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The silence in the car was deafening. Jay's eyes stayed glued out the window, watching rain drops race down the window, placing mental bets on which one would reach the destination first. Every attempt to break the silence was quickly shut down by the man behind the wheel. Jay would turn on the radio, praying for something, anything, to make the uncomfortable tension a bit more bearable, but Tim would immediately switch it off the moment Jay retracted his hand.
It started off as Tim expressing his concern for Jay. Or rather, he thought thats what he was doing, but it ended up coming off more as Tim overbearing Jay.
"He wasn't going to hurt me! See, I'm okay!" Jay gestured to his unharmed body, and Tim rolled his eyes.
"How do you know? How do you know he wasn't gonna stab you?" Tim raised his voice, causing Jay to slightly shrink away. Jay was overwhelmed and the feeling of Tim's condescending stare didn't make him feel any better.
"Because he handed me his knife! He obviously didn't have any plans of hurting me!" Jay raised his voice as well, hands flailing about as he expressed.
"Oh! So he had a knife? And you weren't gonna tell me that? God, Jay! Are you stupid?!" Tim regretted the words the moment they left his mouth, but he didn't back out. In his mind, the damage had already been done.
"I don't know, Tim! Maybe I am! But I'll tell you what I'm not! I'm not weak! I'm not some innocent baby that needs protecting. I can take care of myself! And I don't need you to hover over my back so that you can feel better about being weak!" Jay huffed, hands now angrily fidgeting with his sleeves.
Tim stared at Jay, eyebrows angrily furrowing. "I am not weak." He muttered. "You are weak. Compared to me, you are an ant. And compared to him, you are nothing. Hes trying to gain your trust so that he can stab you when he gets the chance." Tim seemed bitter, Jay's words seemed to strike a sensitive nerve. Tim crossed his arms over his chest, defending himself. "If he hurts you, there's nothing I can do. There's nothing you can do. Everything we've done would all be a waste of time. Alex would be free to do whatever he wants to do. More people would die. Think about the other people. Stop being selfish."
Jay scoffed, eyebrows rising in shock and offense. "Selfish? I'm being selfish? Do you hear yourself, Tim? Do you hear how stupid you sound? God, I love you but sometimes you are insufferable!" Jay turned to leave the motel room, hoping he could get the final word in.
Tim wouldn't let that happen. "You don't love me! You love the bits of me that can help you. The parts that can benefit you! You don't love me, you love the image of me you made up in your head." A part of Tim knew it wasn't true. He knew Jay loved him, all of him, and he knew he loved Jay. But his mind was too clouded by anger, frustration, and premature grief for losing Jay even though he was right in front of him.
Jay tried to think of a response, but he couldn't think of one that wouldn't make the situation worse. He knew Tim was stubborn. He knew if he tried to say something, Tim would refute it or turn the words around in the heat of the moment. So fuck it, why not give him what he wants?
"Maybe you're right. Yeah. You're totally right. Because I've stayed up at night to comfort the image of you in my mind when you wake up with nightmares. I've done sweeps of every motel room we've stayed in because my idealized version of you is scared Alex will have known what motel room we were going to check into and is hiding under the bed. Those are all parts of my sick fantasy of you." Jay hissed, obviously hurt and in the heat of the argument, not caring to much about just how badly his words would affect Tim. They were both lashing out, both in the wrong. Jay shook his head, hand reaching out for the doorknob. He opened the door before glancing over his shoulder to find an angry, crying, distressed Tim. "I'm going to check out and pulling the car around. Get our bags together." He let out a sigh before adding on a sickeningly sweet "Please." And slamming the door behind him as he left.
Tim was left to angrily rant to himself as he went around the motel, packing all of their belongings into two separate bags. He didn't even notice tears were streaming down his face until one of them fell down and landed on the white porcelain of the mask in his hand. He quickly gathered himself and left the room.
