Work Text:
Barbara Howard was a woman of many labels. Black, Woman of God, kindergarten teacher, mother of Taylor and Gina Howard, divorcee, best friend to Melissa Schemmenti, work mom to Janine Tegues, Gregory Eddie, and Jacob Hill, and girlfriend -even though she hated the term - to one (1) Ava Coleman. She had spent her life allowing others to label her and labeling herself. Although almost all of her labels fit like a glove, there was always one that didn’t quite feel right.
——-
The blessed end of the school year. A time of last-minute field trips, field days, and movie periods. The first week of June was always the last week of school. The weather was warm and teachers and students alike were itching to get to summer vacation.
Tuesday was field day, which for Abbott meant turning on the hydrant and getting the water ice truck out. Still, the children ran outside all day, playing, having fun, and staying cool. Barbara, Melissa, and Gregory relaxed in the shade, while still keeping a watchful eye, and enjoyed their own cups of water ice. The conversation flowed comfortably, Gregory chiming in a lot more than he used to; talk was only interrupted by a small child wanting their teacher to watch them spin around and act impressed. They were very good at that. Jacob, who had been running in the water with his 8th graders, moseyed over and plopped down in the lawn chair next to Barbara.
“You alright kid,” Melissa asked.
“Oh yeah! I’m fine. I just can’t run around like I used to anymore. The energy is not there. I’m surprised I made it this long. I almost fell over at Pride last year.” He spoke as quickly as his breath would allow, “Speaking of which, do you all want to go as a work family this year? Hmm? I know we’ve got more than allies in our mix.” Jacob wiggles his eyebrows in Barbara and Melissa’s direction, earning an eye roll from both of them.
“Jacob if you, as young as you are, can’t handle it, what makes you think we can,” Barbara scoffed.
“Oh! That’s because I went to a Pride rave! I’m talking if we go to the parade and little festival that they’re having this weekend on Cherry Street Pier.” Before anyone can respond, Janine stumbles over seemingly upset. Both Barbara and Gregory shot out of their seats, Barbara beating him to her.
“What’s the matter? Are you hurt?” Barbara’s eyes did a quick scan, Janine taking the opportunity to fall into the older woman’s arms.
“Ava broke out the water balloons,” Janine panted, “save yourselves.” At that, Barbara scoffed again, pushing Janine to stand on her own. She waved her away, going back to sit in her chair. Janine just smiled and sat next to Gregory.
“What’s the hot topic over here in the shade?” Janine asked once she settled.
“Jacob was asking if we wanted to go to Pride this weekend as a group,” Gregory said.
“Aht Aht! Work family. I asked if we wanted to go as a work family,” Jacob corrected, throwing Janine a wink. He knew that saying anything with family in it was guaranteed to get Janine on board.
“Oh my goodness! I think that’s a great idea! It would be such a fun way to wrap up the school year. I’m down! Gregory?” Janine turned to her boyfriend, flashing her ‘please for me’ eyes that he almost never said no to.
“Sure. I mean I can’t promise that I won’t be uncomfortable with the crowd size, but I’m down for supporting you all.” This made both Janine and Jacob smile, leaving only the elders and Ava to agree.
“Barbara? Melissa? Are you all on board?” Jacob flashed his best goofy grin and hoped for the best. They both looked at each other and while Melissa was totally for it, Barbara looked a bit uneasy. Ava walked over before they could answer with two water balloons.
“Ava don’t you dare,” Barbara warned, not even looking in her direction.
“Relax! I wasn’t going to. I was about to ask what Jacob wanted you to be on board for?” Ava turned back in the direction of the kids, delivering two strong-armed water balloons to one unsuspecting Henry. She turned back looking for an explanation.
“Jacob wants us to go to Pride this weekend as a work family,” Janine answered, “Gregory and I have already agreed to go.”
“Melissa? Barb?” Ava redirected her focus.
“I mean, it wouldn’t hurt. I haven’t been to one since they were still protests when I was a teenager. I’m sure they’re much more fun now,” Melissa reasoned.
“Trust me,” Jacob said, “they’re a time .”
“Sure kid. I’ll go. Barb?” All eyes turned to her, eagerly awaiting her answer. Barbara still wasn’t sure how comfortable she was with going. Sure she was out… but out as what? She went from being divorced and then a year later dating Ava. She never actually came out. She just got a girlfriend. She didn’t even know how she labeled herself. How could she go to Pride without knowing what exactly she was proud of? But the way they were all waiting with bated breath for her answer let her know that if she had said no, she was going to disappoint them.
