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“Hello, you’ve reached the line of everyone’s favorite customer service representative, the great Sampo Koski. What’s your problem today, my oh so wonderful customer?”
The voice on the phone is too loud, causing Gepard to wince. He backs his phone away from his ear, blankly staring at it. This is what he waited the better part of an hour for? Gepard’s usually not one to judge, but whoever’s behind the line is too much for him, he can already tell. The third person speech is obnoxious enough, and don’t get him started on that grating tone of his.
“I’d like a different service rep, please.” He’s waited long enough already, he can wait longer if it means not dealing with the headache that this…Kompo Saski or whatever his name is, Gepard doesn’t really care. There’s no point when he’s getting a new representative.
“But we’ve only just met! You surely can’t call this curtain just yet. Besides, if another customer requests to be transferred during this period they’ll fire me.” The last sentence is muttered, almost certainly not intended to be heard, but it comes through the line anyway. “Ahem! Let’s continue this conversation like civilized men, shall we? I gave you my name, so what’s yours?”
Gepard pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration. “Gepard. Gepard Landau.”
“See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” Gepard clinches his phone in his hand more tightly. He can see his fingers turn pink from the pressure. “Now that we’ve finally had proper introduction, what was the reason that you called, my dear Gepard?”
“My cell phone is acting up. I’d like help fixing it.”
“Oh, cell phone issues, is it? An all too common and costly problem, really. What part of your cell phone is broken?” Kompo Saski’s voice lights up, like he’s now significantly more interested in their conversation. Gepard’s instantly suspicious.
Gepard puts his phone on speaker, then opens his camera app. The screen is the same as it looked like before he called, completely wrong.
“My camera,” Gepard answers.
There’s a contemplative silence across the line and then an overexaggerated sigh. “’Fraid those usually aren’t fixable. Don’t tell my company I told you this, but they plan for phones to break before they should—planned obsolescence and the like, the corporate bastards—and the camera is one of the usual culprits. Sorry it’s not what you wanted to hear, but it seems we’ll have to get you hooked up with a new phone if you’d like a functional camera—full price unfortunately, there’s no replacements after the thirty-day warrantee expires.”
Gepard pauses for a moment in silence, taking everything in. This is what he waited for?
He should have hung up the second this call started and dialed the number again.
“…I’ll be going then. Goodbye,” Gepard intones. His finger hovers over the end call button when he’s suddenly stopped by a desperate cry.
“Wait! Wait!” Gepard’s finger stops in place, though it doesn’t back off from his screen. “Say, how about I cut you a deal? I’ll even let you use my employee discount—that’s a whopping ten percent off! Imagine that! Surely, you could use a new phone, doesn’t everyone? Our newest model is our best yet, imagine seeing your favorite phone game waifus—or husbandos, I don’t judge—in dazzling 4K resolution! Sounds great, don’t it?”
“I don’t play phone games.” It’s a lie, he absolutely does—he’s particularly fond of the game where he collects cats—but no one else needs to know that.
The voice across the line becomes more frantic. “Well, surely you’d like a bigger screen. Our newest model is our biggest phone yet!”
“Actually, my phone is already too big.” This time, his statement isn’t a lie—it’s an incredibly snug fit in his pant pockets, though that’s probably due to his newfound interest in skinny pants, almost entirety Serval’s influence.
Kompo Saski gives a frustrated sigh. “Listen, our newest model has something for everyone! Why won’t you buy it?”
“I just want my camera fixed,” Gepard repeats simply. “And it’s clear that’s not going to happen. Farewell, Kompo.”
“Kompo? My name is Sampo, you better remember it—I’ll be famous someday, just you wait!” Sampo defends himself. “But anyway, you really can’t hang up! Sampo’s gotta eat, and he’s one incomplete case resolution away from no more donut fix—say, let’s make a deal. I’ll give up on selling you a phone for the commission and settle for not getting fired, if you agree to it.”
Gepard’s eyes narrow. He’s not the type to agree to a deal without hearing its conditions, especially when the other party is as shady as this Sampo Koski guy.
“And my end of the deal?”
“That’s a surprise! So, will you take it?”
Gepard quickly thinks through the pros and cons. On one hand, Sampo’s given him absolutely nothing to work with, and to be frank, he has almost no faith in Sampo fixing his camera, given their very brief interaction.
Still, it’s hard to see the downsides—if he doesn’t hold up his end of the bargain, he can just hang up. What’s Sampo going to do? Use his phone number to find his address online and angrily show up at his house?
Gepard shudders slightly as he realizes that yes, he wouldn’t actually be surprised if Sampo did that.
…Well, he really does need a fully functioning phone. And the rent in Belobog is too damn high these days, even with his recent promotion to captain of his security guard shift—buying a new one just isn’t in his budget. It can’t hurt too much to simply go along with it, he supposes.
“Alright,” he reluctantly agrees.
“Great!” Gepard has no idea what Sampo’s face looks like, but he can imagine that he’s grinning widely. “I graduated with a degree in IT—don’t ask why I ended up in sales, it’s a long and depressing story—so I’m just your guy!”
