Chapter Text
Thinking of you and your date tonight. I think you’re going to really hit it off. He’s an intellectual. I don’t even understand what he’s talking about half the time - haha! But I’m sure as an educator you’ll be able to match wits.
Sadayo Kawakami closed her message app and put her phone back into her purse. Ever since the little old ladies at book club realized she was single, they’d been bound and determined to find her a match. How Kawakami got roped into a book club comprised of grandmotherly women reading romance novels was another story entirely, but after weeks of turning down every single nephew, son, and in one case brother of these women, she finally agreed to a blind date with a man one of the book club women knew. The woman who set up the blind date didn’t know the man well, they merely frequented the same coffee shop. Kawakami thought this better since the risk was lower if things went bad with an acquaintance rather than a family member.
However, her date was already 15 minutes late without any messages, so things were off to a great start.
“Hello, are you Sadayo Kawakami?” asked a man with brown hair and what was honestly kind of an obnoxious scarf. “I must admit, when I heard you were an intelligent woman, I wasn’t expecting you would also be so attractive.”
”Umm, thanks?” said Kawakami with a side eye.
”Beauty and intelligence, unfortunately, seldom go hand in hand with women. You typically only find an attractive airhead or a brilliant but dowdy woman.” he continued. Yes, dig the hole deeper, buddy. “I suppose I’ll test your intelligence soon enough, ha!”
Kawakami raised an eyebrow. An intelligence test? This sounds romantic.
”I’ve taken the liberty of booking us a table at an authentic eye-talian restaurant,” he said. “I hope you have a refined, global palette.”
Kawakami thought better of correcting this blowhard. “That sounds fine,” she said, already holding low expectations for this date but going with it despite her better judgement.
”Excellent,” he said. “Follow me. It’s just a short walk, which will give me the time to set the stage for our discussion tonight. I am a film critic, you see. And how did I establish my love for the cinema? I believe it all begins when I was merely eight years old. A young age, yes, but I was already capable of distinguishing art from the plebeian drivel you find at the multiplex.”
”Oh God…” Kawakami thought.
”…and the leitmotif of ‘rosebud’ throughout. Ah!” he then did a literal chef’s kiss.
”Are we almost there?” Kawakami thought, completely tuned out at this point.
“…and it’s precisely because I esteem Godard so much as an auteur that I had to object to that pedestrian take. Oh, look. Here we are,” he said.
Kawakami looked up. Saizeriya? The low-cost family style chain restaurant? Comfort food, sure, but this wasn’t what she pictured when he raved about an authentic Italian experience.
They had barely taken their seat in the booth when her date pressed the button on the table and rang over the waiter, a teenage boy who didn’t seem fully awake.
”Welcome to Saizeriya,” the waiter said.
”Buon-GIORRRRNO!” her date said, really rolling that “r.” Oh God. He’s one of those. Of course.
”Um, hi,” the waiter replied. “What can I bring you.”
”Yes, a bottle of your house red for the table. Two glasses. I will start with an order of brush-ET-uh, and for my primo I’ll take the ga-no-KEE, secondo I would like the poy-yo. At the end of the meal I will choose between a liqueur or some ex-prrress-o. Oh, and a salad for the lady.”
“Actually, I’d like a margharita pizza,” Kawakami interjected, visibly miffed at this point though her date did not notice.
”Well, sounds like someone is going to pull double duty at the gym to make up for those empty calories!” her date said.
The waiter, who clearly did not one to spend any longer at this particular table than absolutely necessary, nodded and left with their order.
”Ah, is this not like an evening in Roma?” her date said.
”No, this is most definitely an evening in an aging strip mall,” Kawakami muttered.
“Not to sound braggadocio, but I’m an expert in Italian culture and language. I think it all starts when I was introduced to Fellini back in…”
Realizing the evening was going to be a single, tedious monologue if she didn’t interject, Kawakami interrupted. “I actually did my study abroad in Florence when I was in university. The months I spent there were…”
”Ah, yes Fee-rrrrren-ze!” her date cut her off. “To truly appreciate the city, it requires a nuanced understanding of Zeffirelli‘s…”
”I’m sorry, but we’re on a date. Wouldn’t you like to know more about me?” Kawakami asked.
“Ah, yes. I apologize. Where are my manners?” her date said. “I would like to know more about you. After all, I am a man of very discerning taste. I ought to determine if you will meet my criteria. Now, a man of my intelligence has a duty to the world to propagate. No fewer than five children. And of course they would need to be breastfed until they’re school aged. Oh yes, a bosom like yours should support their nutrition.”
Kawakami pulled her cardigan around her chest. Eww. “I don’t even know where to begin, but I’m fairly certain breast size isn’t tied to milk production.”
”That’s where you’re mistaken,” her date said. “If you’ll allow me to explain the science…”
”So you’re going to explain to me, a woman, how breasts work?” said Kawakami, eyebrow raised.
”I’m merely a man of logic and reason, m’lady,” he said. “I know the fairer sex can get caught up in their emotions with these things.”
”You can’t be serious,” groaned Kawakami.
”Ah, I see. It must be your time of the month,” her date said. “Well in that case we shan’t need that bottle of wine as I have no interest in bloody intercourse. I wonder if I can still cancel the order?”
Intercourse? There was no way. ”I am going to need that wine,” said Kawakami.
”As you please. I’ll simply inform the waiter to split the bill 50/50 save for the wine to go entirely on your tab,” her date said.
”So you’re ordering half the menu, I have one pizza, and you think we should go splitsies?” Kawakami spat. “Your intellect doesn’t seem to apply to simple equitable math.”
“I’ll have you know you’re speaking to a celebrated film critic!” her date said in retort.
”Celebrated? Where? By your mother on your birthday?” Kawakami replied.
“All great artists are misunderstood. I refuse to stoop to the lowest common denominator. If publishers are intimidated by my superior intellect, so be it,” he said.
”So you’re unpublished?” replied Kawakami.
“I’ll have you know my blog gets dozens of hits annually,” he replied. “My career is bound to take off any moment now. They say those who can’t, teach. But I know I can, and so I write. I must.”
”Excuse me?” replied a heated Kawakami. “You know nothing of what I do.”
”Umm… excuse me, I have your food,” the waiter awkwardly interrupted.
”Yes, I have the pizza and the wine,” said Kawakami. “But a slight change of plans, I’ll be taking them to go.”
”I will not suffer such indignity!” her date replied.
The tired teenage waiter flitted his eyes between the two. He had no interest in getting involved. “I’ll have your order up front. You can pay there,” he said to Kawakami.
Kawakami stood up. “This isn’t going to work out, I’m sorry,” she said. “And by the way, your Italian is atrocious.”
When Kawakami left the restaurant, she heard her phone ping. Uninterested in reading the message, she turned her phone off entirely. When she got home, she put her food in the fridge, poured a full glass of wine, and ran a warm bath. When she got out, she felt sleepy and decided to lay down. Another date, another disappointment.
She dared to turn her phone back on when she awoke. She missed 17 messages, and scrolled past several paragraph-long texts before she got to the last one - a simple “bitch.” Ugh. Block.
Maybe it was time to cast a wider net? If she got more hits, she could be choosier with which dates she accepted. Kawakami pulled up her dating app and hit “edit” on her profile pic. She hesitated a moment before selecting a bikini selfie she took in Hawaii. Maybe this was a bad idea? Well, the status quo was definitely not working, and there was only one way to find out.