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The final day was drawing closer by the day, and the tension in Kirkby Ground was so thick that Klopp could cut it with a knife. He could easily sense his boys' nervousness about their two make-or-break games, which also brought farewells to many of their long-serving players. It was to be an emotional day, yet there was no room for error as three points needed to be scored.
Klopp didn't like to see his boys this nervous. He knew they performed to their full potential when they were serious, yet relaxed. So on Wednesday after dinner, Klopp ushered the players and staff into the auditorium for a surprise.
"So you gathered us in the auditorium...to watch a video?" said Milner, dragging pillows, blankets and small ottomans into place. Some of the other players helped him, while others arranged themselves in their usual seating arrangements. "Doesn't sound like a meeting to me."
"This is a special meeting," Klopp said as if that explained everything. He finally connected his laptop to the big screen at the front. "Get the popcorn, will you Milly?"
Milner nodded, hip-checking the south wall. "Thiago!"
Thiago roller-skated into the room, followed by Nemmer and Bajcetic. Each of them carried two trays filled with popcorn, as well as other snacks. Their roller-skates allowed them to travel faster than walking, and when the trays were empty, they skated around the room before jumping into the air, meeting at the same place. In their brief flight in the air, all three unbuckled their skates.
"They're going to break their necks out there!" Henderson exclaimed.
Tsimikas, despite how close he was to Bajcetic and Thiago, didn't seem concerned at all. "Watch."
While landing, Nemmer and Bajcetic's skates fell off their feet. They landed next to each other, standing side to side and holding their arms in a Y-formation. Thiago did a few more tricks in the air before his skates fell off as well. He ended up on top of Bajcetic and Nemmer in an excellent mountain pose. The rest of the team laughed as they applauded the trio's acrobatics.
"How did you learn to do that?" Nunez whispered to Bajcetic.
Bajcetic shrugged, taking up his tub of popcorn and turning his attention to the movie. "I ice-skate in my free time. And it turns out that Mona roller-skated in between completing her degree as a nutritionist."
Klopp turned on the speakers and began to play a video. Everyone gathered around the big screen, eagerly waiting to see what the video was about.
B/R Football: The Champions
"Oh, great." Milner rolled his eyes at the title, setting his popcorn aside. "It's that stupid media commentary brand again, isn't it? You brought us here to watch pundits roast us?"
Klopp smirked, taking a seat in the center. "Watch and see, Milly. By the way, you all have remotes that you can use to pause and rewind the show if you need." Klopp leaned back in his chair and clapped his hands together. "Now, let's enjoy the show!"
What happens when 800 of the world's best footballers and their managers have a club-wide singing competition under one roof?
"Chaos," Milner deadpanned, not wasting a second.
Players stop being polite and start getting "Re-al".
Some of the players and staff snickered at the ridiculous dad joke, while others groaned in disgust.
"Are you kidding me?!" Klopp whipped out an empty journal, scribbling something down. "How did I not think of that one before? He laughed heartily and slapped his thigh. "That was a good one!"
The others exchanged glances and rolled their eyes, but couldn’t help but chuckle at his enthusiasm.
The scene cuts to a stage in the middle of a pitch, and a cloud of magic sparkles erupted from the center. The mist faded away to reveal Sergio Ramos.
Ramos: Welcome to...UEFAVISION!
Ramos: I am your host, Sergio Ramos. Let's get started with our first act.
"WE MEET AGAIN, SHOULDER TWISTER!" Milner had to be held back by Alexander-Arnold and Robertson as the Spaniard's cartoon image appeared on the screen. "You will pay the price!"
"Can you imagine if Dejan was here?" Elliott whispered to Salah.
Alexander-Arnold and Robertson laughed and shook their heads. "We don't need to imagine," Robertson said. "Dejan would be the first to join the fight."
Salah grinned, leaning back into the small pillow fort that he, Elliott and their friends had constructed. He'd long since stopped fearing Ramos, not quite forgiving him for nearly ending his World Cup dreams but not exactly holding a grudge, either. "He'd break the screen that he's on."
"We're not asking the big question here, though," said Alexander-Arnold. "Who the heck allowed Sergio Ramos to host a musical talent show?"
"Relax, mate, it's just a cartoon," said Robertson. In the two minutes since the movie had started, the Scotsman had already eaten nine shortbread cookies. "But I gotta say, they have his features down pat."
"When am I gonna be here?" Elliott wondered aloud.