Gepard’s eyebrow raises naturally, not believing Sampo’s educational history in the slightest. “You have a degree in IT?”
“Well, most of a degree—it’s complicated, you see. There’s no harm in a little rounding up.” Sampo almost sounds a little sheepish; a first in their all too long phone call. He quickly clears his throat, then changes the subject. “So, your problem is…?”
Ah, right. His camera. Gepard opens the app, then describes his problems out loud. “Only my back camera seems to be working.”
“Hm. A dire predicament—it’d be a shame if the world was deprived of selfies of your surely very handsome face,” Sampo says, almost like he’s flirting, rather charmingly. “But back to Sampo Koski’s tech wizardry—is the light on your front camera functioning?”
Gepard peers down; a green light is illuminated right next to his camera. He nods, before lamely realizing that Sampo can’t see him. “It is.”
“Sounds like your camera is working just fine then. The issue must be something else…” Sampo trails off, clearly thinking hard. “Wait, I’ve got it! Say, Gepard, your back camera is working fine, right? And the app opens to the view from that camera?”
Sampo’s described his current predicament perfectly. “Yes.”
There’s a snort across the line. “Gepard, try hitting the circular arrow button in the corner.”
Gepard does so as instructed. After his screen briefly darkens, he’s met with his own face again.
Oh. He’s an idiot, isn’t he?
“Soooo, did that fix anything?” Sampo curiously drawls.
Gepard almost doesn’t want to admit it, but he decides against lying. “It did.”
Sampo makes a triumphant noise. “Sampo Koski’s still got it! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!”
Gepard rolls his eyes, though he supposes he can’t poke too much fun at him—he just wasted over an hour on a simple button press, after all.
“Thanks for the help,” Gepard says simply.
“No problemo, my dear Gepard! Say, now that I’ve upheld my end of the bargain, it’s about time you’ve fulfilled your end, isn’t it?”
Ah, right. His mysterious promise.
Gepard has half the mind to hang up immediately, but a promise is a promise, and Gepard’s got a frustratingly infallible code of morals.
“The end which I’m still unaware of, but yes.”
“Well good news for ya; I’ll tell ya like it is: we’re going on a date!” Gepard splutters, choking on his own spit. Surely, he’s not serious?
“You’re joking.”
“Nope!” Okay, Sampo’s not joking. But why? What would possess this man, as eccentric as he’s proven to be, to do such a thing?
“There’s a lot to process here so I’ll just summarize it into one question…why?” Gepard asks, genuinely taken aback.
“Well…Sampo doesn’t have a lot of luck in the romance department, you see, and the same with this job, and you’ve been so nice to me and actually stayed on the call with me instead of emailing my supervisors and telling them I’m an annoying “third-person clown” and your voice is handsome so you’ve gotta be handsome and…” Sampo rambles on.
Gepard blinks, struggling to process everything at once. He’s about as good as socializing as any other socially repressed and slightly awkward guy, but man, that’s a lot to unpack all at once.
Gepard tries to think through it all, then throws his reasoning to the wind. It’s one date with an incredibly unreliable phone line operator, what could go wrong? “Alright,” he agrees.
There’s a cheer across the line, a whizzing noise, and then a loud thud. It almost sounds like Sampo has thrown his phone in his excitement.
“Whoops! Didn’t mean to do that!” Sampo exclaims. “I’m just so excited—I’ll text you my number and the details. See ya then! I’ve got a shift to blow off and a whole wardrobe to go through, not to mention taming this annoying little bastard of a cowlick and—”
Sampo continues to ramble, his speech progressively growing faster and less comprehensible, until the line clicks off without so much of a warning.
Gepard’s left wondering…is this date happening today? Just what has he agreed to?
As he tries to sort through his incredibly divergent thoughts, his phone vibrates in his hand. Gepard looks down.
There’s a new text from an unknown number. He opens it.
His eyes open to a photo of an admittedly rather handsome man winking, one verdant green eye open and a charming smirk on his face. He has rather bright purple lackadaisically styled hair and seems to ooze flair…that is, apart from the dull grey polo he’s wearing and the background, which is almost certainly a desk at a call center.
His phone vibrates again. A new text appears.
Don’t worry, Sampo will pull out all the stops for our date tonight! See ya later 😘
A third vibration. PS: Now that your camera’s working, it’d only be fair if you regaled me with a selfie, don’t you think? As thanks for helping you and all that jazz 😉
Well, how can Gepard deny such a request? He quickly snaps a photo, not putting much effort into it and sends it. In a matter of seconds, he’s sent back an entirely incomprehensible string of characters.
LSKJGSlkdjgslksjdoGOFSIJGFLDdfklgdglsskgjasogl!!!!
…Well, that’s a new one. As silly as it is, Gepard can’t help but feel flattered.
Maybe this Sampo Koski guy will end up being a smooth operator after all—only time will tell, he supposes.
Gepard can’t wait to find out.