Chapter Text
Dazai and Chuuya are quiet babies, as Atsushi and Akutagawa quickly learn. They don’t cry much and they keep themselves entertained. They’re particularly fascinated by the latches on their car seats.
“I don’t like your office,” Akutagawa says as he parks the car.
“Yeah, well, we don’t have much of a choice. Here, put this on.”
Akutagawa stares at Dazai’s coat. “Why?”
“Because you’re wearing a sparkly unicorn T-shirt and I know you’d rather die than let anyone else see you in it.”
Akutagawa snatches the coat from Atsushi and gets out of the car to put it on while Atsushi opens the back door to get Dazai out.
“Osamu!” Atsushi cries and Dazai giggles like the little shit he is.
Akutagawa opens the other back door to look at Atsushi across the car. “What happened?”
“He unbuckled himself!”
Akutagawa snickers as he unbuckles Chuuya and lifts him out of the car. “Sounds like him.”
“That’s annoying. We’ll have to duct tape him to the seat if we go anywhere.”
Akutagawa thinks it would be nice to go somewhere, but he doesn’t say so. “Chuuya, stop eating my hair.”
Chuuya does not stop. Akutagawa sighs. Atsushi snickers — until Dazai tries to eat Atsushi’s T-shirt.
“You have got to be joking,” Kunikida says when Atsushi enters the office with Dazai, Akutagawa following with Chuuya.
“I really wish we were,” Atsushi says.
“They’re so cute,” Yosano coos. “Look at his little waistcoat!”
Dazai gurgles happily when Yosano approaches and Atsushi all but dumps him in her arms. Chuuya regards the spectacle with a bored look before turning and trying to shove Akutagawa’s hair in his mouth again.
“Did you call everyone?” Atsushi asks Kunikida, who surprisingly turns slightly pink.
“We all woke up to the sound of ‘what do you mean, they turned into fucking babies’ and decided to tag along.”
Akutagawa snickers at Kyoka’s attempt to sound like Kunikida. Dazai laughs when Kyoka raises her voice and shouts.
“Aren’t you adorable,” Yosano says, tickling his tummy. “Yes, you are!”
“I’m never gonna look at Dazai the same ever again,” Tanizaki says, yawning mid-sentence.
Chuuya looks over at Atsushi and when he realises Atsushi is no longer holding Dazai, he lets go of Akutagawa’s hair to lean towards Atsushi, arms outstretched.
“Good riddance,” Akutagawa mutters as Atsushi takes Chuuya. “Go eat his hair.”
Chuuya doesn’t try to eat Atsushi’s hair. He stares at Atsushi’s face for a moment before he yawns and drops his head on Atsushi’s shoulders.
“Aww,” Kyoka and Kenji say.
Kunikida drags a hand down his face. “Well . . . Did they happen to tell you which way the kid went?”
“Chuuya-nii was too busy yelling at us to get there,” Akutagawa says.
“Hey,” Naomi says from where she’s hanging on to her brother’s arm with her droopy eyes half closed. She yawns before she continues. “How come Dazai got affected too?”
Atsushi adjusts Chuuya so that they’re both more comfortable before speaking. “Apparently, the kid got Chuuya-nii first and then Osamu-nii chased after her with that wristband you gave them for her.”
“Great,” Yosano says. “So, now we have to hunt her down all over again.”
“It shouldn’t be too difficult,” Ranpo says. “We know what she looks like now. We can find her again.”
“What are we supposed to do in the meantime?” Atsushi asks.
“Return the favour, I guess,” Kyoka says with a shrug, glancing at Kunikida for confirmation.
Kunikida nods. “I guess. The president’s not going to be happy about this.”
“Why?” Akutagawa asks. “Won’t you all get more work done if Osamu-nii isn’t disrupting things like usual?”
Kunikida opens his mouth and then closes it after a moment. Akutagawa watches realisation slowly cross the faces of everyone in the detective agency.