"Sorry, Harvey. But I think this was created before you joined us," Lijnders pointed out. "But if it makes you feel better, this was made before Kostas joined us, too.”
Milner punched the air in jubilation, while Tsimikas glared at Milner from across the room.
Ramos: (to Confession Camera) Since Regio won the competition last year, I've been...forced to host it.
Producer: So, why you and not one of your teammates?
Ramos: You want me to go? Pay me, I'll leave.
"How much do I pay you to leave?" Milner, Klopp and Elliott muttered at exactly the same time.
"What is he wearing?" Firmino exclaimed, pointing to Ramos's... intriguing suit. "That looks like one of Messi's Ballon D'Or ceremony outfits. It's a total disaster!"
"It could get worse," Alisson reminded Firmino, pulling his friend closer. Alisson whispered in Firmino's ear, "He's wearing the shoes too." Firmino's face dropped as he shook his head in disbelief.
(Scene cuts to the stage. Pique is playing guitar, while Messi is singing with his football puppet.)
"Speaking of which..." Fabinho pointed to the screen. "What is he wearing now? A modified tutu, or goose feathers? Just because PSG had a goose egg of a season doesn't mean he needs to wear that."
"He was still at Barcelona at the time," Henderson whispered.
Fabinho shook her head in disbelief. "That's just pathetic. No wonder we dumped them out of the Champion's League that year."
Milner nodded, settling back into his seat. "Oh, yeah."
"What's with the puppet, though?" Jota asked. "Can't the World Cup winner speak for himself?"
Gakpo rolled his eyes. "He certainly spoke for himself during the World Cup quarterfinals."
"Bobby predicted the future, man!" Tsimikas announced, earning a few glares from the others. “He said Messi, and Messi came!”
Firmino grinned, his teeth reflecting the light from the screen. "Knowledge."
Messi: We are Messi.
Messi (Football Puppet!): We are Messi.
Messi: It is our fate.
Messi (Football Puppet!): It is our fate.
Messi: When we're not blowing three-goal leads--
Both: We are great!
Alexander-Arnold grinned devilishly at the reference to their own thumping of Barcelona four years ago. "Corner taken quickly, man."
"Not so sure about that 'great' bit," Konate argued. "If Raphael's butt hadn't kept you onside, we would've beaten you in the final."
Even Alisson had something to say about that. "Rich from the guy who's team got whooped 8-2 while you were captain."
Konate scoffed. "You can talk, Ali, but at least we made it to the final. You guys were knocked out in the quarter-finals."
Alisson nodded in agreement. "I guess you can say that."
Messi: Oh, we are Messi.
Messi (Football Puppet!): We are Messi.
Messi: It's time to show.
Messi (Football Puppet!): It's time to show.
M: That we are so much better than--
Both: Cristiano!
M (Football Puppet): SUCKS!
"Agreed!" Milner and Elliott chorused in perfect sync.
"He's not that terrible," Jota tried to argue. But the glares from his teammates told him all he needed to know about their opinion on the matter. "Fine, I admit that he sucks."
"Are you kidding me?" Gakpo exclaimed. "We should give him a trophy for it. 'Biggest Loser in Saudi Arabia'! "
"Whoa, don't you paraphrase it wrong! He said South Africa, not Saudi Arabia!"
Pique: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing my wife, Shakira!
A giant football descends onto the stage and Barcelona players appear out of nowhere. Shakira steps out of the ball and starts yodeling.
Messi's football puppet kisses her. Pique looks like a raging bull.
Shakira: Oh, futbol .
"That sure aged well," Bajcetic remarked. "Now Pique won't have to be jealous anymore."
Tsimikas stared at Bajcetic, mouth agape. "Wait, Pique and Shakira split?"
Thiago facepalmed in annoyance. "Do you ever read the news?!"
Bajcetic was more helpful. "Yeah, almost a year ago. Didn't you hear?"
Tsimikas shook his head and sighed. "Man, I'm always the last to know these things."
Scene cuts to Ajax. Three random players that everybody's forgotten by now are on stage, doing some weird rap-style routine.
"We are definitely going to do that!" Elliott shouted, pouncing upon Tsimikas. "Rap squad, 2.0!”
"I get enough headaches without your communal noise," said Milner without turning away from the screen.
AP 1: Game 1 we made Spurs look like a joke!
AP 2: But there's two games to a tie!
AP 3: And the second game, you'd best believe we—
All: CHOKED!
