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He never loved him the way that he wanted him to love him.
There’s a difference between platonic love and romantic love. They’re both fulfilling, both butterfly-inducing, and both excruciating when the time comes for love to end. But, the main difference is how you look at the other when they’re doing nothing really and all you want to do is look at them that way for the rest of their life. Love that breaks your heart when they tell you about a first date with someone who isn’t you but you stay smiling and cherish the happiness that floods their eyes. Love that you can never accept to the fullest when they finally tell you, their best friend, that they might reach their forever. And it happens so quickly, in the blink of an eye, you wonder when they parked the car on the life journey you both promised to stay on. And it happens so quickly, you can’t help yourself to leave them because you can’t ever see them out of your life. They might have parked in the permanent parking spot a few thousand “I love you’s” ago but you’re still driving just so you don’t have to reach the end.
He wasn’t supposed to love him the way that he did.
Wednesday
6:23 From Joshua
Jeonghan!!!
I have a life update!!!
I think I’m going to be engaged soon!!!
And just like that, his heart drops to his stomach. They haven’t spoken in 3 months. He can’t find the words to describe what he is feeling. But he needs to find the words and find the courage to respond before he makes Joshua think that he doesn’t care.
He has a multitude of responses, staring down at his phone. But all his responses, his honesty, wouldn't be what Joshua wants to hear from his best friend. Jeonghan doesn’t want to lie.
6:25 To Joshua
I’m so happy for you!!!
Delete
6:37 To Joshua
I can’t believe this!! You must be so excited!!
Delete
6:53: To Joshua
You must be so happy!!! :)
Delete
7:47 To Joshua
How do you know?
Delete
Jeonghan doesn’t respond. He can’t even think straight as he tries to laugh at Seungkwan’s jokes and at Junhui’s re-telling of his day. The thing is, despite them knowing how he feels towards his best friend if he can even call him that anymore, he doesn’t want their false honesty. He doesn’t know if he can handle their false promises that everything will be alright. Everything is not alright, it hasn’t been alright since their conversation that summer night 2 years ago.
Joshua always talked about wanting to fall in love. Jeonghan always told him that the day would come, he had to be patient. It was true, they were young, still in high school, and holding onto dramatized ideas of relationships from tv shows and books.
Jeonghan knew he had no preference when it came to romantic feelings since he was a child. He just never came to terms with it until he grew up and Joshua became more than just his best friend to him.
Joshua was family. Joshua was light that peered through the cracks. Joshua was a sliver of hope. Joshua was he’s daydreams, his reality, and his nightmares. Joshua was home.
Jeonghan knew if he ever found his way out of their godforsaken town, he’d risk the escape for Joshua. Their town gave way to diminishing plots but Joshua was at least there.
“Jeonghan, what if you leave one day like you planned?” Joshua asked, combing Jeonghan’s bangs out of his face. That tiny affection that made Jeonghan dream a life of hope. A life of hope that he pushed to the back of his mind, until the time was right, and knew Joshua felt the same.
“One day I’ll leave and I’ll take everything. I’ll come back for nothing,” Jeonghan answered Joshua’s simple question. “But coming back wouldn’t hurt as much as leaving. Nowhere in the world do you exist, except for this town.”
Joshua never questioned Jeonghan about leaving after that tiny confession of Jeonghan’s heart. Jeonghan believed Joshua knew that the one thing keeping him from starting life anew, was that Joshua needed to be in that life; his life. So, he stayed put and tried to be truly happy with Joshua by his side to carry him through the hard times. He held onto the life he knew he couldn’t keep up with anymore to hold onto the forever that he and Joshua had promised each other.
High school was a strange moment in their lives. Jeonghan moved and Joshua stayed where they both had lived for their entire lives. Jeonghan couldn’t survive any longer and Joshua assured him that no matter the circumstance, he’d always be waiting on the other side.
If Joshua never promised for their lives to still be intertwined, even through the distance, Jeonghan would never have found himself where he is now. If Joshua had cursed him for leaving, Jeonghan could have survived the heartbreak easier. If Joshua had allowed himself to let go of him in those trying times when Jeonghan couldn’t pick up the phone, couldn’t answer the two-word text message, Jeonghan would have spent his life not knowing what it meant to love someone who could never love you back.
Joshua, my love, you should have followed through on your threats. We wouldn’t be here. And here hurts far worse than any “I hate you” you let leave your mouth. It hurts far worse than the part of my heart that grieves you though I haven’t lost you. Not yet at least.
