Chapter Text
Cameras flashed from all sides of the pulsing crowd, their flares billowing into an explosion of sparks lasting for mere milliseconds. It seemed as if a hundred lightning bolts were striking the surface as the surroundings burned white, fading to its normal colours, before the cycle repeated with the aggressive clicking of the machines. Thousands of heads whipped in the girl's direction as she walked down the red carpet, brown perfect curls falling into pretty cascades as she lifted her pure white gown spread out over the floor, trailing after her, making people part as she walked past with gait and flourish, eyes in awe of the beautiful, daunting brunette.
“SHOKO!!” A bunch of fans screamed from the side, waving their hands frantically to try and catch the girl, desperate cries lingering in Shoko's wake, wanting to fall right into her arms.
Shoko’s security guards held the fans back, obstructing them from getting to the child star. This didn’t stop their rabid and over excited screaming, however. For politeness, Shoko raised her hand to throw a friendly charming smile and a wave at them as she passed - sending them gushing with happiness, some stumbling right over their feet as a stream of swooning gasps left their lips in dreamy sighs.
Well, she didn’t really have time to stop and talk to them. As much as she loved her fans, they could get a little bit annoying at times - especially when all Shoko wanted to do today was just to grab her awards and leave for home where she could kick back and relax. Stopping by for idle chat was nothing but a waste of her time.
Quickening her pace subtly, Shou meng slid seamlessly through the crowd of famous celebrities and pop stars, all who tipped their heads at the girl’s arrival in curt smiles.
“Hey, it’s the famous child star.” Whispered one from the other, whilst raising a glass of red wine to her lips.
“Shoko, her name was it? Been hearing that everywhere after her comeback in the movie, served as always…”
Shoko walked past them, barely stopping herself from grinning ear to ear at their compliments in time. The two celebrities quietened down as she passed, as if none of them dared to speak in the presence and aura of the girl, words giving way to emptiness as their eyes followed her figure in the distance.
“Yeah, her acting is truly amazing. She has potential - a lot of potential. It's like she was made for it, for this..” The other commented, the last Shoko heard before they finally slid out of earshot.
Yes! Praise me more! Shoko’s inner self hollered with enthusiasm and flattery, but she pushed that thought down, knowing she had to act professional. Keeping her fingers poised nicely on her lap, she sat in her reserved seat, nodding her head politely and making small talk with the celebrities around her.
There were so many Shoko had known since she was young, since she joined the acting industry. The legendary Akemi Kubo, the famous female lead from the movie Hotshot and multiple classics. The stunning Kyung Joong, the male lead from the serial drama that blew up millions, shadow of her. The talented, show stopping actress, Yomi Hisu, the female who had became a global fashion icon after her breathtaking debut at the age of 15 as the female lead, it's all you.
Of course, Yomi Hisu was known to have struggled a lot in her career, dealing with tons of malicious complaints at the girl’s talent, being publicised and humiliated by tabloids with numerous exaggerated rumours Shou meng was stunned parts of the public could believe. But she succeeded, Yomi Hisu, and didn’t stop acting until it turned her into a global wide icon known for her unique personality in acting.
And one of Shoko's greatest and influential role models alive, keeping her struggling flame burning steadily to this day.
Stealing a glance at Yomi, she turned quickly before their eyes could meet and the older actress would notice. She was a little too unprepared to be saying anything to her idol anytime soon. Her eyes panned across her surroundings in a slow motion, savouring the brilliant atmosphere of this moment as she watched as the crowd gradually file in and settle down, all gathered for the great time of the year where the acting awards would be given, making up a big milestone in their lives.
Shoko knew most of them, but wasn’t exactly close to any of them - they had just been acquaintances, colleagues, and whatnot. Well, it was probably better for her this way. She couldn’t get too close to anyone, especially with her status as the golden child actress now.
“Welcome ladies and gentleman, all specially invited guests, to the golden show awards!” The emcee, a guy with crazily waxed blond hair, spoke up. Shoko grimaced at the amount of wax on his hair, wondering how long it was going to take to get all of that out. A traumatic experience with wax left a bad taste in her mouth from that day onwards, and she had refused to get it on her hair ever since then. It was for a special flying shot, and her hair kept flying everywhere, disrupting her view as well as the camera shots on her face, thus the wax. She shuddered at the thought, shaking her head and making a small little sound of disgust before turning to what the emcee was saying again.
