, though.
After practically two months, Tony Stark, the savior of the universe, is back home with his family.
His real family.
Aunt May couldn’t come due to all the housing issues they’ve been facing since returning from the Snap, so for old times’ sake, Happy went all the way to Peter’s current apartment to take him to the peaceful lake house the Potts-Starks have decided to retire in.
The trip felt… uncomfortable.
Happy of all people tried to get Peter to talk, in the most awkward way imaginable. Eventually, Happy would only shoot him sad glances, not at all grumpy, until Peter quietly asked him to give him some privacy for now (of course, not rudely). The boy didn’t even listen to music while he delved into New York City. Save for new stores and buildings, for the most part it didn’t look so awfully different to the human eye.
But Peter knew better than that. He sees more than the average person did. And that’s a curse.
It certainly is with Peter here, in this party that he should actually care about.
The teen gets to see Tony with the biggest smile on his face, despite the scars and the metal arm he built himself. He gets to see Pepper and Morgan, now relieved that Tony is not trapped in a hospital bed anymore. Even the… Guardians of the Galaxy have come along, like they’ve been Tony’s friends this whole time, despite the events that initially brought them together, and those that separated them as well.
Everyone is fine.
They’re exhausted and hurt, but they’re fine, because for now they celebrate.
Peter, however, has nothing to celebrate. When he should have.
This feels like Liz’s party, but at least back then Peter had Ned with him. At least things were easier. Not better , but easier .
What makes this all worse is that everyone is trying.
Like Happy did in the car, Morgan is constantly taking his hand and grinning at him with her adorable dark eyes, trying to lure him into her antics – she’ll whisper in his ear to beg him to be Spider-Man and grab all the juice pops for her –, and then Pepper immediately finds them and she will reassure Peter he doesn’t have to do anything the little “burglar” says, so Morgan will pretend to be innocent and she’ll run somewhere else. After this, Pepper is sweet and attentive towards Peter, smoothing his brown curls like she’s always done this, like he’s been her child from the moment he was born. While Rhodey likes joking with Tony, the former is incredibly soft and patient with the boy, telling Peter he can always tell everyone to stop smothering him, half-joking, half-meaningfully. Finally, the Star-Lord, who’s apparently also named after Peter, tries to sound like his cool older brother/cousin figure, only for him to end up sounding even more unaware than Uncle Ben, since Quill hasn’t been to Earth in forever. Everyone laughs when Peter accidentally implies that Quill is an old man since he has no idea how smartphones work, for a guy that has a spaceship and everything.
Admittedly, talking to the Guardians of the Galaxy kind of helps Peter get distracted from his haunting thoughts, since he ends up acting like a guide to them, in cultural terms. So you’ll basically find a teenager showing a group of aliens – and animals (as Peter eyes the walking raccoon that does not like being called a raccoon) – random memes. Drax doesn’t get the majority of them, and he demands explanations. Honestly, nobody but Groot gets it, even if all he says is “I am Groot”.
Peter never had a chance to know these guys better, as they all had to face Thanos and save the universe, so… this is nice.
That is, when Morgan steals Peter again – as well as the blue girl with black eyes, Nebula, if he’s not mistaken – to beg him to know when they’re going to play and get the juice pops. Suddenly, all the Guardians tune in and Drax “the Destroyer” is all for doing justice for the “Iron Daughter”, which draws Pepper’s attention, Tony’s and Rhodey’s laughter, and Happy doing his best to not let chaos rule the house, even if he might be secretly laughing as well.
And Peter is just… there .
He has been just there from the very beginning and… there’s nothing left for him to do.
This shouldn’t be upsetting. Peter should be laughing with them. He should be happy that Tony is alive. He should be grateful he’s here with him and everyone else.
But he isn’t.
He can’t keep pretending.
Peter flees the scene when he’s sure no one will notice, so he’s outside by the lake, facing the distant buildings he’s grown up with. The teenager already wonders how in the hell he’s going to leave without asking Happy, because he certainly doesn’t want to cause any more trouble for them. Peter does have his homemade suit with him, since it’s a habit he’ll never grow out of, but again, there aren’t any buildings in this area, and trees aren’t exactly stable enough for web shooting. Not to mention how expensive a cab would be to leave such an isolated place.
In the middle of his overthinking, a presence approaches, somehow undetectable by his enhanced senses at first.
“You’re leaving?”
It’s… truly not the voice you’d expect.
Peter turns around to find Nebula, who observes him with a knowing look… yet not judgmental. She doesn’t look confused by him leaving, either. She just pointed it out.
