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Andrew knew he should have felt more guilt at his actions.
At any of his actions, or even better, at all of them, and he did, a little, but that guilt was nothing when compared against the pure relief he felt.
As he held his little sister, tightly wrapped around his arms, like a snake, her pale face, and her warm skin, hidden against his chest, like she was trying to crawl, and find her way deep inside, through the bones of his ribcage, and directly into his heart.
Like Ashley didn't already live there since the day she was born.
She made a muffled sound.
His eyes cracked open.
“Why are you giggling like that, you psycho?”
Andrew looked towards Ashley's direction.
They were all alone, in a crappy little motel room, it was full of dusk and spiderwebs, and the only light was a warm orange thing, that Andrew was sure was gonna give up on them, any second now.
But hey, they got it basically for free, and it had a bathroom, and curtains for the one window, so it worked, by tomorrow night, they wouldn't even be near this place anymore, so who cared either way.
Ashley rolled over her side, to face him entirely, her smile still prominent.
“The front desk bitch asked me if we are dating” Ashley hit the motel bed with her closed fist, in boredom.
“Why do you look so happy about that? Freak” Andrew didn't even try to close his eyes again. He didn't really sleep much, if Ashley didn't completely tire him out first, nowadays.
“Hasn't that happened like 12 times already?” She ran a finger down his chest “If people think you are dating your little sister so often, doesn't that mean you are the weirdo, Andrew, honey?”
“You are the one who wanted to steal that couple’s ID, not me.”
Ashley grinned, with her palm covering her mouth “Now we can say things like, oh you are like a brother to me, kiss me~”
“Who says that?” Andrew facepalmed “And don't. You are disgusting.”
“Hey” Ashley poked his side lightly “It was a good tactical move” She kicked the bed once “I'm always doing all the smart thinking for us.”
“Wait, Ashley” Andrew sat up on the bed, hurriedly grabbing his sister’s shoulders, eyes wide in amazement “You can think?!”
Ashley's eyes quickly went from worried to indignation “Jerk!”
Andrew burst out laughing.
Ashley rolled her eyes, but her annoyed look quickly went away, instead, she lightly laughed together with him “You didn't let me finish what I was getting at, Andrew.”
“Oh pray do tell, what were you getting at, Ashley?”
“We should get married!”
“That better not have been your proposal.”
“I'm doing all the hard work here, even though I am the lady, because you are a jackass who doesn't know how to commit on his own, just say yes!”
“You wanna get married in a dirty old motel room, we stole from some random couple?” Andrew sighed “Seriously, Ashley, get your head checked, buy some self-respect, or-”
“Augh!” She kicked him lightly “You little bitch! Stop overcomplicating it! Do you wanna marry me? I do, or I don't, Andrew!”
“You want me” He pointed at himself then at her “To marry you?”
“Yes, dumbass, I literally can't say it more obviously!”
“But do I want to marry you?” Andrew already knew the answer but - he caressed her face - staring directly at her bright pink eyes.
Andrew could almost see the heart pupil in them.
“AH!?” Ashley gasped in outrage, she clutched at his sweater “What do you mean what if you want to!? Who else could you possibly marry!?”
Andrew smirked.
He knew he was railing Ashley up on purpose, but in the end, she was as stuck with him, as he was with her.
She could get as outraged as she felt like.
Ashley was never going to leave him, it was an odd relief on its own.
“If you are so sure about it, why don't you let me think about it, Ashley?”
Ashley huffed out in annoyance, letting her head hit against Andrew's chest “Fine, Andrew! Think as long as you want, coward!”
Andrew chuckled, truth to be told, there wasn't much to think about here, looking at Ashley right now, wasn't really all that different from looking at her back then.
Years prior, with Leyley on her knees, all red and bruised up, from running around, and tripping on the hot cement, of right outside their apartment complex.
She had that wide grin on her, that Andy had grown so used to seeing.
Leyley placed her hands on his shoulders, as heavy as boulders sinking him into the ocean.
