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It’s bucketing down rain in Diagon Alley. Sirius drew the short straw for patrol tonight. Stuck with Bones on the rota. The two Order members survey the High Street for any ‘suspicious activity’. Usually Sirius doesn’t mind patrol. Even enjoys it under more accommodating circumstances, usually with more lively company. The storm would be easier to look over if he had better conversation to distract him, but in its absence all he can think about is the squelching water in his socks and his wet hair sticking to his cheeks and the back of his neck.
He was almost too busy stewing on such discomforts to miss the silhouette slinking down the back lane on its way to Knockturn Alley.
Sirius draws his wand and notifies Bones that they’ve got company. Edgar readies his wand and they start to follow the figure, only to find themselves alone at a dead end.
Thinking they’d lost their mark, the two Order members drop their guard. Rookie mistake. The spell comes from behind, flashing bright red, it hits Bones square between his shoulders. He’s sent reeling, landing hard against the brick wall of a storefront.
Sirius whips around, coming face to face with his baby brother.
“What the fuck?” Sirius bursts out, keeping his wand raised.
“I had to get you alone.” Regulus rations.
“Well you haven’t really started on good terms. What the fuck do you want Regulus.”
“To talk. Just hear me out ok–” But Sirius is already walking away. Regulus chases after him, “one drink. That’s all I’m asking.”
If Sirius was a stronger man he would’ve said no. He would’ve kept walking. He would’ve gone to his debrief and told Dumbledore. Maybe he should’ve stunned Regulus and taken him with him.
But he was never going to do that. Because Regulus always found the chinks in Sirius’ armour, without even trying.
“One drink. You’re paying. And you better make it fucking worth it.”
Sirius and Regulus apparated to a muggle pub near Finsbury Park. It’s stuffy inside and smells like stale beer. Regulus goes to the bar to get their drinks while Sirius settles into an empty booth in the back, out of view from the other patrons.
Regulus finds him and slides his pint across the table. Sirius takes a swig to try and rebuild some courage that he lost between Knockturn Alley and the entrance of the pub. “Ok Regulus. Talk.”
“Mother and father are dead.”
“Strong start. What’s that got to do with me?” Sirius doesn’t give Regulus an inch. He’ll hear him out but he’s not going to make it easy.
“It hasn’t hit the news yet, they’re keeping it quiet. I just thought you should know.”
“Whose they, Reg?” Sirius feigns confusion.
Regulus just glares back. When Sirius doesn’t crack, Regulus sighs. Deflating, like all the fight has just drained out of him. Leaving him empty, nothing but a sack of flesh and bone and blood.
“Voldemort and his henchmen. I’m not with them anymore. I’m not a Death Eater.” Sirius flinches at the name but doesn’t back down.
“It doesn’t work like that. Still got that mark on your arm?” Regulus’ silence was answer enough. “Pretty sure that means you’re still a Death Eater then Reggie.”
“I’ve been going after the horcruxes.” Regulus burst out, unable to sit still under Sirius’ scrutiny.
“The what?”
“Dumbledore hasn’t said anything?” Regulus knew Dumbledore was daft but he didn’t realise how far gone the old bat was. He had to know about the horcruxes, and he had to know how important they were. Regulus figured they’d be a priority for the Order.
“Said anything about what? What horcruxes?”
“Voldemort, he split his soul into five different parts, connecting them to different objects. He cannot be killed until all the horcruxes are destroyed. I’ve just got one left and then he’s just a man. And can be killed as such.”
“I don’t understand. How?”
“I overheard him talking to Lucius. All the good Snape has done for him and he can’t even think to cast a simple muffliato charm. Fucking rookie. There’s not much recorded about horcruxes but I did some digging in the library at Black Hall and found something. A singular passage, that’s all there was. And there’s a reason for it. It’s dark stuff.”
“I could’ve guessed that. So you’ve defected because, what? You’re little Dark Lord’s dabbling in some dark magic. It’s never been like you to shy away from it before.”
