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Three months after the war
I hear Ji-un mumbling in his sleep. He calls my name, desperate, screaming.
“No. No. Please.”
I turn myself to him, touching his arm. “Ji-un-ah.”
My voice breaks. I know he’s dreaming of me again. “Ji-un-ah. Wake up,” I cry, my hand caressing his face. “You’re here. Wake up and look at me.”
Please wake up. I can’t see you like this.
“Seobang-nim,” I sob, watching him. “I’m here. Come back to me.”
“I’m sorry,” he cries.
Ji-un-ah…
I call him again, whispering for him to open his eyes.
Look at me.
“Yeon-seon-ah,” he mumbles, finally looking at me.
“You’re awake,” I whisper, breathing deep, my thumb back and forth on his cheek as I sob. “You’re awake.”
I bring him closer, still crying. “I’m sorry, Ji-un-ah. I’m so sorry. I thought… I thought you would still be there. I thought you wouldn’t come back to me.”
He sobs, trying to breathe. “I wasn’t there. I was—”
“Just… stay here with me,” I plead. “You don’t need to tell me right now.”
“But there is… something I need to tell you. And it’s about this nightmare.”
“You were screaming again.”
“I’m scared, Yeon-seon-ah,” he mumbles. “I don’t want it to bring us apart. I wouldn’t be able to bear it.”
“We might have survived something bigger than this.”
“I don’t think there will ever be a moment which could be right,” he sighs, and seems to be trying to keep himself together somehow. “I wish… me telling you this would not make your burden heavier.”
He looks sad, so sad. I’ve only seen him like this when he thought we would not be together. When I became king, and he saw me begging him to stay away.
He tries to swallow hard, and sighs.
“Tell me. It might not be easy, but I’d rather you told me. Please.”
He caresses my cheek for a second, and I close my eyes. He sighs again, hesitating. His voice is uneasy, I can feel it. As if he would break at any minute. “Do you remember… when you were trying to stop your grandfather?”
“The war. Yes.”
“The poison,” he says.
“What about it?”
“A few days before you woke up, something happened. I found out… You were pregnant.”
You were pregnant.
“What do you mean… I was pregnant?”
Am I not anymore? What happened to that baby?
He looks like he can’t talk. Like he can’t say anything because he will start crumbling before me.
“Ji-un-ah,” I beg. “What happened to me? I—” I laugh nervously. “I didn’t even feel anything, if you say I was pregnant. I didn’t—” I sigh. “How could I be? How could I carry a child and I wouldn’t know about it? I’m sure you—”
“I know what I saw. You bled, and it didn’t look like—” he says, and I see his eyes glistening with tears. “I wasn’t careful… when we had our first night together, four months ago. I remember it.”
I feel a lump in my throat. “I was pregnant? Did that baby… die?”
“Yeon-seon-ah,” he mumbles, his voice broken. “I didn’t think… you could be—” He sobs. “I didn’t think you could be bearing a child. But I was wrong, and we lost our baby. It was my fault.”
I take some time to acknowledge what he just told me. I would be a mother. I would have his child. I would have his child. And now, I won’t anymore.
“We… We would have a child? And I lost it?”
I spent so many years of my life aware of the fact that I was a woman who had to take the role of a man. But when I decided to spend a night with Ji-un, to finally do something for myself, to forget I was a king, to forget I was living a forbidden role and I might never be able to leave that life... I only surrendered to that part of me because I didn’t want to die without showing him how much I loved him. I just wanted to feel what it would be like to be loved as myself. Not a king. Myself.
I didn’t think I could get pregnant, and endanger more than my own life. I was always so wary of everything around me, vigilant.
I feel like I can’t breathe. “Ji-un-ah. Tell me. Please.” I try to get air inside my lungs. “What did I do… What did I do to our baby?”
I’m sorry.
“I was dreaming of it again,” he tells me. “I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m—” I see tears in his eyes. “I felt like I had to mourn this child by myself, because… I couldn’t tell you, not until I saw you were ready to know about it. And I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry.”
He sobs, cradling my head, his forehead touching mine as he caresses my hair, and I wipe his tears. “I’m sorry you’re knowing about it like this. I didn’t mean to.”
“What did I do, Ji-un-ah…”
He looks into my eyes, cupping my cheek. “You know there wasn’t another way for you to stop him. But you’re here with me. All right? You’re here.”
