Work Text:
Oh darlin’ don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up
Just stay this little
-
2020
The girl was smart. Too smart for her own good, in fact. Jonas needed to keep an eye on her. Too many times he had to use his voice to castrate her for walking too close to the edge of an enclosure. Her tiny body would startle and her eyes would slant downwards in shame, but in her heart she knew that Jonas was only trying to keep her safe, even when he was a big scary thing. Still, the clear waters of the enclosure of Jack enticed her. And Jonas sensed her interest in the Sand Tiger like a bloodhound. He feared that one of these days she would wrap her grubby little fingers around a swimming suit and some goggles and sneak herself into Jack’s watery abode in an effort to pet the animal. Mac had made it his mission to remind Jonas that the notion was laughable and quite ridiculous; surely someone as smart as Meiying wouldn’t purposely swim into a shark tank. Right? But the paranoia still crept into Jonas’s bald head once in a while.
“Jack seems happy today,” Meiying commented with a low voice while eyeing the water.
Jonas tilted his head over his shoulder to make sure his adopted daughter wasn’t suddenly Jack’s dessert. The mackerels plopped one by one into the iron bucket via Jonas’s hand. It was dinnertime for Jack The Sand Tiger shark.
“Yep, he is. And he’s hungry. And his mouth is full of 88 teeth. Wouldn’t wanna get caught up in those, would ya?” Jonas cheekily uttered as he counted the mackerels in the bucket. Meiying was only about 2 feet adjacent to him, her eyes watching her dad be a good handler of Jack’s.
“Do you think that sharks can see us the same way as killer whales do?”
Another one of Meiying’s many quirky questions. Jonas’s lips stretched slightly in humor.
His eyes stayed locked onto the mackerels, his hands moving them around just for a last round of inspection.
“Sharks aren’t as sentient as killer whales.”
A feminine voice responded. “How do you know?” Meiying challenged him, one eyebrow raised and a grin on her face.
The mackerels stopped plopping and Jonas turned to the girl. Challenge accepted. He straightened his stature and placed his hands on his hips. “And how do you know they are sentient?”
“There are many things we don’t know about animals. We don’t see their point of view,” she pressed further.
Jonas counteracted. “Well that’s true, but in the wild, sharks aren’t as friendly as orcas. If we enter their territory they get mad and try to bite us. But Orcas?” He shook his head for effect, “they like being around us.”
Meiying smiled, still determined to be the dreamer that she is. “Well maybe we just need to study them more. And maybe one day we can see what they see.”
The bucket’s water splashed inside the thing as Jonas picked it up and glanced at Meiying, who appeared victorious. Jonas knew it was best to just let her win this time around. Again. “Maybe,” he said, “but for now, they should be admired from a distance.” He reached the edge of the tank — which he considered to be about 5 feet exact — and one by one he yanked each poor stinky fish from the bucket and threw it into Jack’s enclosure. Each body made plopping sounds as they hit the water and disappeared out of Jonas’s sight.
Meiying was only 10 but she understood the implications of Jonas’s display of carefulness. Poor man was still paranoid. Still hypervigilant. Still 2 feet away from the enclosure? Throwing the fish by hand when he could have just stood by the edge and faced the bucket down for easy access? For only a Sand Tiger shark? What had happened 2 years prior still scratched away at his consciousness, it seemed. She was surprised he even agreed to feed Jack for the day. Baby steps, perhaps.
Her smile from moments before faded and in its place was a small frown.
What if what happened in 2018, did not happen at all?
What if her grandfather was still there?
What if she was still there?
“May? Did you hear me?”
She realized that she must have dissociated a bit too much, because Jonas’s voice came into focus each second that passed. Then her heart jumped a beat. Jonas’s right hand was gripping her shoulder and he shook her lightly.
“May? You alright?” Jonas asked once again, a little worry creeping up in his tone.
At the touch of his cold rough hand her eyes finally had seen what was in front of her and her eyes fluttered in realization. Suddenly Jonas was right in front of her and looking down at her.
Her body had come back from the heavens of dissociation and she gave her adopted father a weak smile. “I’m fine.” Her voice was low. Too low, and Jonas knew what that meant.
