Chapter Text
The time was currently 1:27am on a Tuesday. Stan lay wide awake in his bed perfectly still, eyes glued to the ceiling above and hands intertwined on top of his stomach. The rain outside was pelting the window harder and harder. Every time Stan’s vision got cloudy and his eyes felt heavy with sleep, a loud crack of thunder jolted him back to life.
Stan sighed and rolled over on his side, pulling the blanket over his head. Please, just let me sleep. He’d tried everything at this point. Ocean sounds, counting sheep, and every single sleeping position possible was not enough to let his mind simply shut off. He debated if he should just pop a Benadryl and call it a night, but the last time he did that, he slept through every single one of his alarms. His mom was not happy about that. After about fifteen minutes of absolutely hopeless attempts at slumber, Stan got up with a groan and turned the light on.
His eyes squealed at the sudden burst of light, and he squinted as they adjusted. He unplugged his phone from its charger to check the time. It was 1:51 now. If I go to sleep right this second, I could still get four hours and nine minutes in. He scrolled aimlessly on Twitter for a few minutes, weighing the option of just skipping school tomorrow (well… technically today). Stan came to the conclusion that this was not an option, as he had a big test in his first period class. He couldn’t miss that if he wanted any chance of graduating in June.
Stan’s biggest wake up call was the realization that graduation was quickly approaching in just six more months. He was never the greatest student in the world. Like, he was never in danger of failing or anything. He tried his best, honest. But he eventually realized that no amount of money spent on tutors or extra homework help was ever going to do any good. School just maybe wasn’t his thing. He got by and he was just fine with that. Like his father always says, “C’s get degrees.” Even so, he applied to the local community college with no backup option and no plan in mind. He was expecting to hear back from them in just a few more weeks.
Even though he was still going to pass all his classes, he still really needed to get his ass in gear with this one class. So, skipping was not on the table.
Thinking about graduation caused Stan’s mind to wander with anxiety. He didn’t want to admit it, but community college made him feel a bit like a failure. Like, everyone else had all these big dreams to get away from this town, and Stan was stuck here with absolutely no direction in his life. Hell, he hasn’t even picked a major yet. What was he going to do when all of his friends and classmates left? What if he was doomed to always stay right here in the town he grew up in, never growing or changing as a person, always just reminiscing about the days of his youth? He’d always be known as the town loser. The thought made his stomach ache, and he turned off his phone, staring at the reflection on the black screen.
He wished he was more like his friend, Kyle.
Kyle with the 4.0 GPA. Kyle with the valedictorian contender status. Kyle with the full-ride scholarships to countless prestigious schools. Kyle, who was just always so naturally smart. Kyle with the smile that lit up a room and Kyle with the laugh that could only be described as an angel getting its wings. Kyle with the curls that always tickled the top of his eyebrows. Kyle with the soft lips that–
Another boom of thunder pulled Stan right out of the thoughts he was having. Woah. Now, Stan’s stomach was aching in a different way. This wasn’t the first time he’s thought about his best friend in a not-so-best-friend way, so this feeling was becoming all too familiar. Stan might be dumb, but he’s not stupid. He knew the reason why his face got all hot and tingly when Kyle sat too close to him. He knew why his stomach was up in knots when Kyle texted him to come over. He knew why he felt like he couldn’t breathe this one time Kyle’s hand accidentally brushed his.
There was no denying it: Stan had a secret. And it wasn’t the kind of secret that you kick your feet and giggle about at the sleepover. It was the kind of secret that creates an acidic hole right in the middle of your stomach. The kind of secret that was so… wrong you couldn’t dare say it above a whisper. The kind of secret that if it ever got out, you might as well dig a hole and bury yourself six feet underground.
God, if anyone were to find out. If Kyle were to find out. The thought alone had Stan feel a throat-closing sensation, like someone was choking him. He could already imagine the scenario of Kyle being so disgusted with him and moving across the country for college, never to speak to him again.
