Chapter Text
Felix loves being invited to fashion shows—don’t get him wrong, but sometimes he wishes he could be there as a ghost or someone not known well. Just to avoid the headache inducing flashes of people’s phones and expensive cameras, and the loud shouting of others so they can be heard for interviews.
He realized down the road that he couldn’t live with these fashion shows without his headphones, but it would seem so ignorant and disrespectful for him to have headphones on as models showed new pieces of hard-worked clothing because he can’t handle some flashes and sounds.
He’s in a state of autopilot, reminding himself it would be all over before he knows it—but it feels like months he’s in this place that’s huge but feels small and clustered to him.
Another person coming up to him with a tiny box microphone and a phone with another annoying flash on, a small smile and small talk before they ask the huge, anxiety-inducing question, “can we have a interview with you, Felix?”
To this, he can’t say no, too scared of being perceived as disrespectful, so he nods. Felix is always shoved or given too slowly of the tiny microphone, once he’s known the cameras are on and he just has to stare into the camera with the overwhelming light.
He sways a bit, his eyes probably look overwhelmed right now—speaking his brain and body. After the interview is done, the person leaves him alone. Felix swallows, checking if any more people that want to interview him are scoping him out before he begins walking slowly away from the overcrowded scene.
Only to be stopped by another interviewer, his mind becoming more high alert and overwhelmed as he just nods—hoping he doesn’t seem too shaky as his body began to.
After another interview, he’s even more overwhelmed than he’s been in years, tears pooling at the edge of his eyes as he scopes now for the nearest bathroom.
Thanking anyone listening to him as he finds it, trailing around the place a bit until he found it—empty and very far away from everyone. He’s also thankful it’s just a singular one than multiple, it would’ve been so embarrassing for the blond if someone walked into him trying to calm himself down from a tiny panic attack almost mixed into a meltdown.
He’s sobbing now once he locks the door, feeling around his pants until he feels his phone, pulling it out, and scrolling until he finds the contact he needs through blurry tears.
It rings, too long for Felix’s comfort (if he had any left from this outfit that felt restraining), until he heard it stop—followed by sounds of moving.
“Felix?” A cracked voice of his name mumbled over the phone, only to be wiped away with concern as the person heard Felix sob. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Overwhelmed. Shouldn’t have went.” Felix responded in a mumbled stutter of a voice, feeling pathetic for admitting it in the place, the event, he’s at right now, that anyone would kill to go to.
“What happened that made you overwhelmed?” The caller asks, his voice soft—Felix slightly calms at the relief he called the right person in his mind of panic, Chan.
“Too many noises, being asked interviews left and right, being talked to left and right, bright lights.” Felix responds through hiccuped cries, unbuttoning one of the buttons of his white shirt hoping that would help the feeling of tightness around his chest.
“Okay, did you bring your headphones?” Chan asks, and Felix swallows hard between his tears—staying silent and the other took that as a no. “Lix, we talked about this before you left.”
“Felt dumb and didn’t feel like it was right,” Felix responds almost defensively, realizing now his slight makeup was probably ruined from his stupid tears. “I know I should’ve, didn’t want to seem rude.”
“I know, Lix, but wearing your headphones helps you feel more comfortable and not overwhelmed at events like this,” Chan reminded again, and Felix remembers the first time he had a meltdown in front of anyone that wasn’t family.
It was a really awful day, his clothing feeling foreign and gross against his skin, his headphones being close to death with its charger not with him (or one that would work he assumed) , his hair pricking on his neck from the slick back ponytail his stylists made him have to do his makeup easier, and the loud noises coming from the others messing around and watching things to occupy time as they waited.
Felix had enough of it, carrying himself, his phone, and his almost-blink-of-death battery headphones (like they’d do anything for as long as he needed), rushing out the door to the many staircases in the place they were having a schedule at.
Felix scooted as far away from anyone could see him if they went through the door, until his back hit the wall attached to the stairs above him. He put his headphones over his ears, turning them on, not caring about the warning sign of his headphones dying soon before connecting them to his phone—putting on his playlist he especially made when overwhelmed or on a meltdown.
He made sure those songs would never encourage the meltdown or feeling of overwhelming, along with the feeling of annoyed the song was playing. Once he hit play, he shut his phone off, wrapping his chest with his hands—holding it hard to attempt to ground himself.