“The good news,” Yosano says as she distracts Dazai with her finger in his face, “is that it looks like you’ll still be able to go to work. Dazai seems fine with us and Chuuya has Atsushi.”
“Right, but remember how Atsushi sounded like someone dropped a brick on his head when Chuuya tried to leave?” Kenji asks. He turns to Akutagawa. “Pretend like you’re leaving.”
Akutagawa happily heads for the door, only to be stopped when he opens it by an angry screech from Dazai. When he turns back, Dazai is trying to climb Yosano and glaring daggers at Akutagawa. He relaxes when Akutagawa sighs and closes the door again.
“Maybe not,” Yosano says, wincing as Dazai accidentally pulls on her hair.
“I don't like your office,” Akutagawa whines, sticking his hands in the pockets of Dazai’s coat as Atsushi continues speaking to his coworkers.
His hand brushes a crumpled note. He glances around to see that everyone is either talking to Atsushi and Kunikida, or cooing over Dazai — Naomi is sleeping where she stands — before pulling the paper out and opening it to Dazai’s handwriting.
Chuuya’s too busy panicking so I figured I’d tell you that you two can sleep in Chuuya’s room until this whole thing is fixed. Don’t worry, the sheets are clean.
Akutagawa rolls his eyes at the little winky face Dazai had drawn.
P.S. take care of my coat
“You okay?” Atsushi asks and Akutagawa looks up to find Atsushi watching him.
He raises the note, half folded so the writing is hidden. “Permission to sleep in their room for now, complete with a dirty joke and everything.”
Kyoka gags and Yosano gasps. “Called it!”
Atsushi huffs as Dazai finally gives up and stays laying down in the crib. Chuuya is already asleep. “This is some kind of evil payback, I’m sure of it.”
Akutagawa is laying on the floor, where he’s been ever since Dazai kicked him in the face with a surprising degree of power. “I want to go to sleep and wake up with them normal again. I prefer Osamu-nii’s wretched teasing over this.”
Atsushi yawns. “I’m taking tomorrow off. There’s not a chance in hell I’m going to be awake enough to work.”
Akutagawa grumbles something that sounds like agreement.
“Come on,” Atsushi says, grabbing Akutagawa’s hands and weakly trying to pull him to his feet. “Bedtime for us, too.”
“Carry me,” Akutagawa grumbles. “I’ve been kicked in the face.”
“By a baby, Ryuu. Get up.”
“You get kicked in the face and then tell me to get up.”
“I’d rather not.”
Akutagawa yelps when Atsushi lifts him off the ground and throws him over his shoulder. “Not like this!”
“You didn’t specify how,” Atsushi says smugly as they leave the nursery. Akutagawa hits the light switch as they pass through the doorway.
Atsushi snickers when he tosses Akutagawa down on the bed in Chuuya’s room and receives several jumbled death threats.
“You’re tired, Ryuu. Go to sleep.” Atsushi pauses as he reaches out for the light switch. “And take that coat off before you rip the seams in the middle of the night.”
“I’m not the one that thrashes like a wild animal,” Akutagawa grumbles, sitting up to shrug the tan coat off his shoulders in the dark.
Atsushi takes the coat from him and folds it halfway, hanging it over the chair in front of Chuuya’s vanity. He turns back and stares at Akutagawa. “You can get into bed, you know. The sheets won’t bite you.”
Akutagawa shudders. “They had sex in here.”
“Mm, I really don’t think you should be as worried about that as the fact that they’ve probably had sex on our couch too.”
“Oh, you didn’t have to bring that up!”
“I’m just saying. At least the sheets get washed.”
“Shut up!”
Atsushi snickers as Akutagawa shuffles under the covers and sticks his head under the pillow, grumbling muffled words into the mattress. “You’re so cute.”
“Fuck off! I’m going to throw up!”
“Please don’t. I’m not keen on washing vomit out of the bedsheets.”