That possibility still didn’t stop Stan from thinking about him. There was nothing wrong with thinking about Kyle, right? Maybe this was all just a phase that would subside once Kyle moves away. Then Kyle would never know, Stan would be able to put this whole situation behind him, and nobody gets hurt. These next six months were going to be just fine.
Stan was awoken a few hours later by his 6:00am alarm. Of course, now was the time when his body chose to be tired.
After giving the teacher an awkward smile when handing in the test, he returned to his seat to find there was only five minutes left in class. He also realized he was the last person who turned in the test. Great. Now everyone knew he was a dumbass. He pulled out his phone to kill some time and found that Kyle had sent him a text about ten minutes ago.
Kyle: Hey, can you skip second? Meet me out behind the school. I need you
Stan swore his heart stopped beating for a few seconds after seeing Kyle say, “I need you.” He stared at those last three words so intensely, he could burn a hole through his screen. He yearned for Kyle to say those words to him in a different context, but that thought left his mind when he reminded himself that there’s a better chance of dinosaurs coming back to life and ending all of humanity.
The answer, truthfully, was no, Stan could not skip second period. The topics they were covering were surely going to be on an upcoming test. But for Kyle, Stan would do just about anything he asked. He’ll just get the notes from somebody else.
Stan: for sure. see u there
He was such a sucker.
Stan snuck around the back of the school to their secluded spot behind some trees. There sat an old, wooden picnic table that you could barely even touch without getting a splinter. Stan and Kyle had spent some class periods out here, just hanging out or talking when they needed a break from everything in the middle of the day. They didn’t make it a habit, of course. But for Kyle to be the one to suggest skipping class, it must be very important.
When Stan got there, Kyle was pacing back and forth, staring down at his phone. He was so focused, he jumped out of his skin when he saw Stan approaching him, nearly dropping his phone in a puddle of slush. After the initial shock of seeing the dark haired boy, a smile spread across Kyle’s face, which made Stan’s face start to burn.
“Hey, dude,” Stan was able to muster out. “What’s going on?”
“It’s out,” Kyle said breathlessly. “UC Berkeley sent out their acceptance emails this morning. I couldn’t open it without you here.”
Holy shit. While Stan had always been a bit jealous of the brainiac, he couldn’t help but feel excitement for his best friend. He’s been talking about going to UC Berkeley since seventh grade.
“Dude, what are you waiting for?! Open it!” Stan urged.
Kyle took a seat at the table with Stan following suit next to him. With a shaky hand, Kyle refreshed his email app, and there it was. A new message from UC Berkeley. Kyle stared at it for a few seconds before turning to his best friend.
“I’m nervous,” he said. “What if I didn’t get in?”
“You got in, don’t worry. And if they reject you, I’ll go to California personally and fight the admissions office just for you.”
“Thanks, dude,” Kyle relaxed. He took a deep breath before clicking on the email and reading its contents. There was no reaction for about ten seconds, and his face was unreadable. Stan’s stomach twisted, expecting to hear the worst. He knew Kyle would be absolutely crushed if he got rejected.
“What’s it say, dude?” Stan asked softly.
Kyle looked up into Stan’s eyes. “I got in.” He said flatly, almost like he couldn’t believe it. He read the email again. Ten more seconds passed. “I got in!” he said again a bit more excitedly. He jumped up from his seat and read the email again. “Oh my God, I got in!” His smile was covering his entire face now. It was finally setting in.
“Dude, let me see!” Stan got up from his seat as well, so they both were standing. Kyle proudly shoved the phone in his face. His hands were shaking too much for Stan to read, but he could vaguely make out a “Congratulations!” in the first line. “Oh my God, you got in!” Stan repeated, matching Kyle’s excitement.
Kyle looked like he could hardly contain himself, and before Stan knew it, Kyle flung himself onto him. He was like a magnet that was flying onto him, like he couldn’t resist. Kyle wrapped his arms around Stan’s shoulders, squeezing tightly. Stan let himself get lost in the hug, wrapping his arms around Kyle’s back. He could smell a sweet aroma coming from Kyle’s body. Shampoo? Cologne? Whatever it was, it was driving Stan crazy. He hoped Kyle didn’t notice that he took a big inhale as they hugged. Is it possible to want to inject a smell into your bloodstream?