On the rare chance, it just made him worse . The songs began to push him further into the feeling more, it felt to him that the songs and the pressure were encouraging his meltdown, and on that chance—he sobbed hard in the stairwell, echoing to anyone around the door or in the stairwell (he prayed not).
The door opened, creating a harsh sound that made Felix cry harder if he could. He was probably ruining his makeup the stylists began doing to make the job easier, which now made him feel horrible for ruining their hard work.
“Lix? Are you in here?” A soft voice echos in the stairwell, and the boy in question was begging the person to find him. “What are you doing under there?”
The question was filled with soft words of question and his face being concerned as the person walked over to the opening of the staircase, bending down to see Felix squished up as small as he could, headphones still over his ears, and his arms still around his chest.
“Let’s get you out of there okay?” Chan moved some of the boxes that Felix must’ve moved on his autopilot of his overwhelmed brain. After that, he set his hand out in a welcoming way to help Felix out, but the boy only began to overwhelm himself more with cries he didn’t even know could exist. “Hey, it’s okay. I just want to get you out from under here so you are safe.”
Felix shakes his head, and Chan tries not to let his frown begin to show but it was hard. He felt horrible that Felix felt like this and he couldn’t help.
Chan tried racking his brain for something to help Felix calm down, but his brain was empty.
“Can I come under the stairs with you?” Chan asks (more blurted out), hesitant to be met with negative responses. Felix nods, still moving away when Chan moves under the stairs carefully not to hit his head. “What happened that made you run out?”
“Overwhelmed.” Felix responds, it’s almost not able to be heard. He was beginning to calm down slowly.
“Okay, what made you overwhelmed?” Chan responds slowly, and Felix just wishes the leader would get it already.
“Loud. Weird feeling, like chest is heavy.” Felix responded almost like a robot, and the boy began to pick up on his crying again when the familiar sound of his headphones dying filled his ears.
“You are okay, Lix. You are okay, I’m here it’s okay,” Chan repeated over the boy’s harsh cries, he didn’t want Felix to pass out. “Would pressure help? On your chest?”
Felix nods, and Chan doesn’t want him to feel like he’s just standing there like an idiot, but he doesn’t want to panic the Aussie more.
“Sit behind me, wrap your hands around me, hard, please hyung,” Felix said between his harsh cries to help Chan start going, and he did what he was told.
He scooted closer to Felix who now changed himself to look forward towards the steps, hesitating to wrap his hands around Felix’s chest that his hands were still hugging to.
Once he felt Felix not make any noises of backtracking or discomfort, he wrapped his hands around the distraught ones chest, and squeezed as hard as he could without hurting him.
He still cried, but began to realize the pressure on his chest from the blur of dissociation in his mind and slowly relaxed—his harsh cries beginning to subside to hiccups and whines of the discomfort of the tears drying on his cheeks.
“You’re okay, I got you. I got you, Felix ,” Chan whispered softly, not letting go of his pressure on Felix’s chest, his headphones were still on his ears, but were now turning uncomfortable.
He whines harder, trying to find ways to take the headphones off. He even began twisting his head harshly side to side before Chan became alarmed.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Do you want them off?” Chan asks in a soft voice like he’s been keeping it, and Felix nods. The leader does what was asked, keeping one arm on the boy’s chest as he slipped them off slowly to not overwhelm the boy again, placing them neatly by his phone.
He placed his arm back where it was, softening the pressure as he saw Felix calm down. He placed his head on Chan’s nearest shoulder by his head, staying there a bit as he calmed down. His brain was still a mess, but he wasn’t in the mood to deal with it.
He doesn’t know how long he sat like this, Chan even swayed and rocked a bit as they stayed like this. It made him feel so calm and safe, more than he’s ever felt after his meltdowns. His parents really didn’t know how to help, so they would let him settle it himself—making him hurt himself in the process by hitting or biting himself, hurting things or people around him, or making himself pass out or become exhausted from crying.
Felix hums as Chan continues to rock them. The leader didn’t know what happened minutes ago, but now he was thankful Felix was now calm and safe.
“Felix?” Chan’s voice cracked in the other Aussie’s phone speakers as he is now laying on the cold bathroom ground that was probably gross but was cold against his flaming skin, small sobs coming out than the harsh ones when the call started. “Are you there?”
