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Tony Stark had never felt so helpless in his life. Tony had never felt so alone in his life. He sat there, on the wreckage of Titan, staring at the vast expanse of space in front of him. He didn't know how much time had passed since the battle with Thanos, but it felt like an eternity. He still couldn't quite wrap his head around what had happened.
Peter. The kid. The only one who Tony had ever allowed himself to love like a son. The one who had made him feel like maybe, just maybe, he could have a family. The last time he saw Peter was when the young hero was dying in his arms, pleading with Tony not to let him go. And in the end, Tony couldn't save him. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't save him.
Tony's hand reached up to the arc reactor on his chest, absently adjusting it. The device that used keep him alive years ago, the one he'd created in a cave in Afghanistan all those years ago. He couldn't believe it. He'd survived so much; he'd defeated so many threats to the world. But in the end, he couldn't save the one person he cared about the most.
He felt a presence behind him, and turned to see Nebula.
They sat there, on the abandoned planet, not knowing what to do. Tony's heart felt like it had been ripped out of his chest. He had lost so much already and now this. Nebula sat silently, looking at him with a neutral, calm, but unhappy expression. But Tony was not sure whether that was simply his pain and numbness unable to see anything, really register anything, but pain and a haze.
"We should leave.”
Numbly, Tony followed her.
The aftermath of the battle with Thanos had probably left the world in shambles, and his emotions in a dark, bottomless pit. Tony had never known heartbreak like this before. He had lost so many people in his life - his parents, Yinsen, his godfather Obadiah, believing he had lost Pepper - but losing Peter had shattered him in a way that he could never have imagined. He had loved that kid, protected him, mentored him, and now he was gone. It was like a part of Tony had died with him.
Within the next few days, Nebula and Tony made it onto the Milano, checked all supplies, and took what they needed from the Q-Ship before flying off home. Tony was not sure he wanted to go home. He did not see reason. Going home meant surviving. What reason was there to survive? Without Peter, everything seemed just empty and lost. He wanted to know whether Pepper was alive, but what if she wasn’t? He did not think he could do that. What if she had survived? He would owe it to her to live, too. Even through the agony of losing Peter. He did not think he could do that, either. There was a crushing hope in his empty, pain filled mind that he would not have to find out.
But Tony kept holding on. For Pepper and for the blue alien. They had been conversing in the few moments that Tony’s and her grief was not too much to function. Only this blue alien, Nebula, was what kept him going. It was weird. It was like the parental feeling Tony developed when he met Peter latched onto this alien girl, the daughter of Thanos. And Tony felt the need to protect her, love her, take care of her, and bring her to safety. It was everything that brought him through the weeks of travelling through space back home, after his pseudo son died, with no knowledge who (if anyone) he cared about was still alive.
His head kept replaying it. It had been the biggest terror of his life. He heard the kid – his kid – call out to him. He had seen everybody die, gone with a breeze, and he had felt an existential terror he had been made all too familiar with over his life. But hearing Peter, lovely, angelic, innocent Peter, call out to him in fear? That feeling, Tony could not describe. He would have given anything to stop this. He remembered that he thought “No, not him! The world would not be this cruel!” He remembered hugging the boy, holding more and more of his weight as the kid – his kid – his son – slowly disintegrated, as he saw the pain in his boy's eyes, his first and only child clinging to Tony, crying, begging. Tony had not known what to do. He just held Peter, loved him, took care of him. Did everything he could until Peter was dead. No body left to bury. Only pain in Tony, a pain he could not even explain, could not understand, a pain bigger than all pain he ever felt put together. The best thing in his life had died. Was gone forever. His grief was so intense that even the slightest thought of Peter Parker sent him spiralling down to the depths of despair. The young boy had been so pure of heart, so innocent, and he hadn’t deserved to die like that.
