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I dropped out of college a month after my break up with Draco. He tried calling me a lot in the first week after our big argument. He called only a few times the second week. And he stopped calling after those first two weeks. I never picked up the phone. I was ignoring him as best as I could because I was trying to forget him and get over our relationship. I kept telling myself that it was the right thing to do, that I broke up with him now to avoid suffering even more in the future.
Because yes, I was still absolutely sure that I was saving myself from a big heartbreak by doing this, as if I wasn't already heartbroken at that moment.
So I tried going back to my life as it was before all of this. I went back to school, I tried doing new drawings and focusing on my art but I couldn't. I tried acting like this whole thing wasn't affecting me but the truth is, I couldn't bring myself to move on. And it should've been obvious by that time, that I had made a big mistake, but my brain was still telling me that it was the right thing.
So I kept ignoring Draco and I stopped going to my classes and I dropped out at the end of January. I went back to Windsor and I had to explain everything to Sirius and Remus. They were very worried about me and they tried to support me emotionally as well as they could. But it was clear that they were confused about why this whole situation was even happening.
I knew they kept contact with Draco through this whole thing and honestly, it made me feel a bit less like shit knowing that Draco still had them if he needed.
I went on a volunteer mission trip to Kenya with Ron at the end of February. It helped me a lot because I had a thing to focus on other than how bad I felt and I really needed that. We were volunteers at schools in Kenya for five months.
That's when I met Matt. He was one of the volunteers in our group so we spent a lot of time together. We had a lot of opportunities to get to know each other and after a few weeks, we started dating. He was this very cheerful guy, a bit older than me but not that much, he was 23 and I was soon to be 20 at that time.
He was from London and had just finished his bachelor's degree in software engineering and had decided to take a year off before starting to work. I told him I decided to take a year off because I needed it — I wasn't planning on telling him the real reason and he didn't need to know anyway — and that I was going to continue my studies at art school.
It kind of happened without me realising it but one day we kissed and then he was just always there so we started dating. I didn't tell him anything about my childhood because that's something I really don't want people to know. And he seemed like a guy who didn't have a heavy background. So deep down, I knew he wasn't going to understand me the way Draco did when I told him. So I just kept it for myself.
We were back in England at the beginning of August. I told Matt that I was spending the summer with Sirius and Remus and he told me he wanted to stay with me some days even if he had his flat in London. So he met them and they got along just fine but I could tell that they were a bit guarded regarding our relationship. They obviously didn't say anything to me but I could tell that they were keeping an eye on him for some reason.
One day, Remus told me he wanted to invite Draco over for tea since he was back home for the summer and he didn't want Draco to stay with his parents for too long. He was asking if I was okay with that and I said I was.
I hadn't seen Draco since that fateful day in December, it had been eight months and I was telling myself I could do it. I could spend one afternoon in the same house as him. I didn't even need to talk to him. And Matt would be there so everything would be fine, right?
Remus invited him over two days later. I had told Matt that a friend of mine was coming over but he didn't know that Draco had been much more than just my friend. He was excited to meet him.
The doorbell rang at 3pm and Remus went to open the door. I was sat on the couch with Matt and Sirius was in the kitchen. Draco came in and looked around the house as if he didn't think he'll ever be in here ever again.
His eyes landed on me and we both kind of froze for a second. Matt got up and walked to where Draco was standing and held his hand out to him.
"Hi nice to meet you! I'm Matt, Harry's boyfriend." Matt said with this cheerfulness that he always has.
"Hello, I'm Draco, nice to meet you too." Draco answered, shaking Matt's hand with a polite smile on his face.
He then came to where I was still sat on the couch and stopped in front of me. I got up and we stared at each other.
"Hey you" he said with this almost shy smile on his face.
"Hey" I said, mirroring his smile.
I had unconsciously reached out and put my hand on his wrist but he didn't seem to notice. I let go and he looked at me for a second more before going to the kitchen and hugging Sirius hello.