Andy sighed, and brought up his right hand to Leyley's back, to make sure she didn't lose equilibrium and fall.
“What do you want this time?” Andy broke the silence around them.
It was normal for him, to be in silence next to his sister, whenever their parents weren't around, more often than not, there would always arrive a moment, where Leyley and him would end up laying around, side by side, on top of their old, colorless, rug.
Usually, Leyley would break the silence first herself, but now, she was only staring at him, with her mouth open, on a tiny mocking O
“Uh? What are you talking about, Andy?” It made his eye twitch, the saccharine-like way, Leyley always said his name.
“You got that look on your eyes” He looked directly at her “You are plotting something”
“Plotting” Her eyes shone for a second, and he knew he had gotten it right. Andy knew Leyley way too well “What am I to you, Andy? An evil scheming lady?”
“Evil, and scheming. Sure” He looked her up and down “But a lady…”
Leyley gasped “Oh, screw you” And the next second, he was laying with his back against the floor.
Leyley looked triumphant and smug, as her hands held onto tighter to his shoulders. She straddled him, with one knee on each side of his hips.
“Leyley,” He said, a certain tone of warning, and expectation in his voice “What are you doing? Get off."
Andy reached out with his other hand, to throw Leyley off him, but she spoke up before he could.
“Wanna know what I had in mind?”
“No-”
“Let’s kiss!” And all at once, she allowed all her body weight to fall on top of him. It wasn't heavy, and yet, he stayed down “I should be your first kiss!” To avoid saying, she wanted him to be her first kiss.
Her only kiss.
“Are you braindead, Leyley?”
“You are Braindead, Andy!” She leaned closer, he leaned further “You are such a virgin, a beautiful damsel wants to kiss you, and you run away?”
“What beautiful damsel?”
She huffed out in frustration “Me! Me! I'm right here! Why not me!?”
“Why did you even get this idea, Leyley?” Andy made sure to keep his gaze only on Leyley's eyes, not in her lips, not in her legs, not, anywhere else.
He gulped down.
Leyley got that bored look in her eyes, with her pursed lips, that she always got when they talked about other people, she rolled her eyes.
“Those bitches are going on, and on, about their stupid boyfriends and shit, and I-! You know what!” She retracted her hands from his shoulders “Fine! If you don't wanna do it don't do it, Andy! It's always I don't wanna with you, Andy! I just find myself anothe-!”
Andy wrapped his arms tightly around her and pushed her back down in one swift movement. Leyley crashed against his chest.
Leyley smiled when she noticed how quickly Andy's heart was beating.
“Over my dead body!” He clenched his teeth, just the idea of his sister with some other random guy, was enough to get him on edge, to get him angry.
He didn't know why it had always been this way.
“Then kiss me yourself, dumbass” Leyley managed to lift her head to stare at him.
Leyley licked her lips, Andy didn't try to look away this time.
He bit his lip, they had to be smart over this, or it would be such a pain, later on “What if we get caught?”
Andy wouldn't say it out loud, but he didn't want his little sister’s first kiss to be that bad, either.
“There's nobody home, Andy” Leyley wrapped her arms around his waist “You know Mom and Dad” They both rolled their eyes, yeah they knew “They won't even be back until dawn! Kiss me right now!”
Andy swallowed bile, that tasted more metallic than it should have.
He unwrapped one hand from her waist, quietly reaching up, to move a stubborn branch of black hair off Leyley's face.
Andy didn't miss the way she trembled, as his fingers softly grasped her ear, while he accommodated her hair behind it.
Andy didn't miss the way it made him feel either.
“Is this really what you want, Leyley?”
For once, Leyley only nodded without opening up her annoying mouth.
“You better not complain later” Andy looked down at her one more time, indeed, she was still the little sister he was so intrinsically acquainted with, since her making.
It didn't throw him off at all, as he reached for her chin, softly lifted it up, and pounced at her lips.
It felt like a piece of meat being devoured by a butcher.
Leyley could feel her lips break, and the taste of metal in blood, inundating her mouth, from the corners of her eyelids, she could see her blood staining Andy's white teeth.