Felix just hums, almost like he was annoyed—but he wasn’t. He didn’t know what he was feeling right now, he just wanted to be home with Chan and his members.
“What time is it over there?” Felix almost wanted to laugh at whatever Chan was attempting, but he lifts his phone from the ground, checking the time.
“6:34pm.” Felix mumbled, putting his phone back down.
“Okay, you have only a few more minutes until the show is over, Lix. You can do it,” Chan tries, but Felix replies with a low whine, along with a hushed cry. “Lix.”
“I want to be home,” His voice cracks at the anxiety and overwhelm stacking heavily on his chest. “I want to be home so you could do the thing that you did 2 weeks ago. It helped so much—“
“I wish I could, Felix, but— “ Felix begins to cry again at Chan’s change in voice, he hated being alone doing this stuff. He wished one of his members were invited too, so he wouldn’t have to do this stuff alone. “I know, I know. I wish I was there.”
“So overstimulating. So many people wanting interviews, so many flashing lights,” Felix whines in a jumbled mess of words. “Just want to be home .”
“I know, I know,” Chan responds, shifting probably in bed and Felix frowns not even thinking of the time where Chan is.
“It’s late over there, isn’t it?” Felix asks in a guilty voice.
“Lix, I wasn’t even sleeping or planning on sleeping for awhile until I knew you were back at your hotel room safe and not overwhelmed,” Chan responds quickly, already knowing the guilt the other felt. “The event is almost over, you could possibly handle a few more minutes, could you Lix?”
“I don’t know,” Felix mutters in a cracked voice from his few abrupt cries. “I want to stay here so I don’t embarrass myself, just in case.”
“You won’t embarrass yourself—“ He’s cut off by Felix whining again, hating how Chan knew what was true and wasn’t in every situation. “Lix, can you try going out there for the rest of the time, please? If it gets too overwhelming again, you can go somewhere and wait until the event is over.”
Felix shakes his head like Chan can see him, but the leader takes the silence as a no. “Do you feel better at least than before?”
Felix hums, but it’d make him feel like his mind wasn’t spinning if Chan was here, soothing him with pressure and the soft words telling him he was okay. “Would be better if you were here.”
“I know, your flight is tomorrow. You can see me then, okay?” Chan replies softly, and Felix can feel the others smile. “I think the event is over now, you can go to your hotel and rest, call me when you are in bed, okay Lix?”
Felix didn’t realize he already spent the last almost hour of the event in the bathroom until Chan mentioned it, he hums, getting up from the gross cold floor.
“Bye, hyung,” Felix mutters.
“Bye, Lix. Call me when you are in bed, okay?” Chan reminds softly, and Felix hums again to make him know he got it.
Felix makes himself look presentable, like he didn’t just cry on call with one of his members, overwhelmed out of his mind. When he unlocks the door, he sees people exiting the place to leave, he feels a bit guilty to be hiding in a bathroom while he’s somewhere like Italy.
He’s not asked any interviews as he waits to go back to his hotel, and it’s a relief. Once back at his hotel, he’s quick to pry off the clothing that felt superglued to his back, hurrying into the shower to get the gross shadow feeling of the clothing off for good.
He crashes then and there on the shower floor, as the warm water seeps on his body as he sobs. He wishes he was in Chan’s tight embrace that did just what his body needed to be set right. He tries rocking himself back and forth, like he learned when he was younger, but the only thing that helps him truly calm down is softly biting his teeth on the thumb he had slipped between them.
He does it for awhile, and the water begins to turn a bit cold—almost a wake up call in his dissociated mind from his burst of a slight meltdown. He just sits there, too tired at the moment to stand up, so he washes himself on the floor (that probably wasn’t smart or clean, but he didn’t care) until he has to stand up to turn the water up and continue getting ready for bed.
Once he was done getting ready, he crashed on this bed, plugging his phone in and calling Chan back.
“Hey, Lix,” Chan softly says, not knowing if the boy was overwhelmed or calm due to not seeing him face to face. “Was the ride home and getting ready for bed okay?”
“Had a tiny overwhelming crash in the shower,” Felix trails off in an ashamed tone, that’s how he explained it to Chan. He was too ashamed to tell him that he’s autistic and these ‘overwhelm crashes’ were really meltdowns, so he would just call them that.
