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In a dark beach, to the sounds of waves hitting the shore, a drunk Jaewon couldn't resist the call of plump pink lips, pulling the owner of said lips towards him. It was an unconscious act, done without thinking about it and much less of it's consequences. He regretted it, because he didn't know how to deal with his feelings and he couldn't begin to comprehend Jihyun's.
He was tempted to repeat that kiss, after running away from Jihyun, after their river side talk. It was so, so tempting to give in and taste those lips again, but he wasn't drunk and he was still trying to understand what was going on between them. He was actually glad that they were interrupted by the taxi driver. It was too soon. Jihyun seemed willing but at the same time so unaware of how much of a temptation he was. Jaewon was going crazy sometimes trying to rationalize things. He couldn't understand if Jihyun was truly that oblivious or if he was flirting up a storm, while waiting for Jaewon to make the first move.
It was exciting. It made him feel alive. It also made him feel confused and scared. He was too broken to get involved with someone, he had that much awareness of himself.
The third time was frustrating. He wanted it badly. He understood Jihyun's words for what they were, a challenge. Jihyun was so much braver than he was. Bright eyes making it clear he was interested in Jaewon and leaning forward to meet his kiss. This interruption he cursed in his head a thousand times. It was still stupid to entertain the thought of a relationship with Jihyun, but he wanted to be reckless for once, to do something for himself. He wanted to be touched by Jihyun's light and bravery, to bask in the warmth of Jihyun's eyes.
He felt raw during that weekend. He had opened up about his past with Jihyun, showing himself for who he was, broken, lonely, guilty. Jaewon allowed himself to just be. So in that moment of pure, almost childish, happiness in the water, Jaewon kissed Jihyun "To cure your trauma" and was kissed back "To cause you trauma". Then they met in the middle and let loose all their pent up tension, kissing without any reserves. He was elated and so free, at last.
Spending the night with Jihyun had been magical for lack of a better word. They were inside their bubble, where past and future had no meaning, they existed in those moments only, feeling, touching and seeing each other without pretences.
It all came crashing down the next day, as it always has in Jaewon's life. He felt as if he couldn't have that happiness. He knew he was unworthy, but he never expected for life to show him just how much he still had to suffer.
Was it selfish of him to not want to cause any more pain? Was it truly selfish of him to back away, to set Jihyun free and just resign himself to be what everyone expected of him?
Those thoughts kept circling in his head. He wanted Jihyun to be free, to remain pure and untainted. Untouched from the darkness inside Jaewon.
Jihyun was light and stronger than Jaewon. He never gave up, he pushed through Jaewon's defenses until they reconnected with a kiss. A kiss between a boy and a boy, no thoughts on anyone else or their expectations of them. A kiss with a promise of a future. Jaewon would think of that future, but he wouldn't do it alone anymore. The darkness remained within him but now, at least, he could see some light.
In Jihyun's bright eyes he saw himself reflected. He was more than the weight he carried. In those kisses, he was free and deserving. He would find his own light one day.