Leyley loved it.
She smiled and kissed Andy back.
And again, and again, and again.
Andrew stopped calling his sister ‘Leyley’ shortly after that.
Looking at her now, Andrew did wonder if this was just always meant to happen.
Andrew sighed, he spoke to Ashley “Yeah, sure. I'll get us some cheap rings later.”
And all at once, all the bitterness, and venom exuding out of his sister, disappeared into pure joy and energy.
“Yay!” Andrew couldn't help but smile as Ashley almost jumped with joy. Ashley launched herself at him, getting as close as she, could before intertwining their fingers together “Make sure to not get those cheap ones that make your fingers green, got that?”
“Got it” Without a word, he squeezed her hand, and softly, they slid further into the bed.
They laid around together, in silence for a little while, or for hours.
Honestly, underneath the light, together at night, with their stolen car parked right outside, time was an utterly meaningless construct.
There was a certain special bliss to it all.
Ashley drew circles with her dry brittle nails, almost turning pale, on the supposedly pink bits, thanks to the lack of nutrition.
Looking at the starved-out parts of Ashley, always managed to anger Andrew.
“I love youuuuu, Andreeww”
He huffed out “Sure you do, Ashley, sure you do.”
“Really!?” Ashley sunk her nails deeper into him, like she was trying to crawl away at him, wouldn't exactly be the first time either, in reality “We just got engaged and insta-married, and you still don't think I love you, Andrew?”
Andrew chuckled, pulling at her hair, until Ashley allowed herself to be dragged close enough, then he tenderly kissed her forehead “No. I do. That's mostly the issue.”
Ashley rolled her eyes, pouting lightly “Sure, whatever that means" She muttered something underneath her breath with 'Pretentious' and 'Little bitch' right after.
Andrew twirled her loose hair, around his finger, it had grown a little bit longer, he realized, between the apartment, and the runaway, and until now.
She still had those marked collarbones, and those, almost, hollow eye bags, coloured with that yellowy green, like almost-bruise, that came with starvation. Ashley was the most beautiful person Andrew had ever seen, not like anybody could waterboard that information out of him.
“You know what it means” He smirked, and she smirked back. They were partners in crime.
“Who knows Andrew better than me right?” Ashley sounded proud, but he knew, Ashley desperately needed the reassurance, at every moment of her life.
“Who, indeed?”
Ashley crawled, landing her thorax on top of his chest, then she let herself fall, like a cat “You are so unfair Andrew Grave-”
He interrupted her “Don't call me that” Andrew had always hated their last names.
He remembered they used to joke about them, cause, weren't they a little too on the nose.
Andrew liked the way Ashley's eyes widened, and her shoulders went ever so stiff, he didn't know why he liked seeing her so on edge nowadays, like she was ready to get caught doing something wrong, at every minute.
She never got this way when they shoplifted from some small store, or beat up some couple to rob their hotel room, and maybe get a quick snack out of them.
The demons they summoned didn't get Ashley to tense up like that, and hesitate her next move, thinking up about whatever she just said, but Andrew did.
It felt good, less one-sided for him.
“What did I say this time?” Ashley raised her head, placing her open palm in front of her face to hide her shallow grin “You are such a nitpicker, Andrew, no wonder nobody else in the world tolerates you. Nobody but me” Her grin widened.
Maybe ‘Graves’ wouldn't be such a bad name, if it didn't come from where it came. As it was, it was just another thing in their lives, that Andrew greatly disliked.
“We are still on the run from the police, in case your dumbass forgot” He lightly flickered Ashley with his index finger, leaving a small red mark on the middle of her forehead “If you keep calling me that, we are gonna get caught…Again.”
“You are such a scaredy cat, Andrew” Ashley's posture relaxed again, Andrew tried to hide the small grin on his own face, to focus on what she was saying “So what, we had to throw some body parts on a lake, not the end of the world, though.”
Ashley looked down, her expression focused, like she could still see the dismembered hands, and legs in front of them “Shame, it was a lot of fresh meat.”
