Work Text:
It has been happening often this past week where she wakes up half an hour before her alarm is supposed to wake her up, but what's the point of doing something you thought you like and now you can't leave it?
So, as she stared at her white ceiling and the sun started to light up her bedroom, the autopilot took control of the now six months Professor Rollins.
Fridays were her busiest day but despite that, her morning routine wasn't complicated. It was boredness that made it so plain that by the time she reacted to what she was actually doing, her toast almost burned.
"Damn it!" and she sighed.
Frannie looked up at her with her big worried eyes.
"Don't worry girl, Mom is just a little bit distracted lately".
She wasn't lying to Frannie, but she knew very much she was lying to herself. She didn't want to deal with it, but sooner or later it would catch up to her. And even though she was good at field and track back in high school, this wasn't something you wanted to keep running from.
Amanda said bye to Frannie and got to her car. Her girls were with her mom that weekend so she got the house for herself, which was a good and a bad thing.
While she was driving to Fordham, the usual forty five minute route, her mind liked to play games and now one person and one thing only was all she could think of.
The person was Olivia Benson.
The situation was her feelings for her.
It was truly fair that the last time they saw each other Olivia was truly happy that Amanda followed her dreams and wanted to try other environments, but what stuck with her was Olivia's initial reaction to her news.
When Carisi offered her the job ' bless his heart' now she thinks, after getting shot it seemed like a good alternative to get away from a place that could make her lose her daughters and her life.
And then, without thinking of anything else she said yes.
Then she left Olivia back in that motel, after having one of their most heart to heart conversations. She still remembers how the tears rolled down her face the entire drive back to her house.
'She's just scared, I know she's happy for me'. Amanda kept saying to herself to try to get some sleep that night.
The hug at her office the next day is, she could say, one of her favorites after the one when she got promoted. That hug made her whole again and gave her the hope she needed to start something new.
But the happiness didn't last long enough, at least on Amanda's side, maybe because neither of them kept the implicit promise that was made that day.
**
Communicating is easy nowadays, you would say. Even if you are far away, texts still can be sent, calls can be made and you can answer them when you are available.
But the hard part is convincing yourself to send it, to call first or to answer it even though you know you want to but you decide to ignore it.
Amanda spent the whole morning with some lecture she already knew. Nothing exciting, even less when the students slept right in front of her, but she learned to not see them.
'I should text her. I have to do it'. It kept running through her mind as she said the lecture once again.
For lunch, she decided to eat at her office. It was one of her favorite moments of the busiest day because of the silence around her. With the phone in her hand, Amanda didn't know what was holding her back from sending something to Olivia but deep down she was hoping the captain felt the same about her.
**
"Fin, what do we have?"
Olivia checked her phone once again. She had been doing that constantly for the last hour and Fin noticed.
Nothing.
"We still don't know the motive, but TARU managed to find the computer". Fin knew Olivia wasn't paying attention. "Liv, everything ok? You've been checking your phone a lot. Is Noah ok?"
Olivia sighed. Normally, Amanda would be the one to ask her if she's ok. But she wasn't there anymore and a text just doesn't do it.
"Noah is ok. It is actually someone else".
"When was the last time you talked to her?" Fin was a very good detective, as Olivia already knew.
"Last week. But our conversations aren't the same and I don't know why".
Fin let her talk.
"You know when you graduate college or go to another job and part ways with your group of friends and everyone goes and starts a new life somewhere else? And as time goes by you feel you don't fit in their lives anymore? That's how I have been feeling since she left us".
'Since she left me or both of us left each other, I mean'.
It was good to finally say it outloud.
"My only advice is you two know each other very well. And you wouldn't let distance stand in your way, you both fight for what you want against anything and anyone".
Fin was right. Somehow Olivia let her sadness cloud her mind, thinking that they couldn't have a healthy long distance relationship when both of them have been through worse.
'Maybe I still have a chance with her'.
Olivia smiled.
"Fin, keep working with the computer you found. I need to go somewhere".
"On it". He didn't care, he knew exactly where she was going.
**
Olivia had never been to Fordham before.
It was nice. That chilling vibe of college and people always busy she never got to notice because work never let her.
But since she wasn't there for work, Olivia decided to just walk around the hallways, noticing the classrooms and the students who ran from one class to another or were just resting around.
She knew she was in the right building when she read some forensic themed ads on the walls. So she asked some students if they knew where Professor Rollins was. It was weird not to use her badge to get some information from people.
The students pointed her to the class down the hall and that's when she saw her .
She couldn't believe her eyes as Amanda paced back and forth in front of the auditorium owing it, as she always did everywhere she went.
'She still can't keep her hands to herself'. Olivia thought as she remembered how Amanda loved to unconsciously move her hands while she talked about something that excited her.
The brunette found herself smiling at a passionate Amanda, talking about some Alamut theory to a mixed class of sleepy and alert students.
The captain leaned against the door, being careful that Amanda didn't see her yet. And that's when she knew.
She knew why she reacted so icy that night Amanda told her about this job, why it had been so hard for her to reach out to the detective these past few days, hell even months if she wanted to be honest with herself.
It was because Olivia couldn't imagine a life without the woman who was right there, the one that got away.
But not anymore. And now that it was clear on her side, she needed to talk face to face to set things clear.
