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I spent the last eight months trying to get by. It was difficult for me to understand what had happened with Harry that day. I really didn't think I wasn't going to even see him until august. Sure it was the worst fight we'd ever had considering we hardly ever fought —we made it a key point in our relationship to always communicate with each other whatever happened— but at that time, I really didn't think it was going to lead to eight months of radio silence from him. But then he ignored my calls for two weeks straight and I decided to give him some space and when I went to see him at his dorm they told me that he wasn't a student here anymore. So I called Remus that day and cried a whole lot.
Having Sirius and Remus through all this was really comforting in a way I can't even explain. Just realising that whatever happened with Harry wasn't going to take them away from me made me feel so grateful.
Remus told me that Harry needed some time to himself, that he went to Kenya on a humanitarian mission and wasn't going to be back until august. He told me he wanted to call me to see how I was holding up with all of this but he already knew that I wasn't going to feel comfortable if he did this. So he let me call when I was ready. And it made me realise he really knew me and what I needed.
After that, I spent all my time studying. I tried to keep my mind busy so as not to think too much about Harry.
But then the year ended, finals happened and I got really good results. The dorms closed and I had to go back to Windsor. I was dreading having to stay with my parents, especially with my dad, but my mother promised he wasn't around much because of work so I wouldn't have to deal with him during summer.
I went home in july and tried not to think of all the memories I had with Harry in this city. I met with Remus a few times, he insisted that I didn't have to avoid him even if Harry and I weren't together anymore. Sirius said the same thing. So I saw them once a week.
I also got to spend time with my friends. Pansy organised little gatherings at her house since her parents went to Italy for the summer. Hermione and Theo were also there so we had fun. But I couldn't stop thinking about Harry. These were our friends. I had met them at the same time I had met Harry and I couldn't help but think of how to make things better between Harry and I.
Our friends knew we weren't together anymore but they didn't really ask questions, which I was grateful for. I could tell that they felt a bit uncomfortable when they would mention Harry in a conversation and my smile would drop just a little, showing how hurt I still was over this whole situation.
Then it was August. Ron and Harry came back from Kenya, Pansy invited them over to our next gathering and I finally had a day to look forward to. The day I was going to see Harry for the first time in eight months.
But it didn't go as planned because Remus invited me over at their house for tea and I got to see Harry, I got to give him a hug, I got to talk to him after all this time. But I also got to meet his new boyfriend.
After that, we met at Pansy's and had a fun time. We went to bars and restaurants the following weeks, making the most of our summer break. We weren't trying to avoid each other but there was a noticeable shift in our dynamic because I felt like that's what I was expected to do, with the new boyfriend and all.
It was really strange because even before we started dating, Harry and I always had this really emotionally intimate relationship. It's hard to explain but we never had to go through this awkward phase when you meet someone where you try and get to know the person. With us it was an instant thing. We clicked the first time we met and we never tried to consciously do anything. Like even when we started dating, it wasn't really a deliberate decision on either side. It just felt like how things were supposed to be, like the direction our relationship was supposed to take.
So keeping a deliberate distance from Harry was really weird for me. And I bet it was for him as well because it's just not how we did things between us.
But I was giving him space and trying to respect his decision because if he thought he was happier without me, who was I to tell him otherwise?
So yeah, you can say it, we were both being fucking stupid and needed someone to slap some sense into us.
But no one did so I let him do his thing with this new boyfriend of his and felt miserable when I was on my own.
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One day, we all met at a bar we liked and Pansy told Harry to bring Matt —the boyfriend— because she wanted to meet the guy and not just rely on stories Harry would tell us about him. So he did.
I was already at a table with Pansy and Theo when Harry arrived at the bar with Matt. They were holding hands when Harry spotted us and started walking towards us.
They said hello and sat down. Harry was seated on my left with Matt on his left. He turned to me and smiled.
"Hey you" , he said.
I smiled back, trying to not stare at his lips.
"Hey", I said back.
We kept looking at each other for just a second to long before a sound interrupted us. I looked up and Ron was there with Hermione. Now that everyone was there, we started ordering drinks and talking about this and that.
