Work Text:
“Pensacola, Florida, is OFFICIALLY the most BORING fucking place on Earth!”
“Miriam, wouldja keep your voice down?”
Even over the din of this Pensacola piano bar, Miriam Maisel’s voice carried. A few of the young military-looking men at the next table scowled in their direction. But post-show Midge was pretty drunk and very defiant.
“No, absolutely not! Why?! It’s fucking boring, and they should all know!” Midge swept a hand wide across the crowd. One of the men from the next table set down his drink.
Susie, the consummate manager, shot him a conciliatory smile. Then, she blinked through her own buzz to round up a counterargument. “Because I, for one, would like them to pay to hear you be funny again in the future! Which they are not likely to do if you keep insultin’ the place! And second, it is literally impossible for this to be the most boring fuckin’ place on Earth, because we are in a piano bar! You know how many places don’t even have a piano bar?!”
Midge sat back against the wall and crossed her arms. She brought her volume down a notch. “Well, I am fucking bored. Are you not fucking bored?!”
“No, I am not fuckin’ bored!” Susie took a sip of her beer. “I’m… drinkin’ this drink. And listenin’ to… whatever this song is. And enjoyin’ the, um, the ambiance.” The end of that sentence had come out almost like a question.
Midge’s eyes narrowed, unconvinced. “The ambiance?! Susie, this place is disgusting.”
“Look, Midge, I can’t listen to you complain all night. Do you wanna get out of here, or what?”
“But you’ve been listening to me complain for years!”
“Yes, and ya know what?” Susie glanced at her watch. “I’ve just reached one million complaints heard. Just now! Isn't it amazing? The prize is one night in Pensacola without listenin’ to you bitch and moan!”
Midge rolled her eyes. “Do you really want to leave? We can leave.”
“Okay! Let’s leave.” Susie took one last swig, dropped some cash on the table, and stood up.
It took Midge a moment to realize what was going on. “Oh! You mean now,” she mumbled. She scooted ungracefully off her stool, gathered herself, and booed the piano player on the way by. Susie shoved her gently out the door into the Seville Quarter nightlife.
“All right, cool yourself down,” Susie said. “Look, you can even see the stars. Aren’t the stars pretty?”
“I can’t cool down, Susie. The air here is wet.”
Susie steered them along the crowded sidewalk. “Eh, the air’s not wet; it’s a little humid, big deal. And so much for the no more complaining tonight.”
Midge let out a derisive laugh. “Oh, I never agreed to that. Although—fine, yes, the stars are lovely. Thank you for pointing them out.”
“You’re welcome.”
The night air, though humid, had a sobering effect. As they walked the few blocks back to their hotel, Susie felt compelled to draw Midge’s attention to the sights. On behalf of Pensacola. “Oh look, Miriam, a museum of history! Would the most boring place on Earth have a museum of history?”
“Every place has a history, Susie.”
“Look! An art museum. Come on… ya can’t be bored if you’ve got art!”
“It looks like a prison.”
An unsettled silence fell between them as they cut through the parking lot to the hotel. Well, unsettled to Midge. Susie seemed content to be ending the night. Midge, however, cleared her throat as she followed Susie up the stairs to the hotel’s front door. “Honest opinion, Susie: how was the show tonight? Was I funny?”
Susie sighed as she held the door for Midge. “Miriam, you are always funny.” They entered the lobby. “And I always give you my honest opinion. You don’t hafta say ‘honest opinion.’”
With that, they grumbled their way to the room and began their respective winding-down routines. After so many tour stops, it was all on auto-pilot. Susie was in bed reading by the time Midge emerged from the bathroom and sat on her bed, facing Susie.
“So, Susie. I’ve been wondering.” She brushed out imaginary wrinkles in her nightgown. “What did you and Hedy… do?”
Susie looked up from her book and grimaced. “Hedy Ford?"
"No, Hedy Lamarr," Midge said. "Yes, you and Hedy Ford. What did you two do?"
"What did we do? We went to school together, Miriam.”
“That’s not what I… Look, I’ve never– been with a woman; I’m just curious what it is you do. You know, I like to understand more about the world and society, and when I wonder about this, it’s just a great, big void. I really have no idea. You’ve gotta help me out here.”
Susie dropped her book to her chest. “I don’t gotta do nothin’! And you can’t possibly think that this is a conversation I would have with you. Ever.”