Tony had never felt so broken in his life. He lost the most important person he ever had: the kid. Peter might not have been his, not truly, but right now, with him dead, Tony felt like losing his son. Within one moment, everyone turned to dust around him, and Tony had held the boy as Peter died, pleading not to die. While every cell in his body ripped apart, Peter nothing more than dust. Nothing. And he wondered whether there was any sense in surviving. Why fight for life? His son was gone. What reason was there to live? To tell May her nephew would never come back?
Oh God! What if May was gone, too? Tony felt a small extra pain stab his heart at the thought. He did not think anything would have been able to reach him in his agony, but the thought that his sister in all but blood might have died as well...
Who was even left? Tony felt his body scream in torture as he thought about the possibility of anyone he loved dying. Was Rhodey, caring, loving, brotherly Rhodey, dead? What about Pepper? Would she be gone? Was there even a reason to live without Pepper now? And Happy? Was Happy gone, too?
What about any of his teammates? Tony wondered how much he would hate it if he were incapable of ever telling them how sorry he was, of ever clearing their problems. Tony did not think he was ready to forgive or even apologise even now, but the possibility to do so once he was being taken like this...
Tony felt like dead. He wanted death. He wanted this agony to end. Tony had never believed in the afterlife, but if it meant he could be with Peter, he would accept death and hope for the afterlife. Be with his child. Hug his son. Maybe his parents and uncle get to, now. Tears streamed down at the thought. This was not how Peter should be spending time with his family! Peter should be with him, here, should be on his stupid school trip, should be laughing with May and eating pizza, should be having fun! He should be a child! He should not be dead!
It was Nebula who finally broke through to him. She had been the only other survivor on Titan, and though they had initially been distrustful of each other, they had soon found solace in each other's company. She was the only person who remotely understood what he was going through, and he respected her resilience even though her background was full of hardship and tragedy. It was strange, but Tony didn't question it. For some reason, he felt a strange connection to this blue-skinned alien girl. Maybe he just needed someone to care for. A reason to live. For now. And she was there, a young woman that has been hurt by life far to often. And so, Tony kept hope and all strength up to bring her to safety.
Nobody could ever take Peter’s place in Tony’s heart, but Nebula had become an unexpected source of comfort to him during their difficult journey back to civilisation.
Tony would have never guessed that he would once share a bond with the daughter of Thanos. But then again, he would have never guessed he would have to face the destruction of half the universe, and it was the unpredictability of the universe that had left him with little choice but to cling to Nebula for support.
As they travelled through space together, Tony could feel his walls beginning to crumble. He found himself opening up to her in ways that he had never done before, and she listened to his rants without judgment.
Nebula kept him company, always nearby but never intruding. Sometimes, they would talk. Often, they would just sit in silence, staring out into the void of space. Tony found himself opening up to her more and more, telling her about his life, his fears, his regrets.
He even told her about Peter, about how the kid had wormed his way into Tony's heart in a way that no one else ever had. Nebula listened, seemingly unimpressed by his emotional outpourings. But Tony knew that she understood. She had been through enough in her life to know what it was like to lose someone you cared about.
“Peter was my son,” he said one day as they sat across from each other on the Milano, the only remnants of the Guardians of the Galaxy. “I loved him like he was my own.”
Tony found himself opening up to Nebula in ways he never thought he would. It was like she was the child he could still protect. He knew that if anyone could understand the pain he was feeling, it was her. She had been through so much. Or maybe Tony just needed to talk about him. About the pain. Nebula listened, seemingly unimpressed by his emotional outpourings. But Tony knew that she understood. She had been through enough in her life to know what it was like to lose someone you cared about. It took a while longer before she returned his openness.
Nebula nodded, her face softening. “I understand what it’s like to lose a family member.”
Tony looked at her incredulously. “You do?”
“Gamora was my sister,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “I may have hated her once, but she was still my family. And now…”
She trailed off, and Tony reached out to take her hand. It was strange, but he felt a sense of unity with Nebula that he had never felt with anyone else. They both knew what it was like to lose loved ones to Thanos.