“I guess if everyone is going, I should as well,” she answered, eyes fluttering around to take in the smiles on their faces.
“Well if my Barbie goes, I go,” Ava agreed, already starting to walk back to play with the kids.
“This is so great! I’m going to get all of us our flags and we’re going to have so much fun.” Jacob bounced excitedly as he started to plan the whole weekend in his head.
“Our flags?” Barbara had never heard of flags before. Why did they need them and how many were there?
“Yeah! Each sexuality has its own flag with different colors that represent them,” Jacob answered.
“I thought that was the rainbow?” Barbara was good and confused at this point. The more she asked the more embarrassed she got.
“Well, yes. That’s everyone’s flag, but it’s an umbrella of sorts. All of the sexualities under the LGBTQ+ umbrella are different so they get different flags,” Jacob explained, “which I will be getting for each of us. So if your flag has changed since I last checked, let me know.” With that Jacob had bounced back into the sun with his students, immediately getting pelted with water balloons. Barbara was left with an understanding but confused. What was her flag? She decided she would ask Ava when they were home.
——-
Barbara spent all evening wondering how to broach the subject with Ava, not wanting to seem stupid or old. She had almost said ‘forget it’ and googled it, but she ran the risk of getting it wrong and looking old and stupid anyhow. So when they settled in bed, Barbara turned on her side facing Ava and took a deep breath before speaking.
“Ava?”
“Hm?”
“What’s my flag,” she asked timidly. Ava opened her mouth to make a smart remark but shut it and paused.
“Well, what’s your sexuality?”
“I,” Barbara breathed. This was embarrassing. Her bottom lip trembled as she admitted, “I don’t know.” Ava heard the thickness of her voice, sat up, and turned on the light. Barbara lay there, tears brimming her eyes.
“C’mere,” Ava beckoned, pulling Barbara into her arms. “It’s okay not to know. It takes some people a long time to figure it out. Some people never define it, and that’s okay. As long as you’re comfortable with who you are.”
“But I want to know. I’ve always known who I am and the fact that I can’t put a name to a big part of who I am… it scares me.” Barbara clutched at Ava tighter, needing to feel something solid and steady as she spiraled on the inside.
“That’s understandable, but no one can tell you who you are. You’ve gotta do that yourself. You don’t have to know now.”
“What do I do about Jacob and the flag?”
“Tell the Keebler elf that you’re rocking with the rainbow for a little while,” Ava supplied and kissed Barbara’s hairline where her scarf and forehead met. Barbara sat and let herself be soothed, relaxing in Ava’s warmth and love. After a minute Ava spoke again, “And if he asks questions, tell him to shove em-”
“-Thank you, honey.” Barbara chuckled and wiped the tears from her eyes.
“You straight?” Ava cupped Barbara’s cheek, bringing them face to face.
“Well, considering that I’m with you, I think it’s safe to say I’m not that one,” Barbara joked. Ava giggled - something that never happened- and kissed Barbara’s lips gently.
“That was a good one,” Ava acknowledged, “but seriously, are you good?” It was times like these that made Barbara’s whole interior feel like mush and her entire exterior follow. Ava was known for being so unserious all of the time and very self-absorbed, but when it came to her students and to Barbara ; she would move Heaven and Earth to make sure they were okay. And every single time, Barbara fell in love with her even more.
“I’m okay,” Barbara nodded. She pressed her lips to Ava’s and lingered. The tenderness in which Ava held her made Barbara want to cry. She decided at that moment that whatever she was- she just wanted to be that with Ava for a very long time.
——-
Wednesday brought the school-wide awards ceremony (that always made the kids who didn’t get anything feel bad), which led to classroom awards afterward where everyone got something.
Barbara sat in the teacher's lounge hearing but not listening to the conversation of everyone around her. She had been stuck on her whole ‘sexuality’ issue. She knew that Ava was being truthful with her when she said it would take time, but time was not something Barbara felt she had. She needed to know. It was tearing her apart on the inside. It always lingered in the back of her mind but it was never a prominent issue until the Pride situation. She wanted something to be proud of. She wanted to be able to tell people what letter in the acronym was hers. She had lived 60-some-odd years unable to do so. She had lived those years hiding, doing what she thought was right in the eyes of God and her parents. Being with Ava had made her free, and she was happy, but she was still a woman of labels. She felt like nothing was valid until there was a name to it. That was a big reason she grinned and bore being called Ava’s girlfriend. It was a title, something she could introduce herself as. It put a name to their relationship. It made their relationship real. Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t pay attention when Jacob came in, a big box in his arms.