He continued talking, and Shoko eventually tuned out - it didn’t show on her face, though. She couldn’t let it be, not when the camera would pan on her anytime. It would land her into a bad light if she wasn’t paying rapt attention and respect to what the emcee was saying. She adjusted her ruffled sleeves instead, pushing them up so they didn’t slide down her shoulders and flash anyone unexpectedly. She couldn’t have a wardrobe malfunction now.
Shoko watched the spotlights danced around the stage, the sea of bodies packed in the large atrium sporting flashy or different outfits from each member of the acting community. The atrium was perfectly silent, filled along with chirpy music and the perpetuating, booming energy of the emcee’s voice. She decided to take a small sip of water instead, rubbing at her lips daintily to not let water drip from her lips like a slob, before once again flashing back to her perfectly practised smile.
“Now, announcing the actress of the year awards…” Shoko perked up slightly, feeling each and every one of her cells ignite with energy once more as those words were hammered into her head. This was it. What she had come all this way for.
Clenching her hands in her lap, she watched with expectant eyes as the atrium buzzed with tense excitement. Every female actress had been waiting for this moment, to earn the grandest award any female could earn in the acting industry.
And Shoko would guess without a doubt that it had to be her.
She hadn’t worked her way up to the top and gave her best performances every day for nothing. She was a golden child actress now in the majority's eyes, surely they would pick her? Her name had made attractive appearances in the headlines countlessly, surely they should pick up the buzz around her.
Because why wouldn’t they? Shoko was pretty, talented, for all the right reasons with multiple talents, a jack of all trades. This was probably narcissistic, but Shoko was narcissistic anyway. If they didn’t pick her, they were probably fools.
“Goes to this stunning actress, whose every performance and flawless acting, wow us to no end. She leaves us on the edge of our seats every time she comes on screen, and never fails to make our jaws drop agape at her insurmountable talent!...”
Shoko was clenching her teeth in her mouth. She had dreamt of this moment all of her life from the day her mother had pushed her into acting after finding out her immense talent. It had always been her end goal, and this time, she had to get it. There was nothing otherwise.
Those days spent drilling lines into her head until she cried tears of exhaustion and maintaining such a strict diet given to her by her parents, skincare routine, and the countless lists, couldn’t make up for nothing. The agonising hours she spent practising and mastering facial expressions, line deliveries, body movements…it just had to be.
“....HIMARI SHOKO!”
Her smile widened into a smile of relief as she stood up gracefully from her seat. As she made her way to the brightly lit up stage calling out to her, millions of eyes watched her every move. She executed her strides to the stage perfectly, making sure not to stumble even though her head felt lighthearted with an insurmountable amount of joy, as thunderous applauses rang all around her, shaking the atrium with whoops and cheers.
She stepped up the stage, turning towards the audience with a bright smile almost immediately, turning on her charm silently in her head. As the emcee handed her the microphone to make congratulatory notes, she recited the line that had lingered in her head for years, the lines she’d spun since young, for the day she would finally grace upon this stage.
-
“First of all…I would really like to say thank you to everyone in my life that made this possible.”
My eyes wandered all over the crowd to fix upon the familiar faces staring back at me with twinkles of admiration shining in their eyes.
“My parents, for all their unfailing love and support, really challenged me to move on even in the darkest times when I feel like giving up. My team and different branches that I worked with throughout my acting career, being very cooperative and all fantastically easy to work with. My friends and my supervisors, for always being there for me and correcting my errors. Thank you all for making this best female actress of all time award possible for me, and I deeply appreciate all of your efforts."
I paused, taking a shuddering breath as I willed my beating heart to keep still, even as I was compelled to leap right off the stage and screech at the top of my lungs. "I’m really happy and grateful today to be able to stand up here and receive this award. Last but not least, I would like to shout out to my fans, whose love and support has given me an astronomical degree of encouragement. Thank you!” I finished, stepping away from the microphone before the timer rang for my speech to stop, shoulders heaving up and down as I drew in sharp breaths, regulating my uneven breathing.
Applause clapped around my ears as I walked down the stage. The feeling of the cold priceless metal felt unreal in my hands, as if all of this were a lie - but why would it be? I deserved this, and I got it today.