“Did you calm yourself safely?” Chan asks softly, but in a worrying tone at the same time from remembering the harsh turning of the boy's head the first time he helped him calm down from his headphones. Felix hums. “Okay, good job, I’m proud of you.”
“I want to be home,” Felix repeats from earlier, almost crying again, but he was so exhausted to even let tears fall. “Hate being overwhelmed and alone. Sometimes it’s a blessing and other times it’s a curse .”
“I know, get some sleep okay? I’ll be on the phone with you if you want,” Chan now says in a kind of whisper as Felix flicks off the lamp, and he hums as he gets as comfortable as he could. “Sleep well, Lix.”
“Mhm, sleep well too, hyung.” Felix mutters in a mess of words, falling asleep before Chan could say anything else.
The next morning, Felix is woken up by his alarm for his flight. Chan had hung up the phone, probably from his phone becoming hot or the internet.
Felix couldn’t wait to be home, even if sometimes his members were too loud for his comfort, he still wouldn’t want to be where he was last night. Alone at an event, overwhelmed and wanting nothing but comfort.
The journey home was more stressful than it’s ever been on his own plane rides without the members to attach to. His headphones didn’t cover the constant screaming and sound of people screaming his name.
“Yongbok!” “Felix!” Over and over as the walk to his plane felt like months of walking and screaming his name. He breathed in a sort of relief when he got to his seat on the plane, but also knew that it would be the same when he landed in Korea.
And, he was right, it was even more overwhelming than the crowd in Italy. He tried reminding himself that he was only a few minutes away from seeing his members again, but was short circuited by the overwhelming feeling frying his brain completely.
When he was in the van, waiting until no one could possibly see him through the tinted glass, he sobbed —earning a concern from the driver. It hurt his eyes, all he wanted was comfort even when in this situation it’ll make him even more overwhelmed.
Once he was at the dorms, he mumbled a stuttered thank you, before grabbing his bags and hurrying to his dorms. He made it just in time for Chan to come out of his room, and he looked like Felix had been attacked.
“Hey, what happened?” Chan rushed to ask, and Felix flinched from the action on instinct. Chan frowned, knowing how much Felix missed his members from being so far away. “Lix?”
“Hug me please .” Felix crumbles, sobbing so hard he crashes in the other’s chest ignoring the way he feels nauseous at the feeling of Chan’s hands on him.
“I got you, it’s okay . The rest are out, it’s just us,” Chan says, trying his hardest to calm Felix down while hugging him like Felix asked him to those weeks ago. “I got you, Lix. You are okay.”
Felix is slowly calming down as Chan began applying pressure, still softly telling him that he had him and he was okay. He sobs still even as he calms down, he decides it’s from Chan touching him.
“You are alright. You must be tired huh? Let’s get you to bed,” Chan says, but Felix shakes his head. He didn’t want to move right now from this knowing if the leader tried helping again, Felix would deny it—becoming overwhelmed again and just tear himself apart in front of him. “Okay, okay. We can stay here.”
Felix just placed his ear on Chan’s chest, turning to the dining room table, the sunlight shining through the window of their dorm, settling on the wooden table. It reminds him of the amount of times the members would tell each other to “knock on wood,” in a silly way of not jinxing something and Felix would always take it as if it was serious to not jinx something. The members laughed as he did it—making him feel sort of stupid for taking it serious.
It’s a long time before he stops crying completely, 30 minutes or so—he feels exhausted. Felix is now pressuring his weight—by pure accident, against Chan’s chest.
“Lix?” Chan asks softly in a worrying voice, Felix whines. “Could I take you to bed now? You seem tired.”
Felix nods this time, letting the leader carry him and his bags to his room, it was left just as he put it before he left so he knew where everything went when he packed.
Felix feels like his limbs weigh more than Earth, whining with every movement until he’s laid in his familiar bed. He hasn’t opened his eyes since he shut them from exhaustion a few minutes ago, he feels Chan tuck him in.
“I’ll be in my room if you need me, okay? Sleep as long as you need,” Felix could feel his smile, the door closed softly once he was done making sure he was safe and okay.
Felix still felt a bit off, but he hoped when he woke up—he would feel better than he did when he left for Italy.