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“Are you sure that this is okay?” Renjun asks, burrowing his nose into his checkered scarf. Mark looks down at him, and Renjun blinks up at the taller man. Mark just smiles and pats the top of his head, making Renjun’s nose scrunch up.
“I wouldn’t bring you here if it wasn’t okay, Jun. Don’t worry, it’s just dinner with my family.” He says, looking at his watch as they make their way up to the front door. Renjun can feel his hands shaking a little bit, but he doesn’t want to alert the older man to his nervousness.
“Yeah… just dinner.” He says quietly, but Mark pays him no mind. Renjun fiddles with the dainty ring on his pointer finger. “This is your brother’s place, right?” Mark nods absentmindedly, making an affirmative sound before stepping up to the door, knocking on it sharply.
A man who looks exactly like Mark but much older opens the door, his gaze dark as he looks at the pair of them. Renjun can see the way Mark’s posture stiffens, realizing this must be his dad. Renjun bows deeply, just as Mark speaks up.
“Father.” He says simply, putting his hand on Renjun’s back, making him stiffen up back to a proper posture. Mark’s touch sends a jolt up his spine. “This is Renjun. I told you that I would be bringing him.” Mark’s father eyes him, and Renjun feels his blood running cold at the way that he looks him up and down.
“Bit of a young one, don’t you think?” Mark’s father says, and Renjun’s cheeks turn a ruddy red at the slight jab. Of course, he’s not the first one to make such a comment (Renjun’s mother had quite a few choice words about that) but it’s still embarrassing every time it happens. Their age gap isn’t even that bad!
Mark doesn’t respond, his lips pressing into a line. Mark’s father steps back to let them into the house, taking his leave. Renjun steps carefully over the threshold, unwinding his scarf from around his throat. He takes his coat off and hangs it up on the coat rank, putting his scarf on the same hook. The air in the house is cool, and he feels a shiver climb up his spine. He doesn’t mind it though. The autumn decor of the house gives off a warm aura despite the cold.
Mark’s hand comes up to the small of Renjun’s back, leading him through the house to the living room, where an older woman is sitting, along with who looks like Mark’s older brother. The woman looks up when she hears their footsteps, and she stands with a warm smile on her lips when she catches sight of them.
“Mark, and this must be… Renjun? Yes?” Renjun nods shyly, a little taken aback by the difference between Mark’s parents and their greetings. She comes over and takes his hands in hers, smiling brightly. “Mark’s told me about you! You’re in college right? Art school?” Renjun squeaks at the sudden touch, but he nods, eyes darting over to glance at Mark, who had moved away from him to speak to his brother.
“Y-yeah, I’m in my second year of art school.” Renjun stutters through his words, and Mark’s mom just squeezes his hands. Her warmth reminds him of his own mom, and he can’t help but relax a little bit at that.
“Second year!” Renjun winces inwardly, biting down on his already torn up lip from the anxiety. “Oh, don’t worry, dearest, I won’t berate you for your youth. Mark just hadn’t mentioned it before, so it surprised me.” She pats his hands, and lets them go. “I’m going to finish up dinner, play nice with the boys, why don’t you?” Renjun nods, shuffling his feet awkwardly. Mark’s mother leaves to the kitchen, and Renjun looks over at Mark and his brother.
They’re discussing something, their voices low enough that Renjun can’t hear it, and that makes anxiety spike in his chest. He shakes his head, steeling himself before picking his way to Mark’s side, bumping his shoulder against the older man’s slightly.
“Hi.” he says softly, meekly. He can’t help but feel so small sometimes. Mark looks down at him and wraps an arm around his waist, pulling him into his side. Renjun sighs softly, relaxing into the touch, so familiar and reassuring.
“Hi babe.” Mark says, pressing a kiss to the top of Renjun’s head. Truth be told, Renjun hates that. He already feels like such a kid when he’s with Mark, he doesn’t need to be reminded of that. But he says nothing, letting the action happen. Not worth the fight it would cause.
–
Renjun isn't one for parties, if he is being honest. He’s been to a few with his art school friends, followed Junhui and Minghao around like a lost puppy until the older pair had graduated, but nothing like the ones that Mark takes him to with his friends.
Of course, that’s because they’re all much older than him. Even the youngest, a firecracker named Haechan, is 3 years older than him, graduated and working on his own. Renjun still lives in a dorm room he shares with another Chinese student, and he feels so out of place here.