Jeonghan gave the space for Joshua to leave. Joshua never left. Jeonghan never left. And though their friendship withstood arguments and silent treatments and “I hate you,” it came down to the love that they shared through every apology.
Jeonghan never allowed himself to leave Joshua. Jeonghan never wanted to hurt Joshua, so he never sought to leave when the timing was more than just right. Joshua could leave Jeonghan, and Jeonghan would mask the hurt by knowing he never hurt Joshua.
Jeonghan allowed himself bruises, as long as they were bruises from Joshua.
“Jeonghan!! Tell me more about this boy you like!! I need some romance in my life, even if it is second-hand romance!!” Joshua screamed through the phone.
“Joshua, be quiet. I wasn’t expecting you to call after I sent the message” Jeonghan calmed the boy down, surprised by the sudden phone call. “There’s nothing much to say about it. It’s just a silly crush.”
Joshua scoffs, “Can’t be a silly crush. You don’t like people easily.”
Jeonghan smiles to himself, “You know me so well.”
It was true. Jeonghan had a hard time liking people because, to him, true attraction came from knowing who they were as a person. They could have a beautiful face but not a beautiful character. The boy was in his English classes. He had a deep voice and spoke with confidence. He was smart and perfectly calm among his chaotic friend group. Jeonghan watched him walk into the classroom every day for a month before the boy was thrown into his presentation group. He was perfect and Jeonghan allowed himself to be swept off his feet from the boy's charms.
Despite the perfection, this boy offered Jeonghan, Jeonghan knew no life, no love would be as strong as his life and love with Joshua.
Joshua never understood the reasoning behind why Jeonghan never allowed the romance to blossom. Jeonghan never wanted to tell him. His life belonged to Joshua, one day he’ll find out.
Summer, 5 years ago, morning.
9:13 To Joshua
Why is it you never want to hang out with me but you hang out with your other friends all the fucking time?
9:14 From Joshua
What are you on about this time?
9:17 To Joshua
I always suggest we go eat or get coffee
But you say you’re always busy
What’s up with that?
Do even want to talk to me?
9:28 From Joshua
I’m allowed to have other friends
9:30 To Joshua
I know
I have other friends
But I want to hang out with you
9:32 From Joshua
I’ll try
9:41 From Joshua
You’re so stupid and childish if you’re mad at me
9:56 From Joshua
Jeonghan, I love you.
I’m sorry:(
10:03 To Joshua
I love you too
Jeonghan knew that Joshua had other friends than him, he loved that Joshua had found people to care for him after he had to leave. The thing was, Jeonghan, didn’t enjoy the idea that Joshua suggested they could have other best friends apart from each other. It took away from the title of the best friend, the concept that only one person who you love the most can hold it. Jeonghan never gave that title to his friends that he made, he could never imagine calling anyone else his best friend that wasn’t Joshua. Joshua, unfortunately, did not hold the same belief as him.
That was the first heartbreak caused by Joshua.
It wasn’t at all Joshua’s fault though. Jeonghan knew he was slipping from the grip that Joshua had on him. The grip that Jeonghan adored. The grip he revered.
Jeonghan stopped texting Joshua every day, spending more time creating memories with the friends he knew he also wanted to keep by his side. He focused on his family and his hobbies, finding it easier to not want to tell Joshua every tiny accomplishment he felt he needed to tell Joshua. It felt like Jeonghan was finally able to understand that there was more to life than Joshua. That there were other factors in the universe that helped him find the sunlight when he found himself falling into the nighttime.
Junhui was the first person he met after he moved and started at a new high school away from Joshua. Junhui was similar to him in multiple aspects. Junhui made him laugh with that uniquely weird sense of humor of his. Junhui hugged him whenever they weren’t going to see each other for a long period of time. Junhui wanted to be with him, all the time. Junhui wanted to hear about his day and wanted to tell him about everything that is good in the world. Junhui wanted to heal the hurt that Jeonghan ever felt. Junhui was a new leaf. Junhui was love and care and ambition. Jeonghan held onto him during all the days he missed Joshua. Jeonghan found comfort in Junhui’s words and found comfort in knowing that this boy who ate school breakfast with him most mornings could drive him out of his fears and mishaps. Junhui was just like Joshua, but different all the same.
Junhui was a fresh breath in the polluted air that Jeonghan and Joshua found themselves in this time around.
