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He’ll never be able to forget the exact moment that the realization hits him.
They’re all together, their entire new little group, crammed onto the two couches in the living room of their dorm room, to binge Jiwoong’s bl dramas. A ‘bonding activity’ was what it had been called when one of the others proposed the watch party. Though mostly, it seemed to be an opportunity to tease their eldest on his acting ability. He's a good actor, there’s no doubt about that, but watching his favorite hyung act like an angsty vampire love interest is very entertaining.
Matthew is sitting on the floor, having accepted that there was no room on the couch. He was leaning back against Jiwoong’s legs, while the older casually ran his hands through Matthew’s hair.
It’s enough that, despite the entertainment value of what's currently playing on their television, Matthew finds his eyes slowly slipping shut. It’s been an exhausting day, and the comfort of Jiwoong’s presence is enough to slowly soothe Matthew.
That is, until it happens.
Someone lets out a wolf whistle, another claps their hands together (Gyuvin probably, from the way the sound echoes around the room), and there’s a clamor as Hao vaults off the couch to cover the baby’s (Yujin’s) eyes up, meanwhile Matthew opens his own eyes back up just in time to see the Jiwoong on screen stripping off his shirt for his sex scene.
Suddenly, all thoughts of quietly dozing off fade away, replaced instead with a feeling that starts off in his chest, sort of like dread, before sinking into his stomach in a way that distinctly makes him feel sick.
A feeling that only increases the longer the scene goes on.
Until it’s replaced by a horrible guilt, as Matthew comes to the worst sort of realization - that if watching Jiwoong kiss men on screen made Matthew feel this way, then clearly the only logical explanation was that he is homophobic .
*
The realization from the night before had kept him up all night, making him unable to catch even a wink of sleep. Eyes instead focused on the ceiling above him, as he practiced in his head, over and over again, what he would say the next time he saw Jiwoong.
Of course, the next time he saw Jiwoong was that morning.
The fact that his hyung had greeted him with kindness, ruffled Matthew’s hair, so unaware of the complicated feelings taking hold of Matthew, had felt wrong. The guilt was back in full force. Such that he could barely even stomach his breakfast. He had excused himself with comments of feeling unwell before retreating back into his room.
As much as Matthew would like to simply avoid Jiwoong forever, he knew that it would be impossible.
There’s only so much space in their new dorms, and with dance practice tomorrow, there would be no way to avoid Jiwoong in the near future. Let alone during the next two and a half years that they have together as part of this band.
But still….
At the same time, confessing to Jiwoong what he feels seems like an even worse prospect.
Which is why he ends up standing outside of the room that Hanbin, Hao and Taerae share. He was shifting back and forth with anxiety, trying to talk himself up to asking for advice from Hanbin, before one of the other members in the dorms realizes what he’s doing.
Of course, the universe is not on his side in that regard either.
“Matthew, what are you doing here?” Hao asks, having rounded the corner, making his way back to his room himself.
“I was looking for Hanbin-hyung,” he admits sheepishly. “I need advice… From him… About a thing .”
Hao’s brows furrow at the way Matthew keeps trailing off and avoiding eye contact with him.
“Did you try knocking?”
“Uh… Not yet?”
Hao lets out a small sigh. Not quite one of disappointment, but it twinges something inside Matthew nevertheless.
He steps aside to let Hao open the door to the bedroom in question. The other two occupants of the room were both there, turning in their direction at the sound of the door opening.
“Matthew-ah” Hanbin says, “I was wondering who it was outside the door, but I wanted to give you time to figure yourself out.”
Figure himself out , oh, if it had only been that easy.
“Can we talk, hyung?”
Hanbin nods, patting the space next to him on his bed, sitting cross legged so that there’s room for Matthew. Not that there wasn’t room to begin, the bed in question was technically two beds, as he and Hao had pushed their two beds together to make a ‘super bed.’ Meanwhile in contrast, Taerae’s bed was pressed up against the far window, as far from the ‘super bed’ as physically possible.