It was a pretty enjoyable evening, if we put aside the fact that the love of my life was sitting next to me holding hands with his new boyfriend.
But then it all went wrong.
To be honest I don't even know what happened. All I know is that Ron and Matt went to the bathroom and Pansy went to make sure we had paid for everything we had consumed. We were getting up and ready to leave when those two really tall, really buff guys by the bar started to argue about something. And then they started to yell at each other.
Without even thinking twice about it, I took Harry's hand in mine and pulled him to me. One thing you need to know is that Harry really can't do yelling, or fighting. He has trauma that makes it really difficult for him when people yell in front of him. And it's even worse when it's a fight.
And I know this. Of course I know this. So I had to get him out of here before things got worse.
So I pulled him to me and he came willingly, not even resisting a little. I held him just for a second, telling him he was going to be okay, before walking to the door.
And then it happened. One guy punched the other right on the nose and the other punched him right back. And Harry saw it all. I felt him freeze and then I felt a shiver go through his whole body.
I put a hand on his back and pushed him softly through the door. He needed to get the farthest away from those guys as possible.
"Hey," , I said, trying to get him to focus on me.
He was looking at the ground. I took his jaw between my fingers and slowly turned his head up. His eyes bore into mine.
"Is it really bad right now?"
I didn't need to explain what I was talking about. He knew.
"Yeah.. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I don't like what I'm feeling right now." , he said whispering.
"It's okay, you're allowed to feel scared. What happened was pretty scary. Do you feel like you're having a panic attack? I can't tell right now"
"No, you got me out in time, not a panic attack. Just trauma." he said, taking a step towards me and crowding into my space.
"What do you need?" I asked, whispering now that he stood so close to me.
"Just hold me for a second." he said before wrapping his arms around my waist and burrowing his face in my neck.
I put my arms around his neck, my hands playing with the hair at the base of his neck because I know it calms him. I could feel him breath and slowly the tension left his body and he relaxed.
A few years ago, he'd told me that it calmed him to do this because all he could smell and touch was me. That it made him feel grounded and safe. Knowing that this didn't change even with everything that had happened in the past eight months made me feel this little thing in the pit of my stomach.
A few minutes passed and he didn't let go so I didn't either. Our friends came out of the bar and spotted us standing a few meters away. Matt was looking at us —which, to be fair, was understandable, I was in a pretty intimate embrace with his boyfriend— and frowned a little in confusion.
"Does he know?" I asked, still whispering.
"Does who know what?" Harry asked back, tightening his embrace, as if he was scared that I would let go before he was ready.
"Matt. Does he know about the panic attacks? Or anything having to do with why you have those?" I clarified, still petting his hair.
"No. I don't really want to talk to him about this."
"Well, I think you'll have to tell him something because he's looking at us with a very confused face and I don't want him to think I'm cuddling his boyfriend right in front of him for no reason." I said with a bit of amusement in my voice because what the fuck? Matt must think I'm an asshole, holding his boyfriend like that and not letting go even with the look he's giving me.
Harry chuckled at that and I finally felt a sense of relief. He was going to be okay.
He slowly let go and looked up at me.
"Thanks. For taking care of me even if you would have every right not to. For knowing what I need even better than I do."
"Hey, don't mention it. I still care about you. I always will. To be honest I didn't even think. I knew I had to get you out of there as soon as I heard those guys. My brain went on autopilot." I said with a smile.
We looked at each other a little more. It felt like we were having an entire conversation with our eyes, without neither of us saying a word. And then we both nodded and made our way back to where the rest of our friends were. They didn't ask questions because even if they don't know the whole story, it's no news to them that Harry has panic attacks in certain types of situations.
However I could tell Matt was really confused and wanted to ask a lot of questions. But Hermione cut him off before he could even start. She started saying goodbye and that we should do that again soon.
So everyone followed her lead. We all said goodbye and started going on different directions to get back home.
On the way to my parents' house, I couldn't stop thinking about that look Harry and I shared just before going back to our friends.