Work Text:
CHAT (Link (Hot wolfboy Link)(A), Lixbox (Queen Elizabeth the 2nd) (O), Chlorb (Kermit but funny and cool)(B), Moony (Vergil but not a meaniehead, has demon cock or sumn) (A), Ben (Shaggy IRL) (B), Cobalt (Rich, built like a chad, based af)(A), Claude (Tuna-crab-fox-hybrid with deadpan face) (O)) X Vanegood (Dante but built twink-ish) (B with O tendencies)
Vanegood always doubted love, claiming that he’d never find a girlfriend or a wife, but perhaps he wasn’t ever looking in the right places. The Beta male had a quirky group of people he saw everyday at his workplace, starting with the actual clone of the Queen of England, Miss Lix. She was a feisty and talkative old woman, fitting of a very independent omega. Growing up as a potential replacement for the queen in a time of political assassinations meant she had to be ready for anything, and that she was. Miss Lix was certainly always ready for when Chlorb, a tiny walking frog beta, and Moony, a tall and intimidating alpha, came into her office to gossip about hot men on Twitter and YouTube.
It was the trios’ favorite office-space passtime, laughing it up over a cup of tea and a folder of huge man boobs. Vanegood found himself listening in on their conversations sometimes, finding it a bit strange how loudly Chlorb would proclaim her love for… catboys?!?! Oh goodness, he already regrets listening to this conversation today… Oh! But there goes Link, the handsome and practically glistening golden wolf-man alpha, helping the recent new hire Claude, a petite crab-human-fox-creature omega, move into his cubicle. Those two spoke of all sorts of nonsense, Vanegood could hear them debate the ethics of playing a flute to murder children from here. Admittedly, he chuckled about before bursting into obnoxious laughter, that shit was too fucking funny. Almost as funny as pickle rick, for sure.
“Woah, are you okay, babe?” Cobalt, another coworker of Vane’s, patted his shoulder firmly, the giga chad alpha in him shining through the confident grin he had on his face. “Erm, yeah, I’m perfectly fine- I’m so fine right now!!” Vane exclaimed to the insanely rich alpha currently fanning himself with a fat stack of cash. “Alright, if you say so, Vane… By the way, we were all planning on head to dinner tonight, my treat of course, you coming, babe?” Cobalt asked with a smug wink, staring right into Vane’s eyes before he could cover his face up from embarrassment with his hat. “No no! I-I’m fine, I can pay for my own meal… but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go.” Vane weighed the offer in his head before a tired voice chirped in. “Like, zoinks Vane! You should totally come with! It wouldn’t be the same without you, like, babe!” Ben approached with that goofy ahh grin of his. Ben, the slouching and goofy beta, smells like weed and chocolate, not because of his natural scent, but because he ate all the weed brownies Chlorb brought for the office today. “Well, if you really want me there, then I guess I can’t refuse!!” Vane gave a hearty laugh as the two of them laughed as well, exchanging further details of the restaurant before clocking back into their shifts.
Vanegood looked forward to this, after all, it’s not often that his coworkers invited him out to stuff, so this is all new and exciting for the beta. Finally, the office was closing and he clocked out, following his coworkers as they all walked to the limousine Cobalt bought just for this one car ride. Vane was squished in between Link and Claude when the latter began to interrogate him. “Hey, Mr. Vanegood! What do you think of cereal?” The femboy omega asked with a face that could only express hatred and dread despite the cheery voice he spoke with. “Cereal? DUDE I FUCKING LOVE CEREAL!!!!” Vane yelled out, pumping up his fists with dramatic flare as he began to pop off about Waffle Crisps and other cereals. Link interjected with a cough, breaking the red-cap clad beta’s heartfelt speech on cereal. “Okay, that’s cool and all, but what about the perfect landlord? What does he look like?” His eyebrows wiggled with interest as Claude nodded in approval of the question. “Yes, Mr. Vanegood!! What is the ideal landlord?” “Erm… well… Hold on, let me get out Microsoft paint…” Vane somehow manifested a laptop and connected it to the limousine’s hotspot, beginning to doodle over a photo of a clearly gregnant man opening a fridge.
“See this? These are his premium basket shorts, they allow for the most ergonomic and efficient use of his statuesque calves needed for chasing down lousy tenants. And that blubber? It’s actually where he stores bad tenants, and he vores them into his gullet like Kirby does. He lives off of Bud Light and gaslighting his tenants into giving him more money in the form of useless tips! Isn’t he so fucking cool?!” The two men on either side of him just stare in pure awe and cringe before they teleport and leave, abandoning Vanegood for his shitty hot take.
The beta is left dejected, not sure of what he did wrong before Moony breaks in through the sunroof. “Babe!! Give the mic a kiss, pleeeeaaaaaase?” Moony held 50 different mics connected to their surround sound stereo system with a very determined face. He, as the alpha man in the room, wanted to hear the submissive omega-like beta buckled into the limousine seat kiss each and every mic… and he did. Vanegood practically made out with the microphones and Moony watched in homosexual shock. “Holy crap babe… you did it… you really did it, huh?” the alpha began to laugh, finding the sight to be hilarious till he straightened up again. “That was sus as hell… do it again later, when it’s just me and you in a Discord call, okay babe? You’re my Discord kitten now. Alright, I’m outta here.” Before Vane could even accept or deny the offers, Moony used his Judgment Nut End with a katana he stole from the local Walmart last Friday and cut a new exit for him to run out of. “Wow… that was so… so based…” A tear fell from Vane’s eye as the limousine parked.
As he exited the car, Vanegood felt the sudden urge to bully his coworkers, the need to start his villain arc was so real. Suddenly, he heard Chlorb approach him, and they passed him $1.99 with a little croak. “Please promise me you’ll be nice to everyone today, babe.” At the sight of money, the demons left Vane’s souls and he became a soul of pure heart. “Of course, I’ll be nice for as long as you’d like since you paid me.” He stated, a wave of ethereal and respectful power taking over him as he floated horizontally behind his remaining coworkers. Chlorb let out an inspiring sigh, like an anime teacher watching their shittiest student evolve to be greater than them. With an emotional piano coming out of nowhere to add a soundtrack to this heartfelt moment, Chlorb was dragged into hell by a random pentagram forming underneath them, saluting their fellow beta love of their life with a croak.
Lix, Ben, and Cobalt were in the restaurant waiting for Vane, when Cobalt excused himself to use the bathroom. He apparently guzzled down 69 orders of steak and eggs because he wanted to flex his money and was about to have the frothiest diarrhea in the universe, breaking the small business’s bathroom and stock on steak and eggs. “Like geez man, what’s gotten into him!” Ben complained, throating a whole submarine sandwich-glizzy-thing as Lix sipped tea. “Oh dear, can’t you see he’s dying? He’s just like me… for real.” “Erm what?” Vane walked in to see her soul leave the hollow old rotting shell that looked just like Queen Elizabeth the 2nd as Ben continued to be a throat goat glizzy eater till he choked and ascended into his Saiyan form, abandoning the place to go solo Goku on the sun. “Vanegood, my boy… my entire estate in England goes to you… it’s yours forever…” Lix said as she floated to heaven and Vanegood began sobbing. “NOOOOOOO DON’T GOOOOOOO… Anyways guys, I’m gonna boot up DOOM.” He manifested a washing machine and somehow got DOOM to play. They say the beta is still gayming to this day, mourning the loss of his coworkers… and potential lovers he lost that fateful day…
The end I guess idfk-