“Oh, Susie, please. This a Navy town.”
“What is that supposed to mean?!”
“Pensacola! This is hardly the most… this… conversation going on in Pensacola. The place is literally cock-full, pardon me, chock-full of Sailors.”
Susie groaned. “Thank you for that image.”
“Okay, so you don’t want to talk about it.” Midge clasped her hands together.
“No!”
“Do you want to show me?”
“WHAT?!” Susie slapped her book shut and jabbed it towards Midge. “Miriam, I am your manager. You are walkin’ on very thin ice here.”
“And you are a very good manager. Best manager I’ve ever had. But you are, first and foremost, a person—”
“How astute.”
“—with eyes. And, come on.” Midge struck an enticing pose, waving a hand over her body. “You’ve never thought about—”
“Yeah, don’t flatter yourself.”
“Never?”
Susie exhaled and set her book down on the nightstand. “Never shoulda told you about…” she mumbled.
“Hmm?”
“Midge…” Susie said, wavering voice betraying her as her insides wrapped themselves in knots.
Midge gave a devious smile. She came over and sat on the side of Susie’s bed, which caused Susie to scoot away towards the other side.
“Susie? Could you…?”
“Yeah, yeah. Fine. Fuckin’ turn off the light, at least.”
Midge did as she was told. She sat back on the bed, reclined onto the pillow, and waited. “Susie,” Midge said into the darkness.
“Shh. Just give me a minute…” Susie sat up to rearrange herself. She cleared her throat then threw a leg over to the other side of Midge’s waist. Even in the dark, she could see Midge’s expression of sparkling curiosity, and she didn’t like it. “You’re somethin’ else, ya know that?”
It was Midge’s turn to shush her.
“Okay. Well, ya know, it was some of this…” Slowly, heart pounding, Susie leaned down and put her lips to Midge’s neck. Midge gasped quietly. Sensitive neck, apparently. Which was way more information than Susie had ever, officially, wanted to know about Midge Maisel. She leaned away. “And then, if ya must know, well. Some– some hand stuff. And, uh…”
Midge blinked up at her. “'Hand stuff?' Jesus, Susie.”
“What?! I didn’t expect to be—”
“Well, why don’t you just show me some of the… And drop the play-by-play, Phil Rizzuto.”
Susie mumbled something under her breath.
“Just—” Midge put a hand behind Susie’s head and pulled her down into a kiss. Susie felt Midge’s other hand on her back, pulling her closer. She wondered where the nearest hospital was, and how quick the ambulance would come, in the event she had a heart attack. She kissed Midge back stiffly, distracted by thoughts of her imminent demise.
Midge pulled back. “Good grief! I hope you were less awkward with Hedy. For both of your sakes.”
“Well, I wasn’t Hedy’s manager. And gee, a life-long goal achieved—to make a woman say ‘good grief’ in bed. I'd like to thank Charles Schulz—”
“Really? Hedy never said ‘good grief’ in the throes of—whatever this is? Huh, I’ve been picturing it all wrong…”
Susie sighed with frustration. “No, she said– other things. And stop picturin’—you shouldn’t be picturin’…!”
“What can I say, Susie, I’m a curious person. It’s what makes me a good comic.”
For some reason, this rationale seemed to click and put Susie at ease. “Oooh, this is to make you a better comic! Why didn’t ya say so sooner?”
In a move that would have been inconceivable to her a minute before, Susie reached down to touch Midge’s thigh. Midge inhaled in surprise and watched as Susie dragged her hand to the edge of Midge’s nightgown and then under it.
“For comedy,” Susie explained, as she danced her hand slowly up Midge’s inner thigh. “Hey, do you wanna lose the—”
Midge gulped. “Oh! Yes. Just a moment.” Susie got out of the way, and Midge shimmied out of her underwear. “Where were we?”
When Susie touched her again, Midge’s breath caught. “Oh, Susie.”
Susie let out a low laugh. “Oh, it’s ‘oh, Susie’ now, huh? Not ‘good grief’?” Her fingers settled into a rhythm. Midge didn’t respond, or couldn’t. So Susie kissed her neck again. She could feel Midge’s heart beating fast. “Hey, Midge,” Susie said into Midge's neck.
“Hmm?” Midge managed.