After shoving their bags into the backseat, Tim watched as Jay switched from the drivers side to the passengers seat. He wanted to complain, maybe playfully banter, but his mind was still too frazzled from the argument. He just sat in the driver's seat and wordlessly began their journey down the highway.
Jay hated the silence. It left him with nothing but his thoughts to keep him company. He reached for the radio again, but his hand was gently swatted at by Tim's, whose eyes still stayed glued to the road. Jay retracted his hand, setting it on his lap.
He desperately needed to break the silence. He couldn't stand it anymore. He couldn't stand the silence and he couldn't stand being mad at Tim. He wanted to be able to hold Tim's hand again. He wanted to feel Tim's strong hand rest on his leg, thumb gently rubbing up and down. He wanted to playfully annoy Tim by singing along to some rock song. Jay wanted to excitedly gasp and flap his hands when a song by his favorite band came on, and then explain the meaning behind every lyric while Tim listened and nodded. Jay knew that wasn't going to happen again unless one of them spoke up about it, and knowing Tim, he probably wouldn't speak about anything for at least another hour or two.
"Jay." Tim spoke, which almost made Jay jump. For a moment he had forgotten that Tim was even there.
"Hm?" Part of Jay expected Tim to berate him some more, and his fists clenched, making more angry red crescents in the palms of his hands.
"Your legs shaking." Jay looked down, his leg absent-mindedly moving up and down at a quickened pace. Jay placed a hand on his leg, fidgeting with the cloth of his pants.
"Oh. Sorry." Jay muttered, looking back out the window. He assumed the interaction was done by then.
"It's fine. I was just- you usually do that when you're thinking." Tim commented, doing his best to keep his eyes on the road. Jay, meanwhile, looked over to Tim, surprised that he even seemed to pick up a trait like that.
"Well, technically I'm always thinking." Jay pushed out an awkward chuckle, shrugging as he did so. He was desperate to relieve some of the tension in the air.
"You know what I mean." The joke was immediately shot down by Tim's gruff tone. Jay sighed and nodded, looking away.
Jay took a deep breath, preparing himself. "I didn't- you know i didn't mean what I said. I was just-"
"I'm sorry."
Oh.
Jay certainly didn't expect that. He had expected to be the one to apologize first, Tim following suit. Its not like he was complaining, it was a pleasant surprise. The only problem was that now the script he had in his mind would have to be scrapped, mentally crumbling up a piece of paper and throwing it into the dumpster fire of his brain.
Jay paused for a moment, unsure of what to say. He wanted to accept Tim's apology, but he also wanted for there to be a lesson learned. He didn't want this to happen again. They couldn't afford for this to happen again. They were already fighting against so much, they didn't need to fight against each other too.
Just as Jay was contemplating his response, Tim cleared his throat, speaking up again. "I don't actually think you're weak. I think you're one of the strongest people I know." Tim hummed and Jay was surprised. He knew he wasn't weak, but to be called strong by one of the bravest people Jay knew was on a whole other level. Jay couldn't help himself as a slightly proud smirk made its way to his lips.
"Well, I think you're one of the strongest people I know, too." Jay hummed in response, looking down and fidgeting with the skin around his nails, beginning to peel at the newly healed hangnails. Tim smacked at his hands again and Jay stopped. He looked out the window again, before he felt a pressure around his hand and noticed Tim wrapping his calloused hands around Jay's frailer and soft hand. Jay turned his hand over, and it seemed to almost naturally slot into Tim's their fingers intertwining in a beautiful mixture of Tim's rough skin and Jay's vanilla scented moisturized skin. "I'm sorry too, by the way."
"Don't be." Tim muttered, glancing away from the road for a second to look at the splendid collage of their intertwined hands. "I said some messed up things. You said some messed up things. We were both angry but I instigated it." He sighed, it was obvious that admitting to his faults was not something he enjoyed or relished in. But he enjoyed Jay. He enjoyed hearing him ramble, mumble, he loved hearing his voice. He loved looking over to find Jay looking at him with a dopey grin. If he wanted that back, he needed to step out of his comfort zone.