Returning to my seat, careful to not scrape the metal anywhere while trying not to trip over my own heels, still giddy with delight, though I managed to wipe the goofy silly grin on my face and replace it with an award winning smile filled with the emotion that the people watching the awards ceremony onscreen would have wanted to see.
Faint choruses of congratulations brushed past my ears from all sides as I passed, and I voiced out grateful words of thanks and polite nods as I returned to my seat. Settling down comfortably in my seat, I continued to cradle the award in my hands, afraid to let go, as if it would dissipate into the air if I did. I would place it in a place where everyone could see, where I could grin with pride and scream excitedly at it everyday. I wouldn’t let this opportunity to prove myself slip away to the world.
The rest of the award ceremony passed in a blur, though it wasn’t significant for me to remember when all I cared about was the award in my hands. As I made my way back into our family’s car, escorted by multiple bodyguards and yet more smiling and waving, I was finally safe in the confines of the tinted windows of our car.
“I’m so proud of you, honey sweetest.” My mother’s voice cooed from the front of the car. “Your father and I both bet that you could get that, after all that effort you’d put in.”
I let out a small appreciative hum in response, drumming my fingers against the sides of the car as I watched the world zip past in tinted windows.
“Yeah. What do you want to do, for a celebration?” My dad’s voice trailed towards me, though his head remained turned, hands fixated on the steering wheel. I raised my head with expectancy brimming within me at the prospect of those words, heart lifting. My mind raced for a sweet reward that I’d wanted none less, and I had exactly that one thing that made my bright smile dim slightly. Right. That.
This was my chance. The corners of my lips lifted again, and I projected my dad my best, pleading pitiful gazes, lips pouted as I leaned forward, hands clasped tightly in between my thighs. “Yes." I swallowed the lump in my throat, summoning my desperation to be evident in my voice. "I have one, and don’t say no…!” I replied, or more likely begged, clenching at the sides of my dress as I shot out the request with determination.
“Don’t enrol me for public school!”
Both the smiles from my parent’s faces dipped slightly, though my mother struggled to hold onto hers. At the sight of their downturned brows, I felt my heart begin to sink, latched onto an anchor that drifted all the way downwards, to the depths of a bottomless, lonely, ocean floor.
I knew it, this would turn them off.
“But we already talked about this, Sho - ”
She was going to start lecturing me again, I know it.
Furrowing my eyebrows, I bit my lips with frustration at the denial of my simple request, fighting every remaining objection threatening to spill from my lips, knowing it wouldn't work no matter what I pointed out. That had only lasted a second before those words were forced out of my lips, expelled with devastation, like an erupting volcano.
“There’s no reason to send me to public school when you can easily homeschool me!” I exclaimed, interjecting her before she started her super long rant, curling my lips into a scowl. “It’s not like we’re broke or anything, to the point I have to go to public school!”
My mother’s eyebrows furrowed from the car seat mirror, fingers grappling at one another in a weak attempt to keep her cool. “Shoko. You shouldn’t talk about our money like it’s an object to be thrown around - ” My father shifted, antsy in his seat, as if he had second guessed what would happen next, fingers tightening on the steering wheel as his knuckles turned a shade of pale white.
“Don’t make me! You know how much I’ll have to suffer at that hell of a place, it’s going to be so hard to adjust. That’s nowhere for someone like ME to go!” I snapped back, not bothering to hide the spite in my voice this time. Snapping my hands away from the car seat window, I pursed my lips in a disapproving tight line. “I’d rather stay home than school with a bunch of jerks who would judge me like what happened - ”
My mother’s loud sigh interrupted my whiny rant, slamming her hands lightly onto the space between her and my dad, her tone hitting a deadbeat. “Shoko.”
All words withered within me at once hearing her firm tone and her eyes that hardened on the command. My lips wobbled before curling into a sulk, and I flopped back unhappily into my chair with an angry huff. Not again. I had lost, yet again, to that stupid cruddy school plan. The furnace of my boiling anger raged within me, making me a cauldron that cultivated all the spiteful thoughts that accumulated in my head, words I wished to have spewed but would never save me from my devastating fate.
“We’ve told you this already. This isn’t the public school that you went to in the past - it’s an elite private school. Your father and I have checked the reviews and personally met up with the headmistress a couple of times to discuss the school environment. It’s the best of the best, from what we’ve heard, and it’s nothing like what you used to go to.” My mother yakked on, the words slipping in and out of my ears, my senses barely holding onto anything except for the escalating wrath exploding inside of me.