“I hate you,” Akutagawa snaps, but he doesn’t complain as Atsushi lifts the pillow off his head to grin at him. “Go away.”
“I believe you said you didn’t want me to.”
“I said I didn’t want you to leave. I am perfectly fine with banishing you to the couch.”
“Ha! As if you remember how to fall asleep alone.”
“Shut up,” Akutagawa mutters, with significantly less bite.
“C’mere.”
Akutagawa complies, sighing softly as Atsushi wraps his arms around him and kisses his shoulder. “You are unfairly calming.”
“Sorry,” Atsushi says. There is a blissful moment of silence before he speaks again. “What did that note actually say? You didn’t look like it was just a sex joke.”
“I mean . . . the sex joke was there.”
“But?”
“But . . . he also told me to take care of his coat.”
Atsushi smiles. “That’s cute. He left it for you.”
“Don’t say it like that. I’m sure he just means while he’s little.”
“We’ll see when the ability wears off.”
“Mm. I suppose.”
Atsushi sits up suddenly, jostling Akutagawa and pulling forth indistinguishable death threats. “I’ve just had the greatest idea ever.”
“Congratulations. Can we go the fuck to sleep, now?”
“Yes, yes, sorry.”
Akutagawa hums happily when Atsushi’s arm slips under his head again.
Gin wakes up in the middle of her bed as morning begins to turn to afternoon and yawns. She edges away from Hirotsu, who is courteously keeping to the edge of the bed, and faces Tachihara, who is starfished over half the bed and snoring lightly. She kicks him off the bed.
“Hey, ow!”
Hirotsu sleeps through it.
“I thought I told you to sleep in my brother’s room.”
“I had a nightmare,” Tachihara lies.
“Yeah, right. You just like my ceiling stickers.”
“They glow in the dark, Gin.”
“I’ll buy you a pack for your apartment, okay?”
Tachihara grumbles about his tailbone as he stands up and promptly trips over Gin’s phone charger, going down with a howl as Gin cackles.
Hirotsu continues to sleep through it all.
“Quit laughing at me.”
“Quit doing funny things, then.” Gin hops off the bed and drags herself to the door. “What do you want for breakfast?”
“I dunno. Whatever you’re having, I guess.” Tachihara picks up Gin’s phone to replace the charger and set it down on the nightstand again. “Woah, you have eight missed calls from your brother.”
“Give that here,” Gin says as Tachihara calls Akutagawa back. “Oi, asshole, that’s my phone.”
“Good morning, demon!” Tachihara chirps.
Akuatagwa’s yelling is audible. “Put my sister on the phone, you heathen!”
“He wants to talk to you,” Tachihara relays, holding the phone out to Gin.
She rolls her eyes and takes it, following Tachihara to the bathroom. “You knew I had work last night, Ryuu. Was it an emergency?”
“No. Yes. Kind of. Can you make lunch for us today?”
“Huh?”
“You’ll never guess who got turned into babies last night. They’re a little bit of a handful when they’re fully rested and we — Chuuya, don’t put that in your mouth!”
Tachihara raises his eyebrows at Gin seated on the bathtub edge in the mirror, toothbrush in his mouth, when she snickers. She lowers the phone slightly. “Dazai and Chuuya got baby’d yesterday,” she relays.
Gin’s never seen Tachihara brush his teeth so fast in her life before.
“Tachihara incoming,” she warns her brother. “But, yeah, I can make lunch. Hirotsu and Tachihara are staying too, so you guys can just come over.”
“Great.” There’s a dull thud in the background that Gin hears echo over the phone. “Did Tachihara just run into my front door?”
“It’s possible. Give him an ice pack, would you? I think he still has a concussion from last night’s mission.”
“Jinko, go open the door.”
“Fuck you!” Atsushi screams in the background, followed by a pained yelp. “Stop pulling my hair, Osamu!”