“Okay mi familia,” he said, setting the box down on the table, “I went out yesterday and collected everyone’s flag.” Jacob pulled packages out of the box, putting them down in front of Janine, Melissa, and Barbara. Janine opened her’s immediately, smiling at the vibrant blue, yellow, and pink flag. Melissa followed, a pink, purple, and blue flag coming out of her bag.
“Barbara I wasn’t sure of yours, so I’ll get yours when you tell me, but that’s Ava’s. She asked me to give it to you for safekeeping,” Jacob explained. Barbara peeked inside the packaging to see the same flag as Melissa’s. Barbara wondered if she should just ask for the same one as Ava, but remembered that Ava told her to just get the rainbow.
“I will just take a rainbow for now, Jacob,” Barbara decided. Jacob nodded, added the request to his notes app, and swept back out of the lounge.
“Not gonna spring for the bi flag Barb,” Melissa questioned, pushing her glasses on top of her head. Barbara assumed that was the flag that she and Ava had. She had known that her friend and girlfriend both identified as bisexual, and she knew that it meant that they liked both men and women. For a long time Barbara assumed that she could identify with that, but every time she tried, it never felt quite right. She had been married to a man for 30 years and had been in minor relationships with men prior to that, and she knew that she liked women now, but she wasn’t sure she liked men anymore. She really wasn’t sure she liked anyone anymore. She just wanted Ava. Was there a way to be Avasexual? She wouldn’t ask, no reason to make the woman’s head bigger than it was; she already hogged most of the pillows.
“I just like all of the colors,” she lied quickly. Melissa shrugged it off and turned her attention to her phone.
——
Thursday brought movie day, which, in the teacher’s opinion, was the best day of the year. Everyone wore their pajamas and brought in blankets and pillows, the teachers brought snacks for their kids, and the whole school watched movies in their classrooms for the whole day. Technically it wasn’t allowed, but every year Ava found a way to convince the school board to let it slide.
Barbara’s class was midway through their first movie of the day when Jacob crept into her classroom, looking positively goofy in his Ketanji Brown Jackson pajamas and Ruth Bader Ginsburg slippers. He carried a package and sat down on the floor next to Barbara’s rocking chair where she was settled.
“Good morning Mr.Hill. What brings you by,” Barbara whispers.
“Good morning Ms.Howard. I came to give you your flag for this weekend.” He sat the package on her lap and turned his attention to the screen, “I love this movie!” Barbara let him sit there and watch, too focused on the flag in her lap. She was so sure of the rainbow the day before, now that she had it, she didn’t want it. She couldn’t ask for a different one, because she wasn’t sure of the one she needed. It became very frustrating for her.
“Jacob?” She pulled his attention from the movie, shifting in her chair so she could look at him. She took a good look at his face. The years had aged him nicely, but she still saw the bubbly young man that was excited to change lives his first year at Abbott. He was still a baby. One of her babies. Not that she’d ever admit it. It was enough she let them call her their work mom.
“Yes ma’am?”
“Did…did you ever,” she was nervous, “did you ever identify as anything other than gay?” She whispered the last word, not sure why. It wasn’t a bad word. Old habits die hard. She’d work on it.
“I was bi for a while. Why?”
“When did you figure out you weren’t that?”
“When I realized that I wasn’t really attracted to women; I just dated them out of obligation. I knew that I wouldn’t end up marrying one ever, so I figured it was time to retire the bi and embrace the gay. Why?” Jacob had turned his attention back to the movie while talking as if it was the most casual conversation like what he was having for lunch that afternoon. When Barbara didn’t answer his why, he slowly turned his head back to her, the realization making his eyes wide. “Are you…questioning, Barbara?” Barbara chewed at her bottom lip, nodding timidly.
“Please don’t say anything to anyone,” she added quickly.
“I would never.” They sat in silence for a few seconds before Jacob added, “It’s totally normal to question and change.” With that he stood, saluted her with two fingers, and left her room.