“You are the fuckin’ funniest person I’ve ever met.”
Midge tried to catch her breath. “Is this… dirty talk from Susie Myerson?”
“Maybe.” Susie slowed her fingers. “D'you want me to stop?”
“No! God, no. Please,” Midge said.
So Susie continued. “That first night on stage at the Gaslight, I knew you were special.”
Despite being very distracted, Midge scoffed. “That first night at the Gaslight—oh, Susie—the first night at the Gaslight, you saw my tits.”
“Did I? Didn’t factor in.”
“No? You once described them in detail to a prominent civil rights lawyer. You could probably pick 'em out of a lineup. Oh!”
“Now, what possible reason could there be to have a lineup of—”
“Oh, Susie—”
“Not that I would object to participatin’—”
“Oh, Susie!”
“—for justice’s sake—”
“Susie, don’t stop—”
“‘There they are, Your Honor. Those are the tits of the masked woman who flashed that man and caused him to crash his car. That’s them!’”
Midge came, and Susie’s joke derailed, momentarily. She brought her hand up to her mouth then set it on one of Midge’s breasts. “That’s them,” she said, triumphantly.
Midge laughed a blissful laugh. She opened her eyes and caught Susie’s gaze. “Wow.”
Susie raised her eyebrows. “Feel like a better comic yet?”
“I…” For the moment, Midge was speechless. They lay in silence and let their breathing slow.
“Hey, wait,” Susie said. She propped herself up and leaned over to kiss Midge’s shoulder.
“What are you—” Midge said, running a hand through Susie’s hair. Her hand stayed on Susie’s head as Susie kissed her collarbone and stomach. Susie moved down, hooking an arm under one of Midge’s legs and looking up at her.
“Do you want me to—”
“Oh! Yes,” Midge said, quiet but sure. Then, she threw her head back and let Susie educate her some more.
Sometime later, as Midge lay on the bed, spent, she began to laugh. She covered her eyes.
Susie looked over, fearing insult. “What?!”
“I’m sorry,” Midge said, with a grin. “Hedy left after you did this to her?!”
Susie hesitated. Oh. “Yes.”
“After you did the—” Midge tilted her head to show her neck. “And the—” She wiggled a hand in the air. “And the—” She nodded down her body.
“Yes.”
Midge laughed again and threw her hands up towards the ceiling. “Women!”
“You’re tellin’ me.”
“Well, her loss,” Midge said.
“Thank you.” Susie’s heart felt warm.
Midge sighed. “That was illuminating. Thank you, Susie.”
Susie hummed an acknowledgment. For her part, she was barely hanging on. Her head was full of the world’s worst orchestra playing a tune called what-the-hell-just-happened until one thought cohered. She took a sharp breath. “Midge, I swear to God, if you even think of usin' this in your set, I will drop you so fast—”
“Oh, no one would believe it,” Midge said flippantly, and Susie’s eyebrows raised. “I don’t mean it like that. You're a very dashing woman, Susie. Seriously."
Susie blinked, and Midge continued. “I mean, think about it. I could joke about– ‘we get very close on tour’ or ‘there’s just not much to do in some of these places.’ And people would just take it as a joke. They wouldn’t think two women… with the right joke, that is.”
Midge had a point. Almost like she’d thought this through before. Clearly, the jokes were already brewing. “I mean, now I know—scientifically, 100 percent—that with you as my manager, I am truly in the best hands.”
“Fuck you.”
“A good manager should know her clients, inside and out.”
“Fuck you, Midge.” Susie tried to will any amount of threat into her voice. Couldn’t.
“You love me.”
“I—fuck you.”
“Fuck you, too, Susie,” Midge said sweetly. A minute later, she spoke again. “You know, it could be a lot more economical if we got rooms with just one bed from now on.”
“Oh, so now you’re interested in the economics of this enterprise?”
“An enterprise? That’s what this is?! Sounds so official.”
“What did you think this was?”
“Well, I’ve been trying to join the circus for years, but you keep dragging me to places like Pensacola.”
“What would you even do in a circus?”
“An ‘enterprise,’ huh…”
“Oh, yeah? What else would I call this? A massive pain in my ass?”
“Pain in your ass? Well gee, Susie, I’ve never—but I’m willing to… hey, try anything once, right?”
“That’s not what I—”