“Bring some of that baby formula with you,” Gin says. “I’ll make something for them to eat, but I don’t know if they’ll like it.”
Akutagawa sighs. “I have to go rescue Atsushi, now. Bye.”
Gin laughs softly. “Bye.”
“Where’s Tachihara?” Hirotsu asks when Gin hangs up. He stands in the doorway of the bathroom and yawns.
Gin feels like she’s been gifted a secret to be able to see Hirotsu looking like he’s just tumbled down a mountain. No one in the mafia would believe her if she said Hirotsu’s hair sometimes sticks up like Einstein when he wakes up.
“Chuuya’s apartment. Remember how he told us he was accompanying Dazai to bring in the ability user that got Atsushi and my brother?”
Hirotsu hums his acknowledgement as he blindly reaches for the toothpaste.
“Well, they didn’t catch her, I presume. Tachihara’s gone to visit baby Chuuya and Dazai.”
“But Dazai is a nullifier.”
Gin shrugs. “With that man, anything’s possible.”
Atsushi collapses on the couch, relieved that Chuuya went to Tachihara without a moment’s hesitation.
“You’re going to kill me when you’re big again,” Tachihara says, but he coos it at Chuuya. “Yes, you are! Oh, you have an adorable smile. Atsushi, take a picture!”
Atsushi grumbles under his breath and hands Akutagawa Chuuya’s phone.
“He’s totally going to kill you,” Akutagawa says, but he takes a photo of Tachihara and Chuuya, both of them wearing matching grins.
“It’ll be worth it. He’s adorable. So is Dazai.”
“Great,” Akutagawa says, depositing Dazai on the couch next to Tachihara. “You can babysit. Atsushi needs a nap and I need a shower.”
Tachihara looks like he’s been given his weight in gold. “You trust me to babysit?”
“I trust you to know that we’ll kill you if anything happens to them. Gin will even help.”
“That’s true.” Tachihara keeps one arm around Chuuya, who’s standing on his leg and patting Tachihara’s face curiously, and draws Dazai closer with his free hand. Dazai stares up at him with big, curious eyes. “I’ll never be able to look at them the same way again. They’re adorable.”
“Drop them and you die,” Akutagawa warns before leaving. If Tachihara notices the fond look on his face when he ruffles Atsushi’s hair as he passes by, he doesn’t say anything.
He knows better.
Gin is waiting in the genkan when Tachihara opens the door to let Atsushi and Akutagawa in. Atsushi doesn’t even wait for her to say anything about the two children before dumping Chuuya in her arms.
“You’re a saint, Gin,” he tells her earnestly before making a beeline for her couch.
Gin looks at Akutagawa for answers. “He’s very tired.”
“Ah.”
“And so am I,” Akutagawa continues, passing Dazai to Tachihara and following after Atsushi. He shoves Atsushi lightly. “Move over, asshole.”
“There are two couches, asshole,” Atsushi grumbles, but he makes meager space for Akutagawa anyway, wheezing when Akutagawa drops all his weight — which isn’t much, really — on him.
Gin adjusts Chuuya so she can hold him in one arm and pulls out her phone with the other. “That’s so cute,” she whispers to Tachihara.
“They have bags under their eyes, Gin. They’re exhausted.”
“Then let’s do our best to be quiet.” Gin bounces Chuuya once, delighted when he smiles at her. “Right, little one? Shh.”
Chuuya tries to copy her putting a finger to her lips and full on smacks himself in the face. Startled, his eyes widen to twice their size. Gin taps his nose lightly.
“You are the cutest baby I’ve ever seen.”
“I heard that,” Atsushi snaps.
Hirotsu throws a blanket over Atsushi and Akutagawa’s heads. “Be quiet. Go to sleep. I have a headache.”
“Thank you for the food, Gin,” Atsushi says with a warm smile.
“Oh, it’s all right. I had help.”
