Chapter Text
Käärijä, Jere, was close. He was so close to winning. When the televotes for Finland came in, he was sure this was going to be it. His dreams were coming true. He was going to make Finland so proud. Then Graham said the dreadful words to the Swedish act: “The public has given you…Two hundred and forty three points! We have a winner!”. Jere immediately broke down. He quickly bowed down and hid his face between his hands. He didn’t want the cameras to see his face.
His dreams just got crushed. He just let his whole homeland down. He let 5,5 million people down.
You promised them a win, Jere.
The Finn felt broken. He repeated every single Finnish curse word in his head a thousand times. Why had he been so confident about winning? He had gone around all the Finnish newspapers promising Finland a win. They trusted him. He had betrayed them. He could feel the tears pool in his eyes. He started rubbing his hands against his eyes, hoping to stop the tears from falling. He really hoped those fucking cameras had left him alone.
Somehow his thoughts had been so loud that he hadn’t heard what was happening around him. He finally focused on the noises around him. He could hear people singing his song, Cha Cha Cha, around him. The other contestants had rushed to him immediately after it was clear Käärijä wasn’t the winner. They all saw his reaction to losing and had come to comfort him. Before Loreen was even halfway to the stage, dozens of people had swarmed around Jere. He almost felt embarrassed knowing that so many people were watching him break down. Yet he felt relieved knowing that we wouldn’t have to mourn this loss alone.
The moment after the loss felt like a blur. So many people came to him to hug him, to tell him that they had been rooting for him, to tell him that he should’ve won. He was grateful to all of them but the pain of the loss was heavy. He couldn’t focus on what was happening around him. All he could hear was the voice in his head telling him that he had let down everyone who had foolishly believed in him.
“I think we should get out of here” Jere heard someone say. It might’ve been his brother, Mikke, but it was hard to hear his voice. Loreen was performing her encore and the sound of the music covered everything else. Jere was looking at the woman performing, when he felt someone gently grab his wrist. He turned to look at whoever it was. It was Bojan. When Jere met his brown eyes, he felt like he could finally focus on something else, other than his misery. Even for a brief moment.
“Let’s go.” Bojan said loud enough that Jere could hear him over the music. Jere nodded and Bojan started pulling him away from the green room. They headed towards the backstage. The Finnish delegation, few other Eurovision contestants and their delegations followed behind them as the last notes of Tattoo echoed in the arena.
As they walked, Jere did his best to try and focus on something else. It was easy to focus on the hand that was holding him. Bojan had become his best friend during this Eurovision journey. Jere had felt an instant connection to the Slovenian from the first moment they met. They got along so well. There was never a dull moment together for them. As they got to Liverpool and the rehearsals started, the Eurovision journey which was already stressful, somehow became even more nerve-racking. There were technical difficulties, demanding schedules and the realization that maybe Käärijä had been too bold with his claims of victory. In these trying two weeks, Bojan had become his lifeline. Even when Jere was feeling frustrated with all the stress and the demands, spending time with the Slovenian always made him feel better. With him he could focus on the moment. He could focus on him, on them.
What were they exactly? This moment might’ve not been the best to start thinking about it. Nevertheless it was easier to think about than the crushing weight of the loss. Because Bojan and Jere had connected immediately, the other members of Joker Out had jokingly started calling them boyfriends. Bojan and Jere took the joke and ran with it. They started joking about it too, it all starting with Jere posting an instagram story where he says Bojan and him are boyfriends and are sharing a hotel room. The jokes kept on coming. They went even as far as Jere fake proposing to Bojan with snus. He wasn’t sure when it exactly happened but at some point the jokes must have gone too far. Jere ended up catching real feelings for Bojan. He wanted to tell him but he wanted to be realistic. The man most likely didn’t feel the same. There was also the fear that their friendship wouldn’t last beyond Eurovision. If their friendship wasn’t going to last, would a romantic relationship? It certainly wasn’t going to last now. The younger man had agreed to come to Finland if Jere won. He didn’t win. Their relationship was going to end the moment they left Liverpool.
Great, now Jere was crying once again. At least they had arrived backstage where fewer eyes were looking at him. “Jere?” Bojan’s concerned voice asked. He must’ve noticed that the older man had started crying. Jere couldn’t say anything. He just turned to face Bojan and threw his hands over the Slovenian’s shoulders. He hugged him tight. Bojan held him in return. He lifted his other hand and laid it on the back of Jere’s head while he wrapped his other arm around his upper back. Jere could feel that people were watching them. Still, he couldn’t make himself care. He knew he wouldn’t get another chance to hold Bojan like this ever again.
When they finally parted, other members of Joker Out came to hug Jere too. Nace practically pushed Bojan out of the way to hug him. After the Joker Out members had finished hugging Jere, Alika from Estonia was next, then Andri and Jeffrey of Tvorchi from Ukraine, then all of Voyager from Australia. Needless to say, Jere didn’t have to feel alone that night. If he wanted a hug, he knew he would get dozens of them if he just asked.