He chokes, when he tells me this.
“But our baby…”
Our baby is not here.
“I dreamed of her,” he tells me. “The night she was gone.”
We would have a girl. A little girl.
“Her,” I whisper, sobbing, wrapping my arm around my stomach.
He would have loved her. He would have loved her so much. What did I do to him?
“I’m sorry I did this to you. I’m sorry I did this to us ,” I cry. “I don’t… I don’t blame you.” I stop myself, trying to breathe. “You grieved… You grieved alone until now. You grieved her alone, and I—”
“No. I’m the one who should ask for your forgiveness,” he tells me, his body close to mine, wrapping his arms around me as I sob, breathing him in.
“I lost her.”
I killed her.
“I looked at her, and she was just like you,” he mumbles, his fingers caressing my back lightly. “She called me ahjussi,” he chuckles. “I introduced myself to her, and she said she knew who I was. She was so smart. She liked to tease me just as you do.”
“Ahjussi…” I whisper, trying to laugh, and a sob leaves my throat.
“I told her about you. She said I should tell you I was grateful to have you.” His voice breaks. “And I am. She said she knew I wanted to marry you.”
I raise my head to look at him, unwrapping myself from his hold, caressing his cheeks.
“She… she told me you would be all right. She called you eomma.” He breathes deep, and a tear falls. “She knew who you were.”
She called me her mother.
“She only called me abeoji when she was saying goodbye. She called me ahjussi the whole time.” He chuckles, and then I hear him breaking again.
“She told me her name, when I came close to her, but only in the end I was able to know.” I wipe a tear off his cheek. “Hyun-jin. Hyun-jin-ah,” he cries.
I feel like I’m about to fall apart again, seeing him like this. He was the one who saw it. He saw everything. I didn’t even feel it. I couldn’t remember it. I can’t remember the day I lost my child. I’m losing her a second time as it was the first, and I’m to blame for his tears.
“I’m sorry, Ji-un-ah,” I sob. “Forgive me.”
Forgive me for everything I made you go through. Forgive me for making you lose our baby again. Forgive me.
We cry together, and I hear him whispering to me.
“She wouldn’t want you to blame yourself,” he says, caressing my hair. “She didn’t tell me that, but I know. She told me to take care of you. She said… she would get back to us. She told me we will have another chance, Yeon-seon-ah. Before she comes back to us.”
“W-what?”
“You’d tell me I’m insane, but… I believe what she said. So… just try to let go of this guilt. Please. For me. For her. I know it will be hard, because…” He pauses, his voice broken. “You’re just learning you had a child inside you. And I know my pain isn’t anything before yours.”
“I’m not—” I sob. “I’m not the one who remembers her, Ji-un-ah.”
“But you would be her mother, and I will never be able to imagine what it feels like. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve suffered back then.”
“Don’t… Don’t do this to yourself.”
“We both are feeling this pain right now,” he cries. “I’m just asking you—”
“I can’t,” I cry.
“I will be here with you until you can, all right?”
“There was a child inside me… And I did that to her.”
I look at him, and I can see how much what I’m saying hurts him, even if he doesn’t tell me. I will never know what he went through, finding out I would have his child, and then I wouldn’t anymore. But I would be her mother. I should have known. Why didn’t I?
“You did what you thought would be fair to stop the war, even if you took your own life. Even if I lost you.”
“I need to take this off me, Ji-un-ah. I need to… rip it off me,” I cry. “Help me. I can’t… I can’t stop. It hurts. My baby…”
He brings me to his arms again, and I bury my face in his chest. I hear his voice broken once more, telling me it was not my fault. I didn’t think that night would cause this.
My mind is spiraling, a thousand thoughts a minute, and I can’t stop thinking of what I should have done for that not to happen. Since the moment I asked him to spend a night with me.
I should have known that a woman who was doomed to die wouldn’t have the right to do anything for herself, not even when she thought she would cease to exist at any moment. Because she never did exist. She would never die, she would never be killed. No one would stain their hands with her blood, because she didn’t exist.
“Do I… deserve this? Do I… deserve being here? Sometimes I think… I should have—” I take a deep breath, remembering something that happened the last time I was with my grandfather. “My grandfather told me… I shouldn’t feel wronged by what he planned to do to me. Because I didn’t have a life. I never existed, because I didn’t have the right to.”