AP 1: But now it's transfer time!
All: WE GOING DUTCH!
Jota paused the video, turning to the others. "Hey, when do you know a team is terrible?"
"When they get whipped 8-2 by Bayern?" Thiago suggested, filing his nails. "I'd know, I was part of that."
But Diaz already knew the answer. "When they make Spurs look like a competent institution."
The scene cuts to Ramos and Marcelo. Marcelo tries different hats on Ramos, who is sitting on a bar stool.
S: So, how was Ajax? I, uh, missed the second half.
"Ooh, burn!" Elliott exclaimed.
Scene cuts to another stage. Pepe is on stage wearing a red cape, surrounded by a dark background. Opera music plays.
Pepe: Iiiiiin Portooooooooo!!!!!!
A shadow flies out from behind him as he finishes.
"Leave it to Pepe to have the devil himself fly out from behind him," Keller remarked, refilling his bowl of potato chips.
"But is that a devil or a dragon?" Carvalho wondered aloud.
Nunez rolled his eyes, munching on a mini chocolate Swiss roll cake. "It's a dragon," he said with a mouthful of cake. "See the wings? Devils don't have wings."
Carvalho nodded, scooting closer to the Uruguayan. "Good to know."
"That can't be true!" Robertson said. "If devils don't have wings, how do they fly down to curse us?"
Klopp nodded, writing down the information in his journal. "Remind me to Google that later."
S: Wow, Pepe. Who knew?
The scene cuts to Pulisic standing backstage with Borussia Dortmund. Marco Reus and Mario Gotze are applying black and yellow face paint.
"Christian!" Klopp exclaimed. "He's grown so much since we first recruited him. But why draw him with those beady little eyes?"
"Because we don't need to see the real color." Milner regretted saying that, though, when a pillow flew in from where the staff were gathered. "Okay, I'm sorry!"
Pulisic: So, I thought since I'm leaving and everything, maybe I wouldn't have to go on stage with Dortmund. Let's just say their performances can get pretty out there.
Even Klopp had to agree with that one. "Yes, they can."
Krawietz rolled his eyes, continuing to chew on the cap of his pen. "May I kindly remind you who let the performances get 'pretty out there'?"
Klopp snatched Krawietz's pen away from him, tossing it onto a faraway table. "You were part of it too, Pete! Plus, I know Marco and Mario. It can't be that chaotic."
Jones quickly jumped up and shouted, "What?! No way! I don't know any Marios or Marcos! Unless we're talking about the Super Mario Brothers!"
Alexander-Arnold swatted at his compatriot's arm. "How old are you, ten?"
Cut to the stage, which is filled with giant speakers at the back. Reus is rocking out on an electric guitar, Pulisic is hesitantly strumming an electric guitar, and Gotze is standing in the middle with a microphone.
"Okay, I'll take that back. It's the most chaotic performance of all time."
Gotze: You like our Yellow Wall? Then face our Wall of Noise.
Gotze: (screaming) WALL OF NOISE!!!
Pulisic is blasted off screen due to the immense amount of noise, while Reus jams to the music like nothing happened.
The whole room couldn't help but laugh at Pulisic's comedic misfortune.
"Well, at least he got to leave early!" Elliott joked.
Scene cuts to backstage, where Klopp is watching on with some of the Liverpool players.
"We exist in this world!!!" Firmino cheered, body-flopping onto a mildly surprised Fabinho. "But where am I? I only see Hendo and Sadio and Virgil."
"You are probably backstage, preparing for our act." Klopp replied with a smile.
Klopp: Ah...I miss those guys.
"Leave it to you to somehow get on the Dortmund backstage, drag us with you, and then get emotional over your ex-players' heavy metal performance," said Lijnders, tossing a handful of popcorn at Klopp.
Klopp shrugged, picking the popcorn out of his hair. "What? I do miss them. They're my boys in black and yellow."
On another stage, Schalke 04 is doing an electric music performance. Three players are dressed in head-to-toe blue bodysuits against a pixelated background.
Player 1: Schalke, null vier.
Weston McKennie: Schalke, no fear.
All: Wir sind die Knappen.
"That's...actually a very competent performance," Klopp conceded, watching the cartoon images of Dortmund’s archrivals. "And who wrote these songs?"
"Dunno," said Robertson, slurping a can of Irn Bru. "But they're fire!"