Despite the burden of losing, Jere managed to spend the night partying and having fun. First they had a smaller party at Jere’s dressing room with the Finnish delegation. Bojan had managed to sneak in and join the party even though he wasn’t Finnish but Jere welcomed him. Bojan did his best to lift Jere’s spirit. At one point he had found Käärijä’s bolero and he put it on himself. He went around pretending to be Käärijä, making everyone laugh, especially Jere.
The rest of the night was spent wandering from one party to another with the other Eurovision contestants and their delegations. While the other artists sometimes left Jere to go talk to other people or to dance, Bojan stayed by his side the whole night. The only time he left him was when he went to the bathroom. Even then, Jere noticed how Bojan practically sprinted back to him. He didn’t know if it was because of his emotional state or the few drinks he had had but Jere felt overwhelmed by all the love he felt for the Slovenian. He thought he could keep his feelings secret. However it was getting difficult to contain them. Whenever he looked at the Slovenian the voice in his head screamed “kiss him!”. It was getting harder and harder to fight it.
Jere slipped up once. When he and Bojan were sitting at a bar, Jere kissed Bojan on the cheek. The way he let his lips linger a moment too long on the Slovenian’s cheek made it pretty clear that the kiss wasn’t just a friendly peck. Jere freaked about possibly crossing a boundary and making his true feelings too clear. “Thank you for…being a great friend” Jere muttered after the kiss and smiled awkwardly at Bojan. Jere realized that he might’ve made a mistake by calling him a friend. The way the man’s face had gone completely red and the way he looked at Jere told him that maybe, just maybe, the feeling wasn’t one-sided. Jere didn’t have time to find out though. His cha cha cha dancers had found him and asked him to come dance with them. Jere couldn’t refuse. Just like he had done for the whole night, Bojan followed behind Jere as he headed towards the dance floor.
As the night went on, people from Jere’s celebration started dropping off one-by-one. The other Eurovision acts had ventured off into smaller private parties or back to their hotels to sleep since some of them had early flights home. All the partying had taken Jere’s mind off his loss for a moment. But as people started leaving, he started to feel the burden again. Now he also felt a new pain: the pain of goodbyes. He had to say goodbye to his fellow contestants. He never expected to grow so close to his competitors, but it happened. Now he had to accept the fact that he was never going to see most of them ever again. It made his hurt a thousand times worse.
The worst part? His hardest goodbye was still ahead of him. He had to say goodbye to Bojan.
As the clock neared 4 am, Jere finally decided to try and go to sleep. Mikke and Bojan came with him. Jere leaned against Bojan for most of the walk to the hotel. He wasn’t that drunk, even after many drinks, but so damn tired and broken that he felt like he needed support to be able to walk. Finally, they arrived in front of Jere’s hotel room’s door. Jere’s other hand clung onto Bojan’s shoulders while he dug up his hotel room’s keycard from his pocket.
“Are you going to stay with him?” Mikke asks, addressing Bojan. There’s worry in his voice. He clearly doesn’t want to leave his brother alone for the rest of the night. “Well, if Jere wants me to stay, I’m not going anywhere,” Bojan replies. “Yes. Please stay” Jere begs. He realizes that he sounds desperate and is ashamed of it. However he trusts that these two men would never make fun of him for that. Mikke nods. “Good.” He says. He looks at Jere and speaks to him in Finnish: “Try to get some sleep. If you need help packing your stuff for the flight, call or text me in the morning.” Jere nods in reply. Mikke looks at both of the men and now speaks english: “Good night to both of you”. “Night” Bojan replies. Jere doesn’t know whether to reply in Finnish or English so he just ends up grunting as a response.
After Mikke leaves, Jere opens his hotel room’s door. He finally lets go of Bojan for the first time in a half an hour or so, so he can get his shoes off. Bojan closes the door behind them. He kicks his shoes off and wanders into the room. The room is messy as expected after two weeks of living there. Jere’s stuff is scattered across the room. There’s empty soda cans, water bottles and takeout food packs on the table opposite to the bed. The chair in the corner of the room is covered by a pile of clothes. Bojan notices Jere’s famous Bulbasaur plushie and formula duvet cover on the bed. He smiles to himself. “I, uh, should shower,” Jere says. He is so sweaty from all the performing and dancing. “Okay, go ahead,” Bojan says to the older man. Jere starts taking off his shirt and suddenly feels self-conscious. Bojan has seen him without a shirt dozens of times already. It is Käärijä’s trademark to be shirtless, afterall. But now, undressing when the men are alone and Jere definitely has feelings for the man he’s with, it feels awkward. Bojan must notice his hesitation because he takes his phone from his pocket and starts looking at it. Jere quietly sighs in relief and takes his shirt off. He grabs himself clean underwear and goes to the bathroom to fully undress.
