Chapter Text
Rain drops obscured her view of the outside world.
But Kelley knew exactly where she was. 10,000 feet below her was the city of Seattle.
10,000 feet below her was the woman who she so recklessly gave her heart to.
They would be landing soon. The match was on Saturday, giving them two days of preparation. A total of three days in Seattle. Three opportunities to see each other. Three chances.
All she wanted to do was say hello.
Quickly approaching the airport, Kelley half expected her to be there. She wanted more than anything for her to be there. For her to be waiting at the bottom of an escalator with a “Welcome to Seattle” sign.
Well, rewind.
She’d be the one standing in the corner with her hood up, attracting the least attention possible. Kelley would be the one with the dorky handcrafted sign, wildly waving it so the whole world could see. So the whole world would know that they belonged to each other. Kelley had always been proud of what they shared together.
But the moment Kelley stepped off the huge, claustrophobic metal can, she was brought back to reality.
Her tall, dorky keeper wasn’t there. Why did she even think she would be? She wasn’t supposed to be there anyways. She never was.
Kelley felt a rush of emotions surge throughout her body.
She felt like crying.
But she didn’t.
-
She woke up the next morning and decided to go for a walk. Putting her hood up and braving the light drizzle, Kelley walked block after block. Getting turned around here and there, she finally ended up at her destination.
A coffee shop.
Her favorite coffee shop.
The last time she visited the city, they would always end up at this particular shop after their morning runs together. It had always been part of her morning routine to run and get coffee, and Kelley quickly learned to do the same. When she returned to New Jersey, she wouldn’t go a day without a post morning run cup of coffee.
Kelley had stopped doing that, ever since they had stopped talking. But here she was. Standing in front of a local coffee shop in Seattle, wishing more than anything that another body was next to her. She missed her.
So she walked in and ordered an Americano.
A certain someone’sfavorite drink.
-
After her walk, she hopped into the team van that took them to Memorial Stadium, the home of the Seattle Reign. Her team.
Kelley was walking on her ground. Holy ground.
Their practice had gone well. They weren’t in the playoffs, but they were more than ready to work hard and gain a win. After practice, Kelley wandered the stadium grounds, quickly finding herself in the home locker room- their opponent’s locker room. Luckily no one was inside. She’d get in big trouble if she was caught.
But she really wouldn’t mind being caught. It would be worth it.
Kelley left the locker room, only to run into the “Goalkeeping Supply Room” down the hall. Her heart skipped a beat.
Maybe she was in there. She hoped she was in there.
Slowly opening the door, Kelley held her breath. But she quickly released it. No one was in there.
She should’ve been there though. She could always be found picking out her gloves the day before games. It was her routine. It was what she liked to do.
Maybe Kelley didn’t know her as well as she thought anymore.
Hearing footsteps walk down the adjacent hallway, Kelley froze in place. Maybe it was her. If she stayed, she might get the chance to see her.
But she panicked. And she left.
-
Later that afternoon, the team decided to explore the city. They walked through Pike Place Market, and Kelley secretly hoped she would run into her. It was a long shot, but hey, this was her city. Kelley was quiet, hardly partaking in her team’s pictures and antics. She was too busy concentrating on observing all the faces in the market. Every person she passed, she took inventory. But as every person passed, she slowly gave up.
The team invited her out to a bar after dinner, but Kelley declined. She finds herself walking the streets of Seattle once again.
She had given up too early that afternoon. They deserved another chance.
She somehow managed to discover a lookout point over the water. Towards the 520 bridge, the bridge that just so conveniently separated Kelley from the city of Kirkland- from her.
She was just on the other side of that bridge. So close, and yet so far away.
Kelley shivered. It was cold and she was alone. She never hated a city so much.
-
She found her way back to the hotel within the hour. She climbed into bed and stared at her phone, waiting for something.
A text. A call. Anything.
But nothing came.
She laid in bed, staring straight up at the ceiling. She was wide awake, probably not the best thing knowing she had a match the following day. But she couldn’t help but think about her. That’s all she ever did lately.
And part of Kelley hoped that maybe, just maybe, in the next city over, she was thinking about her too.
-
Warming up used to be easy. They were on different teams, but they’d always catch each other smiling at one another from across the field. Sometimes, they’d even joke around. But now, Kelley found herself pacing back and forth on the field, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Reign players.
Completely missing a pass from her teammate, Kelley suddenly looked up and immediately locked eyes with the goalkeeper who had just set foot on the field.
They held their gaze for no more than three seconds, but in those three precious moments, Kelley felt all the emotions of their relationship playing over and over again like a movie in her head. They had instantly connected during the Olympics and explored the means of their relationship for months after, but things had changed by the time the World Cup rolled around. There was a lot of unanswered business regarding how they ended things- well, how she ended things.
Kelley felt lost. She used to be a pro at reading the older woman’s thoughts, but now, it was a blank stare. And suddenly, Kelley realized how complex everything was.
How things were never going to be as simple as they were in London. How things were never going to be easy when they visited each other’s cities for NWSL games. No more joking. No more smiling. No more “Hey, let’s make the most out of our weekend together.”
Kelley felt tears arise, but she quickly pushed them down.
She hated what they had become.
-
At the sixth minute, her team scores on a free kick.
Proud of how strong they had started this match, Kelley ran to her teammate, jumping in celebration. She displays her biggest smile to hide her depression within. She does her best to be with her teammates, to be in the moment.
But she can’t help herself.
She finds herself looking over her shoulder towards the goal. The expression on her face was pure frustration and devastation. She was beating herself up about missing such a crucial save, and all Kelley wanted to do was run over and give her shoulder a squeeze, perhaps even a hug. She just wanted her to know that she was still the best goalkeeper in the world in her eyes. Kelley knew that the tall athletic woman, for some reason, wasn’t giving it her all, that she wasn’t playing her best.