Soon enough it was Jeonghan and Junhui in Jeonghan’s mind. Joshua was a thought away but still prominent in his mind. Joshua wasn’t his life, despite every argument that Jeonghan wanted to throw, Joshua was nothing more and nothing less. Joshua was Joshua, and Jeonghan could live with that.
Seokmin, Seungkwan, and Seungcheol came next. Jeonghan had known Seungcheol from the middle school that he and Joshua both attended. Jeonghan wasn’t close with Seungcheol one bit during those school years. He surrounded himself with Joshua and found no need to find companionship with anyone else. How crazy was it that Seungcheol would find his way into his life?
“Aren’t you and Joshua inseparable?” Seungcheol asked Jeonghan during lunchtime in the library.
“We are separable,” Jeonghan spoke with sincerity. “We weren’t in middle school. We are now. We can be our own people.”
“You’re still friends right?”
“Best friends,” Jeonghan spoke as if that was the most important clarification he could make.
“I’m your best friend too, right?”
“Of course, you, Junhui, Seungkwan, and Seokmin.”
That was the first time Jeonghan ever felt right in saying that he had other best friends than Joshua. It was the first time he had accepted that the light in his life was because of others who loved just as much he loved them. It didn’t break his heart as much as when Joshua told him he had other best friends. He couldn’t hold that grudge if he too found others to care for.
Fear is understandable. Fear lives in every single person. We fear the mere fact that anything we do will not be accepted in the eyes of those we love the most. Fear drives us to do crazy things, feel crazy things, think crazy things. Fear is what you find once you reach the part of life that isn’t perfect.
Jeonghan didn’t fear Joshua, didn’t fear his opinions because Jeonghan always believed that they were the same. Jeonghan feared that he thought differently from Joshua and feared that would be the reason why they couldn’t make the forever they promised each other.
Jeonghan was crazy to think he could drive away his best friend. Joshua always told him he’d still be standing when the waves crashed and wiped everything away.
Jeonghan never knew he would fear Joshua in a way that was indescribable.
Summer, 2 years ago
“I have something to tell you. Something that has been on my mind for the past year,” Jeonghan said slowly, almost like he was whispering.
“What is it?” Joshua said slowly, almost like he was matching Jeonghan’s whispering.
“I think I know what love feels like,” Jeonghan answered in a way that felt very open-ended.
“What do you mean?” Joshua questioned.
Jeonghan didn’t want to answer his best friend’s question. He had to, he started something that he knew Joshua wouldn’t let go of. “It’s just a feeling I have.”
“Then I think I know what love feels like too,” Joshua teased. “Jeonghan, you don’t know what love feels like. You have never dated anyone in your life.”
“I said it was just a feeling…”
Jeonghan knew what love was. He had felt it every day he heard back from Joshua. He had felt it when he thought of Joshua. Felt it when Joshua said his name over the phone before they went to bed. Felt in the morning when Joshua was describing his dreams from the night before. Felt it whenever Joshua sent him written letters in the mail. Felt it when Joshua recommended him television shows. Felt it when Joshua would post about his favorite things or his hobbies on social media. Anything Joshua did, said, or thought, Jeonghan knew the warm feeling inside his chest, the warming feeling in his cheeks, Jeonghan knew that warm feeling was love. He had loved Joshua for so long. He wanted to love Joshua for forever.
Jeonghan knew what love was. Jeonghan didn’t need to date anyone to know what it was.
Jeonghan knew.
Jeonghan didn’t want Joshua to know.
If Joshua could not understand the love Jeonghan spoke of that night, Jeonghan wouldn’t fear everything he told Joshua from that point forward. Jeonghan wouldn’t fear Joshua asking him personal questions. Jeonghan wouldn’t fear that one day he might be stupid enough to say something that would make Joshua stop him dead in his tracks. Jeonghan knew that Joshua wouldn’t deal with his bullshit. Jeonghan had known that all his life with Joshua. Joshua might have stayed this long, but Joshua never feared leaving, despite Joshua promising he’d never leave. Jeonghan feared Joshua’s fearlessness.
When Jeonghan and Joshua graduated high school, Jeonghan made the time in his schedule to attend Joshua’s graduation.
What Jeonghan didn’t know was that Joshua, despite inviting him, would pay little attention to him. Joshua met up with his parents after the ceremony and hugged Jeonghan for the few seconds before turning his attention back to the group of friends Jeonghan had become not too fond of.