He opens his mouth but he only makes weird noises instead of words, hiding his cell phone since he’s already been caught, and fidgeting nervously.
“I- I-I dunno,” Peter manages, “I just…”
The arachnid teenager truly has no idea what to say. Every excuse he can come up with only sounds more and more dickish.
Nebula hums.
“Although you smiled the entire time, and were even socializing well with others…” Her eyes are deep like outer space. “All you wanted was to escape.”
Peter bites his lip. Nebula doesn’t sound like she knows the whole truth. Once again, she just observes and wants to confirm her suspicions.
“I-I’m sorry,” he mumbles.
Nebula shakes her head. “You don’t need to apologize for wanting to escape.”
Peter frowns, looking down.
“I-I don’t want to be ungrateful, I know everyone wants me to be here and- and you’re all trying really hard to make me feel comfortable, but…”
The cyborg crosses her arms, yet again, not in a way to make him feel bad.
Peter sighs. “I just feel like I don’t belong.”
His voice sounds wet and broken. Honestly, he’s been wanting to cry the moment he stepped here.
“These past few months have been so hard for me,” the boy opens up, despite Nebula being basically a stranger to him. “I already have to deal with the fact I turned into dust and woke up five years later. I have to get home and realize nothing is the same, I realize how much I’ve lost. People have moved on from me. And yet I have to go to school and be a normal boy like none of the things I mentioned ever happened. A-And then, I almost lost Mr. Stark, and he was isolated in the hospital this entire time… the staff told me I had to be his actual family to visit him.” Peter sniffs, drying his eye with his sleeve. “And even though I know Mr. Stark and Mrs. Potts would do everything to include me in their family, I still… never went after that. It doesn’t make sense, does it? I’m hurt that they didn’t let me see him… but I also didn’t have the heart to tell them I was hurt. Not to mention seeing him in that state… I don’t think I could handle the sight.”
Peter doesn’t look at Nebula at all, though he’s aware she’s listening in silence the whole time. She seems to have stepped closer to him, but they keep a fair distance from each other. He half realizes Nebula seems to have… glitter on her face, probably thanks to Morgan. He would have laughed if he weren’t breaking down.
“Like, even the Guardians are way better at this than me! At being their family!” Peter resumes. “It’s like they’ve been Mr. Stark’s friends since forever, like they weren’t dead for FIVE YEARS or the fact that they barely know him!”
He hates how childish he sounds right now, how needy and spoiled he is for being upset about all of this; especially after just admitting that he never bothered to tell Mr. Stark what he wants.
Peter dries his tears because he doesn’t want them to be seen, to be discovered, even if Nebula looks like the best person to keep secrets.
“S-See? The problem isn’t them, it’s me,” he says, angry. “They want me to matter, but it’s pointless. I’m not worth anything, ‘cause I can’t do anything right.”
He only remains cleaning his face meaninglessly with his shirt while Nebula is quiet, maybe shocked or sympathetic, he doesn’t really know. Peter also makes sure nobody else is watching them, which thankfully seems to be the case.
Either way, the boy dries the water and snot until his eyes shut up… besides Nebula finally saying something for once.
“... you are not the problem.”
Peter frowns. “What?”
“You’re not the problem,” Nebula repeats patiently.
“Why?” He’s too distraught to apologize for the slight lashing out.
Nebula, however, is unfazed by the reaction.
“I… never had anything,” she starts. “Thanos stripped everything away from me. And when he killed half of the universe… somehow I managed to have less than nothing. But then… I had Tony.” Nebula is the one looking away, staring at the lake. “We were the only survivors.”
Peter watches her not shed a single tear.
“It only lasted a few days, but they felt so long. We were out of food and gas. Even still, he made sure to look after me. We even played games together. He… praised me. Tony barely knew me and yet… he liked me,” Nebula contemplates. “And he was going to die. I knew I couldn’t do anything… but I did what I could.”
She pauses.
“After we were saved, I thought he’d be better off without me. I knew he had a family,” Nebula admits. “But whenever I was available, I’d find myself getting repairs and updates the most carefully I have ever witnessed. I’d find myself drinking… hot chocolate. And sometimes babysitting Morgan. So… I ended up being part of his family, I guess.” She shrugs affectionately, a shy smile even surfacing there. “I never thought I’d be part of a family. The Guardians didn’t convince me otherwise, not at first. It was Tony’s.” She stops again. “It might not look like it, but to this day, I still believe I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve to be taken care of. I don’t deserve Tony loving me the way my father never did.” Now her voice is the one which breaks.