He’s not even old enough to drink the glass of wine that Mark had placed in front of him at the start of dinner. He’s not sure exactly why Jaehyun, one of Mark’s friends, had put it in front of him in the first place. They knew he was only 20. Maybe they expected him to break the rules? Renjun’s personality wasn’t like that. Plus, he was too nervous to drink anyway. He didn’t want to mess this up.
He hasn’t been following the line of conversation, and what little he had heard had gone completely over his head. Something to do with Mark’s work, and from what he gathered, most of the people at the dinner were friends of Mark’s from the company. He had learned some names, Johnny, Jaehyun, Haechan, Yuta. A few faces he couldn’t put to names. They were nice enough, though.
Renjun reaches out to take Mark’s hand, but he recoils when Mark shrugs him off, patting his hand and putting it back on the table. His fingers curl, his nails digging into the palm of hand hard enough to draw blood. Shame builds in his stomach, and he swallows deeply, feeling the lump in his throat. He’s not sure if he’s about to throw up or cry, so he doesn’t take the chance.
“I’ll be right back.” He murmurs to Mark, and the older man doesn’t even respond to him, too enthralled in the conversation to even involve Renjun in it. Renjun flees to the bathroom that he had been shown earlier in the night when they were wandering around, and closes the door, turning the lock.
Tears spill down his cheeks as soon as the door is closed, and he leans over the sink, his head bowed. It’s not like this is the first time something like this has ever happened. Mark had a tendency to remind Renjun of just how young, how stupid, how naive he was. He knew exactly how to get under Renjun’s skin and make him feel so small.
“Stop, stop.” Renjun mutters to himself, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes, willing the tears to stop flowing. “He didn’t mean it, he was just focused on the conversation. It’s not his fault. These are his friends, of course he wants to catch up with them. Didn’t he say he’s known Johnny for 15 years? That’s most of your lifetime, who are you to get in between that?”
The pep talk calms him down eventually, and Renjun looks at himself in the mirror. Luckily for him, he was never one to get red eyes after crying, and his skin didn’t look that splotchy. He runs his hands under the water and lightly taps his skin a few times, trying to bring some life back to his features.
He exits the bathroom to see one of the girls at the party who was around Renjun’s age standing by the door. He doesn’t remember her name, truth be told. Her gaze turns to him, and he bows his head slightly. She smiles warmly, but then looks at him in concern.
“Are you okay? What happened?” Renjun’s spine stiffens just a bit. Does he look like he’s been crying? “You were in there for a while, did dinner not agree with you?” She laughs softly, and Renjun feels himself relax just a little bit. He forces out a laugh, shaking his head.
“I’m good, my contact was just bothering me a little bit. Nothing a few eye drops couldn’t solve.” Her smile brightens back up with a giggle, and she breezes past him to the bathroom, close enough that he can smell the fruity remnants of perfume. He sighs. Back to reality.
–
Renjun’s washing the dishes after lunch when what feels like all hell breaks loose. It’s not even been a day since the dinner with Mark’s friends, and he feels like he has been walking on eggshells the entire time. There’s a bit of anger bubbling under the surface of his feelings, and he knows that Mark can feel it. Mark has always been too good at reading his emotions.
“Why are you so pissed?” Mark says, folding his arms over his chest. Renjun stops, soapy hands gripping onto a plate. He blinks, not turning to face the older man.
“I’m not pissed off. What makes you think that I’m pissed off?” He says casually, keeping his voice level. He continues washing the dishes, placing the wet dishes on the drying rack.
“You’re acting pissed off. This is so fucking ridiculous, those guys are my friends! They were so fucking nice to you as well, especially Johnny.” Mark bites out, and Renjun curls his hands, his nails biting into his palm.
“I like your friends. What makes you think that I don’t like them? I never said that I didn’t.” Renjun says, drying off a hand to run it through his already messy hair, the brown strands falling back into place.
“Well then why were you being-”
“I didn’t like the way that you act around them, that’s all.” Renjun interrupts, and he turns to see Mark’s jaw set, his eyes glinting with a dangerous emotion.
“You were being so weird and quiet around them, what the fuck was that?” Mark snaps, and Renjun crosses his arms over his chest defensively.
“I was not being weird, what are you even talking about?” Renjun sighs, looking at his boyfriend.
“Yes you were, don’t even start that bullshit with me, Renjun.” Mark sneers, and Renjun throws his hands up in exasperation.
“You weren’t even paying attention to me, how would you know how I was acting, huh?” Mark rolls his eyes at Renjun, and that sends a pang into Renjun’s heart. Does he even care about how Renjun was feeling?