In the hours that Jeonghan spent getting ready, driving to the venue, finding a place to sit, sitting through the ceremony, and finding a place to meet afterward, Joshua gave him a ten-second hug. Gave him one photo with another childhood friend of theirs. Gave him a small smile in the crowded parking lot. Then laughed and screamed with his newfound friends.
It was over quicker than it had started. They hadn’t seen each other in person in a long time and that was the only interaction that Joshua offered him.
Joshua did say hi to him at his graduation reception. A few minutes outside in the yard. A quick hug. And they were back to the same cycle they’d been in for a few years.
Jeonghan knew their friendship would never be the same.
Jeonghan still knew he loved Joshua with his whole heart.
That was the hard part. Loving someone who took up your entire life for years and years. All these years of being the spotlight in every word you spoke. Being the highlight of every day you lived.
That was the hard part. To love someone with all the force in the world that if they fell apart tomorrow, nothing would stop you from running and running until you were there to kiss the scrapes away.
That was the hard part. Hoping that person would give you their midnights and their vulnerability. Their forever and always.
There is only so much pining and yearning, so much unrequited love that one can tiptoe around before falling through. There is only so much bandaging of the same scar before it bleeds through everything.
Once everything becomes so unfamiliar, you can’t seem to remember who you are without them by their side, before the ground opens up and eats you whole.
There is only so much running before you run out of breath.
There is only so much before the smoke you never knew was there clears and the answer is right in front of your face.
That is when you realize you fell in love. Fell in love with the hopeful possible impossibility of receiving the same love back.
A plea to receive the same love back.
Jeonghan never meant to fall in love with Joshua. He never wanted to.
Friday
3:34 From Joshua
I know you’re probably pretty busy, the end of the semester and all
I’m back home
I heard you’d be home soon
Let's meet and we can talk and catch up
4:23 From Joshua
I miss you, Jeonghan
Please respond when you get the chance :)
I love you dude <3
11:36 To Joshua
Sorry heh
Been busy as you thought
I’ll let you know when I’m back home
Love you :)
When Jeonghan and Joshua started college, Jeonghan wanted to make sure that Joshua was in touch with him as much as possible. Regardless of if it was one text message every few weeks. That was all Jeonghan needed. The truest best of friends knew without communication they had each other to lean on. That thought was all Jeonghan needed to continue life.
They haven’t spoken to each other in person since a run-in at the post office in the first semester of their first year of university.
They were now at the end of their second year and Jeonghan held back his tears as he parked his car at the park he agreed to meet Joshua at since returning home. Jeonghan knew that he had to do what he was going to do to prevent any more heartbreak in this journey of his. He needed to say what he needed to say so he could continue on with his life without feeling like he’s left behind the most important thing in his life. He needed to know that he wasn’t leaving the most important thing in life behind. Rather, he was growing up and moving on.
Joshua wasn’t his anymore.
Joshua was sitting at a picnic table under the shade. Everything about him was the same. Same smile, the same sparkle in the eyes, the same warmth in his hug, the same perfection that Jeonghan has known all these years. The same perfection that made him fall so deeply in love with Joshua. And for a moment, Jeonghan felt that he could live with Joshua as he lived his life with someone else.
Jeonghan could break into a million pieces every day if he could see Joshua happy.
Weakness, the weakness that Joshua bestowed upon him, was his greatest flaw.
“How has school been?” Joshua asked to start the conversation.
“Better than the first year. My GPA went up,” Jeonghan answered, keeping himself from reaching Joshua’s gaze. He wouldn’t make it through to the end. “How’s school been for you?”
“Pretty great,” Joshua spoke again.
Jeonghan and Joshua sit in silence for a while.
“You never told me you were seeing someone,” Jeonghan says. He didn’t know, Joshua never told him. He found out through Instagram stories.
“Did I not tell you?” Joshua says, softly this time around.
“Never. I found out through social media.”
“It just kind of happened, unexpectedly.” Joshua cracks his knuckles. “It’s been great though, being in love with someone great.”
Jeonghan finds himself blinking back the tears that have glazed his eyes. “Now you might get engaged.”
Joshua lets out a laugh that does nothing but fills Jeonghan’s heart with the special kind of warmth that Jeonghan knew only belonged to Joshua.
“Actually, I am going to get engaged! Isn’t that crazy?”