The camera cuts to Bayern Munchen. Thomas Muller plays acoustic guitar, Jerome Boateng plays drums, and James Rodriguez plays electric guitar. Meanwhile, Manuel Neuer sings.
"Whoever got Manuel Neuer to sing deserves an Oscar award," Milner commented. "Could you pass me the chips, Harvey?"
Elliott grinned, showing off the empty bowl of chips. "Sorry old man, there are none left."
Neuer: Taaaake meeee....take me back to the finals of the Champion's League!
"And he wins it the year after. By the way, whoever voiced Manu can actually sing quite well," Thiago observed. "Better than real-life Manu sings."
"You heard him sing?" everyone in the auditorium shouted. "But Sadio says that Manu never sings!"
The camera cuts to Ramos, who is now dressed in a suit of yellow and red cards.
"Very appropriate," Salah remarked, pointing to his left shoulder.
Ramos: Next up we have Atletico, the poor man's Madrid.
"You evil man!" Carvalho laughed. Nunez and Diaz joined in the fun, clinking their juice glasses together. Elliott, meanwhile, decided to sit on Milner's shoulders to watch the video, much to Milner's annoyance.
On stage, the overhead lights say "Cinco Anos Increibles". A giant Griezmann head lowers itself onto the stage, and the mouth opens. Griezmann walks out.
"Okay, tell me, who creates these props? For a moment I thought Griezmann's head was actually lowering down onto the stage," Fabinho remarked.
"When do we perform?" Firmino asked. "And when we perform, when do I come on?"
Griezmann: I present to you, my best friend, Drake!
"Would it kill you to sing by yourself?" Henderson shook his head, reaching for more nachos. "Cheapskates Atletico, always looking for the easy way out. Instead of actually playing football, they injure all your best players and wait to see what happens. But they'll never get to the top with that attitude. They need to put in the hard work if they want to succeed." He stuffed the nachos into his mouth and reached for a bottle of sparkling water. "Besides, it's more fun to sing with your teammates."
Milner nodded, clapping Henderson on the back. "Truer words have never been spoken. That is, except when Kostas and Adrian are in the foray."
"Hey!"
Drake limp-walks onto the stage, rapping.
Drake (singing): A girl up in my DMs, I think I'm going to block her
I can't talk honey, I'm out here watching soccer
They want me to go club, but I can't, god forbid
'Cuz Lord knows I'm a big supporter of (unfolds paper) Atletico Madrid?
" Jesucristo , learn your maldito lines first!" Nunez called out.
The scene cuts backstage with Drake while Griezmann dances to 'Hotline Bling' on stage.
Van Dijk snorted at the sight of Griezmann's lame attempt at a performance. "Am I the only one who notices how ridiculous he looks? I could dance better!"
"I wouldn't bet on it," said Firmino, ducking behind Alisson so Van Dijk wouldn't slap him.
Drake: Atletico's out?! Who's in?
Producer: Liverpool.
"We are in style, baby!" Alexander-Arnold cheered, high-fiving Robertson.
Cut to Drake appearing again for the Confession Cam, but this time in a Liverpool kit while still being labeled as "Antoine Griezmann's Friend".
Drake: So yeah, growing up in Canada I've always been a huge fan of Liverpool.
The scene switches to PSG doing a rock song while Neymar does mime.
"I guess that sums up their season: total clownery!" Elliott laughed.
Ramos: And that was PSG, demonstrating why teamwork is important.
Ramos: And now for an entirely different problem: too many English teams!
"Excuse you! I am offended," Milner huffed. "We are not only more refined than you, we can become champions of Europe without giving people concussions."
The scene cuts to Liverpool doing a heavy metal performance. The camera closes in on Salah, playing the drum kit.)
"Finally!" most of the players exclaimed.
Ramos: That's the same crap they played last year! What makes them think they're going to win this time?
Salah stiffened, glaring at cartoon Ramos. "He's got some nerve."
"Yep, Dejan would definitely kill him," Elliott whispered to Carvalho, who just laughed.
The camera takes a close-up shot of guitarist Virgil van Dijk.
"They make you look really good there," Gakpo pointed out. "Actually, they make you look a little better than you do in real life."
"Zwijg, Cody!"
Ramos: Oh, he's good, yeah.
The camera cuts to Alisson and Mane, playing electric guitars beside each other. Then Klopp appears on stage out of nowhere, rips off his shirt and jumps into the crowd.
Klopp: YEAH!
Klopp paused the video, glaring at his cartoon self, while everyone else just laughed.
