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Caelus fidgeted in his seat, his eyes occasionally glancing over to where Himeko was enjoying her cup of coffee. He had questions he wanted to ask but he did not know what to say or how to say it. Himeko would not mind if he asked, he knew that, but that did not mean he had the courage to ask, especially when it came to that kind of question.
He pretended to be occupied playing with his phone but the screen had not moved past the game title and he had yet to notice that the game was meant to be played in portrait mode. His mind was completely occupied with imaginary scenarios of him walking up to Himeko and asking, as well as the bad endings that came with said imaginary scenarios.
“Caelus?”
Caelus immediately sat up at the sound of his name and nearly dropped his phone in the process. He scrambled to grab his device before it hit the ground, heaving a sigh of relief when he managed to catch it in the nick of time. A shadow cast over him and he looked up, his eyes meeting Himeko’s.
She moved to sit beside him and Caelus swallowed his nervousness down with a loud gulp. He had spoken to Himeko before, chatted with her over coffee, but for the first time, he was afraid. Was it her indomitable will? The powerful aura of control that she radiated? Or the fact that he had yet to determine the exact questions he wanted to ask her?
“You’ve been staring at me for a while now. Do you have something to ask me? You don’t have to be shy. Feel free to ask,” Himeko said with a warm smile and Caelus could do nothing more than apologise to his future self who might possibly be teased forever.
“I need advice…”
“About?”
“Love.”
“Love? Oh! Oh…?”
“I’m asking for a friend!” Caelus blurted out, the lie so obvious that there was no way anyone would believe that.
“A friend… Right…” Himeko said, not at all believing whatever Caelus said. “Well, what kind of love advice does your ‘friend’ need?”
Did she believe his lie or was she willing to play along? Regardless, he was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. He breathed in and out to calm himself, swallowing his fear and he asked the hardest question in the entire universe, “How do you confess to someone?”
Himeko stared at him in surprise before she smiled playfully, as if she already knew all the answers and was withholding them to watch him suffer. “Is it Dan Heng?” she asked, her voice teasing.
“No…?” Caelus answered even as he knew that the high pitch gave everything away. He insisted, hoping that Himeko would not find the truth even when he knew that it was hopeless to begin with, “I’m asking for a friend.”
“Well then, has your ‘friend’ tried going up to the person and telling the truth?”
“I can’t do that! What if he rejects me? Then it would be awkward when we have to partner up!”
Himeko raised an eyebrow and Caelus belatedly realised his mistake.
“I mean… My friend, not me. Definitely not me,” Caelus tried to correct despite the futility.
“What about a confession letter?”
“I don’t know… I mean, my friend doesn’t know how to write one.”
“Send a text message?”
“I tried—my friend tried and ended up not sending anything…”
Himeko sighed and shook her head, whether because she was growing tired of his terrible lies or because she underestimated how hopeless he was at confessing his love.
(Or maybe it was just out of disappointment at how badly Caelus’ ‘friend’ was doing.)
“Caelus,” Himeko said, her voice suddenly serious, “what does your ‘friend’ see in the person they want to confess to?”
“Er…” Caelus was at a loss, not about what to say but where to start. “He’s calm, confident, and always knows what to do. He’s smart, nice, and doesn’t look down on others. He’s just… he’s perfect…”
“So why not say that to him? Tell him why you like him then confess to him.”
“I can’t!” Caelus exclaimed, already forgetting about covering the truth. “He’ll hate me!”
“Now now,” Himeko said in an attempt to calm Caelus down. “I doubt that Dan Heng is really the kind of person to do that.”
“You don’t understand! I’m annoying, bothersome, and I keep jumping ahead without thinking! All I do is cause trouble for him and he’s only tolerating me because we’re on the same team!”
Caelus was starting to break down and Himeko was trying her best to calm him down to no avail. He kept trying to paint himself as a terrible person despite her insistence that he was jumping too quickly in the wrong direction.
“Is everything alright?”
At the sound of the familiar voice, Caelus’ mouth snapped shut and he instinctively straightened his back once again. His hands moved to his lap and he drew his knees together. He was the very picture of what a model sitting posture would look like. Perfect if it were not for the obvious tear tracks on his flushed face from his earlier breakdown and Himeko’s hand on his shoulder even as she turned to the source of the voice.
“Dan Heng,” she greeted with a nervous smile. “Everything is fine. Do you need something?”
The man looked over to where Caelus was sitting, noting the stiffness in the posture and the panic on his face. Caelus remained oblivious to the stare, his eyes watching nothing at all. It was only when Dan Heng placed a hand on his shoulder that his line of sight shifted.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, the words barely audible over Caelus’ beating heart.
“Uh…” Caelus said dumbly, his mind blanking on him.
“You can tell me anything.”
Anything? Like telling him how much he loved him?
“...What?”
“Shit,” Caelus cursed loudly when he realised he had said it out loud. He shoved Dan Heng out of the way and ran towards his room. He ran past Pom-Pom yelling at him not to run in the Astral Express, past March 7th greeting him and asking why he was running, past Welt Yang who came out to ask what the commotion was about, and he did not stop until he ran into his room and slammed the door shut. He leaned against the door and slid down onto the ground. He breathed in and out, mostly to catch his breath, but also to calm the rising panic in his chest.