Jeonghan doesn’t answer him. He takes a few deep breaths to stop his voice from shaking when he actually speaks. Except now the words he has been wanting to say can’t seem to pass the tip of his tongue. Every single moment that he and Joshua shared keeps flashing before his eyes and it becomes so much harder to think he could say what he needs to say. Every argument, every text message, and every memory makes Jeonghan hate himself.
He hates how much he told Joshua he hates himself. He hates how much he entrusted Joshua. Hates that every single feeling he’s felt he told Joshua. Hates that whenever Joshua messages him he messages back in seconds. Hates that whenever he goes home, he thinks of Joshua. Hates that he still dreams of Joshua. Hates that he still holds hope that Joshua will love him just the same. Hates that he shared every dream and expectation only for Joshua to forget him. Hates that he gave his life to Joshua.
Jeonghan hates Joshua.
Except hate is never truly hate. Hate is only hurt. And without even knowing it, Joshua has hurt Jeonghan in more ways than Jeonghan could imagine. And Jeonghan has never hurt Joshua until now.
“Jeonghan, aren’t you happy for me?” Joshua asks. Jeonghan knows that is what has been on Joshua’s mind since he sent the follow-up messages.
Jeonghan clears his throat and looks into the clear blue sky of their hometown. “How can I? How can I be happy if you never told me about this person? How can I when you never shared anything about any of this with me? How can I be happy if you never allowed me into this happiness of yours?”
“It’s not like I didn’t want to tell you.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me? I thought I was your best friend. And as your best friend, I want to hear these things. I want to hear about your life and your happiness. I want to know everything about you because I want to tell you everything about me. Because I love you.”
“Jeonghan, I’m sorry. I don’t know what you want me to do or say. I can’t change that I didn’t tell you everything.” Joshua tries to hide the emotion that Jeonghan knows has risen to the surface. Jeonghan knew everything about Joshua not to notice the change of voice and the way he crosses one leg over the other. He has hurt Joshua and he hasn’t even finished his speech.
“Joshua, I can’t be your friend anymore. If you want me to be happy for you, I can’t be your friend. I can’t be in your life and I can’t have you in my life. Do you remember when I told you that I felt like I knew what love was? I knew what love was because I loved you. And I still love you. I love you so deeply that even the distance between us couldn’t stop me from loving you. I love you so deeply that every single time you broke my heart, I forgave you in seconds just so I didn’t lose you. I have loved you every single day of our life together. I can’t find a way to not love you if I still have you in my life. You are my perfection. You are my light in the darkness. You are my safe space. You are my home. You are my life. You have always been my life. You’re the sliver of hope that runs through my veins. You’re daylight and night-time, high hopes and the lowest lows. You’re every holiday I enjoy and every blush that runs through my cheeks is because I’m thinking of you. You have made me believe you’re the end of time. And I shouldn’t be living at the end of time. Joshua, I can’t be your friend anymore.”
Jeonghan wants to walk away and let the tears stream down his face. He doesn’t want to hear any word that Joshua might say to make him stay. He knows he will stay if Joshua says to. Jeonghan wants to scream at Joshua that he hates him. He wants Joshua to tell him that he hates him just the same.
“I do love you Jeonghan.”
“Not the way that I love you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Joshua, please know no one will hold my hand like you can. Joshua, as long as you know I love you, please know my love will guide you through the times you feel alone. But, from this point forward, this is a trip you have to take alone. And maybe one day, we’ll both find the strength to come back home, back to where we belong. Together. But if I don’t run now, I won’t find my way through the darkness. The darkness in the light that has flooded my life since I fell in love with you. Life we’ll bring us back because in the end, no matter where we are, we’ll run back to the home we created.”
Jeonghan stands up and walks away. He doesn’t look back at Joshua. He can’t. He won’t.
That’s when he feels Joshua’s hand on his shoulder. False honesty through one simple touch.
“Jeonghan, you always told me we had forever. This can’t be it.”
“This is it.”
Jeonghan doesn’t say anything more. He leaves instead and tries to tell himself that this is for the best. That he can’t prosper if he continuously finds his way back to Joshua. That Joshua has held him back all these years. Now he is free, not from Joshua, but from the tunnel that Joshua built around his soul. The tunnel he allowed to be built. The tunnel he never saw an ending to.
And now he has found himself on the other side, surrounded by the love he’s never cherished as much as he should.
7:38 From Joshua
The place we first met, find me here whenever the time is right.
Goodbye.
I don’t want to wait on you
But it’s just what I keep doing
As if I’ve got nothing to do
As if my life won’t keep on going
Without you…