“Let me just grab what I was reading earlier, and I’ll be out of here,” Hao says quickly, upon seeing Matthew make no move to actually settle down beside Hanbin for their talk.
Taerae, by contrast, seems to make no moves to leave the room, instead continuing to type away on his phone to whomever it is that he is talking to.
“You don’t have to do that,” Matthew says, turning to Hao. “I mean, everyone else is eventually going to find out… So you might as well, hear it now…”
The expression on Hanbin’s face is suddenly one of concern, as Hao moves to physically pull Matthew onto the ‘super bed’ so that they can have this discussion. Hanbin started, “Is something wrong? Did someone say something? Or hurt you? Or-”
“No, no, nothing like that,” Matthew says quickly. “It’s uh… It’s about me and… Me and Jiwoong-hyung.”
Suddenly, the concerned expression disappears from his hyungs’ faces at once. Even Taerae puts down his phone to turn his full attention onto Matthew.
“So you finally figured it out,” Hanbin says, his voice having the lightest teasing hint to it.
Matthew’s stomach turns anxiously, “Finally? Wait, did you all already know?”
Each of the other three people in the room makes a noise of agreement, which only makes the dread that Matthew feels increase. Had it really been obvious how he felt this entire time? Had everyone known for days, maybe even weeks , what Matthew hadn’t yet been willing to admit to himself?
And if that was the case then… “Do you think Jiwoong-hyung knows?”
At this Hanbin appears a bit nervous himself, “I mean, if it makes you feel any better, probably?”
“Oh god,” Matthew buries his head in his hands. This is worse than he had ever considered.
“It’s okay, it’s not a bad thing for him to know,” Hao reassures him, his concern clear in his tone. He rubbed his hand comfortingly on Matthew’s back.
“I only just realized last night,” Matthew confesses. “When we were watching his drama, and… When he was kissing his co star, and I just… I felt like I was going to be sick or something.”
He’s pretty sure he’s going to be sick right now.
“If Jiwoong-hyung knows, then he… He probably hates me, right?”
“No, no, he would never,” Hao stated.
“I don’t think Jiwoong-hyung has the capacity to hate you, even if you were to like, commit murder. He’d probably help you hide the body before even considering getting upset with you,” Hanbin adds, following Hao’s comment. “Matthew, I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to come and tell me about this, but I don’t think you need to worry. I think if you went over to Jiwoong-hyung’s room right now and told him what you’re trying to tell us, he would be happy to talk with you and I’m sure he feels the same way.”
Matthew bites the inside of his cheek to avoid contradicting Hanbin.
There’s absolutely no way Jiwoong feels the same.
Watching the dramas last night had confirmed as much, as well as everything that came before this.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Matthew says, quietly. He twists his hands together in his lap, focusing on them instead of looking up at the other occupants of the room. “I just… I wanted to tell you because you’re our leader and I don’t want the way I feel about Jiwoong to ruin the team dynamics.”
“That’s fair,” Hanbin nods. “Confessing how you feel to Jiwoong-hyung might change the team dynamics, but only just a little? You two were basically already there anyways, it won’t come as a big surprise, and I promise,” Hanbin takes Matthew’s hand into his own, as he repeats himself, “I promise Jiwoong-hyung won’t hate you if you tell him how you feel.”
“I hope so…”
“Would it make you feel better if one of us could come chaperone while you confess?”
“Or,” Taerae suggests, finally speaking up, “You could hold off until tomorrow after practice? That way Gyuvin loses the bet.”
Matthew turns to look at Taerae with an expression of pure horror - “Wait, not only did everyone already know, but you’re all betting on it?”
“Well, not all of us, Hao-hyung opted out.”
*
The plan had originally been to talk to Jiwoong privately, right after they finished dance practice. With the intention that if anything went horribly wrong, there would be the rest of the members there to help protect him. Though as it was, practice was going terribly. There hadn’t been this much invisible tension in a room since that one terrible ‘Say My Name’ practice. And despite their choreographer repeatedly giving them pointers, Matthew hadn’t been able to remember any of their words, let alone put them into practice.
