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I’ve been sleeping next to her for the last few days. I’ve been crazy, checking her heartbeat and her breathing every minute. Sometimes I wake up from a bad dream, where she is dead in my arms and I cry screaming for her.
Then, I check on her, and she’s sleeping, her eyes closed, her chest heaving up and down calmly. Her heart, beating steadily.
I don’t want to sleep. I want to stay awake. I need to stay awake for her. I need to stay awake…
I’m here in this room, but things are different. I’m alone, except for someone. I see a child who appears to be lost. She looks like she is about three years old, and she seems so familiar. She reminds me of Yeon-seon. Her hair is braided with a pink thread, and she is wearing a hanbok like the one Yeon-seon wore when we were in the woods.
I’m scared to come closer, but I seem to be drawn to her, somehow.
“Hello,” I mumble, kneeling down to be at her eye level.
“Hello, ahjussi. ”
“What are you doing here all by yourself? I noticed you were alone, and I wouldn’t want you to be lost.”
“Oh.” She says, smiling at me. “I am fine. I’m just waiting for someone who will take me somewhere.”
“What happened?”
“I couldn’t stay with eomma for long. I’m sad to leave, but this person who is coming told me I will come back someday.”
“I see. Do you want me to stay here with you while you wait? We could wait together.”
“Would you? I don’t want to be alone. And you seem to be nice. I don’t know why, but I like you.”
I can’t help but smile at her.
“What is your name? I’m Jung Ji-un.”
She chuckles. “I know who you are, ahjussi.”
“Oh. Do you?”
How does she know who I am? Have I… been introduced to her, and I don’t remember?
“I do. That’s why I’m here with you. You’re taking care of me as eomma can’t. My name is Jung Hyun-jin. ”
I give her a smile again. “Nice to meet you, Jung Hyun-jin.”
“Nice to meet you, ahjussi. ”
I bow to her, and she bows to me as a greeting.
“Do you want me to tell you a story while we wait here?”
“I would like that very much, thank you.”
I sit on the floor, crossing my legs. She sits next to me, paying attention.
“So. I think I could say it is a real story. I was there.”
“Were you?” Her eyes are wide, and I chuckle.
“Yes. I met a princess.”
“Oh. I think I’ll like that story.”
“She was a princess who was my friend when I was younger, but I ended up not being able to talk to her until I was here.”
“Why?”
“Because she went through a hard time, and we lost each other, but I found her again. And when I found her… she was the strongest, most beautiful princess I had ever seen.”
“You must be happy to have found her,” she says.
“I am. I am very happy. I was about to lose her forever,” I whisper, choking. “But she is here with me.”
“Don’t be sad, ahjussi. She is here, isn’t she? So tell her you’re grateful to have her.”
“I will, when she wakes up. You know, Hyun-jin-ah… I want to marry her.”
“I know you do. She is going to be alright, ahjussi. Don’t worry.”
“Thank you, Hyun-jin-ah.”
She raises her head, when she sees someone coming. I think it’s the person she talked about. He is dressed in a black hanbok , embroidered with a lotus flower on the left side, with a gat over his head.
He comes closer to us, calling her.
“Jung Hyun-jin.” He mumbles. His voice is strong, powerful. “I came to take you now.”
“I have to go, ahjussi. Don’t worry about me. He,” she looks at him, “told me I’m going somewhere beautiful until I can meet my eomma again.”
Then, out of nowhere, the little girl gives me a hug, holding me tight. I smell her scent, and she smells like lotus.
“ Eomma is going to be fine, abeoji, ” she whispers to me. “She was a king. She will be alright. I can’t wait to meet you again.”
She looks at me, with big eyes, smiling wide, cupping my face with her little hands. “Don’t be sad for me. I will come back to you. Wait. You will see me again when I’m ready. I’m going to visit you when I’m with eomma again.”
She wipes tears I didn’t even realize I had shed. “Hyun-jin-ah,” I sob. “I’m sorry.”
Don’t go. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave us.
“I told you I’m fine, abeoji. I am. I’m going to miss you, but I will be fine. He is taking me somewhere just as beautiful as that garden where you met eomma.”
I cry harder when she tells me this. “Take care of her for me, abeoji. I won’t be here for a long time, but you will meet my siblings. They are coming soon. They will help you take care of her.”
She kisses my cheek as her arms are around me. “Wait for them. They will mend your heart while I’m gone.”
She finally takes the reaper’s hand.
“I will take care of her,” he tells me. “She will be safe. I promise.”
“Thank you.”
He takes my daughter away, and I stay there completely stunned, still crying, until someone wakes me up.
“Scribe Jung,” I hear a voice, and feel someone next to me, with their hand on my arm. I think it’s Court Lady Kim.
“What? Is she awake?”
“Not yet,” Court Lady Kim tells me. “I just… felt like you needed to wake up. You seemed… to be dreaming of something, and you looked upset.”
“Ah. Thank you.”
She squeezes my shoulder to comfort me.
I control myself not to cry in front of her, as she turns her back to me and leaves me alone.
I check on Yeon-seon, unwrapping her from the blanket she is tucked in.
I see there is a red spot between her legs.
I think it was true. She was going to have my daughter, and I didn’t even realize it.
I feel powerless. How couldn’t I realize she was pregnant with my child? All those times… she couldn’t eat. When she refused food because she said her stomach couldn’t stand anything, this past month. When she felt dizzy and she didn’t know why, she just assumed it was because of the obligations on her shoulders, and she forgot to drink water or to eat. She didn’t even want her favorite candies.
I just assumed she was tired, because of everything that was happening.
I lie on the ground next to her, and a sob leaves my throat.
I’m so sorry, Yeon-seon-ah.
I’m sorry, Hyun-jin-ah.
I can’t even hear a sound but my own heartbeats as I sob without my voice, torn by knowing we just lost someone who was a piece of us, and she might never know.
Eomma is going to be fine, abeoji.
I can’t wait to meet you again.
They are coming soon.
I’m sorry we did this to you, Hyun-jin-ah.
I should have known the moment you said you knew me. I should have known. I’m sorry.
Don’t be sad, abeoji. I told you I will come back to you someday, I seem to hear her telling me.
I wish you were with us now.
I know. But I will come back. Wait for me. Don’t forget me.
I keep sobbing as my chest hurts, and I can’t even scream. Everything inside me hurts.
Now, I’m going to mourn a child I didn’t even know. And she won’t know about it.
I don’t want to sleep anymore. I just want to be here with her, waiting for her to wake up.
I take her hand in mine, praying that she opens her eyes. But she can’t see me like this. I will keep it with me. I’ll wait for the day I can maybe tell her about it.
For now, I just want to hold her in my arms, until I feel whole again.
Don’t worry, Hyun-jin-ah. I will be here. I will try to breathe, for your mother and for you. I will wait for you to visit me again. I will keep your siblings safe, until you come back to us.
Goodbye, uri gongju. I hope I’ll see you soon.