We all sat down and had tea after a while. Matt was asking a lot of questions about Draco and he answered very politely. He was being this amazing guy he always is, even in this really uncomfortable situation and it made me feel all the love I still felt for him.
I buried this feeling very deep and ignored it for the sake of my current relationship but you have to know that it never went away, this love for Draco. So in case you were wondering, no, I never stopped loving him and I probably never will but I didn't want to acknowledge it at the time. So I was convincing myself I was happy with Matt, this guy who didn't know a single thing about my past and with whom I couldn't share a whole part of me. But he was nice so we could have a happy relationship, right?
The afternoon went well. Draco and I didn't talk to each other but we kept glancing at the other and acting like we didn't catch the other glancing too. Draco seemed happy to see Remus and Sirius after so long and I was happy to see him after so long.
The afternoon came to an end and I was thinking we could do this. We could meet with our friends and be cordial with each other without needing to talk. Because we obviously needed to have a talk after those eight months but I was in denial.
He was saying goodbye to everyone and I thought that was the end of this emotionally draining afternoon but he came to me and said "Will you come outside with me for a minute?"
And I couldn't say no because we both knew we needed to talk and honestly, I didn't want him to go just yet. So I said yes and stepped outside with him. I closed the door and looked as him, waiting for him to start this conversation that was for sure going to hurt.
"So, your boyfriend, huh?"
And how the fuck are you supposed to stay strong when the love of your life tells you this and with a fucking heartbroken look in the eyes too? I couldn't.
"We met in Kenya" I said, as if it would explain anything.
"Oh. Remus told me about this volunteer mission you did. I'm glad you met someone if he makes you happy. Does he make you happy?"
And I just wanted to cry. Right then and there. I wanted to fucking bawl. Because how the fuck am I supposed to tell the literal love of my life that another guy is making me happy? Because the unsaid thing here would be 'he makes me happier than you did' and that would be a fucking lie.
But I had to say something. I had to end this conversation as fast as I could and I had to stay away from Draco because I just fucking couldn't feel this many things. I couldn't have this many emotions all at once. I just couldn't.
"Yes." I said, because I couldn't afford to say anything else.
He nodded a little, like he was doing it for himself more than for me. He looked at me in the eyes.
"You think we can meet up sometimes? With our friends and stuff? I don't want to have to avoid you. It would be very difficult since we have the same friends and, either way, I just don't feel comfortable avoiding you. I want to see you from time to time, make sure you're doing good."
"Yeah of course. I don't want you to disappear from my life. We'll probably see each other all the time with how much stuff our friends have planned for the next weeks." I said with a shy laugh and he laughed as well.
"Okay I'm happy to hear that. I'll get going then." he said and stepped closer to me.
He put his arms around my neck and hugged me very tightly. He was playing with the hair at the back of my neck and I had my arms around his waist. We stayed like that for a long time, without saying anything and I felt so safe, so happy and I was wishing for this moment to last forever.
But he let go after some time, he looked at me with this sad smile and said bye so so softly and just walked away without looking back.
I stayed on the front porch for quite some time, thinking about what had just happened and trying to collect my thoughts before going back inside.
That night, Matt and I were on the couch watching a movie before going to sleep and I wasn't really paying attention. I was thinking back about everything I had with Draco and trying to convince myself things were better now.
"You and him dated didn't you?" Matt asked about halfway through the movie.
"Yeah." I said, not having the energy left to keep this from him.
"It was kind of obvious. I saw the way you were looking at each other this afternoon and I saw that hug on the front porch too. Do I need to be wary of him?"
"I saw him for the first time in almost nine months today. We broke up in December." is the only thing I said.
I couldn't reassure him and tell him he didn't need to worry about Draco. I know it's what I should've done. It's what a good boyfriend would've done. But I was pretty shaken up by the afternoon and a bit out of it.
He didn't ask anything else after that, and I wouldn't have answered if he did anyway, so we just went back to watching the movie.
After the movie, when we were in bed, Matt sound asleep next to me, I lied down staring at the ceiling and told myself things were going to be okay.