"Remind me to never play heavy metal around you," Jota remarked, flipping his drumsticks in the air.
"No need to worry," Diaz said slyly, leaning back in his seat. "We know the boss won't last three seconds without tripping and falling into the crowd, anyway."
Klopp sighed, then smiled. "I guess I can be a bit too enthusiastic sometimes," he said with a chuckle. "But hey, at least I'm never short on entertainment value!"
Lijnders nodded in agreement. "That's what makes you yourself! Let's unpause the video."
The scene cuts to Manchester Matinees performing on a boat. Aguero sings, while Bernardo Silva plays guitar. Others stand in the back, swaying to the music.
"Next stop, the deplorables," Milner grumbled. "Including the idiot that tried to paraglide off Mo's shirt."
Klopp nodded in agreement. "That red card was totally worth it."
Aguero: So Manchester's blue
So glad we're not Man U
Funny how Alexis forgot how to score
They didn't make top four
"OUCH!" everyone exclaimed at Aguero's roast.
The scene cuts to Man United. Pogba and Lingard sing, while Alexis plays piano.
Lingard: I may be just one man, but together we're--
Pogba & Lingard: One Man. United.
All: Uniiiited, now that Jose's gone!
"Good luck, guys. You've still got a long way to go!" Milner yelled as he threw a sock at the screen.
The camera cuts to Kane against a white background. Kane sings while sitting on top of a swinging wrecking ball.
Kane: I came in like a cooockereeeeellll— [camera cuts away before a loud CRASH]
"Performance of the flipping millennium," Milner deadpanned while everyone else howled with laughter.
Ramos winces at the happenings off-screen, while the crowd mutters among itself.
Ramos: Ooh, ouch, ooh. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, once again, Shakira!
The scene cuts to Shakira swinging her hips and yodeling.
Shakira (yodeling): I can be your champion! Woah oh oh oh
(Shakira continues to yodel offscreen while the screen montage begins.)
Ajax captured the hearts of millions with their run to the semi-finals of the Champions' League. This was the last image taken of the squad before everybody was sold.
"They should've stayed at Ajax," said Milner.
[over a shot of Chelsea players boarding a bus to the Europa League final, with Eden Hazard sneaking out the bus' back door]
Chelsea escaped the Europa League House. And Eden Hazard escaped Chelsea.
[over a shot of Manchester United players loading up a moving truck driven by Ole Gunnar Solskjaer]
Manchester United were evicted from the Champion's League Mansion. They vowed to return in 2022 with all new cast members.
"How did that work out, eh Olaf?" Milner called out. This time, the others laughed along.
[over a shot of Jose Mourinho struggling to open the Champion's League Mansion's gate]
José Mourinho has found that getting back into the Mansion is much harder than he anticipated.
"Why is he struggling? Just go crash your bus into the gate," Milner remarked. "That's what you did at Spurs!"
"Not quite," Klopp chuckled. "He barely got the Europa League."
[over a shot of Neymar about to give Kylian Mbappe a tattoo, both wearing sunglasses and smoking]
Neymar continues to be a bad role model to the young and impressionable Mbappe.
Alisson frowned, shaking his head. "Ney isn't like that."
"He hides it well," Elliott snarked.
"No, seriously, he's actually really sweet at heart," said Firmino. "He just puts that front up so people don't know how he really feels."
Elliott rolled his eyes. "You two have known him longer than I have, so I'll take your word for it."
Fabinho nodded. "Just give him a chance, and you'll see. Although his rolling can get a little annoying every now and then."
[over the shot of Mbappe asking Cristiano Ronaldo for his autograph, but with Lucas Moura now in the background]
While no one was paying attention, Lucas Moura got really good at football. He should have been in the show more, but we followed his lead and waited until the last minute.
Soon after, the episode ended.
"So, boys, what do you think?" Klopp asked, pausing the video from the remote. "Do you like it?"
"It was hell awesome!" Elliott cheered. He'd long since got down from Milner's shoulders, instead sitting beside the Yorkshireman. "Let's see another episode!"
The crowd echoed their sentiments, some even chanting for the show to restart.
Milner grinned, looking around the auditorium. "You heard 'em," he told Klopp. "Let's see another episode!"
"Go ahead and pick one," said Klopp, pointing towards his laptop. "There's only one problem, though."
"What's that?" everyone asked.
Klopp pointed to the nearly-empty snack table. "We're almost out of snacks!"