Chapter Text
It was a beautiful day outside, birds were singing on the trees surrounding the Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Inside, the chatter of people could be heard, doctors bustling around being generally busy as House limped as fast as he could towards the elevator. A beautiful day like this couldn't be wasted on horrid things such as clinic duty.
House weaved between doctors and patients alike and it couldn't have been more than 5 steps from the elevator when a familiar voice made him stop in his tracks and turn, his face reminiscent of a kid caught with it's hands in the cookie jar.
"No need to hide, you've got a case," Cuddy, looking as formidable as always, stated unimpressed, one hand on her hip and the other handing House a file.
"Awh, you shouldn't have," he said with a pout of his lips and a hand to his chest, always one to put on a show. He took the file. Cuddy ignored the little show like only a person whose had to deal with him for years could.
"28, male, sudden-onset blindness, no injuries, no family history of eye illness-"
"What about-", House, who'd been scimming over the information in the file, tried to interrupt.
"For once, just take a case I've assigned you without question me?", she was annoyed now, which was fair enough.
"Jeez are you-"
"Don't you dare finish that period joke."
He didn't.
"Now go, be free!", she added sarcastically, with a wave of both hands, like if she was shooing away a horse.
House put up his hands in mock defense and turned back to the elevator, file tucked beneath his arm, his own annoyed look on his face. "You want this?", he asked an unfortunate soul that was also on the elevator, arm outstretched, file in hand. Said soul just shook her head uncertaintly and avoided eye contact. Figures. But oh well, he shouldn't mess with Cuddy today anyway if he didn't want extra clinic hours.
~
"Sudden-onset blindness!", House announced, opening the door to the diagnostic department. The sun was lighting the room in a pleasant way, if only the case at hand were as pleasant. He limped to a chair and, once situated, put both of his feet on the table. He was hopeful that his fellows would take care of the patient by themselves.
"Probably neurological," Foreman said absentmindedly, still reading a magazine.
"Doesn't sound that interesting, probably acute glaucoma," Chase commented from the coffee station. "Yeah, why did you take the case, House?", Cameron questioned, taking a sip of her own coffe.
"Cuddy's oders," House grumbled a bit, already not interested in arguing with the ducklings, "Instead of questioning me, make yourselves useful and do your jobs," he made sure to emphasize the last few words. This was going to be a drag.
"Do a MRT and CT scan of the head, also blood cultures and anything else that you deem suspicious. I need to attend to more serious matters," House concludes, swinging his legs down and getting up in one swift motion. More interesting matter too, in his opinion.
"Which are?", a curious Chase asked.
"Lunch," House replied deadpan.
Foreman chuckled and shook his head, not quite in disbelief, but it would've been if he hadn't been acquainted with House's antics.
"Well?", House made sure to draw the word out, his eyebrows raised and hands gesturing to the door.
Cameron was the first to file out the door to take care of the patient. Chase and Foreman soon followed.
"And don't forget the patient history," House called after them.
"This isn't our first case, House," Cameron called back.
House made his own way to the door. Off to lunch.
~
Barking orders at people all day sure sparked an appetite. So House, in his opinion, had more than enough justification to plop down next to Wilson and shovel half of Wilson's fries onto his own plate with his bare hands. Wilson, bless his heart, just put his arms up to allow it to happen and looked at his, now half empty, plate in defeat.
"Clinic duty got you hungry?", he asked, still looking at the plate.
"Nope," House popped the p, eating his new fries "got a new case."
"So why aren't you, oh I don't know, working on that and not stealing my food?"
"Can't I do both?", he feigned innocence, then returned to normal, "Case is boring."
"Of course", Wilson mumbled, returning to eating himself.
"Look at the upsides! Now we have more time to talk, for example, what are you making for dinner?", it was hard to understand House, mouth full of fries.
"What's your least favorite food?", there was no malice behind the words.
"Anything that's not made by you", House replied, clasping his hands together and batting his eyelashes. A laugh escapes Wilson's lips, his head dropped and shaking slowly. House looked at the way his back shook slightly with muffled laughter.
"I'm not your personal chef, you know?"
"Well, you owe me for letting you sleep on my couch."
"I already make up for that by being your maid! I mean seriously, how can you make such a mess everyday?", Wilson was well exasperated now.
"It's one of many charming talents I have. So?"
Wilson took his time to eat some more of his own fries.
"I'm making steak tonight."
At House's expectant look, Wilson elaborated,
"With parsley potatoes."
"Yummy", House remarked with satisfaction, grabbing another handful of Wilson's food.
~
Back in his office, House was trying his damnest to beat a level on his Gameboy.
"Dammit", he whispered as he fell of another platform and died.
His fellows stood there awkwardly, having been in the room for a few seconds now, until Foreman cleared his throat loudly. House looked up at them with no surprise, probably having avoided them on purpose.
"Scans are clears", the Aussie said.
"And the cultures are normal too, technically he should be healthy," Cameron added.
"Well then show him the results and let him walk right out of here. I'm sure he can use the walls as guides, he'll find out eventually. Or we could get him one of those cute dogs!"
"Very funny", if Foreman's tone was anything to go by, it wasn't.
"Well then use your head! There's something we're missing. Has anyone checked the home yet?", House looked at them. They looked at each other. No one answered.
House didn't know what he had expected.
"Christ, you can't do anything on your own, can you? Chase, search the home."
"On it."
"I'll go talk to the patient, since apparently I can't rely on my fellows to do a decent job," House snarled half-heartedly, limping past them and snatching the patient's file out of Cameron's hand.