He couldn’t focus.
And as a result, the others couldn’t either.
It was clear that Jiwoong noticed that something was up. The other had tried to greet Matthew casually this morning, and Matthew had awkwardly excused himself at the time for fear of blurting everything out. Now though, whenever Matthew looks in the mirror, he swears that he can see Jiwoong’s eyes on him, following his every movement with a confused furrow.
He’s not the only one looking Matthew’s way every so often either.
Hanbin and Hao both keep looking his way, as if trying to subtly prompt him to say something to ease the tension in the room. Sure that their advice last night would only lead to good results today.
It’s when their choreographer tells everyone to take a ten minute break and sort themselves out, that Matthew decides it’s now or never - “Hey, Jiwoong-hyung, can we talk for a second?”
The second he says those words, there’s a rush of noise from the other members.
“Oh god, is it finally happening?”
“Someone get a camera!”
“Does this mean Gyuvin wins? Or are we officially in Taerae zone?”
“Really hyung, you couldn’t have done this yesterday ?”
But Matthew ignores all of them, only focusing on Jiwoong.
Jiwoong, who smiles at him with that million dollar smile, as he turns his attention fully to Matthew. A smile Matthew hardly feels like he deserves at the moment.
“Yeah baby, what’s up?”
After being called ‘baby’ his stomach twists again, that same complicated feeling that he had felt when they were watching the dramas a few nights ago, and Jiwoong had been playing with his hair. Further proof of his homophobia.
Matthew shifts nervously on his feet, trying to psych himself up.
“You good?” Jiwoong prompts, gently.
“Okay, uh, right so Jiwoong-hyung, I don’t know if you’ve noticed… Well, no I’m pretty sure you have noticed, that I - I uh…”
“That you’ve been avoiding me?”
Matthew nods.
So he had noticed, that wasn’t just in Matthew’s head.
“Did I do something wrong, or to offend you?” Jiwoong asks gently, like the caring hyung he is.
Matthew shakes his head quickly. “No! No, you’ve done nothing! You’re amazing hyung, and so wonderful, and that’s the problem actually. Everyone keeps saying that you won’t hate me once I tell you how… How I’ve been feeling lately, but I’m not so sure. I’d understand if you did hate me hyung, because I know you definitely don’t feel the same and… Everything. But I have to do this now, or I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.”
When Matthew brings himself to look Jiwoong in the eyes, he finds that the other man is smiling. It’s a small smile, one there at the edge of his lips.
“You’re shaking,” Jiwoong points out, before slipping into a teasing tone in English, as he adds like a private joke between the two of them - “Do I make you anxious?”
“Honestly, right now? Yeah.”
Jiwoong looks at Matthew, his eyes filled with concern now, “Don’t worry, nothing you say right now could ever make me hate you. You can tell me anything.”
Matthew hesitates for a moment before blurting out, “I’m homophobic.”
“Wait, what?”
“I mean, I think I might be homophobic,” Matthew corrects. “I’m not one hundred percent sure, but it’s the only thing that makes sense.”
(“Well, you certainly are half that word,” someone - he thinks it might be Hanbin - mutters on the other side of the room.)
“Look I just felt I should tell you,” Matthew says, speaking quickly before Jiwoong can say anything else. There’s a shocked expression on Jiwoong’s face, and Matthew’s still convinced that he might take back his previous statement and end up hating Matthew after all. “And this doesn’t change how I feel about you, because you’re still my favorite hyung and I like being around you and you’re so wonderful, I just… I couldn’t not tell you, and I can’t help feeling this way, I’ve tried to stop it, but the feeling only grows whenever I’m near you and-”
“Matthew, hold on,” Jiwoong says.
Those three words finally get Matthew to stop his panicked ramblings. “Let’s back up like ten steps, okay?”
Matthew nods, “Okay.”