Tachihara swings on his chair. “How’d Dazai end up getting affected, by the way? Or is that classified?”
Atsushi groans and drops his head on the table.
“He’s just an idiot,” Akutagawa says. “He tried to chase the kid down with an ability nullifying bracelet the agency gave him. I think he forgot he’s a nullifier himself.”
“I’m going to throw him out a window when they’re back to normal,” Atsushi says. “Did he not think this would happen?”
“The more I hear about Dazai from you,” Hirotsu says, “the less inclined I am to believe he is the same person that was once one of the executives.”
Akutagawa scoffs. “You should see him when it’s dinner time. He turns into a five-year-old.”
“Don’t you have any wine?” Atsushi asks Gin. “I had to lock Chuuya’s wine cabinet because he kept trying to take out bottles and then Dazai threw the key down the drain, so now we can’t get any of his wine.”
“Can’t you just use Rashomon?” Gin asks Akutagawa.
“I could, but then we won’t be able to lock it again and I really don’t need Atsushi’s uptight coworker to give me a lecture on raising children.”
“Ah. I have beer. We bought some on our way back last night.”
Atsushi squints at Gin. “Wait a second, aren’t you too young to buy beer?”
“Hirotsu bought it for us.”
Hirotsu shrugs when Atsushi looks at him. “Do you really think the mafia cares for underage drinking? We just make sure no one gets alcohol poisoning.”
“Besides,” Tachihara says, “you can’t really be so judgy when you’re the one who asked Gin for alcohol. You’re, like, six months younger than her.”
Atsushi lifts his head and blinks at Gin. “We’re the same age?”
Gin nods.
“Since when?”
“Since . . . we were born?”
“How old are you?” Atsushi asks Tachihara.
“Same.”
Atsushi turns to Akutagawa. “Wow. You really do have zero friends your own age.”
Akutagawa whacks Atsushi with the dishcloth he planned to use to wipe the table down. “Fuck you.”
“There are little ears around, you asshole.”
“I wouldn’t be too worried,” Gin says. “Chuuya taught baby you to say dick.”
“I heard,” Atsushi says with a grin. “Kunikida wasn’t very happy about it.”
Gin leans back when Akutagawa begins to wipe the table down, smiling in something of amusement when Akutagawa lifts Atsushi’s head by his collar and drops him back on the table when he’s done. “So, what are your plans? Dazai had to be in Chuuya’s office all the time. Are they going to cause problems like that, too?”
“Yes,” Akutagawa says, “but I’ll accompany this useless bag of bones to his office because I don’t need to physically be there to work and Detective Stick-Up-His-Ass will cry if Atsushi doesn’t show up for work.”
“Ryuu, that’s mean.”
“Sorry. This sweet boyfriend of mine.”
“Ryuu!”
Gin snickers, Hirotsu hides a smile behind his teacup and Tachihara cackles.
Akutagawa pats Atsushi’s head. “Be quiet, dear. You’ll wake them.”
Atsushi swats Akutagawa’s hand away. “You’re a dick. Gin, don’t you have any tips for dealing with him?”
Gin leans back on her chair and raises her arms. “This is new to me, too.”
“Yeah,” Tachihara says. “You’re good for our little Ryuu.”
Tachihara yelps and ducks, narrowly avoiding getting impaled by Rashomon. “Dude!”
“Ryuu!” Atsushi scolds.
“He was asking for it,” Akutagawa says dismissively.
In Gin’s room, surrounded by her pillows so neither of them roll off the bed, Dazai wakes up and begins to cry.
“Ugh,” Atsushi grumbles, pushing his chair back.
Akutagawa pushes him back down into his chair as he passes. “Sit.”
Gin watches Akutagawa disappear down the hallway. “Wow,” she tells Atsushi, “you really have him wrap. . . is he sleeping upright?”
Tachihara snaps his fingers in front of Atsushi’s face. Nothing happens. “Yup.”
“Jesus, okay.”