“Oh, come the fuck on.” Mark says, a condescending tone spreading through his words like venom.
“You didn’t even ask me one thing all night, like at all!” Mark snorts, shaking his head like Renjun is a kid.
“This is such bullshit, I can’t believe this.”
“You brushed off my hand! You dropped my fucking hand, how was I supposed to feel? You wouldn’t look at me or talk to me, just kept laughing and ignoring me like I was some doll or a child or something.”
“You are a child, the way that you’re acting with this.” Mark retorts, and Renjun feels like he is seeing red. “I didn’t drop your hand, you’re being so dramatic about this.”
“I don’t know any of these people, Mark! They’re all older than me, I don’t know anything about them. You’re the only one who I was even comfortable around, of course I wanted to hold your fucking hand.”
“Why are you making this all about you, oh my god, I don’t even know what the fuck you’re attacking me about like… what do you even mean ‘you dropped my hand’ like what?” Mark’s voice keeps rising, and Renjun feels like he can’t decide between running away or standing his ground.
“You’re making me feel so fucking stupid right now, Mark.” Mark rolls his eyes again, a snort leaving his lips.
“I was literally having the best time, catching up with people I haven’t seen in years, work friends, and you just sit there like a fucking dark cloud the entire time, and now you’re holding me hostage over some moment that I don’t even remember. I had a blast, and you’re making this all about you.”
“You were treating me differently!” Mark rubs his temples, and Renjun feels like he’s stuck under his father’s thumb all over again.
“What are you even talking about, I treated you exactly the same.”
“You wouldn’t even look at me!”
“What are you talking about, ‘I didn’t even look at you’?”
“Why won’t you even listen to me?”
“I was catching up with my friends, what the fuck do you want me to do?”
“Oh they were enthralled by you, trust me, Mark. You’re such a perfect fucking person, wouldn’t even look at his boyfriend who he dragged all the way there-”
“You’re making this all about you, holy shit. I can’t actually believe you’re making this all about you. How fucking selfish and childish.”
“Oh so now I’m selfish and childish, huh? That’s what you’re gonna make this into?” Renjun screams back, his chest heaving with emotion. He feels like the world is ripping apart at the seams. “If you think I’m childish, then why the fuck are you dating me at your big fucking age then huh?” Mark stops in his tracks, dark eyes boring into Renjun’s soul. He’s never seen this expression on Mark before, and it scares the fuck out of him.
“Why indeed?”
–
Renjun stays in his dorm room for a week after they break up. He tells Chenle over and over that they are never getting back together. (He understands Chenle’s hesitance over the matter, they had been off and on for the better part of a year at this point, but he’s serious this time.) Chenle tries to get him to leave the dorm, to do more than attend classes and eat ramen in silence in his bed, but Renjun is borderline inconsolable.
A part of him died when Mark left, and he doesn’t know if he will ever heal from that.
–
2 years later
–
“Yeah, I’m on my way back home.” Renjun says, cradling his phone between his ear and his shoulder as he rounds the corner, Chenle on the other line. “Jisung and I have a standing date, and it’s his turn to- oof!” He exclaims as he runs into another body, dropping his backpack on the ground. “Fuck, Chenle hold on, I’ll-” He looks up at the other man picking up his things, and a shudder runs up his spine. “I’ll call you later, I have to go, bye.” His phone clatters to the ground, and the other hand reaches out, the lockscreen (a picture of him and Jisung in the snow) lights up.
“New plaything?” Mark laughs softly, holding the phone out to Renjun with a gleam in his eyes. Renjun feels like he wants to scream.
“That’s none of your business, you made that perfectly clear.” Renjun bites back, picking up his things quickly, grabbing a sketchbook out of Mark’s hands roughly.
“Finally someone… more appropriate for your age, huh?” Renjun curls his hands into fists, standing up quickly.
“It’s not my fault you dated someone 7 years younger, Mark. It’s not my fault that you gaslit and destroyed me. I’m finally better now, so leave me the fuck alone.” Mark rolls his eyes, and Renjun feels 20 again, remembering that fight in the kitchen like it was yesterday.
“I didn’t do shit to you, Renjun. You self destructed all on your own, just like you worried about.” The words feel like knives. “I hope you have fun with your new…. Boy. I hope you don’t ruin it again.” Mark straightens up and brisks away, leaving the pieces of Renjun behind for him to pick up again.