Peter watches her this whole time, without breaking down again. Nebula seems to be tough, but at the same time she’s being very vulnerable right now. She ends up letting out a deep sigh.
“What I mean is… you have every right to feel hurt or alone, or out of place. That does not make you a bad person. That is not your fault,” Nebula reassures him. “And most importantly, you deserve help for that. You deserve love.”
Peter looks at her with his well-known puppy eyes, like Tony would call them.
He wants to say something – he should, but not sure what it’d be.
The blue cyborg stands awkwardly next to him, probably feeling the same way, especially after the two of them opened up so deeply like that. Nebula likely believes that she might have not helped much, hence why she’s going back to the house without a lot of certainty (or she’s really not the best at socializing, given she’s, you know. An alien).
When she’s about to leave, Peter finally lets out:
“Hey, Nebula?”
She merely turns around.
“Th… Thank you,” Peter smiles, “for looking after Mr. Stark.”
Nebula’s expression manages to soften even more. If she weren’t a cyborg, Peter is almost sure her cheeks would be red.
She nods, not saying anything. She doesn’t have to for Peter’s grin to widen.
Now, he’s rather unsure what to do. Maybe he’ll stick out here for a while, throw rocks to the lake with his super strength and see how far they can go. He doesn’t get to decide with Morgan coming back… only she’s on Tony’s lap.
“Petey! Aunt Nebula!” The little girl smiles. “Where were you? You should’ve seen Mr. Drax falling asleep in just three seconds! Without any bedtime story!”
“Mantis had to stop the big guy before he ripped our fridge apart,” Tony explains, smirking.
“Are you okay, Petey-pie?” Morgan asks, worried.
“O-Oh.” Great, that question. Why is he so obvious? “Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Morgan.”
“It’s okay. Daddy says everyone needs some good cry every now and then. And at least you weren’t alone!”
“Yeah,” Peter sniffs as he briefly smiles at Nebula.
He feels too embarrassed to look at Tony back, knowing the older man is staring at him with those big concerned eyes of his.
Due to the heavy silence, Nebula suddenly walks to Tony to talk to Morgan, her low voice softening and even sounding playful. Just vaguely.
“What do you say we prank Drax while he’s asleep?” Nebula suggests. “We could put some glitter on his face, too.”
Morgan gasps, excited. “Yeah! He’s a Guardian of the Galaxy, so he needs to shine reeeeally bright!”
“That’s right,” Nebula smiles, picking the girl up.
“Are you coming, Petey?” Morgan wonders.
Before the boy can even open his mouth, Tony speaks for him.
“We’ll be right back at you, Morguna,” he winks at her. She returns the gesture, so Morgan hugs Nebula, who seems completely alright with the affection. When Peter first met her, he never thought the cyborg would be so sweet with children.
Only for the teen to realize, he’s alone with Tony. Perhaps the first time in so long. They feel like strangers even if Tony tries not to leave that impression.
The last time they were together… Tony was dying in front of him, and all Peter wanted was to hold onto him, because he couldn’t handle losing someone else. It had felt like losing Uncle Ben all over again, and Peter wanted to push everyone else away to save Tony, to cry and mourn, and beg him to stay, to not leave him.
Peter can only understand how Nebula must have felt when she also thought she’d lose the only person that ever made her feel loved.
Tony is back.
Then why isn’t Peter happy?
“Pete?”
He can’t even look at Tony.
Peter is so ungrateful.
“Hey, buddy… you don’t need to hide your tears from me,” the man says softly. “You don’t have to be fine for my sake, or anyone’s sake.”
Peter knows that, and it only makes him want to cry harder.
When Tony approaches him, while still not directly touching him, Peter smells wood, which is… quite new for him. That and a shampoo that screams “Dad” shampoo. However, he smells the same oil and coffee that brings Peter back to their lab days. It brings him back to the nights the boy stayed over at the Compound, watching movies with his mentor, accidentally falling asleep on the hero’s shoulder, and not realizing it until he was wrapped up in a blanket and too tired and comfortable to move. It reminds Peter of when Tony put a hand behind his neck, his fingers running through the former’s curls, as the teen was being crushed by the weight of his grief, the weight of bullying and loneliness. It reminds Peter of when he felt loved despite the entire world telling him otherwise.
Everything has changed so much now, but in the end… Peter can still find some of the old smell of home.
He’s… home.
It doesn’t look like it, at all.
But he’s home.
And he loses it.
Unlike in the battlefield, Peter rushes to Tony’s arms before anything bad happens to separate them again. Before anything and anyone can take Tony away from him.
“I’m sorry!” Peter sobs, “I’m sorry, I missed you, I thought you’d–!”
