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You and me
We used to be together, everyday together
Always, I really feel that I'm losin' my best friend
I can't believe this could be the end
It looks as though you're lettin' go
And if it's real, well, I don't want to know
The sunlight was dazzling on the smooth surface of the lake, on the bank of which the group of laughing girls who had just left the Great Hall were sitting with shoes and socks off, cooling their feet in the water. Lily had glanced over to Snape, watching him absorbed in his exam papers.
For a while now, she had started feeling a drift come between them. As he grew closer to his Slytherin buddies who despised her for simply existing, Lily felt a tug in her heart, wondering if she still played an important part in her best friend’s life. Had his thoughts on her started to change?
Lily thought back to the subject they asked each other long ago, looking for comfort in it.
“Does it make a difference, being Muggle-Born?”
"No. It doesn't make any difference."
That was her Severus — the Severus she knew. The one she cared for.
“Hey, Lily? Hello?!” waved one of the girls, bringing her attention back to them.
Lily blinked.
Marlene McKinnon sighed, having noticed who she was watching from the distance. “I’m surprised you’re still friends with him after what his friends did to Mary, especially since he had the audacity to say it was for ‘laughs’ .”
Mary Macdonald looked down with panic, causing Marlene to put a hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry I brought it up.”
Lily glanced down, grimacing.
No, she couldn’t let their thoughts about Severus get to her. She knew who he really was. Their friendship was strong and would endure no matter what came their way. But yet, Lily couldn’t explain that drift that had been slowly coming between them. How did it happen?
“Oh no, it looks like they are at it again,” Marlene said with an annoyed sigh, knowing it was typical at this point.
Lily glanced over, seeing Potter and Black surrounding Snape. Her green eyes went wide, already starting to bolt up from her spot on the ground before a hand grabbed her wrist, stopping her.
“Don’t!” Marlene said.
“I can’t just sit back and let them—”
“I know, but they are just doing it for attention. If you go over there and interfere, you’re giving them exactly what they want!” Marlene responded, leaving out the part of her thinking Snape deserved it too.
Lily sighed with disgust. “So you want me to just do NOTHING?!”
“Boys will be boys…”
Lily glanced over to Remus, another prefect for Gryffindor who was supposed to help her with misbehaving students, but yet seemed to be hiding away in his book, acting like his friends weren’t harming her best friend.
The redhead pulled her wrist away, knowing she would be the only one willing to step in and put a stop to this. Her blood was boiling, wondering why Potter and Black always felt the need to pick on Severus. Nothing had changed between them since that first train ride to Hogwarts.
Even if Lily didn’t like how Severus was developing an interest in the dark arts and hanging around with the likes of Mulciber and Avery, there was no denying the fact he was still her closest and best friend. There were many happy memories between them she couldn’t just forget or erase and she would still be there to defend him, even if it was her against the world.
“Leave him ALONE!” Lily shouted, showing her prefect badge off a little, hoping they would cease and know she meant business.
Potter and Black looked around. Potter’s free hand jumped to his hair again. “All right, Evans?” he said, trying to sound mature and deep.
“Leave him alone,” Lily repeated. She was looking at James with every sign of great dislike. “What’s he done to you?”
“Well,” said Potter, appearing to deliberate the point, “it’s more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…”
Many of the surrounding watchers laughed, Black and Pettigrew included, but Lupin, still apparently intent on his book, didn’t, and neither did Lily. In fact, it struck at her heart, only making her more angry for hearing him speak of her best friend in such a way.
“You think you’re funny,” she said coldly. “But you’re just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone.”
“I will if you go out with me, Evans,” said James quickly. “Go on… Go out with me, and I’ll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.”
Behind them, the Impediment Jinx was wearing off. Severus was beginning to inch toward his fallen wand, spitting out soapsuds as he crawled.
Potter really had such audacity, especially with how many times Lily had already turned down his advances. He couldn’t take no for an answer and had now decided to go to new extreme’s, using her best friend as leverage. How exactly was this supposed to make her see his reason?
“I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,” Lily said pointedly.
“Bad luck, Prongs,” said Black briskly, turning back to Severus. “OY!”
But too late; Severus had directed his wand straight at Potter; there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of Potter’s face, spattering his robes with blood.
Potter whirled about; a second flash of light later, Severus was hanging upside down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of graying underpants.
Many people in the small crowd watching cheered. Black, Potter, and Pettigrew roared with laughter. Lily, whose furious expression had twitched for an instant from shock, said, “Let him down!”
“Certainly,” said Potter and he jerked his wand upward. Severus fell into a crumpled heap on the ground.
Disentangling himself from his robes, he got quickly to his feet, wand up, but Black said, “Petrificus Totalus!” and Severus keeled over again at once, rigid as a board.
“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Lily shouted, green eyes wide. She had her own wand out now, irritated with the way they kept treating Severus in front of her. Obviously words weren’t working with them despite giving them the chance, so now she would have to use magic. Potter and Black eyed it warily.