“It’s not just dark magic Sirius! And no, I haven’t agreed with them for a long time. But it’s a bit hard to just say ‘no thanks, I’m good.’”
“I did.” Sirius counters.
“Yeah, you did. And so Orion and Walburga tightened their forces, patched up all the holes in the fence. They let you go because they had a spare. But they weren’t gonna take any chances with me.”
“You could’ve come with me. That night, you could’ve left with me.”
“I wouldn’t have.”
The brothers sit there, hidden at the back of a muggle pub, completely anonymous and at a stalemate.
“Come with me now.” Sirius breaks through the silence. All his walls are coming down. He’s finally got his brother in his grasp again, he’s not going to let go so easily this time.
Regulus doesn’t say anything. They remain there for what feels like an eternity, until the jukebox clicks into the next song. One they both recognise.
“Dance with me.” Regulus says as he rises from his seat. His pint forgotten as he makes his way to the dancefloor where some muggles have congregated.
Sirius knows that Regulus is stalling but he lets him because he knows this is important. They’re on the precipice of something and Regulus isn’t ready for it. And if he’s being honest with himself, neither is Sirius.
Sirius takes a minute for himself before getting up and following the path Regulus has forged to the dancefloor. The wooden floors are covered in spilled beer and it sticks to his shoes as he walks, but he urges forward despite the way the velcro sound makes him cringe. Regulus has never been one for dancing or parties but put a drink in his hand and he’ll surprise you.
Despite himself he smiles at the song. He heard it for the first time when they were back home for the summer after his third year. Sirius had snuck out to muggle London and hauled up in the first record shop he found. Thinking of Remus and all the music he’d been introduced to over the past three years at school, he made his way to the rock section. Over the speakers they started playing Bruce Springsteen. A musician that alluded Sirius until that point, but he liked to think the song resonated with him.
Well I stood stone-like at midnight
Suspended in my masquerade
I combed my hair 'til it was just right
And commanded the night brigade
I was open to pain and crossed by the rain
And I walked on a crooked crutch
He suffered for it when he got home, but it was worth it. To find that magic, that had nothing to do with the wizarding world and his mothers wrath. The magic he already knew only served to cause him pain. But this was new. And it felt big.
As he dances to the song now, alongside his brother in this sweaty crowd, he forgets the past four years that they were separate. He’s willing to let it all go, given the chance.
But as the song ends, fading into another one that they’re not familiar. They stay on the dance floor anyway, neither one wanting to go back to their drinks. A random woman comes up to them, asking Sirius for a dance but he declines, not wanting to leave Regulus’ side. They stay on the dance floor for a long time until their feet start to get sore and neither can really justify their avoidance any longer.
The brothers make their way back to their table and the world that surrounds them comes crashing back in. Not the muggle world that encloses them into this pub, not this safe hideaway but the world where they’ve both been fighting on separate sides of the war. Or so Sirius thought.
“Come with me,” Sirius tries again, making their way back to their table.
“I didn’t come here to ask for your help. I don’t need a way out. There is no way out. There’s one more horcrux left.”
“Good. That’s good. Then we’ll kill Voldemort and you’ll be a hero and we’ll–”
“No Sirius. You don’t get it. There’s only one more horcrux and Voldemort’s not going to make it so easy to destroy. I think this is it for me. I didn’t come to ask for help, I came to say goodbye.”
His blood turns to ice, making his thoughts feel sluggish. It’s a headache to form a full thought. Not that he wants to, because if he thinks about it hard enough he’ll realise what this means. What Regulus is saying.
“You’d die for this? You came to me, at the end of it all, to tell me you’d fucking die for a cause I didn’t even know you fucking believed in! You can’t do this to me Reg. You can’t just– just rewrite history! You’ve just changed everything but you’re still leaving me.”
“You left me! And I’m not leaving you! I’m doing this for you!”
“Fuck you! This isn’t for me! If it was for me you’d come with me now. Just forget about it! We can figure out another way. You don’t have to do this alone, Regulus. You don’t have to leave me alone.”