**
After 30 minutes, Olivia finally saw students coming out of Amanda's lecture. She sat down on a bench near the door because it would be too creepy if Amanda saw her in the middle of the class.
Finally, as she expected, the blonde was the last one to come out, followed by one student who was very into the answer to her question.
Amanda looked at her watch.
"Sorry, Lauren. I would like to continue but I really need to go now".
"Don't worry professor. See you next time".
As Lauren walked away, Amanda turned around to go to her office when she noticed a pair of brown eyes looking at her from a few meters away.
She froze right as she tried to move forward. 'This isn't real. This is a dream'.
"Hey".
'Olivia and her damned smile'.
"Well, this is a surprise". She managed to find her words as Olivia closed the distance between them.
The brunette chucked. "I hope it is a good one".
They started to walk side by side. As they used to do while discussing cases or just their lives. At this point it just felt like time hadn't passed.
"You know it is. You are a sight for sore eyes".
Olivia blushed. She was glad Amanda wasn't able to see it.
"Is there a place where we can talk?"
Amanda thought for a minute.
"Yes. My office is right this way. But first we need to go to the cafeteria".
"Why is that?"
"You'll see".
**
Fifteen minutes later, the both of them were seated next to each other in one of Amanda's comfortable couches. The conversations so far were like before. Amanda with her usual sense of humor and Olivia not trying to fall more in love with her ex employee.
But maybe it was from both sides because when Amanda listened to Olivia talking about how Noah was doing and some Fin work stories, she wondered how not to get lost in her excapitan's beautiful face expressions.
Laughters also filled the air when making jokes about Amanda finally getting an office the same size as Olivia's, both women felt in their element once again. The freedom to be who you are with the person you love.
The blonde was just finishing her chocolate chip cookie and Olivia, who took a solid five minutes to pick her order despite Amanda telling her favorite, chose a chocolate sprinkle donut and an espresso, took a bite of it with an expectant Amanda waiting for her reaction.
"See? They are delicious".
"I thought you didn't like donuts".
" That was a phase. I'm never making that mistake again because once I tried these I remembered how much I loved them".
A silence fell between them. They somehow felt it was time to talk about the elephant in the room.
"Liv, I am so sorry-".
"Amanda, I tried to-"
They knew each other so well, even to start talking at the same time.
"You have the home field advantage. Go". Olivia said, looking right into those beautiful and somehow sad blue eyes.
Amanda took a deep breath. It wasn't easy to put into words how much she missed Olivia and how much she wanted to come back to SVU and to her captain.
"Liv, I am really sorry I ghosted you like that. If I'm being honest I'm not happy here anymore. I miss the challenge of solving a mystery, being on the field".
'Being with you'.
She took a pause, she broke eye contact with Olivia after thinking that she really needed to say that she loved Olivia. But she wasn't sure how to.
Amanda could feel the brunette's gaze on her, waiting for her next words. "I love my students…"
"But you love me more".
'Did I just say that outloud?'
This time, it was Amanda who blushed hard and smiled in a way Olivia never had seen but knew for sure it was her favorite one.
"Well, now that we are talking about it, yes. I missed you and it made me realize I loved you. Maybe I always had. I was ready to tell you and then I got shot".
Olivia had taken Amanda's hands between hers. She kept listening.
"I didn't want to deal with my feelings. The thought of losing my daughters, losing my work, losing you. And I ran away. But don't get me wrong, the idea of teaching sounded great at the start, but then-".
She sighed and Olivia continued.
"You felt you didn't belong here. You felt like a part of your heart was ripped from you. You always thought about her, if she is happy, if she is comfortable but you never knew how to ask".
"Liv, why did we let fear come between us?"
They locked eyes again.
"Because we were afraid of our true feelings".
"And what are those?"
The distance between them started to close and Amanda suddenly just could focus on Olivia's lips. The captain noticed this and smirked.
"Want me to show you?"
Amanda smiled.
"Yes please".
The next thing Amanda felt was Olivia's soft lips on hers, as she always dreamed. She relaxed and smiled into the kiss.
The first one was the soft one, but after sharing a look things got a little heated with hands exploring bodies and messing hairs and clothes.
It could have continued only if Amanda hadn't heard some student voices right outside her office, asking if she was there.
"Damn it". She whispered trying but failing at kissing Olivia one last time before fixing her clothes.
Olivia laughed at that, doing the same herself.
After a five minute interruption caused by said student, Amanda closed the door behind her and focused on Olivia again.
"I have the house this weekend. The girls are with my mom".
"Let me talk to Lucy, I have to go back to the precinct but I promise I will see you tonight".
"You can bet that, Captain".
They kissed again, knowing exactly this is what they wanted, what they always wanted but were too scared to admit.
"I'm not letting you go, not again".
Olivia rested her forehead on Amanda's. Both with their eyes closed and holding hands, understanding how important this moment was for whatever will happen in the near future.
"I don't want to run away anymore".
And she didn't have to. Amanda knew Olivia felt the same about her. Maybe they could figure out how she could come back to SVU and keep teaching, but right now what mattered was the weekend ahead.
And with the hopes of a new future together, both women knew this was an everlasting love ready to be explored. But more importantly, no one had to pretend anymore.