“Bu-in,” he calls me, trying to bring me back, his hand on my cheek. I feel his pain when that word leaves his lips. “Look at me.” I breathe, and lift my gaze to him. “They were the wrong ones, Yeon-seon-ah. Not you. You would never be. I know… maybe nothing I say might be enough to ease what you’re feeling, but I need you to know this.”
“They… they thought I was cursed, Ji-un-ah. I shouldn’t have been born. I couldn’t be in my brother's place because it would be treason.” I sob. “I killed my brother… and now my child.”
He pulls me close, stroking my hair. “You’re not cursed. I know you struggle to believe it, but you’re not. And I’m sure if your brother could see you he would tell you the same. He would tell you you were a good king. The best king.”
I sob even harder as he’s there holding me. I hear him sobbing too. “I love you,” he mumbles.
I’m at the beach, with my feet sinking in the sand. I woke up early and came here while the sun wouldn’t rise.
Now, I watch the sky changing colors as it rises, slowly, the waves back and forth as the water is low tide.
I look around, noticing a little girl picking shells. What is she doing here? She looks up, seeing me, and smiles, running to reach me. “Hello,” she bows, excited.
I give her a smile. “Hello.” She seems to be thinking, until she asks if she can sit by my side. I say yes. She sits by the sand next to me, crossing her legs.
“What are you doing here, ahgassi?”
“I came to visit you just once. I missed you so much,” she says out loud. “I know what you’re going through, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad.”
I see her lip tremble and a tear falling. “Why do you say that?”
“You’re sad because of me,” she sniffles. “And you shouldn’t be.” She looks at her hand, the shells she picked up. I look at her profile. Her hair is tied with a pink ribbon, and she’s wearing a lavender jeogori along with a pink skirt. She reminds me of myself.
“Are you… Hyun-jin?” Are you my daughter?
Her eyes light up, and she smiles at me. “Eomma.”
I remember the first time I called my mother by who she was, and I feel a tear going down my cheek. “Why are you here?”
“I wanted to say I’m sorry,” she mumbles. “For leaving you. I didn’t want to.”
“But I—”
“I tried to stay. But it wasn’t the right time.”
“Hyun-jin-ah,” I sob.
“I know abeoji is trying his best. When I talked to him, he took some time to recognize me.” She giggles, and I can’t help but smile.
I call her. “Would you come here?”
Hyun-jin complies with my request, and sits on my lap. I feel a breeze coming towards us.
“This is nice. Being here, with you,” she whispers, as I rock her in my arms.
“Your father told me you called him ahjussi."
She hums, smiling a bit. “I did call him that. It was funny to see him looking at me trying to remember me. But I felt he would be hurt if I laughed too much at him.”
I smile at her. “You had fun teasing him, didn’t you?”
Hyun-jin giggles again. “I’m your daughter, eomma.”
“He’s always been like that. When he realized I was a woman…”
She calls me, and I mumble, answering her. “I came here because of you. To tell you I’m sorry. I talked to my uncle, too.”
“You… you talked to Hwi?”
“Yes. He told me to tell you that he is proud of you. We saw you fighting. I know… I wasn’t anything but a tiny bean there in your belly. But I felt everything, and I know you. You are my mother.”
Tears fall from my eyes and I can’t control them anymore. I hold my daughter tighter, not wanting to let go of her.
“Do you want to know what my uncle said?”
I mumble, trying to smile. “He said… there could not be another king." She moves on my lap, turning herself to face me. "You were the one. And I agree with him.” She smiles at me wide, when she tells me this. “I’m sorry I left you, eomma. I really… didn’t mean to make you so sad. I’m sorry. It… it wasn’t my time. I wish… I could just make you feel better.”
She takes a deep breath, sighing. “I know… sometimes you don’t believe you deserve to be here. But remember halmeoni. Remember what she did to save you, even if she couldn’t be with you. You fought hard for her, for your people, and that was why I was told I had to leave you, even though I didn’t want to.”
“It was my fault, Hyun-jin-ah… I should have known. How could I do this to you?”
“ Eomma ,” she calls me. “It doesn’t matter if you tried to leave this world to save your people, and you didn’t know I was with you. You wouldn’t be able to protect me, because I was not ready. I would leave you anyway, even if I was sad to do so. I wouldn’t stay for long. I was just told I would go earlier, but I would go nevertheless. If the war had not happened, your life would still be in danger, because I was there with you when I couldn’t be. You were not a man, you were not my uncle. You were a woman who was a king. And I wanted you to live.”