Regulus pauses, letting that sit between them. Taking up so much space, suffocating them.
“I love you.” He whispers the words, so quietly, delicately. Hoping if he makes the words small enough they won’t hurt so much.
By the look on his brother’s face, it didn’t work.
“Don’t.”
“Sirius-”
“Don’t do it. Don’t go.”
“Sirius I have to.”
“No you don’t! We can figure it out! We can go to Dumbledore-”
“Fuck Dumbledore!” Regulus bursts out, “he’s not doing shit! The Order is barely making a dent in Voldemort's forces. Numbers are dwindling on your side, Dumbledore can’t do anything to help me.”
“My side?”
“You know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t. My side? Whose team are you on Reg? If you’re not on mine?”
“I’m on mine.” Regulus sighs, “and this is all I can do. I’ve caused so much pain Sirius. I’ve done things I can’t come back from. I can’t forgive myself for any of it. I can’t live with myself. This is all I can do. I have to destroy the last horcrux. Whatever the cost, I’m willing to pay it.”
“I’m not.” His brother's eyes glisten, tears threatening to spill over but he’s holding himself back. Sirius Black doesn’t cry for anyone. His brother has always been the exception to that though.
Their pints resting between them, forgotten. In hopes to keep the conversation going as long as possible, neither of them have taken another sip since they’ve sat down. But despite their best efforts, time still moves forward and soon the last call is announced and they make their way out onto the street.
So Sirius lets him go.
Knowing that once Regulus made up his mind there was no changing it.
They’re stood outside the pub, neither one willing to be the first to break the spell and say goodbye for the last time. Sirius, stalling, pulls out a cigarette and lights it. He inhales deeply and offers it to his brother. Surprising him, Regulus accepts, coughing on the intake.
“Not much of a smoker?”
“Nope.” His voice thick from the smoke, still trying to clear his lungs.
Sirius just laughs and takes the cigarette back.
“I love you too.”
Regulus smiles wide, all his teeth on display, like he’s really happy. And maybe this is the happiest they’ve been in years. It’s definitely the most honest. And fuck, Sirius can’t take it. Dropping the half smoked cigarette onto the pavement and stubbing it out under his shoe, he pulls his brother into a hug. Caught off guard, Regulus stumbles into it, tripping over his feet on the way into Sirius’ arms. He doesn’t hesitate to reciprocate though, wrapping his arms around him so tight that Sirius’ wheezes, all the air being squeezed out of his lungs.
A sob racks through him. Or through Regulus. Probably both. Their bodies are so closely intertwined that it feels like they’re morphing into a singular vessel. Of pain and loss and love.
So much love shared between the brothers that they don’t know what to do with it. It didn’t always feel like love and in recent years they’d never call it that. But that tightening feeling over their heart every time they thought of each other, that pain and discomfort twisting around their muscles and wrapping around their bones. That was love.
Sirius doesn’t really know what he’s supposed to do with it all once he lets go of his brother, once he lets him walk away for the last time. Once he’s forced to bear all that love alone. It’s overflowing out of him and all he can hope is that it seeps into Regulus now, sinking into his pores, making him hesitate.
It’s Regulus that breaks the hug first, cheeks wet with tears.
“Please Reg.” Sirius doesn’t know what he’s asking for at this point, knowing either way that he’s not going to get the answer he wants.
“I have to. Goodbye Sirius.”
And then he’s gone. Leaving Sirius to apparate back to Knockturn Alley alone, the last place he wants to be right now. But he has to make sure Bones is alright. Once he’s sure Edgar is safe and not in any urgent need of first aid, he apparates home. Ignoring all of Remus’ inquiries on how patrol went, he makes a beeline straight for the bedroom and collapses onto the mattress, falling into a fitful sleep.
In the morning when he wakes up he can feel it. That hollow feeling set deep into his bones, carving its way through his marrow and just nestling in. His brother is dead and that tight feeling over Sirius’ heart takes up home.