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Atsushi’s life had always been, what others would consider out of the norm.
He knew the conditions he grew up in were by no means suited for a child. He’d seen the way his peers were treated differently, no, better than him.
But back then, he’d at least been told that it was because he wasn’t worth anything else. He didn’t deserve any of the nice things all the others got.
For him, there were no toys or special desserts on his birthday. In fact, it’d taken years for him to figure out that one’s birthday was supposed to be a cause for celebration.
The only “present” he ever got was another brutal reminder of how much of a burden his life was on others.
So, he knew that he didn’t grow up in a normal environment.
Joining the agency had certainly helped in that regard.
His colleagues were so different from what he’d come to know. They treated him kindly and with respect.
When he messed up, they showed him how to do better next time. They didn’t hurt him, no matter how often he thought that now, now was the day he’d messed up too bad.
It never happened.
And slowly but surely, he started adjusting to his new life. It was difficult and confusing, but he had colleagues, friends, that he could count on.
When they first heard that he was expecting to be physically punished by their president, there was a deafening silence and even Ranpo had looked at him.
After that, Dazai had taken the time to explain that he would never experience the same treatment from the orphanage, here at the agency.
Atsushi was still working on it, but he was steadily unlearning his trained behaviour.
No longer would he flinch whenever someone raised their arm around him or raised their voice just a bit too loud.
He was starting to feel at home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Atsushi didn’t know when exactly he started noticing the change. It was only as he began experiencing it more often that he took note of it.
At first, the way his mind would grow slightly fuzzy was only there when he was tired. Exhausted after a mission or a long day at the office.
He thought nothing of it, simply shrugged it off as another odd thing about him. Especially when it helped him sleep so much better. He felt calm and safe, it kept the nightmares at bay.
So, whenever he felt it coming on as he was getting ready for bed, he was relieved, almost happy. He knew that he could relax and have a peaceful night.
Atushi only got worried when he noticed it happening more often, and during the middle of the day.
It made it difficult to think and concentrate on the job he was supposed to be doing. Words came much harder to him, and he tried to conceal it by staying in the background of any work-place squabbles between his colleagues.
Often-times he ended up zoning out, only snapping out of it at Kunikida’s loud lectures about Dazai’s lack of completed paperwork.
What had once been a helpful way to calm down his racing mind, was now turning into an unwelcome disruption from his work.
More than once he’d thought about asking for help, but then changed his mind.
He didn’t even know what he wanted help with. If he simply said that he was having trouble concentrating and reading documents, they might just call him lazy.
Kunikida would probably think that he was only trying to get out of work like Dazai.
And Dazai, Atushi didn’t even know what his mentor would say. Would he laugh and clap Atsushi on the back for inventing such a lie to get out of paperwork? Would he tell him to pull himself together?
In the end, he was too scared to ask.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Atsushi was seriously starting to regret coming into work today.
He’d been feeling the exhaustion of their last mission coming in for a few days now.
The mission itself hadn’t even been all that difficult. Due to interference from the Mafia, though, he’d had to team up with Akutagawa and that by itself was enough to make him want to sleep for three days straight.
Of course, all their bickering had led to them being discovered and from then on it had been chaos.
How they had managed to complete the mission was a miracle that Atsushi still hadn’t quite grasped.
That had been three days ago.
The resulting clean-up had taken forever, and then the paperwork. God, the paperwork.
For all its disturbances, Atsushi had been glad for the fuzzy feeling that had come on last night.
The only problem was that it still hadn’t left.
He’d woken up that morning and almost gone right back to sleep. It was so warm and comfortable, he was almost upset when Kyouka had called for him to get up.
Now he was sitting at his usual desk in the office. The noise of shuffling papers, scratching pencils, and quiet conversations only swept past his ears.
He was sure there was something he was supposed to be doing, but it wasn’t interesting enough to hold his attention.
Instead, he’d taken to observing his mentor.
Dazai was currently busy constructing a house out of folded reports. He’d gotten quite far, too. Two stories and even a balcony. Now, he was trying to add a little fence, presumably for the garden.