I cocked an eyebrow at her words. They went to meet the headmistress behind my back? How crude. I huffed, snapping my head back to face the window, desiring to hack off the conversation right here. But as always, she continued, being as obstinate as she was. “We’re sure you’ll love the environment - ”
Never. I flinched at the thought with prickling disgust, shoulders tensing at the thought of ever settling in there. Not ever. Not again.
“- if you learn to accept it. You have to go to school, and socialise. You can’t always be by yourself. I know that your past experiences have been unpleasant, and that’s the reason why -”
Hah, unpleasant? That was an understatement. A HUGE understatement. It was sheer, brutal, the utter inhumane tormentality, hell. Whatever I had gone through in that hellhole - I would never want to think about it again. I snorted at her dismissive words, digging my nails into the skin of my arms, making a face when I remembered it would leave a scar and stopped, leaving only the angry frantic tapping of my heels on the floor of the car to cope.
“- you’re dreading this. We know. And we promise you, if you actually try to accept it or love it - you’ll enjoy it a lot more. Your school life wouldn’t be so bad.”
Lies. All lies. I gritted my teeth, rolling my eyes at the obvious lie she had told me through her teeth. They would never understand what it meant for me back there.
“So please, just go to school, and that’s final. No take backs.” She finished, her tone hard and firm, words hitting me square in the chest where she knew it hurt. Where she knew I could never say no, where she knew I didn't have a choice, either way.
That was nearly the millionth time I had heard the exact same passage. I couldn’t help wanting to scream in frustration each time it reached my ears. I couldn’t accept it. I squeezed my eyes shut with defiance as my mother prodded me, her voice slowly morphing into the sound of nails scratching against a chalkboard, a running, incessant broken recorder.
“We don’t mean to do you any harm - we just want you to grow, with other people by your side as well.”
No. No matter how many times I wished her and dad to drop the topic, they wouldn’t. It was annoying, an incessant bug that kept buzzing by my ear and I couldn’t slap it away. No matter how hard I clapped, or how close I came to slapping the pest, it always weaved through my fingers, vanishing into thin air or I missed barely by a wing. Like right now, where I was fighting a losing game.
“Fine!” I belted out, drawing out the words begrudgingly as I slammed my hands onto the armrest. “Happy? Can y’all stop talking about it now?” My fiery gaze made contact with hers, as my stomach twisted at the idea of the horror I was submitting myself to - it makes me sick to think about.
But there was nothing I could do against the unstoppable force of my mother.
The car drove to a sharp halt, causing me to nearly fly out of my seat. I didn’t even flinch, unlike the times where I’d scream and laugh at dad for being so careless. I kept a straight, disgruntled face, because I wanted them to know how pissed they’d made me to be. Mother sighed, with a little shake of her head but a hint of a smile on her lips as the both of them exited the car to make our way to the mansion. “Thank you for understanding anything, Shoko.”
The nerve. It wasn't like I was fully giving in or anything. I seethed, refusing to look them in the eye, wanting to pull something apart with the way things were going. I was glad I had left the award with one of my handmaidens, if not I might've sent it shattering to pieces on the ground.
“I’ll non stop complain about this arrangement for weeks until you’re going to make me drop out, don’t think this is the end!” I yelled over my shoulder as I marched furiously to the door of our mansions, past the security gates and yanking those double doors open, letting them return to their positions on the door frames alone, stomping to my room immediately and skipping the multiple flights of stairs.
Slamming the door shut behind me, I flopped into my canopy bed’s soft pink duvets and buried my head within the sheets, ripping out all of my butler’s hard work - which was also my manager. But who cares about that now. I groaned loudly and internally into the sheets the more I thought about what was going to happen tomorrow, kicking up my legs and slamming it against the duvets in a fit of fury violently.
They couldn’t, they wouldn’t, and they shouldn’t.
I vowed not to go back to such a place full of such scum, after what I’ve faced. I couldn’t face the humiliation anymore, couldn’t handle being betrayed as brutally as I had the last time, couldn’t handle being laughed upon once the horror befell me that I was just being used for everything. I had been too innocent, too trusting, too darn naive and stupid to form human connections with people unlike me.
I should have known better, never to befriend those pitiful peasant girls, or done favours for those arrogant douchebags - or I should have known, to never agree to go to school in the first place.