“I’m so proud of you,” Stan said, partly muffled by Kyle’s shoulder.
To Stan’s disappointment, Kyle pulled away. “Thank you for being here,” he smiled, hands placed on the other boy’s shoulders.
“Oh, yeah, of course, dude,” Stan nodded. What are friends for? Stan looked into the other boy’s eyes, admiring his friend. He didn’t know how it was possible for someone to be so smart and so beautiful at the same time, and not even realize it. In the heat of the moment, Stan got a little too carried away and let his eyes dart down to Kyle’s lips. Just for a split second.
Fuck. I hope he didn’t notice that.
Kyle, lost in his excitement, did not take much notice. He took a step back and looked down at his phone again, reading the email. Stan’s face was red with the mental image of Kyle’s lips still in his head. He was praying to any God in existence that Kyle wasn’t secretly a mindreader, or else he’d have a lot of awkward explaining to do.
“We need to celebrate,” Stan blurted out the suggestion, attempting to shift the gears in his brain. “Wanna go down to the arcade after school?”
Kyle looked up, face brightening. “Yeah! That’d be fun! Thanks, dude.”
Stan felt his heart beat faster again. He couldn’t think of a better way to spend an afternoon than with Kyle.
“I’ll be right back. I need to call my parents and tell them the news,” Kyle read the email once again and smiled.
“Yeah, for sure,” he replied as the red haired boy started heading inside the school. Once Kyle disappeared behind the doors, Stan put his still-red face in his hands. The feeling was all so overwhelming. Kyle was just so… beautiful. So intelligent. So kind. Literally perfect in every single way. And now he’s California bound. “I love you so much,” he said out loud, putting the statement out into the universe. After processing what he just said, he became even more frustrated. He was so in love, and yet, couldn’t do anything about it or talk about it with anyone. These next six months were going to be so much harder than he thought.
Stan took his usual spot next to Kyle at the lunch table. Kyle had already texted the group chat that he had big news to share. It was so cute how excited and passionate he was. Once everyone took their seats, Butters was the first one to bring up the message.
“So, what was that text all about? It sounds like you had somethin’ real cool to say!” You could always count on Butters to be the most supportive person in the world.
“Oh my God, you finally got laid?” Kenny chimed in, eyes wide. You could always count on Kenny to be… Kenny.
Stan choked on his water. Kyle narrowed his eyes at that comment. “That’s not the big news.”
“Are you sure?” Kenny squinted at him. “The way you were smiling. Only a man who got laid last night smiles like that.”
“Oh, Jesus Christ, Kenny!” Kyle yelled, annoyed, before sliding his phone in his direction.
Kenny, Cartman, and Butters huddled up, reading the acceptance email.
“Wow! That’s great, Kyle! We all knew you could do it!” Butters said excitedly. Butters had already decided on going to CU Denver, which the whole group was happy about when they heard. It was about time that he got away from his parents and learned what life really had to offer.
“No shit you were going to get in. You’ve been accepted into, what, every college in the country by now?” Kenny said, showing his support in his own, unique way. Kenny knew college was out of the question for him a long time ago, but he wasn’t doing too bad picking up some odd jobs around town. His most successful endeavor, however, was the work he did on cars. He no doubt had a future somewhere in that field. As awful as it sounds, Stan found some comfort knowing that Kenny, too, would still be around once everyone else leaves.
“That’s it?” Cartman sneered. “I recall you saying in the group chat that you had big news for us. I was expecting something super cool.” And then there was Cartman. He never kept his mouth shut about anything, but when it came to his plans after high school, he was silent. No one really cared enough to know, anyway, so they left it alone. But it was definitely strange. In all honesty, Stan was praying that he would move far, far away after high school. If he was stuck with Cartman for another few years, all alone, he might actually drown himself before he gets his associate’s degree.
“And getting into UC Berkeley isn’t super cool?” Kyle rolled his eyes, used to this kind of reaction by now.