It was very entertaining to watch, and certainly better than whatever paperwork was waiting for Atsushi on his desk.
The tranquil atmosphere was shattered when Kunikida noticed Dazai’s creation.
“DAZAI!”
Dazai accidently nudged the wrong paper, and it all came tumbling down.
“Kunikidaa~, now I’m going to have to start all over again.”
“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?”
The bandaged man leaned back in his chair.
“Why, isn’t it obvious? I’m making something beautiful out of this dull paper.”
Not a hint of guilt was seen on his face, only a lazy smirk that was sure to drive Kunikida up the wall.
“WHY YOU-”
Yup. Dazai was now trying not to get brutally killed by his partner.
Atsushi had initially jumped just like Dazai, when Kunikida had suddenly started screaming.
Unlike his mentor, though, he wasn’t so good at shrugging off the anxiety to came with shouting.
Atsushi was fearfully looking between the two men, getting increasingly worked up as the fight continued.
He didn’t notice green eyes watching his every move.
Instead, he was doing his best to curl into himself, trying to make himself as little of a target as possible.
At another harsh yell, he quietly whimpered.
It was too loud. There was too much shouting.
He didn’t want to be here anymore. Please, somebody make it stop.
He was scared.
“Kunikida, that’s enough.”
Atsushi startled.
It was said in a normal voice, no yelling. But the voice was right next to Atsushi.
How hadn’t he noticed someone coming so close?
When he turned his head, he was surprised to see their resident detective standing next to him.
His green eyes open, taking another moment to pointedly look at the squabbling pair before letting his eyes meet Atsushi’s.
The usual piercing glare was now replaced with a soft look that wasn’t often found on Ranpo.
Even though he hadn’t raised his voice, the effect was the same.
Kunikida had immediately halted in his rant. It wasn’t like Ranpo to interrupt his fights with Dazai, so when he did, it was normally for good reason. And he wasn’t the only one who heard the unusually serious tone.
Atsushi didn’t take note of the attention that he was now receiving from half the office, solely focusing on the man in front of him.
Ranpo even took the care to crouch down in front of him, before slowly taking one of Atsushi’s hands that he’d begun to pull his hair with.
“Are you alright, Atsushi? The shouting’s over now, I promise.”
Was he alright? Atsushi wasn’t sure. The loud noises were gone now, but something still wasn’t right.
“Scared.”, his voice came out much more hesitant and quieter than normal.
Ranpo hummed in response.
“I bet. Your head must feel pretty weird right now, huh?”
Atsushi gave a small nod. “Fuzzy.”
Ranpo smiled softly, like he understood exactly what Atsushi meant.
He wondered how Ranpo knew that, then mentally shook his head. Of course, Ranpo knew, he was the best detective ever.
Maybe that meant he wasn’t so weird then? If Ranpo knew, he must have known from somewhere, right?
Light hope began to flutter in his chest.
“Atsushi?”
He blinked, it seemed Ranpo had been talking to him.
Oh no, was he mad?
But he was still gazing at Atsushi with a patient smile, seemingly giving him time to get out of his head.
Weird. Atsushi cocked his head to the side. Wasn’t Ranpo usually way more impatient?
“Come on, kid. Let’s go to my table, you won’t get any work done like this.”
Atsushi stared at the hand reached out to him, then took it and followed the older detective.
When it appeared Kunikida was about to intervene, a quick glare from Ranpo was enough to silence the man.
Atsushi didn’t know why Ranpo said it was okay not to do work, but he wasn’t about to complain.
He didn’t want to do work.
Work was boring and hard. Reading all the big words on the reports that he couldn’t even properly understand was frustrating.
Rustling distracted him from his thoughts and soon he was presented a lollipop from Ranpo’s stash.
It had a pretty packaging, with lots of colours.
Atsushi had never had one before, was he really allowed to have it?
He looked up at Ranpo with big eyes, did the detective really mean that he would share with Atsushi?
“You can take it. It’s okay, I have a bunch of them.”