Jere feels his muscles finally relax after a warm shower. After he dries himself with a towel, he puts on the clean boxers. He takes a look into the mirror on the bathroom wall. He looks fucked up, even after the shower. There are bags under his eyes from all the sleepless nights. His eyes are a little red after all the crying. He looks dead inside. Jere looks away, not being able to look at his reflection anymore. He gets out of the bathroom. He notices Bojan sitting on his bed and scrolling his phone. He has taken off his shirt but still has his pants on. He notices Jere emerging from the bathroom. He doesn’t seem to take notice in his undressed state. Jere sits next to Bojan on the bed. He immediately leans his head against the younger man’s shoulder. Bojan puts his phone away and focuses on the Finn. “Are you feeling upset again?” The Slovenian asks. “Yeah, little” Jere sighs and slumps down on the bed. “Oh, you” Bojan says and lays down next to the Finn.
“You know, I’m so proud of you,” Bojan says. “I know you wanted to win and you should have…but you accomplished something great. The audience loved you, so much. I know you can’t feel it now, but I hope one day you’ll be proud of yourself and realize how loved you are”. Jere appreciates his words but he feels inconsolable. He remembers how Bojan promised to come visit him in Finland if he won. He didn’t. So they weren’t going to see each other again. This broke Jere down even further.
“I know but…” The Finn started and he could feel tears pooling in his eyes for probably the hundredth time tonight. “You not come to Finland now. I not see you again…” Jere muttered. He could feel his voice breaking as he tried to fight back the tears. “What? Of course I will come to see you!” Bojan assured him. He gently turned the Finn’s head so he could make eye contact with him. He placed his hand on his cheek and gently rubbed away the tears that had started falling down on Jere’s face. “What makes you think I don’t want to see you again?” Bojan asks. Jere sighs. “You said you come if I win. I did not win”. “You won the audience votes. That’s a win in my books.” Bojan insists. “Besides, I would’ve come regardless of where you ended up on the scoreboard”. “Really?” Jere asks. “Of course. I…Like you. I wouldn’t abandon you just because you didn’t win”.
Jere feels so grateful to have Bojan. He wants to tell him how much he appreciates him. Tell him how he truly feels about him. Tell him that he has been the best part of Jere’s Eurovision journey. “Bojan, I-” Jere starts but he isn’t able to say anything. He can’t find the right words. He notices that the gap between him and Bojan has gotten very small. He can almost feel Bojan’s breath on his face. So he decides to express his feelings in another way. He leans in and kisses Bojan. Bojan seems surprised for a second but another second later he’s already kissing Jere back. The kiss is slow but passionate. Bojan can taste the salty taste of Jere’s tears on his lips but he doesn’t let it bother him. Instead it only encourages him to press harder against Jere’s lips so he can show him how loved he is. When they finally part from the kiss, they both open their eyes and just look at each other. There’s so much both of them want to say but neither can say anything out loud. They lean into another kiss.
After they part from their second kiss, Jere moves to partly lay on top of the Slovenian to make kissing easier. Bojan looks up at him with a bright smile. He moves his hand behind Jere’s head and pulls him to his lips. As the two men keep kissing, the thought of taking it further reaches Jere’s mind. He knows that even if they will see each other again, it might take a long time before that happens. They both have busy summers ahead. He should use this opportunity. But right now he’s too tired and too broken to try doing anything else. All he wants is a few more kisses, then he wants to fall asleep in Bojan’s arms. Bojan must notice this too. After each kiss it takes longer and longer for Jere to open his eyes. He just wants to close them and drift to sleep.
“Jere, how about we go to sleep?” Bojan suggests. Jere can only say “mhm” in reply. He moves to lay down, facing the other man. He snuggles closer to the man and rests his head against his shoulder. Bojan wraps his arms around Jere’s back. All Jere wants is to close his eyes but before he falls asleep, he has to know how much time they have left together. “When does your plane leave?” Jere asks against Bojan's shoulder. Bojan sighs deeply and replies: “I have to leave for the airport in less than five hours”. Jere’s heart aches from hearing this. His flight leaves later in the afternoon. This means they can’t head to the airport together. When they wake up, they have to say goodbye. He feels tears coming, once again. How the fuck does his body still have tears left to cry? But he fights back and buries his head against Bojan’s neck. Bojan rubs circles on Jere’s back, soothing him.
“Good night, Jere” Bojan whispers. Jere doesn’t have the energy to say it back in English so he replies “Öitä”. He can feel Bojan pressing a gentle kiss on his temple. He whispers something after the kiss. “Ljubim te”. Jere doesn’t know what it means but he falls asleep before he gets a chance to ask.