“Ah, Evans, don’t make me hex you,” said Potter earnestly.
Just you try it! “Take the curse off him, then!” Lily shouted, bravely standing her ground.
Potter sighed deeply, then turned to Severus and muttered the countercurse.
“There you go,” he said, as Severus struggled to his feet again, “you’re lucky Evans was here, Snivellus —”
Lily was getting ready to help her friend up from the ground, wanting to make sure he was okay, before the words hit her like a slap to the face.
“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”
Lily blinked, but her heart stung, chest tightening up with rejection. The words echoed in her head and Lily had to use all her strength, holding back tears, realizing her worst fear had come to life.
“Fine,” she said coolly. “I won’t bother in future. And I’d wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus .”
“Apologize to Evans!” Potter roared at Snape, his wand pointed threateningly at him.
“I don’t want you to make him apologize,” Lily shouted, rounding on Potter. “You’re as bad as he is.”
She was furious with the both of them now. Potter for always bullying others and constantly asking her out despite turning him down repeatedly. And now Sev…no… oh god, he just called her a mudblood. He was becoming one of them…she really was losing her best friend. Or had she already lost him?
“What?” yelped James. “I’d NEVER call you a — you-know-what!”
"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can -- I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on You make me SICK."
She turned on her heel and hurried away. As far as she was concerned, she never wanted anything to do with boys again.
Lily needed time to be alone, even as the tears were threatening to burst forth. She wanted to be back in the Gryffindor common room at this point, not wanting to cause a scene of a “filthy little mudblood” crying over being rejected by the person she thought was her best friend.
“Evans!” Potter shouted after her, “Hey, EVANS!” But she didn’t look back.
“What is it with her?” said James, trying and failing to look as though this was a throwaway question of no real importance to him.
“Reading between the lines, I’d say she thinks you’re a bit conceited, mate,” said Black.
“Right,” said Potter, who looked furious now, “right —”
There was another flash of light, and Severus was once again hanging upside down in the air.
“Who wants to see me take off Snivelly’s pants?”
Don't speak
I know just what you're sayin'
So please stop explainin'
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know just what you're thinkin'
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
Lily had managed to make it back to the common room, bursting past everyone and into the safety of the fifth year girls room. It luckily happened to be empty at the time. She threw her stuff on the floor and then slumped down onto her bed, trying to process what just happened.
Her worst fears had been proven right.
He had lied to her. It did matter that she was muggle-born. He had made that very obvious from the company he kept with his future Death Eater friends and his interest in the dark arts.
“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”
The words still echoed in her head, now trying to prove her point to her, just as her Gryffindor friends around her had been trying to make her see.
What had happened to her Sev ?
What exactly did she do to deserve this?
All she ever did was care for him and defend him. After all, he was her best friend and she… she loved him too . Platonically of course, but she had tried entertaining thoughts romantically before.
He was that young boy from Cokeworth who opened a world of magic to her. He was intelligent, clever, kind, and maybe a bit snarky, but she didn’t mind. He could be distant at times, but Lily figured it had to do with his home life. He never really liked talking about his parents much. It used to not matter before that he was a half-blood and she was muggle-born, or that he was a Slytherin and she was a Gryffindor.
Now she couldn’t imagine going back home, not sharing a train ride with him or walking down past their old river bank and playground without him. Cokeworth wouldn’t be the same. Nothing would be the same again anymore.
Had he ever cared for her like she did for him, or was she just a convenience?
“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”
Lily couldn’t contain the bottle of emotions within her, finally erupting. Tears fell from her green eyes as she sobbed, quickly lifting up her wand, not wanting anyone to hear. “Muffliato!”
It was just pure instinct, but once she noticed the specific spell she cast, it only made her sob further, realizing it was one of his spells he created and shared with her.
Severus Snape had left a distinct mark on her life, but now it was clear Lily would have to try and move past it. He had made his choice about her, so she would have to make her own too. Lily wiped away her tears, picking herself up.
Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry
It was now nighttime and it had been some hours since the incident. Everyone else had returned back to the common room for the night, but Lily kept herself busy, scribbling away in one of her notebooks, not wishing to talk with anyone else of what happened.
Mary came into the girls room, whispering. “Uh, Lily, Snape’s at the portrait hole waiting for you.”
“Why should it concern me?” she responded bitterly.
“Because you’re a prefect and he’s threatening to sleep there until you come down and speak with him.”
Why is he doing such a thing? I thought he didn’t care about me or need me.
Mary just continued to look at Lily, who hesitated, before getting up from her desk with a sigh. “I’m not doing this for him. I’m doing this because it’s my duty as a Prefect to make sure no one is out past curfew.”
She nodded.
Lily carefully walked downstairs, glancing around to make sure there was no sign of Potter and his friends. The last thing she needed was a repeat of the fight all over again in front of the Gryffindor common room this time.
She walked out and immediately saw the worried look on his face. His dark eyes were also puffy. Had he been crying too?
“I’m sorry,” he blurted out.
“I’m not interested.”
“I’m sorry!” he said with more desperation this time.