After hesitating for another second and when Ranpo didn’t pull away, Atsushi took the candy.
Now he was faced with an entirely different problem, though. He had no idea how to remove the plastic.
When he couldn’t find an opening point, he began fiddling around the stem. The plastic wouldn’t budge.
Maybe he could rip it with his teeth?
He was about to try, when a small huff directed his attention back to Ranpo.
The detective was looking at him, an amused smile on his face.
“Need some help? It’s fine, I know how hard it can be to get those open.”
Atsushi was a little scared that he might not get the candy back, but he trusted Ranpo.
Within a few seconds, Ranpo had expertly torn of the packaging and given the lollipop back to Atsushi.
Atsushi sniffed it. It smelt really sweet. He didn’t know what the flavour was, but the bright red colour gave him some hint.
He carefully tried licking it. His eyes widened. It was really good! Probably strawberry, but he couldn’t quite tell with the artificial flavour. He loved it, though.
Ranpo had led him to the chair, the man positioning himself on the tabletop, instead.
And now Atsushi was happily swinging his feet, eating his candy. He really hoped he could have candy more often.
Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Dazai coming over to them.
Kunikida had gone back to his work, but still sent glances over occasionally.
Atsushi didn’t pay it any mind. Ranpo had said that he didn’t have to do work, so he was happy with his lollipop.
Ranpo and Dazai had a quiet conversation that Atsushi didn’t hear. He didn’t really care, it was probably something boring about work, anyway.
He did look up, however, when Dazai turned his attention to him.
“You doing alright, Atsushi-kun?”
“Mhm.” He held out his lollipop. “Candy!”
Atsushi didn’t really see what was so funny about that, so he was confused when Dazai chuckled.
He did like it, though, when his mentor ruffled his hair. He leaned into it without even really thinking about it. Dazai’s hand was warm, it felt nice.
He wasn’t happy when Dazai pulled his hand away again, a low whine making it out his throat.
“Aww, you’re so cute Atsushi-kun~”
He scrunched up his nose. Atsushi didn’t think he was cute. He wanted head-pats.
They all turned their heads when the door to the agency opened. A client. Atsushi simply went back to his lollipop, it was already smaller than at the beginning.
A hand on his shoulder made him look back up at Dazai.
“Come on, Atsushi. How about we go home for the day, hm? Let’s leave the others to all the boring paperwork.”
Kunikida’s outcry of complaint went ignored.
Dazai held out his hand to Atsushi and wiggled his fingers.
Atsushi stared at his hand before slowly lifting his own. Hesitantly, he wiggled his fingers back.
A choked sound came from Ranpo.
Dazai only smiled at Atsushi’s confusion and gently took the boy’s hand in his own, pulling him to his feet.
“Did you bring a jacket, Atushi?”
A head shake was the reply.
“Ts, it’s getting colder again, Atushi. You don’t wanna catch a cold, so you gotta dress warm.”
Dazai didn’t get a reply aside from a wide-eyed stare.
“Oh well, let’s go then. Say goodbye to our coworkers, Atsushi~.”
“Bye!”, Atsushi tried to wave with the hand that still held his candy.
A round of “Goodbye Atsushi”s came in response.
The way to the dorms wasn’t too long. The worst was the noise in the city. Cars and people everywhere weren’t easy on the poor weretiger’s sensitive ears.
Somewhere along the way, he finished his candy and Dazai threw the remaining stem away for him. But now he had nothing to distract him from the commotion around him.
Atsushi spent most of the time trying to press himself as close to his mentor as possible.
The man didn’t do more than begin to draw small circles on the other’s hand in an attempt to comfort him.
Atsushi was glad when they finally went through a door that blocked of most of the outside noise.
Chucking off his shoes, Atsushi realised that this wasn’t his apartment. This meant it could only be Dazai’s. But why would Dazai take him to his own apartment?
He looked at mentor in confusion.
“Something the matter, Atsushi?”
He opened his mouth to answer but nothing came out. Atsushi couldn’t form the words to ask his question, but there were no simple words to describe what he wanted to say.