But neither was Kelley.
How could you give your heart to the game when it belonged to someone else, especially when that someone else was no more than ten yards away?
-
The tension throughout the game only becomes more apparent by the minute. They’re playing more aggressively. The crowd is frustrated. It begins to rain.
No one was really sure why so much pressure was present on the field. Christie and Megan had a slight idea, knowing their teammates’ coarse and trying past, but they thought that the pair had figured out their business, that they could compartmentalize their thoughts and separate the game from their personal life.
But they were wrong.
Kelley’s heart was racing. She had gotten way too close during the first half, almost making a shot on goal. She swore she would never do that again. The second half, she tried to remain in high spirits since her team was actually winning and had the potential to beat Seattle Reign- at their home stadium for crying out loud.
They had the potential to break their home wins record.
But Kelley prayed that would not happen. It would destroy the goalkeeper, and to be honest, there was already too much destruction in her life.
So Kelley gained a foul on herself.
Never in her life did she expect her personal issues to interfere with her career. This wasn’t like her. But yet again, never in her life did she expect to fall head over heels for the goalkeeper on the current opposing team.
Kelley hated that she didn’t know herself anymore, nor what she wanted.
She felt like crying once again. And she almost did. Because who would notice her crying in the rain anyways?
But she still didn’t.
-
They draw.
Kelley silently thanked the heavens. This was probably the best outcome for them. A draw. Truthfully, Kelley wouldn’t have known what to do if the Reign lost- if they lost their record. Kelley couldn’t bear to see the older woman broken- even if she was the root of all her problems.
Kelley realized that it was now or never. She searched through a sea of orange and blue, and amidst all the rain, her eyes locked down on what she was looking for: the deep purple jersey. She promised herself not to lose sight, and followed her towards the referees. Kelley cringed as she noticed that the goalkeeper was limping and grimacing in pain. She didn’t have a good game. Everyone knew that.
Kelley would’ve given anything to do more than just shake hands with her. She wanted to make sure that she was actually alright. That it was okay to rest sometimes, and that she needed to save herself for the Olympics. A tournament that they both knew too well.
Kelley was no more than a foot away from her now, and felt herself reach out. She didn’t think that the woman in purple would even notice.
But she did. She must’ve seen her out of her peripheral vision- she must’ve been waiting for her to come.
Their two hands met each other halfway. And then Kelley swore she felt a squeeze. It was small, but it was there.
Time had to move forward, and Kelley felt herself walking behind the goalkeeper, barely brushing her as she went by. She realized that gripping hands wasn’t going to cut it, and that she craved more. Kelley hid herself in the tunnel, patiently awaiting the NWSL shield ceremony to wrap up.
As she watched from afar, Kelley couldn’t help but smile. Despite almost losing their record, the keeper was bouncing up and down with her team.
Kelley was proud of her. She’d always be.
Before she knew it, the purple jersey began to make its way towards the tunnel. There was no turning back now. Her walking had come to her stop, and her blue eyes pierced Kelley’s heart and soul. Kelley’s stomach flipped and she caught her breath.
“I had a feeling you’d be waiting.”
Kelley was speechless, but her goofy smile spoke a thousand words.
“I need to head in for a post-match meeting and grab my things from the locker room before heading back out to the field. Could you wait that long?”
“Always.”
Kelley had been waiting for this encounter for what seemed like the longest time. It wouldn’t hurt to wait any longer.
Maybe tonight they would rekindle. Maybe they could fix things. Maybe there was a chance.
For the first time since stepping into Seattle, Kelley felt like she belonged.
She was happy.
She was hopeful.
-
It was still raining. And Kelley was still alone.
Two hours had passed and there was no sign of the tall goalkeeper. Out in the middle of the field, Kelley was soaked and she cursed herself for falling into a trap. She was stupid to think that she would actually come back for her.
She had left her three years ago.
She wasn’t ever coming back.
Kelley lost all faith in herself, in her, and almost in humanity itself. She was truly embarrassed. This was a rookie mistake, and there was not an ounce of dignity left in her.
She wanted to cry.
And so she did.
-
She was more than ready to head back home. She couldn’t take being in Seattle anymore. The rainy days were too much. She was drowning.
Kelley eagerly waited for takeoff, shuffling her music on her phone…until it cut out. She looked down at her phone and registered the name that appeared on her home screen.
“Hope Solo.”
She slowly took out her ear buds and just stared at the device in her hands. Her thumb hovered over the answer button, but she stopped herself.
She didn’t answer.
Eventually the phone stopped ringing and she felt herself regretting not picking up the call. She suddenly got a crazy idea and unbuckled her seatbelt, ready to get off the plane. To make matters even more convenient, the Captain announced a small delay in departure due to addressing an issue with who appeared to be a late passenger outside the gate.
Kelley knew this was her chance to get up and leave.
Yet, something stops her. This was all too familiar. Feelings of déjà vu arose- she hoped that the woman who just called would be on the other side of the aircraft door…just like when she first arrived just three days ago. She hoped that she would be there.
But Kelley was smarter. She knew that her goalkeeper wouldn’t be waiting for her on the other side. She was one step ahead of the game this time around.
So she kept her seatbelt on, turned the music up a little louder, and hoped that it could drown her thoughts- the thoughts that were responsible for drowning herself.
But she couldn't get rid of such thoughts. Sitting on that plane was too familiar to her. She thought about the older woman and how so much has changed, and how there was some truth in the conversation that had ended everything. Hope Solo was right. Saying hello would only end in a goodbye.
Maybe things were better off this way.
Maybe it was a blessing that she didn’t say hello.
Just because she couldn’t have risked another goodbye.