Tony didn’t know how long they travelled through space for. Time had blurred into one long, painful stretch of agony. And the fact that he had no idea who else had survived the Snap only added to the growing sense of dread weighing heavily on his heart. Tony looked out the window of his ship while Nebula sat quietly in the co-pilot seat. They had been travelling for about two weeks, probably, since the battle on Titan had ended, and yet the silence was still deafening.
"You know," Nebula said one day, as they sat in silence on the Milano, the only thing left of the Guardians of the Galaxy. "You remind me of my father."
Tony raised an eyebrow. It did not sound like something good, rather like a deep insult, yet Nebula sounded soft and gentle. "Thanos? The purple alien grape who killed half the universe?"
Nebula nodded. "He was always so driven by his mission. So obsessed with achieving his goals, no matter the cost. But you...you're the same, in a way. You'll do anything to protect those you care about. Even if it means sacrificing yourself. It may be the opposite missions, but the way you go about it is the same. It was the one thing I admired about my father. Seeing him this sure and hardworking on this goal, you wanted to believe he was right. Looking at you, the way you protected this boy, Peter, the way you fought against my father... You have a strength and resilience that makes me believe there is still a chance. And I will fight for it."
Tony stared at her. He had never thought of himself in that way. He had always seen himself as a bit of a selfish jerk, someone who put his own needs above others. But maybe Nebula was right. Maybe there was something noble in what he had done. In what he was still doing. He was trying to protect. Maybe that is what he could live with?
It didn’t take away from the pain. But it gave him a reason to survive. Protect Nebula and bring her home. And protect everyone, including her, once he is home.
He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up to see Nebula looking at him with concern.
"You can't give up," she insisted softly. "Peter wouldn't want you to."
Tony felt a lump form in his throat. Tony wanted to. He just... "I know. But...I don't know how to be okay, Nebula. I don't know how to live with this pain. He is - was - everything to me. And he is gone now."
Nebula sighed. "I don't think there's any easy answer for that. But I do know that you have to keep going. You have people who still need you. Me, for one."
Tony looked at her in surprise. "You need me?"
Nebula nodded. "You saved my life, Tony. And I... I think I'm starting to care about you, in my own weird, messed-up way."
There was a vulnerability in her voice that Tony had never heard before, even when they talked about their lives and who they lost, and it touched something deep within him. He placed a hand over hers, squeezing gently.
"I care about you too, Nebula. And I promise I'll do everything in my power to keep you safe."
It was a promise he had made to Peter, too, and one that he intended to keep with both Peter and Nebula, even if he failed Peter. Even if it meant going to the ends of the universe to ensure Nebula's survival. With her by his side, Tony felt like maybe there was hope for him yet. Maybe he could find a way to live with the pain, to honour Peter's memory, and to keep fighting the good fight.
Together, he and Nebula set a course for Earth, their eyes fixed firmly on the horizon, their minds on to fixing the Milano.
----
The flight back to Earth was rough. Tony and Nebula were battered and exhausted. They played paper football to pass the time and took turns sleeping. But mostly, Tony worried. He had no idea what they were flying back to. Would anyone still be alive? Tony hated the breath-taking fear that cursed through him. The worry that surviving was useless.
One night, Tony taught Nebula how to play paper football. It was a silly game, but it brought them both a moment of levity in the darkness. They laughed and joked, forgetting for a moment that they were hurtling through space towards what might be their deaths.
As the days turned into weeks, Tony found himself growing more and more parental towards Nebula. He couldn't help it. She reminded him so much of Peter. Both were children of Thanos, raised to be killers. But there was something different about Nebula. She had a spark of humanity in her that Peter had always possessed. And Tony felt the need to protect her, love her, take care of her, and bring her to safety.
A series of beeps cut through the air, and Tony's blood ran cold. It was the warning signal from the life support system – they were running out of oxygen.
He looked up at Nebula, his eyes wide with panic. "What the hell are we going to do?!"
She looked calm, almost serene. "We will have to find a way to improvise."