“No, no, I mean, it is cool. Just, next time you tell us you got accepted into a college, make sure it’s not one in California. California is nothing but hippies with their hybrid cars.”
Kenny elbowed Cartman in response to this. “We’re all happy for you, wherever you go. Just don’t forget about us once you’re rich and famous. And maybe let us stay at your mansion once in a while.”
“How could I ever forget about this asshole?” Kyle motioned toward Cartman, who put his hands up defensively. “Hang on, I see Tolkien over there. I need to tell him, too!” He stood up from his chair and made his way over to the other side of the cafeteria. The other boys left at the table resumed eating their lunch. Butters and Kenny turned to each other, having their own side conversation, leaving Cartman and Stan in an awkward silence.
“Stan, you’ve been quiet,” Cartman teased, a shit-eating smirk on his face.
“Oh, yeah. Kyle already told me earlier today. He actually opened the email with me,” the other boy explained.
Cartman scoffed. “Of course he’d want his boyfriend there to open it with him. Is it even possible for you guys to do anything alone anymore? It’s concerning, Stan.”
Stan just kept eating, not giving Cartman the satisfaction of a response. Even though Cartman wasn’t too far off and Stan was harboring a big secret, he’s gotten accustomed to these kinds of taunts from Cartman. As long as his face or body didn’t give anything away, that’s all they’d ever be: just taunts.
Cartman, catching onto Stan ignoring him, decided to egg him on just a bit further. “Oh, come on Stan. You must be just a little upset. Kahl’s off to California actually doing something with his life and you’re going to be stuck here, probably forever.”
It wasn’t working. Tough talk for a guy who had plans after high school that were completely ambiguous. Stan didn’t even give his eyes the energy to look at him.
“It’s okay to admit, Stan. I mean, I’d be pretty bummed out too if the person I was in love with was moving thousands of miles away.”
That sparked something in Stan. “I’m not in love with Kyle. I’m happy for him.” he said flatly, finally looking up at the boy’s punchable face. In hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have said anything at all and just kept ignoring him.
“You’re not? Jesus, might wanna tell that to the entire school because you sure don’t act like it, Stan.”
“What are you even talking about?”
Cartman raised his eyebrows. “I’m talking about how the entire school knows you’re in love with Kahl!”
Wait, what? “The entire school thinks that? Really?” He was trying so hard to not let the fear in his voice show, but his tone wavered just a bit. He felt his chest tighten. There’s no way the entire school thinks that, right? Cartman’s just fucking with him… right?
“Not just thinks, Stan, I said knows. I mean, come on, it’s so obvious. We were just talking about it the other day with Craig and those guys, right Keeny?”
“Dude, shut up,” Kenny chimed in, overhearing the tail end of their conversation. His tone, for the first time today, was stern.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Stan. We’re all just more worried about what you’re going to do without him. I bet Clyde ten bucks that you homos are going to be dating by summer and your gay ass is gonna follow him all the way to whatever liberal state he goes to.”
Stan’s entire body was tense. He unclenched his teeth to get out, “You’re placing bets on me now?”
“Don’t fuck this up for me, Stan! I’m not playing around about my ten bucks!”
Stan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. So, not only was his dark secret completely fucking obvious to everyone at the school, but they were now placing bets on if him and Kyle were going to date and what Stan would do afterwards. His eyes darted around the room. Can everybody see right through me? His stomach was in complete knots as he sifted through the jury of his peers, then stared down at his half-eaten lunch.
It was then that Kyle returned to the lunch table, still beaming about his great news. Stan felt so sick, he couldn’t even fully appreciate how stunning his smile was. And Kyle was so in his own head, he didn’t fully notice that his best friend looked like he was about to pass out.
“What’d I miss?” Kyle said cheerfully.