“Hey, hey, hey… it’s alright, Peter.” Tony just soothes his back up and down. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”
Peter weeps, “I’m sorry.”
“Shhh… you have nothing to apologize for. Nothing, do you hear me?”
Tony sounds so incredibly patient that it only has Peter cry more in his shoulder, at this point too out of it to apologize for wetting Tony’s dad-looking sweater. Peter just buries himself in his mentor’s shoulder, wanting to be wrapped up in his home again, to feel like he belongs somewhere again. He’s missed this so damn much…
“I missed you,” Peter whispers, voice high like a child’s. “So much…”
Tony laughs wetly, squeezing the teenager in his arms, and kissing his head many times. “I missed you too, kiddo. You have no idea.”
His right arm is a little more solid than the rest of his body, but it’s still the same arms that have always loved Peter. The arachnid isn’t hugging the armor this time. They’re not fighting an evil overlord. They’re home again.
Tony just calms him down and never once complains about how long it takes. He’s willing to stay forever if Peter needs it. Truly, he doesn’t know what he did to deserve… a father like Tony Stark.
Although he’s grateful, the black hole in him aches again, absorbing his joy. That’s how his life feels most of the time.
“I’m sorry,” Peter repeats.
“Peter…” Tony sounds pained.
“N-No, I mean it. You were all doing everything to welcome me, and I just… didn’t say anything. I just left.”
Tony just looks heartbroken, his flesh and mechanical arms wiping some of Peter’s tears for him.
“I thought…” Peter gulps. “I thought of leaving without anyone knowing. I didn’t feel right staying in there. Ever since I came back, nothing has felt right, but it feels like I’m expected to live like I didn’t literally die . A-And even though you’re trying to help me feel less alone… I still feel alone. And that’s not your fault.”
His mentor looks like he’s about to hug Peter the same way he did when they reunited, only for the boy to say more.
“I-I guess I’ve always felt like this, but… I still felt like I had something, before this all happened. But now, I don’t have anything and I feel like everyone has lived on well without me. You might try to include me, but… I can see it. I see how you guys interact. How… better you are without me.” He sniffs grossly. “The Guardians were gone for five years too, but they’re having so much fun, celebrating your return. I know I should be, too. I-I’m so relieved you’re back home, Mr. Stark,” Peter insists. “B-But I don’t feel like… I’m home. It’s like I lost it. Forever.”
The boy lowers his head, staring at the dirt, the ground reminding him of his own demise. He’s stepping on it like… he belongs there.
“I-I f-feel like… like…” Peter cries, scared of Tony’s reaction, “like maybe I shouldn’t have come back.” He feels so much like a little kid. And it makes sense, doesn’t it? Peter didn’t grow up with Tony. He’s stuck in a teenage body when he should be a young adult. “M-Maybe I… I should have just stayed dead.”
With the way Tony’s hands stop gently touching Peter’s face, the latter is sobbing furiously again.
Maybe now, he should leave.
Leave and never return.
Peter never wanted to admit these thoughts to anyone, because they just make him realize how much of a horrible person he is.
When his instinct tells him to run and hide, and never – ever – return, Tony’s left hand stops him, grabbing his arm firmly but not to the point of hurting it. If anything, it seems to shake silently.
“M-Mr. Stark, l-let me go,” he begs.
“You’re not better off dead.”
Tony is quiet and gentle, yet he appears to be close to breaking down, too.
“I-It doesn’t feel like it,” Peter bites.
“I know.”
The way Tony speaks… the way he’s rubbing Peter’s arm…
The boy wants to reject it, but he can’t.
“Let me help you, Peter,” Tony quietly pleads.
“Nobody can help me.”
“That’s not true.”
“Then why hasn’t it gotten better? Why do I keep losing everyone and- and everything? Why does life just get worse every time I think it’s going to get better?”
“Because it sucks. I know it does.”
Tony is behaving a lot like Nebula right now. They both speak from experience. Only here, Tony doesn’t explain where it comes from. Maybe because, right now, it’s not the focus.
“I’m…” Peter lowers the defenses. “I’m so tired, Tony.”
“I know, Pete.”
Like this, Tony is hugging him again.
“You can rest now,” he promises.
Peter cries once again, and it only hurts even more. Yet somehow, the crying is less desperate and loud. It’s more… here , if that makes sense.
He knows more than anyone that this is not enough for the black hole inside him. Nothing is enough for the black hole.
Still… Tony is able to quiet it down.
With just this one hug.
So, Peter just holds onto it.
It's true, then. That sometimes, a hug is really all you need to know that things will be alright.