Atsushi grunted in frustration, his lips pressed together, no intelligibly sound being able to escape him.
“Hey, it’s alright, Atsushi. If you can’t talk right now, that’s fine. Can you maybe try to show me what you mean?”
Dazai had taken to crouching in front of him, holding both Atsushi’s hands, and keeping him from curling them into fists.
He huffed, this was so stupid. Why was talking so hard for him? It didn’t make any sense.
“Are you maybe wondering why I brought you here?”
Atsushi nodded. He was glad Dazai was so smart.
“Simple, I didn’t want to leave you all alone in your apartment. And I happen to know how to deal with someone, who is in your state. Unless, of course, you feel uncomfortable. In that case I can bring you to your place, no problem.”
Atsushi frantically shook his head. He didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t know why, but for some reason it would feel horrible to be left alone right now.
“Then it’s settled. You’ll simply stay here until you feel okay enough to leave. Come along, I’ll show you around.”
Dazai stood back up and began walking towards the main room.
Atsushi trailed closely behind him, still holding onto one of Dazai’s hands. The brunet didn’t seem to mind, energetically filling up the space with his chatter. Atsushi wasn’t really listening to most of it, but it didn’t appear as though he was expected to answer.
“How about we watch a movie, Atsushi?”
They had moved to the couch now, closely sitting together.
“Hm, let’s see, what shall we pick~”
Dazai was quickly looking through the options, too fast for Atsushi to be able to really make out much. It was fine, though. Atsushi barely knew any movies, anyway, he would hardly be able to help.
“Oooh~, this one’s a classic.”
The man had stopped on a movie that showed the picture of a talking fire? Atsushi wasn’t sure, but before he could discern much else, Dazai had already clicked on start.
The movie was really nice. The main character was a girl that got cursed to look really old and then she found a magic walking house. Atsushi was having a hard time keeping track of everything.
Before long, his eyes were getting harder to hold open. Leaning sideways, he fell against something warm.
The warmth made a strange noise, but Atsushi was too tired to open his eyes again. And when he felt a familiar hand start carding through his hair, he decided he didn’t mind just staying here.
Atushi was almost asleep when something started shifting him around.
He couldn’t help but whine at the discomfort, and he grabbed onto the first thing he could find. Some soft fabric, now bundled up in his grip.
“Shh, it’s okay. Just trying to get you in a more comfortable position. You can go ahead and sleep, Atsushi.”
His head was placed on something warm and soft, where he could properly lie down, and he felt a blanket being spread over him.
The hand from before was back now, gently playing with his hair, making him melt even further into the surface underneath him.
There were no loud noises hurting his ears anymore. And the scent surrounding him gave off a sense of safety and comfort that Atsushi barely felt these days.
But for now, he could let go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dazai looked down at the sleeping boy in his lap.
It wasn’t surprising that Atsushi had started regressing as a coping method to calm down. If anything, he’d expected it. The signs were all there and Ranpo had only confirmed it.
Dazai doubted that Atsushi knew what exactly was going on. The boy had a tendency to keep things to himself until he absolutely couldn’t hide it anymore, for fear of bothering anyone.
The path to unlearning all of his learnt responses from the abuse he went through was long, and Atsushi had barely had the time to properly start taking it. Still, the fact that Atsushi had already found a way to start coping with his troubles, was already a start.
Dazai knew that Atsushi would still require help in the future, and he was prepared for it. Actually, this kind of brought him to... well, best not to dwell on the past.
Tomorrow, the boy would, no doubt, be mortified. It wouldn’t be a surprise if he decided to stay home at first, to escape the embarrassment.
Dazai would be there, though, to reassure him. To explain that what was happening to him was normal, and that there was nothing to feel bad or guilty about.
He knew that it wouldn’t be that easy.
Atsushi would be convinced needed to apologise, and it would take a lot for him to believe anything that Dazai said.
Dazai wasn’t worried, though. He knew it would turn it fine in the end.
After all, this wasn’t his first rodeo.