He did not know how long he stayed on the ground with only his rapidly descending thoughts for company, but he snapped up when he heard a knock on the door. The knock was followed by another, and another, a chaotic rhythm of sounds until Dan Heng spoke from behind the door. His voice was muffled, but the words were all too clear. “Caelus, please let me in! I need to talk to you!”
“Go away!” he yelled back. He could not deal with the rejection, not now, not ever. He should have been better at controlling his emotions! He should have paid more attention! Now everything is ruined!
“Caelus!”
“I said go away!”
The banging stopped at those last words and Caelus felt regret shouting at Dan Heng. He did not deserve that. He should go out there and apologise, take back his words and make up some excuse that he did not mean what he said, but his body froze at the thought of leaving his safe haven to speak to Dan Heng.
“Caelus.”
It was Himeko’s voice this time and Caelus scrambled to open the door to his room before he realised what he was doing. The door slid open to reveal Himeko and Dan Heng. The latter opened his mouth, as if to say something, before quickly closing it when Himeko glanced over her shoulder at him.
“Caelus,” she said again when she turned her gaze back at him. “I understand that you’re scared…”
(Scared was an understatement. He was terrified.)
“...but I want you to give Dan Heng a chance.”
“What if he—?”
“He won’t.”
“But—”
“Caelus.”
At the sound of his name, Caelus’ mouth snapped shut, silencing the rest of the words he wanted to say.
“Do you trust me?” Himeko asked and Caelus nodded his head without hesitation. “Then trust me when I say that everything will be okay.”
“And if not?”
“Then I’ll think of something.”
There was just something about Himeko that made it difficult not to trust her. Caelus wholeheartedly believed her and even now, he could not find it in himself to discard her words.
Give Dan Heng a chance… Heck, why not? The secret was already out in the open. He already knew what was going to happen so he might as well get this over and done with. Better to suffer now than later. By the time he was done crying, he would be ready for his next trailblazing adventure.
“...Okay. Okay, I’ll hear him out.”
Himeko stepped away, allowing Dan Heng to take her place in front of Caelus. She stayed nearby, prepared to intervene if necessary.
“Caelus, I…” Dan Heng said, sounding lost and afraid, far from the usual confident demeanour he normally displayed. “Earlier, what you said… Do you mean it?”
Earlier? Everything he said was true. He could lie but his feelings were real and he could never fake it. “It’s true. You’re calm, confident, and you always know what to do. You’re smart unlike me, nice to everyone, and you don’t care that I don’t remember anything of my past. You’re perfect, beautiful, great… Unlike me…”
“Oh. I… thank you?” Dan Heng said in confusion, even as a faint blush rose up to his face. “I don’t mean that though. I meant when you said you loved me.”
“...Fuck,” Caelus cursed loudly before slapping his mouth with his hand when he realised he just cursed in front of Himeko and Welt. “I… Can we… Can you come inside, please?”
The last word was said with emphasis, almost pleading, and Dan Heng could do nothing else but obey. He nodded his head and Caelus stepped aside, allowing the man to enter the room before the door shut behind him. The lock clicked in place, preventing anyone outside from interfering. Caelus paced around his room, as if the action would help him seek out the words he wanted to say. Dan Heng remained silent, patiently waiting for Caelus to get his thoughts in order.
Eventually, Caelus came to a stop and he turned to face Dan Heng.
“Dan Heng, ever since we met, I’ve always liked you. I’ll admit that it wasn’t love at first, but that feeling changed as we spent more time with each other. However, I don’t think I’m the guy for you. You deserve someone better than me. Heck, I don’t even know if you like guys. Sorry about everything, you should forget that this ever happened. Just… can we still stay as friends?”
Hands fell upon his shoulder and Caelus looked up meeting Dan Heng’s eyes, wondering when he had looked away. The blush was gone now but on his face, there was a soft smile.
“Caelus, you’re a good person. You help everyone you come across despite not knowing who they are. You’re good with kids. You never hesitate when making a decision. To me, you’re perfect. However, I’m scared that by being with me, you’ll get hurt one day. You’re important to me, too important. I can’t let you get hurt because of me.”
“That—! That’s not your decision to make!”
“I know that!”
“Whatever happens to me is not your fault or your decision. Do you think the path of the Trailblazer is safe? I’m going to face danger regardless!”
“You’re right. You’re absolutely right. And yet… I still don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“And I don’t want to see you get hurt either. You can’t protect me forever, but I won’t stand by and let you do all the work. I can fight too! I can protect you too!”
“I…”
“Dan Heng, do you love me? Yes or no? You don’t need to come up with a different answer.”
“I do, but—”
His words were cut off when Caelus’ lips met his. He was initially taken by surprise but he leaned into the kiss just as their bodies pressed against each other. Their hands wrapped the other body, holding each other tight until they finally pulled away.
“You don’t need a different answer. No buts, nothing else,” Caelus said, determined eyes staring into Dan Heng’s own. “I don’t need anything else but you. I don’t need a different answer.”
“I don’t need a different answer,” Dan Heng repeated Caelus’ words. “Okay. You’re right, I don’t need it.”
They kissed again, sealing their love once more. At the same time, Caelus made a mental note to thank Himeko for the love advice. Would a bag of coffee beans work? Oh well, he would figure something out later.