"I know you were just looking out for me. You had good intentions at first." Jay rubbed his thumb over the top of Tim's hand, caressing each freckle and scar.
"Yeah but... I went about it wrong. I'm just-" he let out another shuddering sigh, squeezing Jay's hand like it was a lifeline. Jay squeezed back, letting out a comforting hum. "I don't wanna lose you. Its selfish, I know. But I just. I want to be selfish. I can't bare to lose you, especially if its by my hands."
Jay was stunned by the confession. He knew, deep down, Tim cared about him. It was obvious. If Tim didn't care about him, he wouldn't be here. If Tim didn't care about Jay, he wouldn't stay up all those sleepless nights, holding Jay and comforting him, soothing him through his overloads and panic attacks.
"Keep being selfish." Jay spat out quickly. The statement didn't exactly make much sense, but to Jay it did. To Jay it was a confession. He didn't want to lose Tim, he didn't want Tim to lose him. If Jay was going to die, he'd want to die by Tim's side. He couldn't bare the thought of leaving Tim, although if he were honest, if he were going to die he'd much prefer it to be done by Tim's hands and not the hooded cryptid, or the tall figure, or even Alex. He'd much prefer that the last face he looked at would be the one he loved so much.
"I will." Tim agreed, and Jay let out a breath he didn't know he was holding the whole conversation. A comfortable peace settled over them. The silence was still there, but it wasn't as tense.
"Can we turn the radio on now, or are you gonna slap my hand away?" Jay muttered, half-joking and half-seriously wondering if Tim was still going to be playfully bitter. Tim chuckled and dislodged his hand from Jay's switching the radio on. Jay grieved the loss of Tim's hands, but didn't comment on it, instead opting for moving his hands up so that they sat on the dashboard, tapping along with the beat of the song. Jay was staring ahead, counting each road sign that passed by.
His attention was brought back down to his lap when he felt a pressure on his upper thigh. He looked down to find Tim's calloused hand gently gripping his leg, rubbing his thumb up and down in a manner that sent shivers down Jay's back. Jay felt his face heat up with blush, and his eyes darted over to find Tim smiling sickeningly sweet. Jay rolled his eyes at the teasing, one of his hands wandering down and tracing gentle shapes on the back of Tim's hand, trailing his nails up Tim's forearms in a way that made him squirm at the ticklish feeling.
Simple actions like these are what reminded Jay of their feelings for each other. They'd have bumps in the road. They would fight and argue, maybe shove or push each other over the edge, but in the end, they had each other. They knew they loved each other, even if they didn't say it. Even if Tim couldn't look Jay in the eyes and say 'I love you' without getting incredibly embarrassed and a bit snappy, Jay knew he loved him. He knew he loved him in the way that Tim held his hand and squeezed his thighs. He knew he loved him in the way that Tim held onto Jay's waist, fingers tracing over his skin, eyes staring at Jay like he was the most beautiful work of art Tim had ever seen.
Even though Jay had trouble articulating his feelings, even though he couldn't tell Tim exactly how he felt without awkwardly stuttering or pausing, Tim knew he loved him. Even though Jay didn't know how to express his love verbally without wanting to breakdown, Tim knew he loved him. He knew Jay loved him in the way that his big, sad eyes looked up at Tim with admiration. He knew Jay loved him in the way that Jay held onto Tim when Tim woke up screaming from a nightmare, or in the way that he noticed when Tim was beginning to panic. He knew Jay loved him in the way that he knew what kind of cigarettes Tim smoked without him having to tell Jay. And he knew Jay loved him in the way that even when Tim was an unrecognizable shell of a person, Jay still loved him and caressed him as they fell asleep.
They knew they loved eachother because no matter what, they would always be beside eachother, no matter what argument they had, no matter the harsh words they'd spit at each other in the heat of the moment, they'd come together again, fix their mistakes, and try again.