Suddenly his throat felt like it had been squeezed and his jaws tensed up. He bent down on one knee. He spoke as his left hand loosened from the bucket. “No you’re not,” he cooed. He expected an answer from Meiying, but she only looked at him. He continued and let out some air from his nostrils. “And that’s fine. It’s okay not to be okay. You just have to take it day by day. Little by little. Baby steps.”
Meiying did not look away from Jonas’s blue eyes. “Do you think she’s in heaven?” she croaked slightly and swallowed. Oh no. The wave of emotion. The overwhelming sorrow. Her chest ached and her tear ducts prepared for the possible tears.
Jonas’s heart swelled in ache as Meiying’s words weighed down on him. His lips slanted downwards into a frown and his eye wrinkles loosened in sadness. He swallowed and said a “yes.”
Meiying broke eye contact and looked down. For some reason her eyes decided to focus on the texture of Jonas’s wetsuit.
Jonas took it as a cue to continue with his adult wisdom. He spoke while the ache in his heart wanted to explode. “She looks down on ya, everyday, and tells herself how much she misses and loves you. And she looks at me, and knows that I will always be at your side.” His words carried a sense of softness that could make a siren sleep.
The girl didn’t really say anything. Hearing her adopted father’s words was warming and a reminder. She needed those words daily, and Jonas had no problem providing them. The stressful emotion left her chest and her nervous system came to a homeostasis. There would be no tears today. Which was a good sign.
At the sight of his little girl’s face softening in relief, Jonas brought his right hand’s thumb to her cheek in an effort to comfort her further. He sighed to shake off some of the tension in his body and he smiled softly. After a few moments of silence, and after Meiying had time to get herself together again, Jonas asked “now, would you like some ice cream? We’re pretty much done for the day.”
-
Why name a beer “dos equis?” What exactly made the beer two XX? Who came up with such a name for an alcoholic beverage? Those were questions Jonas pondered as the sound of A Little Less Conversation (Official JXL Remix) bombarded the bar and guys behind Jonas cracked jokes about their body counts. Or something. He was in a nice place called The Bombshell. It was nicely lit by warm lights and the jukebox’s decorative lights highlighted the place. The setting however, was the exact opposite of what the mood in Jonas’s heart was like. The useless philosophical thinking of the damn beer was just a distraction. Everything those days seemed to just be endless distractions.
Suyin.
She was bigger than the whole sky. Her eyes lit up his entire world and her kisses were sweet releases. But now she was gone. Their escapades and romantic nights were no more. Sometimes he slurred her name at the bar until someone would put him in a car. Did some force take her away because he didn’t pray hard enough?
She was gone. Oh god, she was gone.
Like his friends were gone after he left them to die at the bottom of the ocean and like how Suyin’s dad was gone and how now Suyin herself was gone. The big man up there spared her quite a bit by choosing her life ending circumstance to be cancer instead of being a victim of a megalodon, but it didn’t elevate Jonas’s mood.
He was twirling the translucent beer bottle in his right hand, eyes crinkled and focused on the label of the damn thing, and then he felt a rough hand lay upon his right shoulder and on the fabric of his gray sweatshirt. He twitched and then swung his head over to see that the hand that had touched him belonged to no other than his dear friend James ‘Mac’ Mackreidies.
“You okay?” Mac said, eyebrows knitted in worry.
“Don’t scare me like that, man.” Jonas said as he breathed out a sigh and went back to paying attention to the beer bottle in his hand.
Mac took a seat and quickly muttered a “white russian, please,” to the approaching bartender. He turned back to his bald friend. Jonas got a whiff of Mac’s cologne doused on his white bowling shirt and cringed in disgust. He hated that specific cologne. And that shirt. In fact, he hated everything.
Mac eyed Jonas, and Jonas eyed him from the corner of his own eye. Mac shrugged and questioned his friend, “so, I take it that Alcohol Anonymous didn’t help.”
Jonas grunted in annoyance. “Shut up.” He really wasn’t in the mood for one of Mac’s jokes.
Mac took no offense to the insult. He released a breath of frustration and still eyed Mr. Taylor. “You know, soon even Meiying will start bothering you about your ongoing alcohol problem….” he paused, looked around, and then continued. “Where is she anyways? She’s not here, is she?”
If anything would’ve gotten Jonas’s attention, it was Mac’s judgment which was wrapped up as a genuine question. He turned his head to Mac. “What do you mean? I’m not that bad of a father. She’s with Jaxx. As if I’d let her see me like this….”