"You two, make yourselves useful somehow," he said in the doorway, making his way to the patient's room. Today was painfully uneventful.
Once he arrived, he slid the door open and announced himself.
"Helloo -" he checked the file for a name "-Dylan. I'm Doctor House, I'm overlooking your case."
Dylan turned to look at the source of the noise, staring in the general direction of House.
The man laying in the hospital bed was well built and blond, and he looked surprisingly happy considering the circumstance.
"Hello Doctor. May I say, you have a nice voice," Dylan smiled gently.
"Why thank you," House replied with an over exaggeratedly deep voice. That made Dylan smile more. House sat down beside the bed.
Back to his normal voice, House began his questioning.
"We don't know what's wrong with you, so walk me through your day."
"How's that going to help?"
"Humor me."
"Okay... so usually I wake up around 6am, I run an hour or so in the park, then I head to work."
"What do you work as?"
"Car salesman."
Riveting stuff so far.
"Continue."
"Then after work I head home to make myself food and then I go to a bar."
"Which bar?"
Dylan blushed a little, making House curious.
"Just a bar."
It's never just a bar, maybe there's something interesting about this case yet.
"There's no shame in visiting a strip club every once in a while," House remarked, making Dylan jump a little.
"N-No! It's not a strip club it's a... a gay bar," he whispered, somewhat embarrassed, maybe even scared of House's reaction.
House just shrugged, deeming it to be not that shocking, before asking, "And you're there every night? Seems a bit excessive."
"Well... it's become somewhat of a second home to me."
"Nothing more comforting than all the colors of the rainbow. Where exactly is the bar?"
After figuring out the location House was itching to send Chase on his next mission, visiting a gay bar. If the case wasn't interesting, at least he could mess with the ducklings.
~
There was nothing of note in the home so Chase was promptly sent to the bar, of course after some arguing, only to return sooner than anticipated.
"No dice, they didn't let me in", Chase announced as he entered the room. House, looking away from the whiteboard, cocked an eyebrow.
"Were you not gay enough?"
"Kind of. They asked if I was interested in guys and I said no, but that I needed to get in for medical reasons. They said that they can't, that I might be some homophobe out to get them. Apparently they had some attacks recently. Do I look that much like a bigot? ", Chase sounded a little confused, Cameron was about to reassure him when House intervened.
"I'd say you look more like a closet case." Chase put a offended hand to his chest, House ignored him. This was good, he could send someone else now.
"Foreman, you're gay now," House practically ordered.
"That's not how it works," Foreman chuckled.
"It is now. You go investigate."
"I'm going to go home for tonight, " Foreman was already dressed and nearly finished packing his briefcase.
House considered this, putting a thoughtful finger in front of his lips.
"You'll investigate tomorrow! I will also go home, dinner is waiting for me", House was rubbing his hands together and licking his lips.
They all went home for the day.
~
The next day Foreman also, surprisingly, returned empty-handed from the bar.
"Couples only day", he said dropping into a chair.
Hm. House, lounged once again in a chair, typed something into his pager. Then he bounced his cane on the floor repeatedly before stopping abruptly.
"Well, Chase, Foreman, it offends me that you wouldn't tell me about your blossoming relationship, but it works out well for this case," House was as dramatic in the delivery as you'd expect.
"Isn't going to work, they know I'm not into men already," Chase stated.
"They know that you don't *think* you're into men, House corrected as the door swung open. House craned his neck over the chair to look.
"You wanted a consult?", Wilson asked, head poked into the room while the rest of his body was leaning palms first on the doorframe. His hair was slightly tousled, indicating that he was probably a little stressed, yet his tie and lab coat were in impeccable shape. House smiled one of his signature up-to-no-good smiles.
"Foreman, Wilson, I hereby announce you boyfriend and boyfriend, you may now kiss your newfound lover."
Wilson shot House a glare. Chase tried to hold back a laugh
Cameron interjected, "Sorry to say but them together is really unconvincing."
"What is this about?", Wilson asked House, eyes glazed over with concern, and then the room at large.
"We need to infiltrate a gay bar that is hosting a couples only day and is wary of non-gays", Chase explained, leaning back in his chair.
"I see," Wilson stated, then spun around to head out the door.
"Not so fast!", House got up to walk over to Wilson, who had turned around again, and got into his space, "If it's something environmental in the bar a bunch of gays could get seriously sick, you homophobe!", House stared Wilson in the eyes with an air of challenge.
Wilson, disgruntled, broke eye contact and looked to the sky, as if to ask God himself for help.
"And what am I supposed to do about it?", he asked, already feeling deafeated
"You and House could go," Foreman suggested with a mischievous grin.
"It'd be more convincing," Cameron agreed.
Chase just nodded while laughing.
House had been too hard on them recently, they're out to get him now. But he wasn't one to back down. They couldn't mess with him that easily.
"What do you say loverboy?", House wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"House. You can't be serious," Wilson stated, hands on hips and fluffy eyebrows drawn together.
"C'mon it's for the patient's sake!", House fake-pleaded, hands plus cane coming up between them.
Wilson considered it. He really disliked the idea. He looked at the expectant faces in the room, then back in the hallway, then at House.
He sighed and dropped his head "Fine, but you're buying dinner." House's grin spread, this was the perfect opportunity to be an extra pain in the ass.
"Of course honeypie," he whispered overbearingly affectionately but loud enough for everyone to hear. Wilson theatrically shuddered in disgust before saying, "Just let me know when we leave."
Wilson left to return to his office, his head spinning a little, unsure of what exactly he just signed up for but certain that it wouldn't go well.