I wanted you to live, she tells me. My heart seems to squeeze inside my chest, breaking and mending at the same time. I can't help crying harder, because the daughter I never met is telling me she left me because she knew what I was going through. She left me earlier than she should have, and she's trying to take the guilt I feel for losing her out of me. The guilt I feel because the poison I took to save my people, taking my own life, killed her, and I survived. She knew she would go away, because I was someone I could never be, and I carried her in my womb as I fought for my people. I carried her inside me, and she knew it would risk my life even more. All of that only because I was no man. I was a king, but I was not a man. I was not my brother. I was the twin who was erased because she was born a woman.
“You were so strong, eomma. I’m proud to be yours. I’m proud of you. You were a king.” She smiles at me. “ Halmeoni saw you this whole time. She said no other woman could do what you did.”
I reach my hands to her face, trying to smile. “You look like her, too, you know that? She was the most beautiful Crown Princess.”
My daughter keeps smiling. “She said I reminded her of you.” I feel her fingers on my face, wiping my tears as she looks at me. “ Eomma," she calls again. "I need you to promise me something. I can't go without having you promise it to me."
"I will."
"I don't want you to forget me. Whenever you remember me, don't be sad. I told you you're not to blame for losing me. I will come back to you."
I smile at her, agreeing. "I promise."
" Abeoji saved you, and he loves you. He loves you so much. Tell him I’m thankful for that. For saving you and making you happy. And I’m grateful you lived. I’m grateful I was there with you. I can’t wait to be here again."
More tears fall when I listen to her asking me this, and I try to smile again, as her hands touch my face, and I notice something I didn’t before. There is a red thread on her left wrist, connecting her to me.
“You saw it now, didn’t you? This thread.” She smiles at me. “This is the sign that I will be back. They told me. If you hadn’t survived, we would lose each other. You would lose abeoji, too. But… I doubt you would not find one another again, you know? The love you feel is too strong for you to never meet a second time, or in any other life you might live, even if it happened. I know my parents.”
She wraps her arms around my neck, and I hold her tight. “I need you to remember that.”
“I don’t want you to go, Hyun-jin-ah.”
“I have to. But Hee-jin is coming with my brother. You don’t need to be sad. Not anymore. If you feel like that, remember this. Remember me.”
Hyun-jin takes my hand, giving me one of the shells she picked before she saw me.
“I told abeoji I would be back. You will have to wait, but they are coming. You will know when they’re here. I’m going to miss you so much.” She smiles at me one last time. “I’ll see you soon, eomma."
“I’m going to miss you, too.”
I see her walking away, and I watch her as she makes the same path back to where she came from, still amazed by the seashells. She stops once, and waves me goodbye, with a big smile on her face.
“Thank you, Hyun-jin-ah. I promise I will tell him everything.”
She keeps walking, until I can’t see her anymore, and I can only listen to Ji-un’s voice whispering to me.
I open my eyes, and I see a shell next to me, just like the one Hyun-jin gave me in my dream.
"I went to the beach before you woke up," Ji-un tells me, kneeling down and leaning over me, his hand caressing my hair. "I couldn't sleep anymore, so I went for a walk, and I found that shell on the sand."
“She did this,” I tell him. “I saw her, Ji-un-ah.”
“What happened?”
I sit on the mattress. “Hyun-jin. I saw her,” I mumble, and a tear falls. “I dreamed of her. She told me about you, and she… She apologized to me.”
He looks at me, wiping my tears, bringing me to his arms. “She said… we would lose her anyway, because she couldn’t stay. She wouldn’t stay, because she wanted me to live.”
Ji-un taps my back, slowly, as I cry holding him, and I don’t want to let him go. “I promised her I would tell you.” I take his face in my hands, caressing his cheeks. “She asked me to tell you she is grateful you saved me. Because she will find us again and we didn’t lose each other.”
I touch his forehead with mine. “She said… even if I hadn’t survived, she believed you and I would meet again.”
I see him smiling. “We would,” he mumbles.
“I love you. I love you so much.”
“We found each other three times in this life.” His hand reaches my hair, pulling a strand of it behind my ear. "I would never stop looking for you."
“We would be together in any lifetime.”
"Even if I lost you, I would find you again. Always."