“Oh, I’m sure she knows how much of a mess you are. Don’t need to see a beer in your hand to get the hint,” Mac responded in a low tone, as if he was laying some grand wisdom onto Jonas’s lap. The bartender had come with his white russian and Mac nodded a thanks.
Jonas didn’t say anything. Probably because he knew that Mac had a point.
Taking a hint himself, Mac spoke up with something that was on his mind, just to loosen up the tension. He brought the glass of alcohol to his pink lips and shifted himself in the seat. “So you left Meiying with Jaxx huh? Ain’t this the 4th time now you’ve asked her to babysit her?”
He was going there.
Mac’s lips stretched into a smirk.
Jonas gave Mac a look of disgust. “You’re not being serious, are you?”
“I mean, you two do seem pretty clos-”
Jonas cut him off and let go of the bottle to put up his right hand in protest. “No no no, absolutely not,” Jonas emphasized his last word very strongly. “Now I may be a drunken bum, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stow away from my responsibilities. Meiying is under my care, and she and I are still grieving, if you haven’t noticed.” He spit out every word with a tinge of bubbling anger.
Mac held up his hands in defeat. “Hey man, only mentioning the patterns here. It’s been about a year since…” He lowered his voice in respect and his muscles tightened in tension. “Since she passed. And sometimes I feel like you’re making progress with the grieving, especially when I see you and Jaxx act like parents when you all three are together.”
Jonas shook his head and dismissed Mac’s assumption with a shake of his head. “There ain’t nothin’ there man. Truth is I am not in the place for any of that funny business. I have to honor my responsibility to my May. You know, sometimes, I still hear her cry at night,” Jonas’s face dropped in sorrow. “She’s only ten. And she’s only been in my life for the past 2 years and the only domesticity I’ve ever experienced was a marriage that lasted a year. Meanwhile I drink and drink and drink to forget about my past mistakes.” Jonas was looking at the beer bottle once again. He brought the bottle to his thirsty lips and took a gulp of the burning beer. “Her grandfather died. Her mother died, and her biological father gave up all custody so she’s stuck with me.”
Jonas’s last words were filled with confusion, stress, and insecurity.
Mac took them all in, closely listening. But all he could say after Jonas’s vent was, “well, at least you get monthly child support.”
He wasn’t good with words.
Jonas slightly smiled. “Yeah, but now she’s starting to lose her mandarin.”
“Maybe you should take her to China once in a while, so she could stay connected to her heritage.”
Jonas huffed. ‘With what money?”
“Child support?”
Both of their mouths widened and they laughed in unison.
Jonas shook his head humorously and looked at his friend. “Man, you always know how to put me in a better mood.”
“Atta boy,” Mac said as he playfully placed his hand on Jonas’s right shoulder. “Now, I can see that you love little May, and you’re doing your best. So don’t stress out too much, eh? She adores you. As long as you’re there for her, she’s not come out all messed up. Hopefully.”
Now, Jonas knew that Mac was never really good at the whole comforting a friend thing, but he knew when the man put his heart into his words.
“Eh?” Mac said to Jonas, raising an eyebrow, hoping for some shred of validation that his friend listened to everything he said.
Jonas gave a crooked smile and gifted his friend a look of gratitude. “You know what, you’re right. Maybe being a dad ain’t so bad.”
-
The newly opened Los Angeles aquarium gave Jonas a 10% employee discount for both the admission and gift shop. Nice little bonus, right? And he definitely took advantage of it, especially since May had kept her love for the seas intact. He often wondered how her fearsome little soul still aligned itself with the wonders of the sea; she still saw it as beautiful instead of horrific. For Jonas, it certainly took one or two pep-talks from Mac to accept the position of supervisor at the aquarium. But May? She was the one to smile excitedly at the thought of Jonas working at an aquarium.
“I hope Jack is having a good time today,” May commented as she and Jonas left the gift shop. The gift shop was always first. Clenched in her left hand was Elizabeth, her stuffed brown hammerhead. She and Jonas had binged the entire Pirates Of The Caribbean collection on Blu-Ray the past week, and May still had the cinematic spectacles all fresh on her mind. “Jack The Sand Tiger is Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth here is Elizabeth Swann,” she said as she took in the detail of the plushie.
Jonas smiled.
