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Final reports of the operations carried out by UNCLE’s Enforcement Agents are very valuable records used for future intelligence purposes, training new agents, and as proof of UNCLE’s effectiveness when budget appropriations are being considered.
Mr. Alexander Waverly, head of UNCLE Northwest, is the person to whom these reports from the New York headquarters are submitted. On this Friday, he is reviewing the final report on the operation he had labeled the “No Laughing Matter Affair”. The original reports from Intelligence indicated that Thrush was developing a machine that could cause laughing spasms that would be so severe and prolonged as to be fatal. He had dispatched his best team of Section II agents to locate and destroy the machine and to capture or, if necessary, neutralize the inventor.
His agents had successfully completed the mission and returned in good health on Monday, May 15th. He was hoping to receive a report like this on Tuesday:
“No Laughing Matter Affair – Final Report
Agent N. Solo Badge #11 interfaced with known Thrush operative Angelique La Chienne (see new addition to file on Thrush personnel La Chienne, Angelique for additional information on methods of suborning information from above) and induced her to give away the location of the laboratory where Dr. Jacob’s fatal laughter-inducing machine was being developed.
At the laboratory, agents met with slight resistance from Thrush guards but overcame them with no injuries to themselves. Agent I. Kuryakin Badge #2 set explosives (see R&D Note 782-Ex-85 regarding issues with new Ex-85 timers) which reduced the building to rubble and both agents verified that the fatal laughter-inducing machine was totally destroyed. The Thrush scientist who invented the machine, Jacob Smithers, was killed in the explosion and his remains positively identified by UNCLE Medical Examiner Mallard. (See Autopsy Report on Thrush scientist Jacob Smithers filed by D. Mallard this date). Thrush operative La Chienne was permitted to escape in view of her potential future use as a source of information.
Submitted by Napoleon A. Solo Section II #11 and Illya Nickovich Kuryakin Section II #2 on May 16, 1967"
Unfortunately, one doesn’t always get what one hopes for, so these are the two reports that finally drifted across Mr. Waverly’s desk on Friday:
“The Giggling Affair – Successful conclusion again!
I seduced sexy blonde Thrush babe Angelique with a romantic dinner in the 5-star hotel room I rented which was totally worth the $500 cost on my expense account. After making her pliable with my patented Solo Charm and Sex-Appeal, she gave me the dope on where the giggling thing was.
When we got there. we ran into a whole bunch of Thrush baddies who tore my brand-new suit which will cost $300 to replace. We beat them up good and got to the lab where the thing-a-ma-bob was. Illya insisted on being to one to set the explosive charges again because he gets off on blowing things up, probably because he doesn't have any sex life. The explosion went off too soon giving him a boo-boo on his head, which he claims was a concussion, but he always makes a fuss, the big baby. Anyway we blew everything to Kingdom Come and were successful as always.
Submitted by Napoleon, UNCLE’s Top Enforcement Agent [Note to typist: put in a date that makes it look like this is on time, okay, beautiful?]
P.S. I’m rescheduling the 9:00 AM Section II meeting on Monday to 2:00 PM because I have five hot dates lined up this weekend and will be sleeping late on Monday.”
“The This Was Not Funny Affair – Final Report
Napoleon decided to take a short cut involving romancing that viper Angelique instead of doing serious reconnaissance, but after spending an exorbitant amount of money on capitalist decadence and probably getting an STD, he finally got the location of the laboratory. Napoleon then let Angelique get away because he was drunk from all the champagne he swilled, and it is lucky I was listening to the whole disgusting encounter because he would have forgotten the location by the time he woke up.
The traitorous trishchaty must have tipped Thrush off to our plan, because there were several holovorizy waiting for us. We fought them off with Napoleon only tripping over his own feet once, although I got a nasty cut on my little finger. I then took charge and efficiently destroyed the building using 45,359.237 grams of C-4, 25 sticks of dynamite, and the new blasting caps which are faulty because they went off too soon, causing me to get a horrible concussion and a lot of cement dust in my hair. I will be having words with R&D about that. However, there was a really satisfying explosion that reduced everything to rubble including the mad scientist and his silly machine.
The $15 expense for hair products including Johnson’s Baby Shampoo, a six-pack of beer, and 4 fresh lemons was necessary to return my hair to its normal silky golden glory after the dust from the explosion.
Submitted by Napoleon’s underpaid minder, I. N. Kuryakin, Ph.D. on 19/5/67.”
Finished reading the reports, Mr. Waverly slowly fills his pipe with Isle of Dogs No. 22 and calls his administrative assistant for aspirin and tea.