______
The last day of school. Arguably the busiest day, yet everything felt like slow motion to Barbara. Anxiety filled her stomach all day. While in bed the previous night she had come to a decision. She had figured it out. And today was when she had to tell someone.
Barbara spent the whole day loving on her kindergarteners who were now moving to first grade. She would miss them as she did the 30+ years of previous kindergartners she had taught. It always gave her joy seeing them grow and knowing she had something to do with their advancement.
As the school day came to a close, she collected the rainbow flag she had brought back to school with her. She hadn’t even taken it out of the package. She trudged up to Jacob’s room, each footstep feeling heavier.
“Mr.Hill,” Barbara greeted. She stopped when she saw the young man at his desk, wiping away a few tears, “Are you alright, sweetheart?” She had kicked into ‘work mom’ mode and was at his side within moments.
“Yes, I’m fine. Happens every last day of school. I’m so proud of them, but I hate seeing my 8th graders go,” he explains. Barbara exhaled and smiled, laying a hand on his shoulder and squeezing gently.
“I understand all too well. I feel the same about my kindergarteners every year.”
“What did you need?” Jacob turned his chair around to give her his full attention.
“Right,” Barbara breathed anxiously. “I came to ask to exchange this.” She held out the flag, inviting him to change it. Jacob’s breath caught and quickly took the package.
“Is it okay for me to ask what to get you instead?” Barbara nodded, but when she opened her mouth nothing came out. Why was this so hard? She had done a good job accepting it herself the night before. Even said it out loud a few times to herself in the mirror. Why couldn’t she tell him? “Would you like to sit down?” Jacob stood from his chair, guided her to sit, and kneeled in front of her.
“I apologize. I don’t know why I’m finding this so difficult,” Barbara said, batting her lashes quickly in an attempt to fend off the tears that had gathered in her eyes. She felt silly.
“Barbara, coming out isn’t always the easiest. It’s okay if you don’t want to.”
“But I need to. For me.” Jacob nodded and gestured to her that he was listening. Barbara took a deep breath and allowed a tear or two before speaking, “I would… I would like to exchange this flag for… for a lesbian one. If possible.” The smile Jacob gave her was almost blinding.
“Of course it’s possible,” Jacob sniffed, a tear of his own escaping. “Thank you for trusting me with this. I feel honored.” He offered her his hands to hold and he was glad when she took them. “For what it’s worth, I am very proud of you. Which is weird because it’s almost always the other way around.” Barbara let out a watery laugh and sighed.
“Thank you, Jacob.”
“You’re welcome.”
______
“There are so many people,” Gregory croaked, his eyes wide. They were waiting for the rest of their crew at the meeting spot. Janine held his hand and pulled him down to her.
“Thank you for coming,” she said, kissing his cheek. Jacob and Zach were next to arrive, Jacob complained about the lack of parking as Zach helped him apply sunscreen to the back of his neck and arms.
“Hey, lowercase!” They heard Melissa shout from a few feet away as she moved toward them. Janine waved her over and made space for her in their huddle.
“Nice shirt, Melissa,” Zach complimented through a laugh. Melissa smiled pushing her chest out so that everyone could read the ‘I <3 hot chicks’ written across it.
“Hey,” she shrugged, “when at Pride…”
“What it do baby boos?!” Ava wasn’t even close to them, and yet her greeting was as clear as day.
“Ava and Barb are here,” Melissa said with an eye roll. Soon the couple was at their side, hands held tightly.
“Alright! Who’s ready to Pride,” Jacob said excitedly. He received answers in the form of whoops and yeses. The team walked the booths, getting souvenirs and drinks on their way to the parade.
“Guys,” Janine said once they got to the parade spot a few hours later, “I want a picture with our flags!” Everyone pulled theirs out of their bags, but Jacob pulled out Barbara’s new one, handing it to her with a wide smile.
“I thought he already gave you one,” Ava asked Barbara while adjusting hers.
“He did,” she took a deep breath and looked at Jacob who gave her a wink of encouragement, “it didn’t quite fit.” At that, everyone stopped and gave her their full attention. She took another deep breath and reached for Ava’s hand for support.
“My name is Barbara Howard. I am black. I am a woman of God, a kindergarten teacher, the mother of Taylor and Gina Howard, a divorcee, the best friend to Melissa Schemmenti, the work mom to Janine Tegues, Gregory Eddie, and Jacob Hill, the girlfriend to Ava Coleman and…a lesbian.”