“You said you think you might be homophobic?”
Matthew nods again.
“Because being around me makes you feel feelings ?”
Matthew nods for a third time.
“What kind of feelings, baby?”
Matthew feels his cheeks heating in embarrassment at the attention that Jiwoong is suddenly turning his way. This is most certainly not how he expected this conversation to play out - “It’s like this Jiwoong-hyung, whenever you call me baby, my chest hurts and I… Or like, the other day when you were playing with my hair while we were watching your dramas. Actually, that’s when I figured it all out.”
“You figured out that you felt this way while watching my dramas?”
“Yeah, when you were kissing your costar,” Matthew says. “It made my chest hurt and my cheeks burn and I guess like if watching you kiss some guy made me feel that way, the only answer that makes sense is that I’m homophobic.”
There’s a long pause.
Silence filling the normally noisy practice room.
Broken only by the sound of two of his bandmates leaving the room, and the small hint of muffled laughter from the corridor.
Laughter that Jiwoong echoes a second later on his own. Nervous laughter, but laughter nonetheless, before he moves to pull Matthew into a hug.
“So, you forgive me, hyung?”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” Jiwoong says, pulling back from the hug. “Baby, you’re not homophobic, you were jealous .”
“No, you’re wrong, I’m not… Why would I be jealous?”
(“Oh god, someone put me out of my misery, this is embarrassing to watch.”
“Ricky, go join Gyuvin in the hall!”)
“You’re so cute, Matthew-ah,” Jiwoong says, reaching forward to ruffle his hair.
“Jiwoong-hyung, that doesn’t answer my question.”
“You started feeling this way because you saw me kissing Seobin, yes?”
“I mean, not started, I’ve felt this way before,” Matthew admits. “Like I said, when you call me baby or take extra care of me or…”
“Would you like it if we had watched one of my other dramas, where I kissed some girl instead?”
Matthew wrinkles his nose, the idea of Jiwoong kissing anyone brings that tight feeling in his chest back.
Okay, maybe Jiwoong has a point.
“Or,” Jiwoong considers, gesturing in the direction of their bandmates, who for a second Matthew had forgotten were around them. “What about when those two kiss, does that make you feel the same way?”
“No! They’re my friends! I’m happy for them! I would never-” Matthew pauses, the dots slowly connecting themselves together - “Wait, so I’m really not homophobic?”
“Well, I mean, do you hate gay people or just gay people I’m kissing?”
“I… I’m not sure.”
Though even as Matthew says those words, he knows the answer now. It all seems so obvious. Though he had to wonder why the guys had not stopped him last night, if they had also known that he wasn’t homophobic. Though to be fair he had never actually said the word itself just assumed they were all on the same page, whereas they… Matthew looks around at the few remaining members of their band in the room.
Oh .
They had probably thought he had been asking for advice on how to confess his romantic feelings to Jiwoong.
Jiwoong smiles, “Should we test out the theory? I could kiss someone in this room right now and see how you feel? Any volunteers?
(“Taerae, put your hand down.”
“Look, he said he was taking volunteers!)
“Or should I just kiss you,” Jiwoong asks, arching a single eyebrow.
His cheeks heat up, the way they always have before. His stomach is a nervous mess, his chest is a little tight. But he knows what that feeling is now, and it certainly isn’t homophobia .
Matthew finds himself nodding slowly, and then Jiwoong is moving, stepping into his space, his hand gently cupping Matthew’s face, caressing for a second over the soft skin of his cheek.
With a mixture of nervousness and finally understanding what he wants, Matthew presses up on his toes to meet Jiwoong’s lips. A soft sigh escaping his lips, as he just barely remembers to close his eyes at the last second.
The kiss doesn’t last nearly long enough.
Though when they break apart, Jiwoong still has his hand on Matthew’s face, keeping him steady, barely letting any space between them as he asks, “Still think you’re homophobic?”
“I don’t know, Jiwoong-hyung, maybe you should kiss me one more time, just to double check?”