In the open ocean exhibit, they stood in front of Jack’s tank, and for once, were in the position of viewers instead of handlers. Endless voices of strangers with their own stories to tell engulfed the place, but the only voice who mattered to him was of his little May. Sitting on a cushioned bench a few feet away from the tank and in the illumination of the blue water, the pair took in the serenity of the stoic shark. He would leave out of their sights, and then return, and then would leave to the other side of the tank once again. His appearance was that of any old Sand Tiger shark one might find in the Atlantic — blank eyes with an eternally opened mouth and protruding teeth, but this particular specimen had one small little quirk. It bore a healed abrasion near its snout, just adjacent to its Ampullae of Lorenzini pores.
May had eyed the intricate details of said scar while Jonas had replied to a text of Lori’s. She tilted her head in curiosity and said, “why didn’t we name him Scar?”
Jonas did not look from his phone. “You tell me, you’re the one who picked his name.”
At the sound of his monotone tone that came from concentration towards his phone, May turned her head and looked at Jonas’s screen. She could barely make out the contact name, but she saw that it was Lori.
Was he going to move on from mom forever and leave her?
An episode of melancholy arrived to her once again. She could feel the depression weighing down on her little lips, cheeks, and eyes. “Jonas?” she asked.
The serene tone in her voice made Jonas snap away from the iPhone immediately; he recognized that way of speaking. “Yes pumpkin?”
“Are you going back to Lori now that mom is gone?”
The implications of her question punched him in the heart and splattered it onto the floor. In an effort to fix his error he shuffled the iphone back into his jean pocket and did not hesitate to reassure “oh no no no no, no honey. Of course not.” He scooted closer to May and squeezed her miniscule hand with his enormous one. She was his Earth and he was her Sun. He stammered, a bit loss at words. “I- I loved your mother very much. And still do. What makes you think I’m just going to forget about you and her?”
May looked down at their fixed hands. “I just.. I feel like you’re going to leave soon..”
“Now why would I leave now?”
“Well…” May had hoped that the pause would give Jonas some time to acknowledge the elephant in the room. However, he stayed saying nothing. She finally just said it. “I’m not really your kid.”
Now it was Jonas’s features that dropped in sorrow. How bad of a father was he being that he had put those types of thoughts into Meiying’s mind???
He gave her little hand a squeeze in an effort to communicate his love. “May..” he mused, “don’t you say that. You’re my little pumpkin. You are my daughter. And you mean the entire whole world to me. How could I ever leave you?” His heart swelled in emotion, and it was probably now the time to finally let a teardrop trickle down his cheek. He hadn’t cried since the funeral.
And then Meiying’s first tear of the day trickled down her left cheek. “Promise daddy?”
“Promise, my little May,” Jonas smiled while his eyes squeezed out one or two tears. He poked her chubby left cheek playfully. “It’s you and me now. Forever. And I’ll never forget your mother. I promise you that.”
Two tiny arms encircled themselves around his chest. Jonas returned the hug.
Yeah I can totally do this, he thought. I can be a dad. Yeah. Just one step at a time. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming….
He looked at Jack The Sand Tiger, and wondered if this is what his fate was supposed to be, and if maybe he could ever be redeemed by being a good father for his special little girl. Maybe.
He brought his right hand to Meiying’s hair to comfort the girl. He was sure that she was probably letting out more tears now than before, and they were probably soaking into his gray shirt. He let her cry it out and let her emotions be expressed, because that’s what a good father did, of course. It was something his own father never allowed.
His iPhone buzzed. He ignored the interruption and placed a small kiss on Meiying’s head to further comfort her.
It buzzed again.
And then a third time.
And then four more buzzes in a row.
In an attempt to mute the person who had the audacity to ruin his father-daughter moment, he pulled out the damn phone while still holding Meiying with his right arm.
He unlocked the iPhone. It was Mac who texted him.
Mac: We have a problem.
Jonas: What problem?
Mac: A meg problem.
Jonas: what??
Mac: They found another megalodon on the coast of mexico.
Jonas didn’t have the time to even process what he had just read. Mac was now calling him.
Oh god. He was calling him.
“Who’s that?” Meiying asked as she separated her head from Jonas’s chest. Her tears were drying but her eyes were still red and puffy.
Jonas barely caught her words, because oh god. Mac was calling him.