The more I thought about those horrifying flashbacks - the more I dove my head under and into the duvets, muttering out angry muffled curses into the sheets until it felt like I was suffocating. My hands shook as they clutched so tightly onto the sheets the wrinkles would probably stay imprinted there for days no matter how my butler tried to iron these sheets.
I broke free from the cover of the duvets, gasping for air as I flopped onto my back, tired of thinking and screaming curses into my bed sheets after a few long, heated, moments.
I was sweating again, the cold sweat that embedded my skin as I thought of them. I could never stop sweating no matter how many times I wished I could stop. I thought I was over it, over those pitiful peasants, but turns out it had scarred me deep enough to make me deny going to school ever again, even if it wasn’t the same.
But they would be, more or less - everyone would be. No one was truly kind or good in this world, no one wouldn’t want to take advantage of me. I couldn’t get attached, couldn’t get near to forming true connections with others. They would only blackmail that information against me, and it took years to finally clear that blacklist those bastards had stained onto my name even after I’d pulled out of that school a long time ago.
I shuddered, recalling, and shook my head violently, my curls slapping the sides of my face violently as I shook with such intensity and vigour.
No, no more. Can’t think about them. I am me now, golden child star, the famous legendary youngest actress to get the best actress of all time award. Nothing could get me down, not some puny school which thinks it could get in my way tomorrow.
Clenching my teeth, I stood up with newfound determination shining through me with the thought in my head, pushing back all the other negatives, huffing. Nothing can stop me. I, Himari Shoko, am not someone to be pushed around by the stupid confines of society.
Striding towards my laptop, I switched it on, sliding into my comfy plushed chair as I typed furiously on the keyboard.
I couldn’t let anyone recognise me tomorrow, or take advantage of me like last time. The golden blooming star persona had to be erased for a while at school, giving way to a new role - a new role just as flashy, but perhaps, for the wrong reasons. So everyone wouldn’t be interested in me, but not to the point I was bullied.
“How to make people dislike you…” I whispered the search results out as I eliminated those that instantly gave off the feel that they were just going to be useless repetitive cliche advice. Scrolling past after what felt like a decade's worth of search results, I finally clicked into one - a topic in Reddit.
“So embarrassed: back in my days of being a cringy chuunibyou, can’t believe I used to have that phase, no wonder no one liked me…?” I read aloud with a questionable tone, tapping my fingers on the table as I cupped my face to read through the topic popping up on my screen, scanning the words written in boring black font.
“Man, same, we all used to have that phase, it’s really embarrassing to think about honestly…if only I could tell myself that was a bad idea then lol…” My eyes continued to scan past the replies filling the comment section, surprised at the amount of distaste expressed towards this chuunibyou term.
While I might have caught up easily to trends so that I could be in the latest bag, I didn’t hear of something like this before. Humming with amusement under my breath, I clicked to another topic, one where it unpacked this strange term. Was I getting too outdated to understand? I had to probably start to brush up on getting on trend.
“Japanese colloquial term typically used to describe early teens who have grandiose delusions, who desperately want to stand out, and who have convinced themselves that they have hidden knowledge or secret powers…” I read aloud, bemusement lingering in my voice as my fingers tapped indecisively on the crook of the mouse.
Once I dissolved the definition into my brain, the words settling into their rightful places as I formulated a meaning to this colloquial term - it all clicked.
And it was no wonder. It was truly embarrassing to think about, if I ever had a phase like that. I’d probably want to burn it in the back of my mind - didn’t look good for me now.
But now, even as it didn’t look good, it was my prime option.
I hesitated, my fingers hovering over the mouse, before dropping my head onto my knees as I curled up into a resigned ball. “I hope I’m not going to regret this…” I murmured under my breath sullenly, as I clicked into another topic where they discussed how to act like a chuunibyou and some anime shows revolving around such characters. I’d never tried watching anime before, but for research, I suppose I could try. Acting was my forte, and pursuing methods on how to act like an entirely different person to figure and portray the characters to perfection energised me.
Gradually, my head began to rise as I enthusiastically sifted through multiple help blogs, keying in the potential lists of anime characters and shows to study, listing down the different categories of what I needed to highlight when acting as such. This was just another project, nothing big, a simple defense mechanism to protect myself from the society that thrived off backstabbers.
Maybe, just maybe, this was going to work…
…and it had better do, or all of this was going to be for nothing.