Then, as if Stan’s thoughts couldn’t get any worse, they got worse. The most horrible thought his mind had ever conjured up emerged in his head. Does Kyle know? If the whole school is already placing bets on the two of them, then surely Kyle must not be completely oblivious. God, of course Kyle would be way too nice to say anything to him about it. That’s just the type of person he is. Or… maybe he doesn’t know. But, oh God, he’s going to find out eventually. He had to. If this news was making its rounds around the school, it was going to get to Kyle one way or another if it hasn’t already. Kyle wouldn’t be dumb enough to believe it though, right? Then again, is Stan even doing a good job at hiding his feelings? He thought about just earlier that day when he blatantly stared at his best friend’s pink lips. Fuck, Kyle definitely had to have noticed that. Maybe Kyle’s just so disgusted with Stan’s feelings, he’s just ignoring them. Then, he’ll move away and never have to talk to or see Stan ever again. Stan’s stomach churned again, feeling like the entire room was staring at him and thinking the same exact thing. He abruptly stood up from the table. “I’ll, uh, berightback.” His entire appetite destroyed, he threw the rest of his lunch out in the trash can and rushed into the hallway outside the cafeteria.
The doors leading to the hallway felt like the heaviest things on the planet. Once inside the empty hallway, he let his body go limp, using one hand to support himself against the wall. He used his other hand to clutch his stomach. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t sure if he was going to throw up or if he was having an anxiety attack, but he did not enjoy this feeling at all. He didn’t realize he had started crying until a few tears rolled into his open mouth.
It was one thing to think about Kyle alone in the confines of his bedroom. It was one thing to have dreams about him that had Stan jolting awake with a coat of sweat. But it’d be a whole different thing if Kyle were to ever find out about it.
It quickly occurred to him that Kyle may very well be running after him. He could not see him like this. How would he even explain what happened? Stan used what little strength he had in his legs to carry him further down the hall, around the corner, and out of sight, tears still falling slowly.
He erupted through the doors of the library and quickly made his way in between two bookcases. The library was usually pretty empty during lunch; about a handful of students were studying at the tables. Nobody that Stan knew, thank God. He just needed a few minutes to calm down. He sat on the floor, drying his face with his sleeves, and practiced deep breathing, just like this one therapist taught him once. Once his breathing was back to normal and his chest didn’t feel like it was going to explode, he pulled out his phone, already drafting an apology text to Kyle in his head. Upon opening his phone, he found that Kyle had already messaged him three times.
Kyle: Are you okay?
Kyle: Where’d you go?
Kyle: I’m here if you need anything
God, why did Kyle have to be the nicest guy in the entire world? He’d probably have the best advice for Stan about this situation. If he did know about the secret, he’d be so kind that he’d spare Stan the last of his dignity and act clueless. He stowed his phone away in his pocket, slowly rising to his feet. He was about to leave the library when he noticed a head of straight, black hair with a lavender bow. That was enough to know that it was Wendy Testaburger. She was perusing the romance books, occasionally taking one off the shelf to read the synopsis before putting it back.
There was a time when Stan thought he was in love with her. It wasn’t until around middle school that he realized he was only chasing after her because that’s what he thought he should be doing. Still, you didn’t need to be a straight man to know she was pretty. She had great style and was incredibly smart, plus, she was in, like, every club that the school had to offer. She might be Kyle’s only competition for valedictorian. It was a bit surprising that Wendy never had a boyfriend all throughout high school, even though plenty of guys liked her. Maybe she was like Kyle and was just way too busy to think about that sort of stuff.
Wait. Maybe she was like Kyle. If Stan couldn’t have Kyle… maybe, he could have the next best thing. A girl version of Kyle. It would shut down all of those rumors and bets people were making regarding Stan’s sexuality. It was crazy. It was perfect. It just might work.
Before approaching her, Stan pulled out his phone to send a quick text to Kyle.
Stan: hey, sorry for running off like that. i think i ate something bad, im not feeling that well. raincheck on the arcade?
There was a response almost immediately.
Kyle: No problem. Feel better soon :)
Butterflies erupted in Stan’s chest. He loved those stupid smiley faces that Kyle used sometimes. He quickly snapped out of it. He had a mission at hand. Before he could give this plan a second thought, his feet were carrying himself over to Wendy.
Stan was sure this was the best and worst idea he’s ever had.