They worked together, doing what they could to keep the ship functioning. It was a losing battle, and they both knew it. Tony's hands shook as he did his best to keep his mind focused, but no matter how hard he tried, his thoughts kept drifting to Peter's death.
Tony felt a strange bond with Nebula. In some ways, she reminded him of himself. They both had traumatic pasts, both had lived through horrific experiences. And somehow, they had both ended up here, on this desolate planet, with nothing left but each other.
"Do you think we'll make it back?" Tony asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Nebula shrugged. "I do not know. But we must try."
It was all they could do, really. There was no way to reach anyone back on Earth. The communication systems had been destroyed in the battle, and everyone they knew from their fight was dead. Tony felt a pang of guilt. He had promised Pepper that he would come back to her, but now...he wasn't so sure. It was hard enough to make himself want to.
One night, he looked at the alien girl and knew they would not make it. Oxygen was about to go out, and all nutrients have been gone already. It was just waiting for death now. He recorded a final message for Pepper and everybody he cared that might still be alive, send a prayer that Nebula gets saved, just the one girl he started to look on as his daughter, the woman he hoped Pepper would get to meet soon, and lay to sleep for the final time.
Or so he thought.
Days passed - or maybe it was hours, Tony couldn't keep track anymore - and they were still stranded. The ship was running out of oxygen, and Tony could feel himself growing weaker with every passing moment. But something has woken him: Out of nowhere, a bright light enveloped them. Tony shielded his eyes from the blinding light, before realizing that it was a human. He watched in a daze as the woman came closer, giving Tony a clear view, revealing a woman that he had never seen before. She was tall, muscular, and had a shock of blond hair, dressed in red and blue.
He was sure he hallucinated. Oxygen deprivation. It could not be real. There is no way a glowing woman was in front of the spaceship, looking at him, without any protective gear. It just could not be. Maybe he died? Maybe this was death and he would see Peter? Hope cursed through him shortly, quickly disappearing at the horror of losing Pepper, leaving her.
This surreal appearance just grabbed their ship and pulled it along, as if it was nothing. And Tony thought it must be Peter she lead him to. He would not want anything or anyone else. Though he hated that Nebula had died as well.
----
When they finally landed on Earth, Tony’s heart was pounding inside his chest. He didn't know what to expect. But when they landed, they were greeted by familiar faces. He half expected the world to be in ruins, but what he found instead was a very different kind of chaos. It was the emptiness of night, with shambles of friends scattered around. Steve, Nat, Bruce, Rhodey, all alive and well. Tony let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. They had made it. No Peter. It felt wrong to have survived, but Peter was not here.
When Steve runs up to Tony, Tony cannot stop himself from looking back at Nebula, feeling the need to go to her and protect her more than the need to see his friends and family on earth. Nebula had been the one what kept him alive. Not Steve, or anyone else here. Nebula was but a young girl, hardly an adult, who lost everybody. Getting Nebula to safety was what kept Tony from going insane when he did not even know whether Pepper or anyone else, he cared about was alive. She kept the agony from losing Peter at “unbearable” instead of “murderous agony”.
So, her being here, on earth, safe... Tony’s mind wandered to Peter, who was gone now. The kid...
“I lost the kid!”, Tony whispered, his mind unable to comprehend the grief, to let it sink in. His fiancée’s embrace did nothing to stop the pure grief overwhelming every pore in Tony’s body. Nebula was the only reason why he would not wish to have been turned to dust himself. But would she need him at all anymore? Did it matter? Did anything matter without Peter? The kid had been everything that made Tony smile for such a long time. Now, no kid. It felt like there was nothing in this world left to live for.
He had lost Peter, but he had gained something in return. He had gained a new daughter in Nebula. And he would do anything to protect her. And he wanted to introduce her to Pepper. And maybe his life could just end then, with his new daughter safely with his fiancée. He was indifferent to life. What does anything matter when every breath, every word, every step in Tony’s life is broken?