I wish I could believe it. I want to believe it, but I know better now. “ Save your breath!” Lily, who was wearing a dressing gown, stood with her arms folded in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady, at the entrance to Gryffindor Tower. “I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here.”
“I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just—”
Lily had to keep herself from flinching at hearing the word come from his mouth again. “Slipped out?” There was no pity in her voice. “It’s too late. I’ve made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends — you see, you don’t even deny it! You don’t even deny that’s what you’re all aiming to be! You can’t wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?”
Please…say you won’t join him. Tell me you aren’t walking down a dark path I can’t follow. Tell me you aren’t even considering joining them. Choose me, Sev! Show me that I actually matter to you…that it’s not just about my blood status.
He opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking. And it broke her heart.
Lily sighed. “I can’t pretend anymore. You’ve chosen your way, I’ve chosen mine.”
“No — listen, I didn’t mean—”
“— to call me Mudblood ?” The word was now coming off her tongue, bitter in her mouth. It was all she could do to keep the tears from falling again. After all, he only saw her one way. ”But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus!” She thought back to Mary Macdonald and how he thought that what happened to her was all a laugh. “Why should I be any different?”
Now I’m just a joke to you too…or have I always been without realizing it? I can’t go down this path you’re going. I can’t believe that you would want to join a group who wants to exterminate others like me….
He struggled on the verge of speech, but with a contemptuous look she turned and climbed back through the portrait hole, not wanting to hear any more excuses. Lily let out the breath she had been holding, blinking away tears and wiping them away.
It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are
You and me I can see us dying, are we?
Fifth year had finally ended and Lily was back home in Cokeworth. Her parents were happy to have her back home for the summer again, and Petunia was still the same as ever, glaring at her.
However, the tension was obvious in the room, and it wasn’t just because of the Evans sisters this time. They could sense something was bothering Lily, but she didn’t have the heart to tell them or even write a letter about what had happened.
It was still a fresh and sensitive wound for her.
She made her way upstairs to her room, putting her luggage down, and enjoying the quiet peace of her sanctuary. Lily flopped onto her bed, but her green eyes landed onto the wall and mirror covered in pictures of memories with her friends. Most of them were with Severus, but some new ones had started appearing with other friends like Mary and Marlene.
Lily got up, walking over to look at them, indulging in the temptation of the memories. There was one of them at age nine, not too long after they met and he told her of Hogwarts. She had gotten this film camera as a present for her birthday and started taking pictures of their adventures before Hogwarts in Cokeworth so they could keep a scrapbook on how different their lives would be before and after Hogwarts.
She laughed and giggled at some of them, but soon found herself crying again.
Was it really over?
All this time, and these memories, and it was just over because of one incident. One sentence. One choice. One decision. One word.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right.
There was a knock at the door, and Lily hadn’t even registered it until the door opened and Petunia stopped in her tracks, eyes wide, seeing the sad state her sister was in.
There was no hiding it now. Petunia would probably take delight in hearing what happened.
“This is about that Snape boy, right?” Her sister asked, closing the door behind her and walking over to her. “I figured it had to do with him since you haven’t spoken a word about him like you usually do after getting off the train. What happened?”
Lily started to break down into sobs again, like a younger sister looking for comfort and solace in her older sister’s arms. “I don’t know where we went wrong, Tuney. I don’t think he ever cared about me…”
Petunia sighed. “I don’t think that’s true.”
“Then why did he call me a Mudblood?”
The eldest Evans sister's eyes went wide, suddenly holding her sister closer and protectively.
“I thought we were best friends, but he’s made it perfectly clear that I am nothing more to him than that. I don’t think I can make it through this.”
“You will. You always do. It’s in your nature. You’re Lily Evans.” She said, offering no other words than that. Lily suspected it was a step in the right direction with her sister at least. “I came to tell you Mummy will have dinner ready shortly.”
Lily nodded. “Thank you.”
Petunia let go and closed the door behind her, leaving Lily to collect herself. She wiped away tears, grabbing the photos of her and Severus off of the wall, throwing them into a box. This was the only way to get past the grief of losing him now. They were going different ways now and it didn’t help looking back on the past. It no longer existed.
She noticed how bare and empty the wall suddenly felt, reflecting how her heart currently felt.
Lily took in a breath and let it out.
Breathe. All I can do is keep breathing. Time heals all wounds, and I need to believe it will do the same for this too.
She glanced back at the pictures in the box before putting a lid on it and placing it in her closet, above on the shelf, hidden under a bunch of other things.
This was the best option. She couldn’t follow Severus down this dark path he had chosen and Lily couldn’t burn the photos and act like the memories and friendship she had with Severus had never existed, when it did. Even if they were no longer friends anymore, he would always have a place in her heart.
All she could do was bury them inside her heart, pushing forward, taking one step at a time, breathing in and out, and moving on without him by her side. No one said it would be easy, but Lily had to remind herself of who she was by telling herself a different story.
She would only make it through with her courageous heart full of love and compassion.