“You are gross” Remembering the last time was, unpleasant, to say the very least.
“Hey! You are gross!” Ashley lightly punched his arm “I'm just looking out for us, food is a scarce resource, you know, Andrew, my dear.”
“You keep telling yourself that, Ashley.”
“Augh, you just have no faith, how sad” Ashley left her head fall once more, she rolled on her side, until she was lying face up, her right arm, still tangled up around her brother. Her thigh touching against his leg “And you didn't even let me finish what I wanted to say.”
“Oh please, elaborate on your thesis, Ashley” Andrew could feel, the tips of her spread-out black hair, graphing the very edges of his skin “Why am I unfair, Ashley?”
“‘Cause I always tell you I love you, Andrew” She booped his nose “But you never tell me you love me, what a terrible husband you are.”
Andrew sighed, and turned to his side, to stare Ashley directly in her eyes, stopping his eyes from wandering anywhere else “Is this really what you want, Ashley?”
They both already knew there would never be a full answer to that question, and maybe, that was why Andrew kept asking it.
Ashley was quiet for a second, before tangling both her legs on his.
“Can you give it to me, Andrew?”
And it felt so weird to say, because he was so used to hearing it, and yet, no matter how many times it happened, it felt like a brand new electric shock, every single time.
There was a part of him that was utterly convinced, if he looked outside right now, through those old, dirty, motel windows, barely covered by the curtains he and Ashley had hastily pulled, before getting on the bed, he would see the portion of the sky right on top of them, falling apart into pieces by a thunderstorm.
“...I love you, Ashley” Saying the words, felt like being stabbed through the heart.
The emotions, bleeding him out like a cow in a butcher’s shop, tender, like right after its cut up, as honest and raw, as Andrew could ever be in this life.
“I love you more, Andrew” Ashley smiled at him, with her pretty eyelashes, and her eyes closed. Like a happy child all of a sudden, but they both knew, she meant it more, than she could ever possibly say, with words.
Andrew realized he had been anticipating Leyley to call him Andy. He sneered at himself.
“I know.”
“Good.”
“Does that help you sleep?” Ashley asked him, twirling the small object the demon had given her, which she had decided to hang on the pendant on her choker.
She had the same eyes she always did, whenever she woke up from one, of her newly acquired clairvoyant dreams, that she would never fully share with him.
Ashley wanted to have, and give everything, and yet, she refused to ever relinquish whole.
It was a tug of war with no clear directions to go.
Andrew only shakily nodded “Yeah. It does, Ashley.”
“Yeah, am I not so good, and so useful?” Ashley caressed the side of his face “I told you, sleeping pills can't do it like me. Feel it. Being loved by a girl like me, every day of the week” She reached forwards, lifted his chin, and kissed him, like there was anything left of him for her to devour.
“I am the only person who truly knows you” She traced the space beneath his eyes, with her fingertips “And you are the only person who truly knows me.”
“Nobody else, Andrew” Ashley sweetly reassured him “Nobody else, but me, is ever going to love you. Nobody else, but me, is ever going to understand you.”
“Nobody else but me” Ashley whispered in his ear, before biting, hungry “You already chose me. Andrew and Ashley are going to end up buried in the same coffin, no matter what.”
Oh, so she did something new of him to consume.
He parted from her “I know” Then Andrew dug back into her lips.
Again, and again, and again.
The lightbulb on top of them flickered, making a graining fuzzy noise, then something inside it broke, and they were left in the dark.
They parted the kiss to laugh in unison.
Afterwards, his last thoughts, as his eyelids started to feel far too heavy, and his consciousness was getting way too hard to keep, were that they could always just sneak into a church, throw some rocks against the glass winow’s art, while they kissed, and get officially married that way.
Ashley would be happy with that. He was pretty sure about that, and he would be happy seeing her happy, for once.
Andrew kissed Ashley's nose, and held back the instinct to bite her skin during it, yeah, he would just let her ask for the wedding first, then take her there.
They slept.